I guess since its the end of the year this is the perfect time to reflect back on all that has changed over the past 12 months. It is important to note that it's only significant because nothing has changed in so long 12 months ago I expected nothing to change again. How wrong I was...
I am not trying to write some massive thing outlining how everything is different as I want to keep this brief. Not sure why I am assuming no one will read it anyway because it seems like self serving garbage for a beginning.
Exactly one year ago I was just getting to 90mg of methadone on a program having relapsed after a year off suboxone. It was a short lived 4 month long IV heroin thing that got out of hand surprisingly fast. This was my first time on methadone and I was getting Sunday take homes and I had been supporting my girlfriend's addiction for a long time as we discovered opiates together and had something before any opiates, I wanted to save that and her so it meant waiting for her to want to get clean. Relationships fail because people think you can force a partner to quit or whatever so i supported her for the majority of her 3 year heroin addiction. She quit her job literally right before we got into heroin and I got a much better job so in a sense that timing was good lol.
But yeah so for 3 years the cycle was the same because suboxone made her sick, like really sick she tried to tough it out for 2 weeks taking lower and higher doses but she would have adverse reactions and couldn't stand it. So it happens that my Sunday take home was the only thing holding her for 2 out of the 7 days of the week due to financial reasons and she decided to get on the program. She decided too and I took her down so she would be comfortable. They review her prescriptions and say they probably can't take her because of benzodiazepines she had been taking for 3 years by her doctor and actually went from 40mg of valium a day to 10mg when they saw her. But they took her.
That was 11 months ago... today is day 3 for her at 0mg of methadone and my 4th on 20mg from 25. Since that day so much has changed from her self view and confidence. Because we no longer buy heroin I have a car and she a laptop (both by our means not each other's) And above all else we both have a strange clarity and maturity that we didn't have before.
It's almost like I am more me then I have ever been. I feel like drugs have always been clouding me and distracting me. If it wasn't my heroin it was hers or the crack making me edgy or even just the desire for either took away from who I am. I never noticed it before but it's like now I have something I never had even though I had the illusion of it, time and focus. The odd thing is I never felt this way while I was clean the last time but then again nothing had changed before, now it has.
By this time next year I hope to be a full 9 months off methadone. I plan to go from 20 to 0 over the next 3 months. I think in 2 years I can go back to college knowing more then I left with in my field of study. I think in 5 years I can achieve a lot of personal goals that I didn't know I had even a year ago. I think this time it's for real and as much as I go "oh man time I can't wait for more time to pass I bet I will do *this* i wish it will go by faster" and for once I can honestly say because I am trying and I can say it probably will. It sucks because future goals mean getting older and I'm getting to the age where I don't like that
(I'm.not even that old)
It's hard to word but I always felt I could do a lot but stuff gets in the way stuff is why I couldn't keep going to school forever and heroin was the stuff that I thought really ruined my life. I still felt I was worth something but feared I could never be the person I should have been because I made a mistake.
Maybe it was all meant to be because as things continue to move forward maybe somehow the focus I may have never noticed and never had in college would never have come to be. Maybe it will be easier the second time around because of it. And if not I am still thankful because I had all but given up a year ago.
Now I get to go fuck all of you that asked if I really thought it was going to work, if I really thought she wasn't using me or if I really thought this could work. It did and I was right. I knew what I was doing and it was what was right for the situation. *No one here but as you can imagine people shared their opinion of my situation to me more then a few times* Believe me I have a long list of "I told you so"'s I will one day read aloud from a podium but the first one is Disney world with the girl who one said "how can you say that will ever be us"
I am not trying to write some massive thing outlining how everything is different as I want to keep this brief. Not sure why I am assuming no one will read it anyway because it seems like self serving garbage for a beginning.
Exactly one year ago I was just getting to 90mg of methadone on a program having relapsed after a year off suboxone. It was a short lived 4 month long IV heroin thing that got out of hand surprisingly fast. This was my first time on methadone and I was getting Sunday take homes and I had been supporting my girlfriend's addiction for a long time as we discovered opiates together and had something before any opiates, I wanted to save that and her so it meant waiting for her to want to get clean. Relationships fail because people think you can force a partner to quit or whatever so i supported her for the majority of her 3 year heroin addiction. She quit her job literally right before we got into heroin and I got a much better job so in a sense that timing was good lol.
But yeah so for 3 years the cycle was the same because suboxone made her sick, like really sick she tried to tough it out for 2 weeks taking lower and higher doses but she would have adverse reactions and couldn't stand it. So it happens that my Sunday take home was the only thing holding her for 2 out of the 7 days of the week due to financial reasons and she decided to get on the program. She decided too and I took her down so she would be comfortable. They review her prescriptions and say they probably can't take her because of benzodiazepines she had been taking for 3 years by her doctor and actually went from 40mg of valium a day to 10mg when they saw her. But they took her.
That was 11 months ago... today is day 3 for her at 0mg of methadone and my 4th on 20mg from 25. Since that day so much has changed from her self view and confidence. Because we no longer buy heroin I have a car and she a laptop (both by our means not each other's) And above all else we both have a strange clarity and maturity that we didn't have before.
It's almost like I am more me then I have ever been. I feel like drugs have always been clouding me and distracting me. If it wasn't my heroin it was hers or the crack making me edgy or even just the desire for either took away from who I am. I never noticed it before but it's like now I have something I never had even though I had the illusion of it, time and focus. The odd thing is I never felt this way while I was clean the last time but then again nothing had changed before, now it has.
By this time next year I hope to be a full 9 months off methadone. I plan to go from 20 to 0 over the next 3 months. I think in 2 years I can go back to college knowing more then I left with in my field of study. I think in 5 years I can achieve a lot of personal goals that I didn't know I had even a year ago. I think this time it's for real and as much as I go "oh man time I can't wait for more time to pass I bet I will do *this* i wish it will go by faster" and for once I can honestly say because I am trying and I can say it probably will. It sucks because future goals mean getting older and I'm getting to the age where I don't like that
(I'm.not even that old)It's hard to word but I always felt I could do a lot but stuff gets in the way stuff is why I couldn't keep going to school forever and heroin was the stuff that I thought really ruined my life. I still felt I was worth something but feared I could never be the person I should have been because I made a mistake.
Maybe it was all meant to be because as things continue to move forward maybe somehow the focus I may have never noticed and never had in college would never have come to be. Maybe it will be easier the second time around because of it. And if not I am still thankful because I had all but given up a year ago.
Now I get to go fuck all of you that asked if I really thought it was going to work, if I really thought she wasn't using me or if I really thought this could work. It did and I was right. I knew what I was doing and it was what was right for the situation. *No one here but as you can imagine people shared their opinion of my situation to me more then a few times* Believe me I have a long list of "I told you so"'s I will one day read aloud from a podium but the first one is Disney world with the girl who one said "how can you say that will ever be us"