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[dixon99]

Hi everyone. So I've been sober for about 15 months. Alcohol was what I used. I would binge drink a couple times a week and drink in moderation at other times. It was my stress relief in this crazy world. Ive never been particularly happy with my career/job choice...marriage and family life can be challenging at times. Alcohol was my escape. I had others - I'm big into the outdoors and survivalism...but even when I was out doing stuff, drinking was usually involved.

Several years ago I used oxycodone/percocet also. I was taking 90mg a day for almost a year. I stopped that using suboxone...which I stayed on for about a year and a half. I had basically no withdrawal from either (outside of the few hours from stopping oxy and starting suboxone) so I'm not left with a "Bad memory" of my pain pill use. In fact, I was pretty happy and zen those couple years. And I have a legit injury, so I got them as a prescription and was taking as prescribed.

Having been 15 months without a real escape - I go through these times where I want to go back to using. It would be hard for me to go back to binge drinking so my mind jumps to oxy. Although, if I was to do that I would definitly lose my wife and break up my family. So I'm trying not to.

Once you go down that road of drugs and alcohol...does it ever get easier? I do see a therapist weekly. She helps. I know its my life I need to change - things in my life. But at this point (I'm 40) with a family and bills and all...it seems daunting to make those life changes. It seems much easier to just use again. Sometimes I wish I didnt know the relief (temporary or not) that alcohol and/or opiates bring for anxiety/depression. I guess I'm just looking for anyone thats been through something similiar in being sober after years of "escaping". I know the "right" choice is to change my life and embrace/gratitude...somedays I just want that escape. You know? Even just a weekend.

 

[ladyhlove]

Yes but will the addict in you just keep it to one weekend?

I know I couldn't.

Be glad you could quit without that negative of an experience and leave it there. It wont be as easy next time. Trust me, I've quit for weeks-months at a time before relatively painlessly but always kept coming back. When pills got too expensive I started snorting H (and believe me for years, even when on pills, I always SWORE i'd never do) which could make it so I could be super high all day everyday for 8 months. Now I'm on my first week of subs and I'm still pretty sick even on a high mg because my habit was so bad at the end. Hoping I'll adjust soon.

Don't be like me! If you've quit, stay done with it! No good comes from this life.

 

[dixon99]

hi ladyhlove! thank you for responding. I am sorry for the troubles you have had with this shit. I know it sucks! Hopefully the subs start helping you and making you feel better. I wasnt on H, but Subs worked well for me and were pretty easy to taper off of slowly.

i'm sure you are right - i wouldnt stick to one weekend. I know that deep down. I'm trying. somedays are better than others...some weeks are better than others. I know I need to make some changes in my life if I want to stay sober and on the straight edge life. As I said, it just feels easier to escape again rather than make those changes. but I'm trying. my life hasnt been really what I wanted to be for a long time, oxy and alcohol made me not care and just live life to the fullest anyway. So now 15 months without that escape, I'm seeing the really hard part of that. I didnt think it would still be a "thought" being sober 15 months...but it is. probably because realistically, I havent changed much.

 

[herbavore]

It is daunting to create the life you want. Just keep encouraging yourself--the exact way you would encourage one of your kids to learn a new thing--expecting and accepting failures along the way as opportunities to learn and understand more clearly. It's a process that you will be engaged in forever once you take it on but its a hell of a lot better than living a life of resentment and feelings of powerlessness and stagnation.

Be patient with your changes--they are going to be subtle and possibly maddeningly slow. Again, even the process of confronting something in yourself, even when you see no change or solution, you are making changes. You are laying the foundation for a different way of coping. It won't feel easier in the beginning, quite the opposite. But like working a muscle you will not see the incremental changes until enough of those are made and at last you see the obvious change. How can we expect our complex and habituated minds to flip into something new when we know the work it takes to change a simple muscle?

You are doing great. Just keep the focus on the process.

 

[Dresden]

The steps will work if you work them with an open mind and a guide, or sponsor. When the student is ready, the teacher will come.
Asking for help is good.

"Work it motherfucker!!!"--Bad Boy Bill, Bangin da Box, vol 3.

"Back once again with the Renegade Master, Renegade Master, Renegade Master.
With the ILL behavior, with the ILL behavior, with the ILL behavior.
Power to the, power to the, power to the people and the Renegade master."--ibid.

"License to ILL"--The Beastie Boys

Eat me.