take them back.

[iLoveYouWithaKnife]

You sounded happy today
when I called you and asked
if I could come over-
...to pick up my things.
So I left work
because I couldn't
sit in this fucking office
one minute longer.

So I stopped for gas
and drove to your apartment.
I didn't plan any words to say
on the way-
because I couldn't think
of anything, at all.
You had a garbage bag
of things placed by the door.
And my vcr
and pots and pots
sat on top of your tv.

As I grabbed my things
you asked me if I needed
any help.
And as I struggled to
hold onto my excuse to come over
I told you no.
And I walked away.

But this time you followed
me down the street
and you mumbled words
that I don't even remember
hearing-
because I was too
pre-occupied in thought.
I drove away.

I pulled into a hotel parking lot
and opened up my trunk
and the garbage bag
you had packed.
And as Bens Fold poured
out his heart on my stereo,
tears poured out of my eyes
in that vacant lot
because you gave back
every single picture
you had of me.
I thought maybe you
would archive one.

I got in my car and
just started screaming
because I had no idea
why you would want
me out of your life?
What didn't I do?
Telling you I wasn't going
to fuck your friends,
when your drunk insecurites
would creep in again
...just wasn't enough.

Why didn't you believe
I was trying to take
my time and trying
to do things right this time?
I gave you no reason to
think I wanted to be
with anyone else
in this whole entire world,
besides you.

You know,
I had gotten used to
being by myself-
because I couldn't fall
into the arms of somone else,
because nobody could
take your place.
I had gotten used to
not thinking about you...
Where you were-
Who you were fucking-
Wondering if you were
thinking about me-
I figured you weren't.

I sat in the parking lot
at work and tried
to cover up
my already swollen
red eyes
and tried to compose
myself the best I could.
did you get that feature
for the front page
of tomorrow's edition?
Fuck, I forgot I was
suppose to be doing work.
I mumbeled something,
walked away
and started to cry.

I called you
when I got upstairs
to the darkroom-
and asked you if
you ever cheated on me
when we were together-
or trying to work things out-
And I think you are still
lying to me.
I slammed down the phone.

And maybe that's my
biggest insecurity-
that your lying to me.
While yours is jealousy.
But I never did
anything that should
have made you green in the eyes.
But this whole time,
you filled up mine
with tears.

People talk,
and sometimes
your soft words
aren't enough to make
me believe anything
you say.

Because a month ago
you told me how you
realized alot of things.
...how you never wanted
to be without me again.
...how much you missed me,
and loved me, and how
you'd never break my
heart again...

But here i am
feeling dead inside.

I can't pack up
all of your memories
into a garbage bag
and lock it in your trunk.
So why are your memories
in my car?
Take them back
for future reference.
That I would have done
anything in the world
for you,
if we just could
have had the right
amount of time...
to make things work.

There was no rush.

 

[cherub]

I know you are still struggling with the what if's and they how come's but i hope you get past this and thank you for sharing the tough time in your life.

Hugs !

 

[SnowFrog]

I do not read as much as I used to on Blue Light, I guess life just takes ya places... but when I do come back to read a few things, iLoveYouWithaKnife is one of the names I look for. Not sure why, maybe its just the "hit home" feeling that I get when I read ur words...

Great work once again.... and thanks for the feeling of knowing I'm not alone.

B

 

[alostlittlebird]

"But this time you followed
me down the street
and you mumbled words
that I don't even remember
hearing-
because I was too
pre-occupied in thought.
I drove away."

I love the structure of your stanzas (is that the right word, I really can't remember). Very abrupt, but also so honest. Great piece

 

[E-girl]