Sometimes I wonder why I have poor self esteem. Simple tasks and challenges which shouldn't be anxiety or doubt producing can seem insurmountable. "I can't do it," is the first voice which pops into my head.
Then again, sometimes I know exactly why my self esteem is so bad. First let me say that I feel guilty to a certain extent about what I'm about to do, but at the same time, believe the people who raise a child do deserve honest criticism and reflection on their work. How else do you learn and improve?
Secondly - the point of this blog post, honestly, is to garner sympathy and attention. If someone has had a similar parent, or similar experience I'd like nothing more right now than to see "I empathise with you, I know exactly what that's like."
Onto the whinge. My father has what's know colloquially as an "anal retentive" personality. Another common way of describing it is "kinda OCD," all though he certainly does not suffer from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. No - anal retention refers to a style of being in the world that to any person with a free mind and soul at the best of times finds irritating, and at the worst, murderously infuriating.
The bad traits of this personality style are; Nit picking, criticising, controlling, narrow minded, rigid, stubborn. Avoids emotional exchanges as much as possible - hyper-rational, quick to anger, a "spare the rod spoil the child" type.
There were times growing up I genuinely despised my father. All kids have moments when they think "I hate you," but I believe mine were much more potent and extended. I don't flat out despise him. His father died when he was twelve. How can a man who never had a man to teach HIM how to be a man teach another man to be a man? No, I don't hold hatred in my heart for him.
Below is a list, in no particular order, of all the rules one MUST adhere to when simply taking a shower. Undoubtedly I've forgotten some of the rules, as no normal person conjures so many laws surrounding something as simple as bathing. Imagine having to be afraid, all the time, of getting one of these things wrong.
- Before showering, the fan must be put on 1.
- The towels must be spread correctly on the towel rack.
- The bath mat must be placed outside the shower in the right position.
- The shower screen must be placed at the correct angle.
- When turning on the shower, the water must be turned on at the correct pace.
- All shampoos, soaps etc. must be replaced, closed, in their correction position.
- To much water on the floor (decided arbitrarily) is wrong.
- The window sill and all windows must be dried with a cloth after showering, and the bath mat must be folded correctly and replaced correctly.
- The cloth used to dry the sill must be wrung out and folded correctly.
- No hair must be left in the bath or sink.
- Upon exiting the bathroom, the fan must be placed on 3.
- After a certain arbitrary time, the fan must be turned off.
- After using the toilet, to much (arbitrarily decided) toilet spray is unacceptable.
Neglecting ANY single one of these rules warrants a harsh verbal scolding. Any sign of resistance or back chat or anything short of complete adherence to orders (or even worse disagreement with the degree of importance placed on a transgression) might warrant a smack.
Remember this is just one aspect of every day life. Every single aspect of existence is governed like this. You better believe even with the most careful consideration, not a single day goes by without a verbal attack.
It is literally IMPOSSIBLE to be right around these types of people. The word I was used to hearing most growing up was "wrong." Our average interaction went like this. (My name,) then a criticism. Something I did wrong, not well enough, something I still had to do (an order,) something I could do better in the future, why didn't I do such and such, and on and on and on...all over stuff like taking a shower.
When I wonder why we don't have a good relationship, when I wonder my self esteem is so poor, I stop myself, and tell myself not to think about it to much. It's a shame, but such is life.
Then again, sometimes I know exactly why my self esteem is so bad. First let me say that I feel guilty to a certain extent about what I'm about to do, but at the same time, believe the people who raise a child do deserve honest criticism and reflection on their work. How else do you learn and improve?
Secondly - the point of this blog post, honestly, is to garner sympathy and attention. If someone has had a similar parent, or similar experience I'd like nothing more right now than to see "I empathise with you, I know exactly what that's like."
Onto the whinge. My father has what's know colloquially as an "anal retentive" personality. Another common way of describing it is "kinda OCD," all though he certainly does not suffer from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. No - anal retention refers to a style of being in the world that to any person with a free mind and soul at the best of times finds irritating, and at the worst, murderously infuriating.
The bad traits of this personality style are; Nit picking, criticising, controlling, narrow minded, rigid, stubborn. Avoids emotional exchanges as much as possible - hyper-rational, quick to anger, a "spare the rod spoil the child" type.
There were times growing up I genuinely despised my father. All kids have moments when they think "I hate you," but I believe mine were much more potent and extended. I don't flat out despise him. His father died when he was twelve. How can a man who never had a man to teach HIM how to be a man teach another man to be a man? No, I don't hold hatred in my heart for him.
Below is a list, in no particular order, of all the rules one MUST adhere to when simply taking a shower. Undoubtedly I've forgotten some of the rules, as no normal person conjures so many laws surrounding something as simple as bathing. Imagine having to be afraid, all the time, of getting one of these things wrong.
- Before showering, the fan must be put on 1.
- The towels must be spread correctly on the towel rack.
- The bath mat must be placed outside the shower in the right position.
- The shower screen must be placed at the correct angle.
- When turning on the shower, the water must be turned on at the correct pace.
- All shampoos, soaps etc. must be replaced, closed, in their correction position.
- To much water on the floor (decided arbitrarily) is wrong.
- The window sill and all windows must be dried with a cloth after showering, and the bath mat must be folded correctly and replaced correctly.
- The cloth used to dry the sill must be wrung out and folded correctly.
- No hair must be left in the bath or sink.
- Upon exiting the bathroom, the fan must be placed on 3.
- After a certain arbitrary time, the fan must be turned off.
- After using the toilet, to much (arbitrarily decided) toilet spray is unacceptable.
Neglecting ANY single one of these rules warrants a harsh verbal scolding. Any sign of resistance or back chat or anything short of complete adherence to orders (or even worse disagreement with the degree of importance placed on a transgression) might warrant a smack.
Remember this is just one aspect of every day life. Every single aspect of existence is governed like this. You better believe even with the most careful consideration, not a single day goes by without a verbal attack.
It is literally IMPOSSIBLE to be right around these types of people. The word I was used to hearing most growing up was "wrong." Our average interaction went like this. (My name,) then a criticism. Something I did wrong, not well enough, something I still had to do (an order,) something I could do better in the future, why didn't I do such and such, and on and on and on...all over stuff like taking a shower.
When I wonder why we don't have a good relationship, when I wonder my self esteem is so poor, I stop myself, and tell myself not to think about it to much. It's a shame, but such is life.