Taking Flight

[rollinboyo]

Glimpse of a work in progress...

I flee to the shore
to the safety of ceaseless waves
in their deathless droning rhythm
and their boundless hidden power
I sense the hand of God

I flee to the forest
to the stillness of its mossy depths
in its joyful singing birds
its fluttering whispered breeze
I feel my soul at peace

I flee to the fields
to the warmth of sun-bathed plains
in the rows of golden wheat
and the buzzing summer bees
I find purity at last

 

[rollinboyo]

someone willing to comment? Please, if you think it sucks, say so.

 

[TheDeceased]

It's not bad, don't take the following critique as overly negative... You asked for feedback, after all.

It's a little formulaic for my liking and it seems to be formulaic somewhat for the sake of it, unless I'm missing something. It would make sense if there was something unsatisfactory about the first to places that you fled to. Like with the second stanza, if you flee to the forest and your soul is at peace, then why flee again? What are you running from? And why the "at last" in the last line of the poem?

In terms of specific lines, I don't like "in it's joyful singing birds".. there is too much description rather than feeling in the last two stanzas, I think. The first stanza is my favourite because rather than just describing the place by listing three elements that exist there, it describes what the place means to you.. or something... like why do you find purity in the fields rather than the shore or the forest? You state that you do, but don't hint as to what about it makes you feel completeness.. I also don't like the line "and the buzzing summer bees" because it isn't as poetic and visual as some of the other lines in the poem.

 

[rollinboyo]

Thanks very much