Raz
Bluelighter
I am the beginning and the end..
...the alpha and the omega...
There are times I sit awake and cry
because I remember the pain and the bitterness like it was the first time I felt it;
and as much growth as there has been,
sometimes it all comes back to this.
I miss her.
I miss him.
I miss the days when all I hated was myself;
I miss the days when there were people to protect me from the world.
I miss the days when I thought I could never feel any worse.
Because now I know there is worse out there than self-loathing;
there's worse pain than that which you can inflict upon yourself.
You will never run out of tears.
I've grown through this but sometimes I feel like I went back to the start.
Sometimes analysis takes a backseat to wanting a hug from the people I love.
Sometimes wanting them to hurt like you do...it's all that consumes you.
Human suffering is universal, but it's not a help.
And for every time I've hurt I know I'll hurt again.
For every time I've wanted to hurt I know I will.
Meanwhile...meanwhile I take on that suffering for those who never will feel it.
Meanwhile my heart tears itself apart while they think the worst they will ever feel is a broken heart when their latest love leaves them.
Meanwhile I miss those who have gone and I don't want to anymore.
It's synchronicity.
It's a palindrome.
When you get to the bottom you go back to the top of the slide
where you stop and you turn and you go for a ride..
...when you get to the bottom there I'll see you again...
...the alpha and the omega...
There are times I sit awake and cry
because I remember the pain and the bitterness like it was the first time I felt it;
and as much growth as there has been,
sometimes it all comes back to this.
I miss her.
I miss him.
I miss the days when all I hated was myself;
I miss the days when there were people to protect me from the world.
I miss the days when I thought I could never feel any worse.
Because now I know there is worse out there than self-loathing;
there's worse pain than that which you can inflict upon yourself.
You will never run out of tears.
I've grown through this but sometimes I feel like I went back to the start.
Sometimes analysis takes a backseat to wanting a hug from the people I love.
Sometimes wanting them to hurt like you do...it's all that consumes you.
Human suffering is universal, but it's not a help.
And for every time I've hurt I know I'll hurt again.
For every time I've wanted to hurt I know I will.
Meanwhile...meanwhile I take on that suffering for those who never will feel it.
Meanwhile my heart tears itself apart while they think the worst they will ever feel is a broken heart when their latest love leaves them.
Meanwhile I miss those who have gone and I don't want to anymore.
It's synchronicity.
It's a palindrome.
When you get to the bottom you go back to the top of the slide
where you stop and you turn and you go for a ride..
...when you get to the bottom there I'll see you again...
