🤝 Cultural 🤝 Talk me out of the feeling that society has drilled into me for feeling guilty about responsible pharma drug use

[Deleted member 290563]

I feel like my life is compromised and like I have to hide it. Doctors, cops, colleagues, family, it’s like a dirty secret.

It’s all prescribed,
Moderate doses, legal, and I’m in legit physical pain. Of course I break the law sometimes because the drugs are barely accessible. Of course sometimes the pain overwhelms me to the point where I dose to not feel shit or pass out. This is maybe 1 time every two week that I feel that bad that I dose higher than I “should” to the point of nodding etc.

Talk me out of the feeling that society has drilled into me (or have they or is it objectively wrong) for feeling guilty about responsible pharma drug.

Is this feeling of being lower than a product of society or is there really something real and objective to it? Saying there is something objective to it is obviously going to reinforce the guilt but I’d prefer the truth.

 

[Deleted member 290563]

I feel you, ppl will parrot and say shit that they saw online and try to “help” you by saying some generalized bs just because they feel morally obligated to save a lost soul, so they can feel better about themselves because at least they said something.

They will always find a reason to drill you with their beliefs no matter what.

“Hey man that milk has too much sugar”

“I had the same condition as you and eating 10 onions a day made it better, you should try it!”

People regularly tell me that they had it as bad and didn’t need drugs, but then also tell me that they could walk for 10 miles a day and work for 60h a week, “what’s your excuse?”

Nah man, just ignore them.

I realize people are stupid. They go off their own anecdotal experiences, not statistics or professional writing/analysis on issues

Most of these people are morons. I’m not saying this to brag but I’m as educated as you can climb on the ladder of academia from one of the top 3 most elite places you can be and know way the fuck more about medicines than most MDs. So some random idiot isn’t going to influence my feelings based on their actions or words.

It feel more like an internal feeling that I just can’t shake. Guilt for not suffering naked without drugs. But maybe that viewpoint has been subconsciously drilled into me over the decades of life….but it’s not about other people. Nobody even knows these days. It’s an internal feeling but it’s based perhaps in what the average retards in the world think.

Or is it objectively bad? I’m just trying to eke out quality of life the best way I’ve found and it’s not perfect but it seems like the best option and I hate that the world at large views it as wrong. Or maybe it’s that I hate that it’s not perfect…but perfect isn’t an option drugs or not.

 

[Esperighanto]

Talk me out of the feeling that society has drilled into me (or have they or is it objectively wrong) for feeling guilty about responsible pharma drug.

It's as simple as acknowledging that you're an adult human of soundmind, and therefore have an inherent right to bodily autonomy. Hell, you could be out grinding up street pressed fetty to rub in your fucking eyeballs dude, you're honestly killing it by maintaining a lifestyle that increases your quality of life while minimizing harm. It's genuinely admirable to live in such a way, because it's another example of "existence being resistence". I'm queer and I relate it a lot to the concept of existence being resistence in that being out, even in places where it's dangerous, but just being able to put down threats where they may pop up is key. It's something to be proud of. Even moreso if you can lead a life that's open enough about it to give a positive example, therefore detrimenting the stigma associated with "drug use", which I put in quotes because nobody passes the guy in a dive bar with a beer in his hand, zyn pouch in his gums and cigarette in his mouth as a "druggie". I used to cruise around my city with an electric nectar collector and a glass puck of anywhere from 7-28g of white diamonds in it, noone ever gave a shit. I'm sure that those who did but kept their mouths shut, will begin to give even less of a shit since they saw a normal, peaceful dude just skateboarding around his city doing that.

In my opinion, the strongest way to deal with chronic pain (which I do too on the daily) is by having backups. For me, opiates started inducing super psychotic and violent outbreaks, so I figured out how to use cannabinoids, gabapentinoids, occasional NMDA antagonists, and on-and-off cycles of mitragynine alkaloids to handle things. Quality of life returned once the chronic pain went away.

 

[SeekingOblivion]

I feel for you. Chronic pain sufferers are made to feel like morally deficient, malingering junkies. It’s wrong. In other eras addressing pain with effective and well understood medications (opioids) was perfectly normal. And a little nip off some laudanum after a trying day wasn’t so frowned on either. We are now in upside land, where admitting to pain is indicative of some kind of moral/spiritual failure, and using ineffectual snake oil like SSRIs and aroma therapy is lauded. And it may be this way for the foreseeable future because a whole generation of clinicians have been trained that way.

 

[Deleted member 290563]

It's as simple as acknowledging that you're an adult human of soundmind, and therefore have an inherent right to bodily autonomy. Hell, you could be out grinding up street pressed fetty to rub in your fucking eyeballs dude, you're honestly killing it by maintaining a lifestyle that increases your quality of life while minimizing harm. It's genuinely admirable to live in such a way, because it's another example of "existence being resistence". I'm queer and I relate it a lot to the concept of existence being resistence in that being out, even in places where it's dangerous, but just being able to put down threats where they may pop up is key. It's something to be proud of. Even moreso if you can lead a life that's open enough about it to give a positive example, therefore detrimenting the stigma associated with "drug use", which I put in quotes because nobody passes the guy in a dive bar with a beer in his hand, zyn pouch in his gums and cigarette in his mouth as a "druggie". I used to cruise around my city with an electric nectar collector and a glass puck of anywhere from 7-28g of white diamonds in it, noone ever gave a shit. I'm sure that those who did but kept their mouths shut, will begin to give even less of a shit since they saw a normal, peaceful dude just skateboarding around his city doing that.

In my opinion, the strongest way to deal with chronic pain (which I do too on the daily) is by having backups. For me, opiates started inducing super psychotic and violent outbreaks, so I figured out how to use cannabinoids, gabapentinoids, occasional NMDA antagonists, and on-and-off cycles of mitragynine alkaloids to handle things. Quality of life returned once the chronic pain went away.

Good reply. I’d love to be totally “out” and say “look at all the drugs I’ve done and the ones I still do and I’m more ahead than 98% of you MFers in life (in the rat race anyway….but hey that’s all Americans judge a successful life by these days so you gotta speak their language).

Cannabinoids usually increase my pain except for the first or second use after a 2+ week period of abstinence. So they only “work”
Once then immediately start having the reverse effect. I didn’t even realize they could actually work for pain until recently when I stopped weed for a few months then tried again. Because before that I’d use weed my whole life daily even though it amplified my pain (I am an addict after all not just some innocent pain patient).

Benzos work quite a bit and I’ve been leaning on them much more since I kicked opioid dependency. But they still don’t work as assuredly as an opioid. Kratom I never found great in the first place for pain and Kratom literally lights my ulcers on fire so it’s a no go. I did use it for like 5 years before I got my current health issues though but it was more recreational or opioid maintenance.


“Quality of life returned once the pain went away” ——yea it always does, it’s just that those windows are way less frequent than I would like and if you’re dependent on opioids or benzos even when the pain fades you still have that ball and chain to deal with….then after going through a nasty withdrawal, getting clean, pain is gone, life is great . Pain then returns and re enter the cycle of this bullshit.

 

[Esperighanto]

I feel for you. Chronic pain sufferers are made to feel like morally deficient, malingering junkies. It’s wrong. In other eras addressing pain with effective and well understood medications (opioids) was perfectly normal. And a little nip off some laudanum after a trying day wasn’t so frowned on either. We are now in upside land, where admitting to pain is indicative of some kind of moral/spiritual failure, and using ineffectual snake oil like SSRIs and aroma therapy is lauded. And it may be this way for the foreseeable future because a whole generation of clinicians have been trained that way.

I suspect that chronic pain sufferers in the US will just have to go the clandestine route, or deal with it, at some point. I know of people who hydroponically grow poppies that they then turn into heroin, I've met chemists who have synthesized a variety of opioids for their own uses before too. I'm in an area right now where kratom grows like a dream, so I'm going to turn this place into a kratom farm to the best of my abilities, then extract every bit of mitragynine and oxidize it into 7-OH to get the maximum effects out of it. The same way that many Americans view being poor, or overweight as "your fault" when poverty is almost always generational, and the majority of super fat people I've met go to get their TSH (thyroid stimulating hormone) tested and find they haven't endogenously generated any in years. Pain is a similar thing, but there are certain circumstances where people acknowledge it's fine, the amount of surgical damage I've sustained in my life that's visible to the naked eye is all it usually takes for doctors to offer me opioids, or for people who see me to go "Damn man, that looks like a lot to deal with". I've never struggled with access to pain meds, but other more "invisible" injuries could certainly make things hard.

 

[Deleted member 290563]

a whole generation of clinicians have been trained that way.

I’m middle aged and shudderto think about what aging and dying in amaerics will be like in 20 to 30 years. These young doctors are fucking brainwashed and have zero idea of what suffering really is despite seeing it. Unfortunately most only learn when they begin dying and by then they can’t change their ways in any impactful way

The only doctors that seem to be fine with prescribing narcotics ime are very old doctors.

When these guys die off the full horror of unmedicated death is going to rain down on Americans. In some ways I’m happy that people are going to have to sleep in the bed they’ve made for themselves. They’ve demonized these drugs and then rotting from ass cancer strapped to a bed being given Tylenol amd denied euthanasia only is poetic justice for the American hive mind.

For me, I plan on aging and dying outside of the US for mainly this reason.

 

[Deleted member 290563]

The same way that many Americans view being poor, or overweight as "your fault"

That’s where numbers make the difference. Everyone is fat and killing themselves with cheeseburgers at a million times the rate of people killing themselves with a norco script. So if everyone does it it’s accepted.

Same thing with getting black out drunk and l driving home every weekend. That’s more socially acceptable than me taking a fucking 10 mg norco. Shit it’s joked about publicly all the time. Let the world find out you take norco though and you’re the scum of society

Basically “my addiction/lifestyle” is ok…and if you have numbers on your side you’re good. Chronic pain doesn’t have that.

 

[Esperighanto]

I’m middle aged and shudderto think about what aging and dying in amaerics will be like in 20 to 30 years. These young doctors are fucking brainwashed and have zero idea of what suffering really is despite seeing it. Unfortunately most only learn when they begin dying and by then they can’t change their ways in any impactful way

I just think it's going to become widely socially accepted that if you need pain relief, you don't go to a doctor, you go to the street. I'm 26 and idk a single person who would think about going to a doctor for pain except for surgical intervention reasons.

Cannabinoids usually increase my pain except for the first or second use after a 2+ week period of abstinence. So they only “work”
Once then immediately start having the reverse effect. I didn’t even realize they could actually work for pain until recently when I stopped weed for a few months then tried again. Because before that I’d use weed my whole life daily even though it amplified my pain (I am an addict after all not just some innocent pain patient).

Benzos work quite a bit and I’ve been leaning on them much more since I kicked opioid dependency. But they still don’t work as assuredly as an opioid. Kratom I never found great in the first place for pain and Kratom literally lights my ulcers on fire so it’s a no go. I did use it for like 5 years before I got my current health issues though but it was more recreational or opioid maintenance.


“Quality of life returned once the pain went away” ——yea it always does, it’s just that those windows are way less frequent than I would like and if you’re dependent on opioids or benzos even when the pain fades you still have that ball and chain to deal with….then after going through a nasty withdrawal, getting clean, pain is gone, life is great . Pain then returns and re enter the cycle of this bullshit.

Cannabinoids definitely increase them for some people, for me though cannabinoids give me such an intense stimulant-like focus that I tunnel vision in on whatever I'm doing and I simply don't remember that I'm in pain. Benzos work here and there, but soma is far better for pain than anything other than etizolam or diazepam, both of those alongside soma share similar myorelaxant effects. I've also found gabapentin, phenibut, and 4F-phenibut (aka floribut), mitragynine alkaoids, salvia to some slight degree, and mushrooms in small doses to be really nice for pain relief as well.

I've never used opioids or benzos with enough frequency to notice any dependency, 4-6 months of using dilaudid and lorazepam daily left no dependency for some reason, but I also don't get comedowns from MD(M)A/6-APB, and after amphetamine or methamphetamine all I feel is a bit sleepy. I suspect that some people are a little more uh, idrk the term for this, "comedown resistant?" I've really pushed it too, 300mg each of MDMA and MDA in the same night left me just glowing with this feeling of being made out of pure light and love for days.

Same thing with getting black out drunk and l driving home every weekend. That’s more socially acceptable than me taking a fucking 10 mg norco. Shit it’s joked about publicly all the time. Let the world find out you take norco though and you’re the scum of society

I wonder if this comes down to another generational difference, everybody I know < 30 views alcohol as a hollistic poison but more targeted drugs like opioids as just being run of the mill drugs, aka tools with ways they can be applied.

 

[Deleted member 290563]

I'm 26 and idk a single person who would think about going to a doctor for pain except for surgical intervention reasons.

Well the “real” street has zero pain relief. A two hour lasting fentanyl dose that you can’t even function or work on where the xylazine rots a hole from your intestines to the surface of your skin….thats not an option for pain relief. Might as well just blow your head off if that’s what you’re gonna do.

Going to methadone and bupe clinics for “addiction” when it’s really just for pain is already pretty common and probably going to be the only option that’s lets one function and also doesn’t disable you.

 

[DeathIndustrial88]

You shouldn't feel guilty for wanting to feel comfortable in your own mind & body.

There is a war being waged on both pain patients & addicts alike. Most "addicts" technically are pain patients, they just might not be treating a severe physical pain, but the mental pain they deal with, which is just as valid. Some people are both.

I deal with the mental pain & the physical from fibromyalgia & depression. When most people think of depression, they aren't aware that depression can physically hurt. So of course opioids have always done wonders for my depression AND pain.

I don't feel guilty or terrible about it at all. I think the people (politicians, government & a good chunk of society) should feel terrible about the positions they push people like ourselves into.

Idk why, but the governments mental conditioning just doesn't work on me. But I see it everywhere I go, especially if I talk to ignorant people about drug topics. They'll just say the same old, tired, hypocritical bullshit (i.e. - but opioids are DANGEROUS, but opioids are ADDICTIVE... yeah so are a million legal things).

I watched a video about how people got high in the medieval times last night. It was interesting. People didn't call it "getting high" back then though, they just shared herbs, plants & fungus for "medicinal" reasons & spiritual reasons. It's interesting to think there's a "war" on that at this very moment. It's basically a war on people's spirits & their bodily autonomy.

It's a bodily autonomy issue. Who the fuck is the government to tell me I have to live in pain because they don't like what I use to treat that pain?

Instead of guilt & shame, channel that feeling into rage & passion for trying to end this stupid ass drug war. Might not happen in our lifetimes, but I know I ain't gonna shut up about it as long as I'm alive. Maybe I'll be reincarnated in 50 years & they'll finally have legal heroin around in the world again. lol

I've known you a little while, or at least have you seen you on here for a long time now & I know you're a decent person.

Every day I wake up & my first thought it "Ugh/ow, I wish I had some fucking heroin". Every. Single. Day.
But all I can do is take my bupe & try to deal with it. So you're not alone, but there's nothing to feel ashamed about either.

Drugstore Cowboy is one of my all time favorite drug movies btw. I think I should re-watch it for the 90 billionth time today. Some times I almost catch a buzz just listening to them talk about hydromorphone (which I've never even had the pleasure of trying unfortunately lol, but I can definitely imagine it). The first time I saw it though, I believe I had some really good heroin & ever since then, I associate that movie with "feeling really good on heroin". lol Nostalgic. But some times the nostalgia makes me sad, cause I think "those times are never coming back ever again now". And it sucks.

Damn it (insert old dealers name), why'd you have to kill that dude & fuck up our whole heroin connection, you fuckhead? I could still be getting my nod on right now if he hadn't of fucked everything up by shooting & killing somebody in 2019. Maybe not though, since that's when heroin basically disappeared & it all became fentanyl. Is there even "real" heroin dealers in the midwest of USA anymore? It's been nothing but pain, misery & bupe-induced apathy ever since.

 

[Deleted member 290563]

They'll just say the same old, tired, hypocritical bullshit (i.e. - but opioids are DANGEROUS, but opioids are ADDICTIVE... yeah so are a million legal things).

It's basically a war on people's spirits & their bodily autonomy.

It’s amazing how scared we are of shit like codiene and hydrocodone here. The shit is sold over the counter in many places. Hydrocodone wasn’t even schedule 2 like a decade ago here.

So we lost freedom that we barely had over our bodies.

Then with abortion pills and contraceptives there’s a big push to ban all that stuff.

Euthanasia is banned. The government practicing medicine with zero medical training is one thing that really enrages me.

Then sex work is illegal.

We don’t even own our bodies in this fucking hell hole i hate America. Fuck the money here this country is garbage.

 

[DeathIndustrial88]

We don’t even own our bodies in this fucking hell hole i hate America. Fuck the money here this country is garbage.

I couldn't agree more. This is the rage you need to keep your head up!
I say this to some one at least once a day. lol This country is straight up fucking evil. It's literally a death factory designed to chew up & spit people out in chunks of gore. All while they make more & more "profit" (fake paper & digital money that they've assigned value to).

There's nothing wrong with you at all for the situation you're in. Don't let this weigh too heavy on you because it can send you into some dark places. I took the "junkie" label & now I wear it with pride. Hell yeah I'm a fuckin' junkie! (well mostly just bupe, benzos & the occassional stims or psychedelics now). And fuck anyone who thinks I'm a bad person for it! I don't know of a single person who WANTS to live in pain & everyone, no matter if they use drugs or not, they're all using something to escape pain, reality, etc.. even if it's just sitting on their ass binge watching a TV series or something. They just don't see it the way we see it, but they're also probably idiots that know nothing about the real world or drugs/medicine.

Idk if anything I can say can ever help, but you're around some like-minded people on here & I've always got your back!

I spend at least 80hrs a week completely alone, in pain, miserable, feeling like total shit & wondering wtf I can do to make it end, while all these bastards in office get to control me down to my very fiber of being & what goes in & out of my body. It's an insane fucking world to have to exist in & most days I can't understand why people aren't doing something about it all.

 

[Deleted member 290563]

while all these bastards in office get to control me down to my very fiber of being & what goes in & out of my body.

Meanwhile they have every drug from pills to ketamine going through their bodies and tons of them are fucking underage sex worker minors. Elon ran and destroyed the government high off his ass on ketamine mdma and mushrooms and adderall. You know all thes 90 year old fuckers in congress are on mad dope otherwise they could barley even get on the plane to go to the one out of 200 workdays they actually show up to per year. All with immunity.

Then the just wholesale robbery of half of our paychecks for scams meant to look like good things for the country/world but in reality 95% of it is unnecessary and straight up stolen by these fuckers. It even bodily freedom in exchange for half our earnings

I really can’t believe Americans havnt done anything about these fuckers…but that’s Americans for you…give em their bread crumbs and circus and they’ll ignore it.

 

[DeathIndustrial88]

Meanwhile they have every drug from pills to ketamine going through their bodies and tons of them are fucking underage sex worker minors. Elon ran and destroyed the government high off his ass on ketamine mdma and mushrooms and adderall. You know all thes 90 year old fuckers in congress are on mad dope otherwise they could barley even get on the plane to go to the one out of 200 workdays they actually show up to per year. All with immunity.

Then the just wholesale robbery of half of our paychecks for scams meant to look like good things for the country/world but in reality 95% of it is unnecessary and straight up stolen by these fuckers. It even bodily freedom in exchange for half our earnings

I really can’t believe Americans havnt done anything about these fuckers…but that’s Americans for you…give em their bread crumbs and circus and they’ll ignore it.

I'd love to go to another country where either opioids are available over the counter or they legal heroin maintenance.

But of course, this country keeps me broke enough that I'll never be able to do this.

Yeah Trump & his ilk are pretty big fuckin' hypocrites whining about fentanyl & drugs all the time - https://www.reuters.com/world/us/tr...ided-drugs-misused-funds-pentagon-2024-01-28/

It's okay when they do it, but us civilians are morally failing "lazy" junkies when we do it.

 

[Mr. Krinkle]

stfu @DeathIndustrial88

 

[Deleted member 290563]

stfu @DeathIndustrial88

you never responded to the last post I linked you in making fun of you after you were attacking some kid going through different personal shit and were failing at trying to be funny. Just like in this thread.

Here’s the link, still waiting for your reply…or are you just stumped? Or this pussy probably blocked me because his ego got hurt our last go around when I toyed with his shit IQ.

https://www.bluelight.org/community/threads/almost-ready-to-be-gay.935273/post-16266623

I got you figured out, you’re so slow, your MO on BL is to try and be funny or witty but in reality you walk yourself right into every punchline you set up for me by opening your mouth. it was fun doing it before to you in your own dedicated Krinkle lounge megathread (what a fucking loser btw to even have such a thing) and the mods actually made me stop because you were getting so chewed up.

We have serious conversations on most of BL. We talk about the impacts of drugs on lives and society. We talk about science. You are a retard that can only communicate at Lounge level discourse, so be gone back to your “lair” or “den” or whatever your retsrded megathread is called in the lounge and keep posting 50 meaningless one liners a day about literally nothing thinking you’re being cute.

Like I’ve never seen you even post about drugs in any of the drug forums in my life. Are you just on BL for the lounge and a social life? What a loser.

o this.

 

[Them Witches]

What I find disturbing is when I meet a doctor and they make the snarky cross comment ," Your on a lot of meds." As if my doctor of two decades wrote it all the first time I meet him and has been observing me like a test rat to see how long it takes for me to self destruct. As if my doctor and I are outcasts. I encountered a heart doctor 8 months ago while admitted in the hospital for bradycardia who clearly passed judgement on me. He attempted to cold-turkey me off of Roxicodone 210mg, Clonidine 0.9mg, Ativan 2mg, Vistaril PAM 200mg, and Lunesta 3mg at once. I told him I would discharge immediately if I did not get my Roxicodone & Methadone. My Dad being concerned triggered me to stay admitted to have tests run. Also cold-turkey from Toprol ER 100mg, Lisinipril 40mg, and Diltiazem 240mg.

We never got to the tests because the withdrawals from Clonidine, Ativan, Vistaril PAM, and Lunesta had me in a rage. I had to wait 4hrs for my daily Rx Roxi 30mg dose and that lit the fire. I kept slamming my 350lb fire-rated room door and throwing the excess chairs in my room at 5am while the other heart patients were trying to sleep. The nurses were not allowed to disobey the doctor's orders of even giving me 1/2 doses of these meds. The nurses said the doctor was doing an emergency surgery and said he would be with me in 2 hrs. That wasn't good enough for me and I expressed how I felt with a 210/130 BP and 170bpm pulse. I told them they had less than 5 mins to get the IV's out and remove the heart monitor or it would end up in pieces on the floor. My arms were shaking so bad it took 5 mins to get the IV's out. Watching me shake, sweat, yawn, sneeze they nurse said ,"Are you okay to leave?"

I told the nurses and floor manager ," I don't know what you are trying to prove. As soon as I get home to my meds, I am going to stop all these withdrawals at once. This is how you kill someone." I got home and snorted Clonidine, Lunesta, Ativan, and Roxicodone to make it stop. I never snort my meds either. I also do not stray from medical data stating to taper off all of these meds slowly and individually. Why would a trained doctor throw his training out the window because he disproves of my program of 20 years? I meet with my doctor shortly after this and explained what happened he was not happy. When I told him I was slamming the fire door and throwing chairs his response was,
" Oh My."

On follow up with the cardiologist (a different one), she said," Your on a lot of meds." My reply, "After decades it is different. Show me your medical data that states to cold-turkey opioids, alpha2, benzo, sedative/hypnotic, and strong anti-histamines at once without proper tapering. I will not admit there unless my contract of no medication refusal is signed by hospital managers."

 

[Them Witches]

^ I am used to my BP/Pu getting that high. Once I take Clonidine, Ativan, and other heart meds it returns to safe levels. This was a great way to cause a patient to not go to the hospital when they feel the need to.

I do not tell many people about the meds I take because it is none of their business. I know they will pass judgement because they do not understand chronic pain syndrome and what we deal with daily. The fight to have a decent quality of life is neverending and exhausting. Adding heart disorders and chronic eye infections to chronic pain syndrome is not glorifying. Being disabled unable to work is not lucky to not have to go to work. Trying to work full-time with all this is difficult.

I fear getting cancer knowing treating the pain will be difficult without taking 2000mme daily and half of that being IV dosing.

 

[Deleted member 290563]

What I find disturbing is when I meet a doctor and they make the snarky cross comment ," Your on a lot of meds." As if my doctor of two decades wrote it all the first time I meet him and has been observing me like a test rat to see how long it takes for me to self destruct. As if my doctor and I are outcasts. I encountered a heart doctor 8 months ago while admitted in the hospital for bradycardia who clearly passed judgement on me. He attempted to cold-turkey me off of Roxicodone 210mg, Clonidine 0.9mg, Ativan 2mg, Vistaril PAM 200mg, and Lunesta 3mg at once. I told him I would discharge immediately if I did not get my Roxicodone & Methadone. My Dad being concerned triggered me to stay admitted to have tests run. Also cold-turkey from Toprol ER 100mg, Lisinipril 40mg, and Diltiazem 240mg.

We never got to the tests because the withdrawals from Clonidine, Ativan, Vistaril PAM, and Lunesta had me in a rage. I had to wait 4hrs for my daily Rx Roxi 30mg dose at that lit the fire. I kept slamming my 350lb fire-rated room door and throwing the excess chairs in my room at 5am while the other heart patients were trying to sleep. The nurses were not allowed to disobey the doctor's orders of even giving me 1/2 doses of these meds. The nurses said the doctor was doing an emergency surgery and said he would be with me in 2 hrs. That wasn't good enough for me and I expressed how I felt with a 210/130 BP and 170bpm pulse. I told them they had less than 5 mins to get the IV's out and remove the heart monitor or I it would end up in pieces on the floor. My arms were shaking so bad it took 5 mins to get the IV's out. Watching me shake, sweat, yawn, sneeze they nurse said ,"Are you okay to leave?"

I told the nurses and floor manager ," I don't know what you are trying to prove. As soon as I get home to my meds, I am going to stop all these withdrawals at once. This is how you kill someone." I got home and snorted Clonidine, Lunesta, Ativan, and Roxicodone to make it stop. I never snort my meds either. I also do not stray from medical data stating to taper off all of these meds slowly and individually. Why would a trained doctor throw his training out the window because he disproves of my program of 20 years? I meet with my doctor shortly after this and explained what happened he was not happy. When I told him I was slamming the fire door and throwing chairs his response was ," Oh My."

On follow up with the cardiologist (a different one), she said ," Your on a lot of meds." My reply ,"After decades it is different. Show me your medical data that states to cold-turkey opioids, alpha2, benzo, sedative/hypnotic, and strong anti-histamines at once without proper tapering. I will not admit there unless my contract of no medication refusal is signed by hospital managers."

Jesus this is the shit doctors should be losing licenses for. It for being a pain management doctor and prescribing too much hydrocodone.

A doctor that isn’t even a specialist in anesthesia (pain management) really doesn’t understand what the fuck it is they are doing when it comes to this kind of stuff.

I’m enraged for you and I don’t even know you.