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Support and Positivity about addiction and Mental Illness

fivelinefury

fivelinefury

Bluelighter
Joined
Mar 25, 2006
Messages
1,171
Location
Melbourne, AUSTRALIA
Hi All (please excuse/move this thead moderators if under the wrong area).

A very few of you may know/have read some of my posts. I am a recovering addict who still struggles with depression and anxiety everyday and would like to create a place for everyone to communicate openly if they are struggling with Sobriety, or working towards getting sober from Substances & Alcohol. I think this should be an open thread to speak about anything, whether you are using/drinking or overcoming addiction and abuse of any drug, but to keep as positive as possible for everyone.

I am lately resorting more to alcohol than other substances in the past and have been struggling with this for the past 6 years, and right now, more sober than I ever have been am finding it extremely hard.

I would like this to be a thread for all who feel the same way to come together and chat to feel better. I suffer from extreme anxiety and depression and want to make others feel that they are not alone, and I really hope to feel better myself one day.

But yeah, I don't want this to be a complete "don't tell anyone if you're high/drunk", because that is the reality of what happens.

Anyone who feels the same, feel free to express how you are feeling or what you are up to and try to move more positive.

<3 FLF
 
You know, we used to do a monthly thread similar to this idea- Which is a great idea btw ;)
(OctSOBER, NOvember, etc.)
I'm not suggesting we rename this a month thing but maybe renaming it would bring more attn to it- b/c by the title it is hard to understand where it is going..........

Onto the actual thread, you said your biggest struggle is alcohol and that you are "more sober" than you have ever been.....How much are you drinking now? How have you gotten to the point you are now? (Meaning, any tricks to share on how to slow down?)
Have you read through our Alcoholism thread? You might find some good info there as well.

Your anxiety/depression - Is this self diagnosis or have you/are you seeing a Psychiatric Dr. who is helping you? Are you on any medications?
I suffer from Anxiety. I have GAD and Panic Disorder. I find, as silly as it is, deep breathing REALLY helps. Sometimes there are triggers, like driving on the Highway , and in those situations when I feel a panic attack coming or I am even just getting super anxious, I do deep breathing and it helps- I'm not saying it is a magical cure and I feel 100% better ;) But it helps........
I've been seeing a therapist since the beginning of the year and we have tried a few things that have been beneficial, like doing cleansings (like spiritual cleansings), and groundings - which for me is exactly what I need, though I don't do it nearly as often as I should. ;)
It is basically a lot of visualization and sound and breathing therapy.
 
^^Hey ocean
The very ironic thing about the start of this thread is that I actually forgot all about ever starting it, due to alcohol a couple of nights ago. I'm not an Alcoholic but have gone back to binge drinking 3-4 nights a week. I've started seeing a Psychiatrist recently and have been undergoing drug/alc counselling for about 8 months, and have just recently been put onto my 3rd anti-depressant to try and help conquer my GAD and depression. I've been stablised on 15mg diazepam for about 2 months now, after 6 years of extreme benzo addiction and abuse. I'm pretty sure for me, the reason why i've been struggling so bad for so long with anxiety/depression is due to previous benzo/some different substance use, and still don't feel like my brain is back to "normal".
 
Hey, this thread is a good idea! I've been taking drugs of one form or another for at least ten years, often as a way to "self medicate" my mental health issues. I'm diagnosed with borderline personality disorder with major depressive episodes. I'm also in the early stages of recovery from a heavy 3-year crystal meth addiction, and my mental illness makes getting clean much more of a struggle. I'm so uncertain of my future and whether or not I'll ever be able to have a "normal" life. Hell, I can't even hold down a job or go to university (I had to drop out during my second year of study due to depression and drug problems).
 
As usual my Internet connection cancelled my huge reply :(
That's how things go ... put all your effort into it for zero result :\

I am very grateful for threads like this, which was the summary of my first-attempted post.
I don't have any of the things normally found in recent TDS posts: a chemical-dependency problem, psychiatric medications/consultations, or support groups. For various personal/ideological reasons, the latter are things I am absolutely incapable of ever having again.
Granted I only suffer from superficial suicidal depression and minor addictions, mere crumbs in the bread-basket of Bluelight's dysfunctions. The standard-fare repression hasn't helped me in the long-run, though.

Much like you OP, my alcohol intake increases inversely to my drug consumption. Rather than a drug of choice, its a last-resort. One that, thanks to our ridiculous society, is nearly impossible to avoid.
Thankfully I've been drier in recent months than perhaps any time since I was still a minor.
Hate the feeling, can't stand waking up groggy or feeling dehydrated.

Currently trying to abstain from cannabis once more. This has been my drug of choice for years now; while its anti-depressant effects have long been appreciated, its deleterious effects on my motor skills / elements of my health (physical + mental) make its overall contribution to my well-being a draw at best.

Due to some unknown equation containing elements of my personality abnormalities, my drug/alcohol abuse, and invisible karma/discrimination, I've found my lobster ass in a boiling pot at my place of employment this year. Not the place to be with a massive debt over one's head (something else I firmly do not believe in. Gotta love respecting one's own Kantian principles ...)
As such I'm hoping I can convince myself of my own lies this time, and quit drugs / "buy in" by choice for once.
Doubtful, given my propensity for instability.

I "trust no one," as the sage advice goes, but also know I absolutely cannot trust myself.
Guess that leaves my life to the winds of fate.
 
SilverFeniks said:
As usual my Internet connection cancelled my huge reply
Click to expand...
If you are experiencing being logged out when you go to post the solution is usually to check 'remember me" when you log on. If your internet connection is unstable it might help to compose posts on wordpad or the like and paste them into BL posts. Sorry, I know how frustrating it can be to lose a post.

On addiction and Mental Illness :I have an OK relationship with the current psychiatrist. I use my meds PRN and though I am often a whack job. PRN seems the best choice as far as having some relief from mental problems and minimizing bad effects from the meds.

Recreational usage of drugs is often on the verge of going out of control but it is often a non-issue for weeks at a time. I think about support groups or therapy once in a while but so far haven't had enough momentum on the topic to follow through. At least not in years.

I'm doing OK.
 
^^
Yeah Sweet P, my drug use has always been to self medicate, which is prolly why the abuse/addiction of pharms has always been my problem as opposed to illicits. I've been lucky enough to have used meth only twice in about the last year and thats all I have used in 2 years outside of using pharms. I'm just always trying to stay clean as much and for as long as I can, and so far lately have been doing better. I just know that I can't trust myself though because I try to go as long as possible and feel more and more depressed (eventhough i'm more normal/sober), but then i'll always possibly start using more again to feel better, but only to find myself having to get "normal/sober" and depressed again. If that makes sense.

^^SilverFeniks
Eventhough I've always enjoyed probably a little too much to drink, as I sorta said Alcohol has pretty much always been a last resort for me too. Nothing worse than waking up too often with that dehydrated fucked up feeling.

Anyways, off to a followup psych appointment tomorrow. Hoping to go well
 
I had a follow up appointment with my new psychiatrist today. He has also diagnosed me with Depression, GAD and along with Social Phobia, considering how much worse my anxiety has become over the past few months. I spent an hour in the waiting room with my heart racing, sweating, going insane, etc as usual. He wants me to start tapering off my daily 15mg diazepam in a months time (which doesn't really bother me at all anymore) since my anxiety doesn't respond to benzos and antidepressants. He wants me to undergo CBT since this is the case. Has anyone tried CBT, or know how well it can work? I'm guessing it is something that you have to be willing and beleive it will help for it to work? There isn't really much more I can do right now, and I want to try and stop drinking too much and using opiates (like I am now) along with my proper meds to overcome this one day, if possible.
 
^ Yeah, I've done CBT (cognitive behaviour therapy) in the past to treat my anxiety and depression. It helped a lot with the anxiety, but it didn't really do much for the depression. CBT is about recognising your thoughts, emotions and behaviour - and learning how they all interact with each other. I'm now doing DBT (dialectical behaviour therapy) which is more geared towards my borderline personality disorder.
 
I was looking for a thread like this thanks OP.

As for the behavior aspect of things I'm bipolar and I have a low level of paranoid Schizophrenia where I have delusions and hallucianations about things going on around me. Like the most common one is my house being on fire or someone dying nearby. I don't see my psych anymore but talk to him on the phone on a weekly basis.

I had to move away from my friends and family to get clean from the massive amounts of benzos, anti-depressants, sleeping pills and speed balls I was doing. Now I sit out in the woods pretty much alone except for my dog and my boss on occasion. Pretty much I was starting to really lose it there for a min until I started posting more on BL. It's scary to get deep into your head when your alone when you have been oppressing fears and sadness with loads of chemicals. And being able to talk with people that know what its like to truly be crazy is an amazing thing... nothing helps me more.

Everyday it seems like a constant struggle to stick with it and not just completely throw it all away and go back to the safe frozen state I once knew. I mean it defintely gets better week by week month by month but as of late it seems like the itch is increasing for some reason. Maybe its cause I have to go home for my brother's wedding idk...

Anyways FLF sounds like the CBT will be a good thing to try and I hope it works for you. Also, does drinking make you depressed as well? When I was an alcoholic I was more depressed than I had ever been in my life I made two attempts in one year.
 
^Yup thats exactly right about talking to people who understand and who you feel comfortable with, whether it be face to face, over the phone, internet, etc. It helps me shitloads.

I have had a few manic episodes and have self harmed a few times over the past couple of years, but was told fortunately that i'm not bipolar due to the frequency between and the short length of my episodes. Hopefully this never gets worse for me.

I do struggle more with depression with drinking at times. Its shithouse when I do. I think its caused by me drinking alone and depends on what frame of mind i'm in at the time.
 
I respect all the hard work you folks are doing to right yourselves. It is amazing to see people trying to grapple with the shit in their heads. I'm not doing that. It is incredible to watch though.
 
I think i'm starting to become dependant on codeine. For a few weeks I was having around 200mg 2-4 nights a week, and now the past week i'm having it day and night. I had around 300mg all up yesterday/last night and at 10.00 thismorning I had to have 150mg to feel like doing anything. Just cos i'm on fuck all benzos anymore I have to replace them with other things like more alcohol and opiates and its worrying me a bit. I have never actually been through codeine withdrawal before. Can anyone tell me how bad it can be, say compared to diazepam withdrawal? (just in case I end up in this situation).
 
^ I've heard of some people getting so addicted to codeine that they needed to be put on methadone, so try to be careful with how much you're taking! Try to have some days without it if you can. Opiate withdrawals are quite different to benzo withdrawals - they are both physical withdrawals, but the withdrawal symptoms themselves tend to differ. I've noticed that as my diazepam gets tapered down, I've been drinking more alcohol to compensate. Not huge amounts, but definitely more than usual.
 
^ Yeah hun, i've been drinking more to compensate along the way with diazepam tapering too and still seem to be drinking too much despite the fact I have a sore throat/head cold, but at least I know I can always have periods of cutting my drinking right down no problem. Thanks for the codeine warning! Since I have a splitting headache with this cold, what did I do, goto the chemist and get another 360mg codeine. I also relapsed with my diazepam for the first time in weeks today and have taken 45mg instead of my usual 15mg. I think all I can put my relapse and heavy use of codeine down to lately is probably mainly cos i've only been on Zoloft for about 2 weeks and am not fully getting its effects. So I will certainly take yur advice and take a break from the codeine soon. I vaguely remember going through Tramadol withdrawal a couple of years ago (eventhough it isn't sorta a "real" opiate), but I just remember bad headaches and flu symtoms from that.
 
Saw my Drug/Alc counsellor today and told her i've been told to get reffered to do CBT. Told her I was stuborn and unsure about doing it, but she told me that like 95 percent of her clients have anxiety problems and that she has seen great results in people from CBT and is glad that i'm going to do it. She loves me. Today she asked how old I was and said how much of a "nice bloke" I apparently am and said "god you're young enough to be my son. haha

She also asked me for the first time if I am scared/anxious of oneday even everything being perfect and feeling fine (along those lines). And the truth is that I am. I wasn't really sure if this was normal, but yeah I suppose after years and years of anxiety/depression, living off drugs/meds, I am scared if I ever reach a more normal life. I still don't know if this will happen but since I know nothing different, i'm actually scared as all fuck about the possibility of succeeding.
 
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Yesterday my doctor put a heap more stuff on my certificate for Centrelink, due to more diagnosis from my psychiatrist, which is good cos I need money bad since not working!
 
^ Hrm yeah same ere with some of that, plus mostly with benzos. Most sober I have been for ages the past couple of weeks (cept for drinking right now) :). I'm extremely happy about this but since i'm extremely bored and depressed most of the time i'll go back sometime soon. Already made my mind up to do so 8) hmm
 
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