Tale of a Methoxetamine addict.

[Crabcatcher]

Only started using it last year around the end of September, bought a gram and loved it.
Tried sublingual, snorting and vaping.

After that I started buying in larger amounts, 10 grams at a time.

I started using it at least once daily, plugging about 50mg at a time, wasn't working so did it a couple of times a day.
I was still living with my folks at that point.

Early this year I moved into an apartment on my own, first thing I did was order another 10g.
Started plugging 100mg at a time, m-holed a few times but that soon stopped.
Would do this once a day after work, and ~3 times a day on weekends.

Soon I went up to dosing twice a day after work and 5 or so times a day on weekends.
So I'd end up going through at least 2g a week.
The euphoric effect got shorter and shorter, the other effects were still quite long.
I stopped my SSRI's earlier so I could try out some 2C-P & 4-ACO-DMT I had bought.

The MXE started to really exacerbate the depression, after a little euphoria I'd sink into a bog of despair.
I truly believed that the best thing to do was to kill myself, attempted it once with a couple of helium tanks and a CPAP mask, guess I missed some leaks.
After that already started planning a second shot, ordering some Potassium Ferrocyanide which I planned to drop into some Hydrochloric Acid to breathe in the resulting Cyanide gas.

Before it got to me my parents (worked with them) noticed something, guess my mask at work was slipping a bit, they thought I was going to kill myself and had me taken to a hospital.
Stayed in a psyche ward for a bit then transferred to a rehab center, which is where I am now.

Still feel depression, not as bad as when I was using, but still there.
Constant craving for anything to take it away, MXE or Opiates mostly.

I don't know if I can do it, be sober and happy, it just seems like a very hopeless prospect.

 

[herbavore]

It is not hopeless, Crabcathcher; you need to give it some time. I am thankful that you have parents that care and that noticed something was not right. If you already suffer from depression you need to make sure that no chemicals that you are putting into your body are making that worse. The battle against depression is a tough one even on its own---you don't want to stack the deck against yourself. Giving yourself time to explore the roots of the depression is the best thing you can do right now. I am very glad that you are alive and that you got help. I know that right now you must be feeling terrible but try to imagine a future free of dependence on highs that just get harder and harder to achieve; imagine not needing those highs at all. When I first stopped doing drugs, it was a scary time but after a very short time (in retrospect) I felt freer than I had felt since I was a child. Use the tools rehab is offering. It's not magic and it does take work but the reward is freedom within yourself. Good luck. Will you be able to check in and let us know how it is going?