Relapse Synthetic love or human love?

[PlainPalace]

Well, long story long, I got off the heavy stuff (opioids) 8 years ago with the help of medicated assisted therapy - subs, SSRI’s, and some awful therapists. Haven’t touched opes since. But I was miserable clean. White knuckling as some would say. I honestly thought I’d be alone and depressed forever. I was a successful musician until the drugs but felt I had killed that part of myself with the H and the shame. Not to mention my dive into isolation.

Skip to a couple months before Covid, I got scripted Adderall by a well-intended doc and I started living. Started socializing again which led to meeting the love of my life. Problem is I’ve now been unable to stop using stims for more than 3 months at a time without abusing them. And worse, I became a dishonest person and partner in the process.

They help me live. That’s all I want. No more anhedonia, finish my record. I want be able to get out of bed in the morning. But I know where they’ll likely lead me. She does too. the cost is too high. I’ve shot cocaine a couple times since this phase started. That was enough for her to leave and take a break from us and our agreed upon future children for a bit. That should’ve been enough but I picked up blow two weeks after I went to stay at my parents for a bit. Im going to plug some of it after I write this, like wtf?! am I simply struggling with addiction or do I actually prefer this? The synthetic, poor excuse for euphoria compared to the prospect of genuine love and health?

Has anyone else struggled with not feeling satisfied by “happiness” or even striving for it? Have you ever been able to live and feel excited about something natural after the fire that we’ve played with? Thanks.

 

[Snafu in the Void]

Has anyone else struggled with not feeling satisfied by “happiness” or even striving for it? Have you ever been able to live and feel excited about something natural after the fire that we’ve played with? Thanks.

absolutely, I think every addict goes through that

I think the only real cure is to find purpose. To find something in life that is worth not getting high for, something more important. Without this, you will always have anhedonia without drugs.

Personally for me fitness and specifically long distance running was the best direct replacement. Runner's high sure isn't heroin or cocaine-- but it's real and a great feeling.

If you find something in life, some goal, that is more important to you than getting high life starts to make sense again, you will get that fire in you again. Without that it will be virtually impossible to live sober and happy. Simply "being sober" is not a goal, that's intangible.

What do you want out of life? Do you ever really honestly ask yourself? Not some answer like "I just want to be happy", but what do you really want? Happiness will come and go throughout your life, the more you try to grab onto it the more it runs away. I'm talking about a real, tangible goal... a reason not to get high as not to screw it up. Once you find that thing you won't even consider or think about getting high.