ChristBait
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jan 27, 2005
- Messages
- 153
surviving a near-death experience, post enlightenment or brain damage?
Last wednesday, after coming home from work, I was feeling shitty as usual. But the last few days before that seemed like it was starting to boil down to an inevitable end. There seemed to be no escape any more without the drugs and alcohol. Everything in my life was spiraling downwards. At the vocational school where I work, most of the staff and even students there had already labeled me a lunatic, walking through the hallways and seeing people staring at me out of the corners of my eyes. Or even standing outside smoking and looking around to see a group of guys standing together staring at me in ridicule. All ambitions had been drained, all inspiration and motivation to at least succeed in some way in life had been shattered. The realization that everything that I had lived for, strived for, and breathed for in the last 3 years all encompassing a single human being an ocean apart, that betrayed me in a way to the point where it had no only damaged me, but on some level traumatized me because of the circumstances that lead up to the breakup. 11 months, and the constant flashbacks, being overwhelmed with guilt, shame, remorse, hatred, and rage were seemingly festering inside of me, with no real outlet other than to hit the bottle or the pipe. Which up until last week did nothing to kill the pain anymore.
So shortly after coming home, I pop a handful of seroquel and grabbed one of my neckties, one of the same ones that I wore not more than a few months ago to meet new clients or make proposals in front of company executives. lay in bed, put on some music, and rather than contemplating my decision, it was more of a preparation for what I was about to do. After having psyched myself up for about a half hour, I took the tie, wrapped it around my neck and pulled, tied 2 or 3 knots to the point where it would be very difficult to pull off. Tried pulling tighter a few times but never really managed to get it tight enough to cut off circulation to my head. It was one of those ties that were made of some type of nylon and somewhat stretchable fabric. After trying several times unsuccessfuly to wrap it tight enough to suffocate me, I got up, with it still wrapped tightly around my neck, grabbed my silk tie and wrapped that around below the first one. Luckily, this one didn't stretch as much as the other one making it easier to secure it in the double or triple knot I made. To seal the deal, I had grabbed a usb cable that I used to charge my cell phone next to my bed. Tied that around as well, which was considerably more painful, but more effective at cutting off all breathing.
The whole concept of suffocating yourself that way, I figured would be less painful than hanging, since it wouldn't take as much willpower to take the plunge. Also, I figured that before I would actually suffocate, the circulation would be cut off from my head to the point where I would simply pass out before suffocating. That wasn't really the case. Apparently hanging yourself only takes about a minute (from what I've read) before you pass out. With my method, it took at least 10 or 15 minutes of laying in bed with my sheets covered over me, before my breathing started becoming shallow. Long story short, the last few seconds before you realize your going to lose consciosness, is when that pesky survival instinct kicks in and the horrify debilitating ego-loss while struggling desperately to pull the bounds off. Spent at least a good 20 minutes to try to get all three binds off, since not being able to untie all the knots that I had made, instead pulling on the usb cord so hard to loosen it up to the point where it shredded the some of the skin off my fingers. A can still remember glancing in the mirror while I was trying to free myself, and seeing my entire head almost completely blue... eyes, temples, veins, all protruding violently outwards. Gave up a few times after realizing it would be impossible to remove all three bindings, even after a desperate attempt at cutting the neckties with scissors laying on the desk. So kept laying back in bed, and waiting over and over again for it to stop my breathing. By the time the struggle was over, the whole ordeal lasted maybe 20 or 30 minutes, after which point my body was drenched in sweat. Spent Went to the ER shortly after to check on my throat since I started coughing up mucus and blood after I was finished.
Spent a couple days in the psych ward after a couple CAT scans and x-rays. Still even a couple days later the bruises around my neck were very prominent, including the blotches of dark red all over my face from all the blood vessels that I had burst.
Now, its been over a week since I was released from the hospital, and I'm pretty sure that I had cut off circulation and air to my brain for too long to the point where its done some damage. I seem to be very sluggish now and will often times be thinking of something, or planning something, then having my mind drift off a few seconds later, completely forgetting what I was thinking just seconds earlier. My memory has been almost completely shot as far as my recall ability. Cognitive and motor skills also seem to be impaired.
At this point, I know that everyone here reading this is wondering why I'm writing about it all, or possibly even assuming its just another ploy for attention.
But now I'll finally get to my point, which was the main purpose of this thread.
I know myself, and those close to me also know that this ordeal changed me. Not only physically from the possible physical damage, but it seems to have changed my perspective on everything. Now, I don't know if its biological factors that are making me this way, or maybe even an enlightenment. A wake-up call, if you will. Because this I was released from the hospital, and even while in there, my thought process in regards to everything was so slow and weak, that I no longer feel the intense emotions that were plagueing me on a daily basis. Gone are the random outbursts of anger and violent rage, the fear and hopelessness that would oftentimes consume me. Even seems like my social anxiety has been reduced greatly. But in a sense, its not that I feel a sense of joy or happiness that has taken over the negative emotions, but its more of a contentment mixed with some form of apathy. Even though I've written countless times about my situation with my ex in the last couple years, and even recently admitting that I was starting to get over it.... it wasn't until this week that I've come to accept the outcome. And accept a true sense of closure, but not only with the relationship, but life in general.
I feel like I've been almost "dumbed" down to the point where any emotions I feel are very subtle and passive. I can only hope that what has happened to me, isn't just a phase, but something permanent.... that the whole experience wasn't some form of spritual enlightenment or awakening, since that would just be something I could outgrow easily. Rather, I hope what happened to me was entirely biological, and that I've suffered brain damage, hopefully irreversable, to the point where I'll never have to return to the hell that was raging inside my head since I was a child.
I seemed to have lost a great deal of passion for the few things in life that kept me going. Like the death metal and black metal music that I used as a crutch to get through life, and as an outlet for all the repressed anger and hatred I kept constantly buried deep down inside me. Now whenever I listen to the same heavy and agressive music that I once loved, I can no longer feel the intense emotions it used to invoke inside me.
Even my desire to do drugs and alcohol are no longer there. Simply because there seems to be nothing left for me to try "escape" from. No real need to cope, when theres nothing there anymore to have to cope with. The spiritual and emotional warfare that was constantly going on inside me seems to have dissipated.
Fact is, living life was just too hard. Now, simply "existing" is at least tolerable.
I think I've finally achieved emptiness, and can live the rest of my life under the age-old addage of "ignorance is bliss."
My favorite quotes that I heard years ago that I'll never forget, seems to have defined me as a person now...
"It is only after you've lost everything that you're free to do anything."
"Only after complete destruction can we be resurrected."
"Losing all hope is freedom"
oh and PS: fuck all you grammar nazis
Last wednesday, after coming home from work, I was feeling shitty as usual. But the last few days before that seemed like it was starting to boil down to an inevitable end. There seemed to be no escape any more without the drugs and alcohol. Everything in my life was spiraling downwards. At the vocational school where I work, most of the staff and even students there had already labeled me a lunatic, walking through the hallways and seeing people staring at me out of the corners of my eyes. Or even standing outside smoking and looking around to see a group of guys standing together staring at me in ridicule. All ambitions had been drained, all inspiration and motivation to at least succeed in some way in life had been shattered. The realization that everything that I had lived for, strived for, and breathed for in the last 3 years all encompassing a single human being an ocean apart, that betrayed me in a way to the point where it had no only damaged me, but on some level traumatized me because of the circumstances that lead up to the breakup. 11 months, and the constant flashbacks, being overwhelmed with guilt, shame, remorse, hatred, and rage were seemingly festering inside of me, with no real outlet other than to hit the bottle or the pipe. Which up until last week did nothing to kill the pain anymore.
So shortly after coming home, I pop a handful of seroquel and grabbed one of my neckties, one of the same ones that I wore not more than a few months ago to meet new clients or make proposals in front of company executives. lay in bed, put on some music, and rather than contemplating my decision, it was more of a preparation for what I was about to do. After having psyched myself up for about a half hour, I took the tie, wrapped it around my neck and pulled, tied 2 or 3 knots to the point where it would be very difficult to pull off. Tried pulling tighter a few times but never really managed to get it tight enough to cut off circulation to my head. It was one of those ties that were made of some type of nylon and somewhat stretchable fabric. After trying several times unsuccessfuly to wrap it tight enough to suffocate me, I got up, with it still wrapped tightly around my neck, grabbed my silk tie and wrapped that around below the first one. Luckily, this one didn't stretch as much as the other one making it easier to secure it in the double or triple knot I made. To seal the deal, I had grabbed a usb cable that I used to charge my cell phone next to my bed. Tied that around as well, which was considerably more painful, but more effective at cutting off all breathing.
The whole concept of suffocating yourself that way, I figured would be less painful than hanging, since it wouldn't take as much willpower to take the plunge. Also, I figured that before I would actually suffocate, the circulation would be cut off from my head to the point where I would simply pass out before suffocating. That wasn't really the case. Apparently hanging yourself only takes about a minute (from what I've read) before you pass out. With my method, it took at least 10 or 15 minutes of laying in bed with my sheets covered over me, before my breathing started becoming shallow. Long story short, the last few seconds before you realize your going to lose consciosness, is when that pesky survival instinct kicks in and the horrify debilitating ego-loss while struggling desperately to pull the bounds off. Spent at least a good 20 minutes to try to get all three binds off, since not being able to untie all the knots that I had made, instead pulling on the usb cord so hard to loosen it up to the point where it shredded the some of the skin off my fingers. A can still remember glancing in the mirror while I was trying to free myself, and seeing my entire head almost completely blue... eyes, temples, veins, all protruding violently outwards. Gave up a few times after realizing it would be impossible to remove all three bindings, even after a desperate attempt at cutting the neckties with scissors laying on the desk. So kept laying back in bed, and waiting over and over again for it to stop my breathing. By the time the struggle was over, the whole ordeal lasted maybe 20 or 30 minutes, after which point my body was drenched in sweat. Spent Went to the ER shortly after to check on my throat since I started coughing up mucus and blood after I was finished.
Spent a couple days in the psych ward after a couple CAT scans and x-rays. Still even a couple days later the bruises around my neck were very prominent, including the blotches of dark red all over my face from all the blood vessels that I had burst.
Now, its been over a week since I was released from the hospital, and I'm pretty sure that I had cut off circulation and air to my brain for too long to the point where its done some damage. I seem to be very sluggish now and will often times be thinking of something, or planning something, then having my mind drift off a few seconds later, completely forgetting what I was thinking just seconds earlier. My memory has been almost completely shot as far as my recall ability. Cognitive and motor skills also seem to be impaired.
At this point, I know that everyone here reading this is wondering why I'm writing about it all, or possibly even assuming its just another ploy for attention.
But now I'll finally get to my point, which was the main purpose of this thread.
I know myself, and those close to me also know that this ordeal changed me. Not only physically from the possible physical damage, but it seems to have changed my perspective on everything. Now, I don't know if its biological factors that are making me this way, or maybe even an enlightenment. A wake-up call, if you will. Because this I was released from the hospital, and even while in there, my thought process in regards to everything was so slow and weak, that I no longer feel the intense emotions that were plagueing me on a daily basis. Gone are the random outbursts of anger and violent rage, the fear and hopelessness that would oftentimes consume me. Even seems like my social anxiety has been reduced greatly. But in a sense, its not that I feel a sense of joy or happiness that has taken over the negative emotions, but its more of a contentment mixed with some form of apathy. Even though I've written countless times about my situation with my ex in the last couple years, and even recently admitting that I was starting to get over it.... it wasn't until this week that I've come to accept the outcome. And accept a true sense of closure, but not only with the relationship, but life in general.
I feel like I've been almost "dumbed" down to the point where any emotions I feel are very subtle and passive. I can only hope that what has happened to me, isn't just a phase, but something permanent.... that the whole experience wasn't some form of spritual enlightenment or awakening, since that would just be something I could outgrow easily. Rather, I hope what happened to me was entirely biological, and that I've suffered brain damage, hopefully irreversable, to the point where I'll never have to return to the hell that was raging inside my head since I was a child.
I seemed to have lost a great deal of passion for the few things in life that kept me going. Like the death metal and black metal music that I used as a crutch to get through life, and as an outlet for all the repressed anger and hatred I kept constantly buried deep down inside me. Now whenever I listen to the same heavy and agressive music that I once loved, I can no longer feel the intense emotions it used to invoke inside me.
Even my desire to do drugs and alcohol are no longer there. Simply because there seems to be nothing left for me to try "escape" from. No real need to cope, when theres nothing there anymore to have to cope with. The spiritual and emotional warfare that was constantly going on inside me seems to have dissipated.
Fact is, living life was just too hard. Now, simply "existing" is at least tolerable.
I think I've finally achieved emptiness, and can live the rest of my life under the age-old addage of "ignorance is bliss."
My favorite quotes that I heard years ago that I'll never forget, seems to have defined me as a person now...
"It is only after you've lost everything that you're free to do anything."
"Only after complete destruction can we be resurrected."
"Losing all hope is freedom"
oh and PS: fuck all you grammar nazis
