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Swingers gone wrong, points of view needed

blasty

Greenlighter
Joined
May 30, 2012
Messages
19
Hi everybody

Apologies for one of my early posts at this site this is going to be a bit deep. I would also like to say I am looking for your points of view in the situation I will describe. I dont want advice so to speak I want to know what you think and what you would do in this situation. I will try to describe this as basically as possible I dont really want to get my feelings into it as its the situation I am asking about.

Ok so me and my wife are long time married and we have children. We have been involved in the swinging scene for some years but only over the last 2 years or so did we actually get physical with other people. We have met with various other couples over the last few years and been to swingers clubs. This all seemed to be fine until about a month back.

About one year ago we met with a couple from the site we are on we met them twice once socially and then a second follow up to get physical. Both meets went without a problem a good time was had by all. Then a few months later by a simple random response to a status update the male half of the couple was invited to our place for some MMF fun. This is fine in his realtionship his wife has no issues with him playing alone. One day I log onto the PC to look at our swingers site profile but couldent log in as theres another account logged in on our PC. Turns out my wife without my knowledge set up a new single female account on the website we are on and was messaging the guy dirty messages. Ok its not the end of the world but it is against what we agreed was acceptable. Our rules were quite straight foreward, we play with people and thats it we dont keep up relations after or between meetings. My wife didnt think this was a major issue but I asked her to stop and she said she would. After this we talked about what had been said between them and she expressed a desire to meet with him alone. This is way outside of my comfort zone I am not at all happy about this and I told my wife this. To me swinging is something to be shared together not to be done alone. We have quite a few heated discussions about it. As we have been on the scene for some time we know lot of people and everyone has various sets of rules about what they are and are not comfortable with. My wife thought that as other couples we know play alone then she cant understand why she cant do that too. On top of that the guy in question is in a 100% open relationship he and his wife can play with anyone they want including the married partners of other couples whos partners know nothing about it. He has said he will happily play with her alone and in fact that is his prefferance rather than another MMF. My wife tells me she will delete the extra account and they will stop talking.

Time moves on I thought not much of it but the arguements about playing alone continued. I thought this was odd as the situation was over but it in the end I discovered they had not stopped talking at all and had now moved on to texting. Will admit I checked up on her I was deeply suspicious due to her behavior. We had some very serious discussions and arguements and she agreed again to stop texting the guy. Long story short this has gone on and on we have had lots of heart to hearts and she says she will stop but everytime he is back on the text again. She says that the relationship they have has now moved past being just sex based. He talks to her and listens to her problems and she feels that he is a friend. Both of them say (I get the odd text from him) that most of the converation they have is non sex based however whenever I find texts from the two of them is nearly always 100% sexual. My wife has also admited that she phoned him on several occasions. We have discussed some of what they talk about and she has told me that he gives her advice on our relationship. When we have an arguement she speaks to him about it and she also talks to him about all the issues in our relationship. I am not comfortable with that, its an odd situation for me. If it were her mother or sister fine but a once swinging partner? Just does not seem right. He has made it clear that he is always available for my wife to text if she wants to and he will always reply and give her advice as he is not hiding anything at his end.

At this moment in time my wife has suppoisidly broken conatact with him. We are meant to be working on our relationship. Today we had another arguement and we go over the same old issues. This is where I would like neutral points of view.

Her take on the situation: She says he is a happily married guy in an open relationship and he is no threat to us. She considers him a friend and he helps and gives her advice. Me asking her to cut him off damages our relationship and she feels controlled that she cant have a friend. She resents me for putting pressure on her to break their relationship off and feels like she has lost a friend now that they are not talking. Although she says they are friends she has admited that there would always be a sexual nature to their conversations.

My take on the situation: I am really unhappy with the relationship they have as it developed from a mistrust situation. My wife has constantly contacted him without my knowledge even when she claims she is not in contact. I dont like someone my wife has had a sexual relationship with giving her advice on our relationship and her texting him every time we have an argument it just does not seem right.

Finally its worth saying that our relationship has issues anyway, I was not that aware of these until recently. The relationship may end anyway regardless of the above. I would like to work on our issues so would like to know what others think. Should I let my wife stay in conatact with this guy and try and work on things between us and ignore him. This would be very difficult as I fell everything I say or every tiff we had gets texted to him. Or should I stand my ground and insist she does not contact him. As said above this may not decide the realtionship either way but would like your points of view anyway.

Bit deep for a 5th 6th post but there you go, all points of view appreciated.
 
Swinging only works in a very mature, trusting relationship.

Your wife has gone against the agreed upon terms, but has more importantly broken your trust with her continuous lies and deception.

I'd suggest that you are not ready for an open relationship, especially considering how uncomfortable you are. Your relationship as a whole is in quite a bit of trouble too, as your wife is showing you absolutely no respect :( She is refusing to consider your feelings, and is pushing for something that you are not comfortable with. Essentially, she is trying to railroad you to get what she wants.

Don't let her walk all over you! Judging from your post, you are definitely being mistreated and you have a right to be treated fairly and with respect. You may not be able to find this with your wife any longer. Her behaviour is absolutely unacceptable.

I'd be completely closing the relationship in order to work on your issues. If she's not willing to do that, then she's not worth trying for.

It's good that you want to work on things, but perhaps the damage is done. Her actions would be unforgivable IMO :(
 
damn... you played with fire, and then you got burned

I was in the winger scene with an ex gf, though she was essentially bi, we never had this kind of problems.

I tried to swing with my current gf, but in the process of talking to other couples, i saw she was not picturing it like a couple thing, and was imaging herself alone with the other guy, and not in a MMF orMFMF.

When i pointed it out, we had a talk and decided we were not ready yet. So stand by for the moment.

Relating to your situation, i think your wife is bullshitting you.... And if she wants to meet him despise you feeling uncomfortable about it, shows she doesn't cares about your couple so much. Perhaps if she agreed to make you feel comfortable about it, meeting this guy with you as a friend, or whatever it takes, you should reconsider.
 
Okay, I agree with all, in that swinging is basically playing with fire.

Perhaps... but like you say, she "has more than broken the boundary that you guys had set, and does not seem inclined to make it right". Partners in perfectly monogamous relationships do this all the time too. Every relationship has an unwritten contract and if one partner is being disrespectful towards the other's feelings, or deceitful... well you have a problem.

You're not going to like it, but your wife sounds naive, immature and like she has a major crush on this guy. Why does she need him as a friend? Does she have many girlfriends she is "out" to as a swinger to talk about these things with? Is she lonely? I'm in a 100% open relationship and I NEVER talk about issues I have in my primary relationship with my lovers. I have girlfriends for that. I don't think my SO does either; it's inappropriate, personal and nothing to do with them. They wouldn't ask either. My extra curricular sex is a fun recreational activity, nothing to do with my intimate connection with my man.

I wouldn't trust this guy either, since he has no protected/special time with his wife (always available for your wife? really??), no boundaries in their relationship etc. He sounds like a narcissistic charmer who's seducing her by "listening" and got your lady under his spell at the moment. I do believe his true colours will come out eventually and she'll probably get hurt, but this might be something she deserves if she doesn't wake up. It's totally disrespectful to talk to him behind your back, and ESPECIALLY about your relationship.

What should you do? Difficult to say. Don't "ban" her from seeing him, this won't work. Tbh I would be tempted to take a little break just for everyone to re-assess where they stand. This sounds too intense to think clearly. I'd say let her see him or talk to him as much as she wants since she's going to do it anyway :( but try to see how it is affecting your feelings towards her. You might not want to be with her any more and this would be her doing, or you might find out that it fizzles out once her new "friend" doesn't have a marriage to sabotage. A respectful swinger would've backed the fuck out as soon as it became apparent it was causing problems for the primary relationship, and his "ethos" of having sex even with monogamous people who are cheating makes me really suspicious about his motives.

I wish you and your wife all the best... hugs xx
 
Hmmm... Agreed that she has definitely crossed the line. You need to stick to what you agreed on or its bound to become painful in this situation. IMO I think it's the way she went about it - as if she had something to hide. Perhaps if she was upfront about it from the get-go, and openly maintained a friendship or kept in contact with this man in plain view of you it may not be stinging like this. It seems that this situation could be reflective of other relationship issues you guys are having. As it stands, it seems underhanded and deceitful on her behalf, and that hurts you. I don't agree with her actions at all, although I can understand your wife's perspective and I can understand her desire to pursue this avenue of excitement, yet going behind your back to talk to this guy is poisoning your relationship.

Can she have her cake and eat it too? Can you let her go and get it out of her system? I'm not sure I could in the same situation. However, the more you clamp down and restrict your wife in a punitive and emotional way, her tendency will be to start breaking the boundaries on her own terms regardless - effectively becoming a power struggle for freedom and one which will likely cause further damage.

I find it problematic that your wife explains her continued association with this guy as a "friendship" as "helpful" to her emotionally... I find it problematic that this guy gives her something else emotionally that she cannot find within other friendships. All of this is well and good but the action of hiding their contact is the worry.

I don't have the answers, but I would suggest considering "allowing" her to have her "friendship" and given time she will eventually find herself in the position where she must decide between right and wrong, and it is then that she will know how important your relationship is. Largely out of your hands, really. Which is so very hard to cope with. Spend time strengthening yourself, boosting your own wellness and increasing and your inner strength. Tine to turn inward and focus on what it is that you want in this situation.

Peace and happiness to you.. Let us know how things go xxx

Compromises?? Other ideas to put to her? Do you feel as though she understands your issues and that she genuinely cares about your feelings here? And do you feel that you can say the same of her?
 
I completely agree with most everything that has been said thus far by everyone else.
It my SO was continuously disrespecting me and our relationship and our boundaries, It would become clear what her true intentions are. You must arrive at this conclusion on your own and accept it for what it is. It wont be easy, but it'll either make your relationahip stronger or allow you to move on and be a happier person in the end.
If it were me in your shoes I would be taking a long break and see if you both nees each other after a few months.
 
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