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suitcases in the hall

EverythingsEventual

EverythingsEventual

Ex-Bluelighter
Joined
Oct 4, 2003
Messages
327
Location
The Boonies
So here I am again the eternal shifter
Feel ever so slightly dead inside
Standing here with tears in my eyes
One hand on my suitcase
I stand in the hall of the house
That I was brought up in as a child
As I walked through the door
The adult in me fell away on the ground
Left this small naked child
With nowhere to go
Standing
Suitcases in the hall
Tears in eyes
Fear in heart
Uncertainty falls.
 
i had to read this poem a few times. but it seems like the top portion doesnt fit with the bottom. Also, as a poet, i never liked the word "tears" im sure you could use a different emotion word to describe what you were feeling when you wrote this.
 
I really liked this one - I could picture it perfectly, I have to disagree with Meesh - the use of 'tears' here works - especially the the last verses.
 
Thanks :)

The reason I used the word 'tears' is because... well... that's what they were. I could have called them 'crystal waters of pain' or something but that'd be pretentious in the context of the poem, and the whole point of the poem is that it is me, stripped to the bare skin.

Hope that clarifies?

Thanks for the feedback though! :)
 
Meesh i had to read this poem a few times. but it seems like the top portion doesnt fit with the bottom. Also, as a poet, i never liked the word "tears" im sure you could use a different emotion word to describe what you were feeling when you wrote this
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I have to disagree with that 100%. As a poet, maybe EverythingsEventual likes to use the word 'tears'.

EE: I think this was very well written and fits together perfectly. You captured a moment that I've been at before, and if I were to write about that moment, I wouldn't have been able to capture it in words as you did.
Nice job.
 
^^^ i like it as is. "tears" itself can often seem a pretentious term (for the very images it must immediately conjures), but here i actually think it feels natural, and fits with the rest.

i like the words, and i like the way it tapers at the end too :)
 
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