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Sunshine

Squirt

Squirt

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Apr 13, 2000
Messages
2,899
i just opened the blinds in my room, and let the sunshine flood my room, bathing every poster and picture on the wall, every book on the shelf, the sheets on the bed... suddenly, everything seems clearer outside this fractional body of mine. unfortunately, the warming light doesn't do much for me inside. it doesn't touch my brain, or my heart, where i need it the most. i need it to do something with the sickening, gut-wrenching feeling that's been the instigator of these blackened streams of tears. maybe i just need to bang my head against a brick wall -- it's what i've been doing with the rest of my body for the past twenty years; why not isolate one body part instead of injuring my entire self?
you know the feeling you get when someone punches you in the stomach, but you like it? or when someone tries to do something nice for you, but you hate it? and that feeling when you want to tear all your hair out, handful by handful, because just maybe a few thousand of the thoughts that are buzzing about your head right now might seep out the holes left by the missing hair? what about when you just want to cry, to let go of some of the emotions you're clinging to so desperately, and you just can't? you can't even make yourself cry. you've tried thinking about horrible things that could happen to your family, or your friends, or your dog, and you've even tried hitting yourself, or insulting yourself in front of a mirror. but it just doesn't fucking work.
it's like i'm stuck in a ditch, maybe a crater, and i can't even see the top, much less begin to climb my way out of the slump in the ground. i've been in this crater before, multiple times, and i can't ever remember how i got out. nobody came and got me, and i didn't have the strength to do it on my own. maybe in the middle of a blink the whole world changed, and i was transported to some other realm of mindset, and my eyes opened, and i could see the sunshine splashing on my insides, shedding light on everything that was dark. how the hell do i make that happen again? i can't deal with fake sunshine. i'm tired of playing with fake sunshine. it's exhausting, and annoying, and i'm not going to do it anymore...
so i guess i'll just sit here, in my crater, looking inside myself into the void darkness, and wait...
 
Whenever I go through this I call it
the "going through motions of life but not feeling anything" stage.
I don't know how to say to get out of it, but have comfort knowing we all feel it sometimes and it goes away.
I bet you'll be smiling tommorow
Another thing that causes it is BOREDOM!
smile.gif
 
that was amazing, thanks for sharing your thoughts, i was feeling the same way and needed so much to express. You did it beautifully.
~lil
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"you will get this chance but once, don't let simple shit get you down"
therapy is expensive, poppin bubble wrap is cheap. you decide.
sn~ sparkleylily
 
Squirt, it seems odd to me that you feel dark inside because to me, you are sunshine
smile.gif
You do a great job of making me smile just when I need to. Happiness is just around the corner
smile.gif
 
Really though, in going through life you notice that those people that had the darkest moments are also those that experienced the brightest ones as well. You have to have that comparison for contrast or you will not know just how extremely great somthing could possibly be...and who wants to remain in the middle all the time?
fizzy, who really wishes she could hang with you again
smile.gif
 
Fizzy did say it just right.
smile.gif

"The events in our lives happen in a sequence in time, but in their significance to ourselves, they find their own order... the continuous thread of revelation."
--Eudora Welty
 
i know what you mean when you say that you want to cry but cant, cant even make yourself cry...
but trust me, there will come days when the tears fall and fall with no end, for no reason at all. so cherish the ones where your eyes are dry.
fake sunshine?... i have a lot of that in my life. but you know what... the real sunshine never goes away. it just gets cloudy sometimes. our heads get cloudy, it gets hard to think.
...so dont. go walk barefoot in the rain. take a long drive in your car with the windows down and your stereo blasting. sit outside late and night and wish on stars. sing in your shower. have a heart-to-heart with your cat or dog, they're always willing to listen and they never argue with what you have to say... they even like to be cried on and hugged sometimes.
let the child inside you loose. it gets easier to cry. it really does.
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E-girl
IM: tiggersgurl2067
"There's a part of me, that i forgot to be. Take a look and see, the light still shines in me." ~~ Milk, Inc.
 
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