Suicide

[Sadie]

I need this right now so I'm making a thread. I'm sure there have many like this before. THIS IS MINE!


My word today is...
Helpless.

I've just found out about a suicide in my family. My beautiful Nephew. My support network is sleeping. I've already woken him up when he has a very long day ahead of him. I don't know what to do with myself. Talking about it doesn't seem to help yet that's all I can do. I'm so torn up! I just really want to vent. I don't know how to make this pain go away! I don't know what to do with myself. It hurts so damn much! So many questions! Why didn't he speak to me? To any family>> I can't even be there for my family as I live thousands of miles away. I'm in so much pain right now!

He may be free of pain but has left us all with a life time of hurt! I cannot stop asking "why". I can't deal with this! The pain is crippling.

This is what people who take their lives in their own hands leave in their wake! grief beyond comprehension!

 

[Allein]

I'm so sorry for your loss

I can only offer you my own perspective on being suicidal, it was something I struggled with for sometime and knew how it would be done in some detail, I would being being dishonest of I said I didnt still have those thoughts from time to time but I havent felt in danger for a good while.

Most of the people around me had no idea how ill I had become until a had to be admitted into secure care, although my wife knew I was seriously unwell I shielded her from the full darkness. Almost everyone else I spoke to about this time said they had no idea I was unwell, all of my pain was internalised.

For me suicide had just become a logical option and in the end the only viable one I could see. I felt like I had fallen into a deep dark well. I kept falling thinking I would hit the bottom and start making my way out but I kept falling. I lost sight if the light, it was so dark and there seemed to be but one option to leave that place. No one could have persuaded me differently, it was the most personnel point of view.

In the end I somehow managed to go to a GP who luckily recognized I was falling apart, I still fell apart but the extent of my illness was now something I couldnt hide from myself and others.

I appreciate I can only speak for myself but from my point of view my motivations and resolve to end things in that way were not as most people would think they were, it was simply ( in my mind ) the only logical step. There was only one person left, me, I had become totally isolated and disconnected and the only person that could reach out to that lonely person was me.

It is so very sad when a persons life is ended by mental illness but it isnt something that should have blame apportioned to it anymore that cancer.

I hope they are now at peace, I am not a person of faith as such but I do believe that when we move on from this world we leave all it's sadness and pain behind

 

[Sadie]

That's the thing though Ali, I had hands to pull him up, I had a voice that could at the very least cause pause!He was my boy! I have been known to be there for so many yet he never turned to me! He dealt with this on his own in the worst way possible!

He could have come to me! How the fuck is it that I seem to be there for everyone else and yet my own baby boy, my gorgeous nephew didn't come to me! It honestly feels like my heart has been ripped out of my chest!

I just want him back! I want him back! I want this to not be real!

 

[Allein]

I almost left my partner of 20+ years and 2 children

I barley spoke to anyone about my problems before that breakdown, my partner knew I wasnt well as i was drinking a bottle of scotch a day but she had no idea of the troible I was in and in truth I had lost all reference points.

I honestly believe that the only way you could of helped is if he reached out to you and acknowledged that this course of action wasnt what he wanted, I never told anyone other than a couple of doctors about the extent of my intentions until I had moved away from that place.

I'm sure some people would have been broken if I had checked out but it would have been in anyway their fault either by action or inaction, in many ways our life is the one thing that truly is within our control. I'm sure he gained comfort from knowing your love for him and would be devastated by the pain you now find yourself in.

I lost a dear friend to cancer recently, she was only 47 and had 2 children, I'm trying to cherish the memories of days gone by and the life she had but it will take time to deal with the grief, love to U

 

[Sadie]

I don't know what to say to you Ali, I'm not in a right state of mind. I've been up all night.

I want to say that I'm mad at you but I'm not. What you could have possibly lost! I'm so very glad you stuck around. What a beautiful world this is. So curious!

I'm so tired and exhausted! I knew this was going to hit me. Sham tried to stay up with me last night and I sent him to bed. I was still numb. Called him at 5am and I couldn't breathe! The pain others leave behind is immense! I'm always so in control and I can't breathe!

Why is it that everyone under the sun comes to me for a paw, I've always got a hand to hold yet my own fucking nephew doesn't come to me! The pain is so unbearable! I do know if he'd wanted help he'd have asked or reached out but to me that makes no sense nor difference now!

Ali, never leave those kids behind! If you ever need an ear I hear mine are excellent to bend! Just wish someone had told my nephew that! Honestly, I really just need a hug right now! I need to hold on tight and bury myself into a massive cuddle!

 

[herbavore]

Sadie, I understand most your words "I WANT HIM BACK. I WANT HIM BACK." It has been four years since my son died--how intentionally we will never really know--and still there are days I have to pull my car to the side of the road and scream those words into the air.

My only advice is this: let yourself feel all of it, no matter how terrifying, no matter how painful. You have to sink into the layers of grief though it may feel like you are drowning. It is the only way. Eventually you come to understand that you are also rising through them. Support each family member in their own ways of grieving and respect your own as well. This is new and raw and terrible. The questions just keep coming at you. Let them come but know you cannot answer them.

The only solace is the love you shared. It is real. It is more real than death, though it may not feel that way now. Keep your love alive. Avoid blame, avoid answers or theories or intellectualizing. A precious life, a boy beloved, has been extinguished and all you can do in the terrible finality of that loss is to focus on the love you still feel for him, for who he was while he walked this earth, for the love he himself created in all of your hearts the moment he was born.

PM me any time you need to. There is no need to rush down this road. It's long, it changes, it doubles back and goes around unexpected curves. It can help to talk to fellow travelers.

 

[Allein]

I don't know what to say to you Ali

I'm sorry if you felt I needed a response, none was required or expected, I just wanted to try and share my perspective on that kind of acute illness.

I'm learning that there is no consoling the loss of loved ones, the grief never leaves us but it does change and become easier to carry. I have noted in both myself an others an anger when we lose someone before they reach a natural end through age and more so when it is due to a terminal illness.

I guess we all feel there should be some kind of tangible justice in life, I do not believe such a thing is in place. The value or our lives isnt measured in years and it is my belief that the end of this life completes a cycle and we all make our way home

Life is so unimaginably cruel from a human perspective, we seem to have to trade this opportunity to consciously experience time and space for the pain of losing our loved ones in the inevitable cycle of human birth and death.

I have no words of wisdom or comfort but my love goes out to you

 

[Phil.McKeer]

We all grieve with you, Sadie.

I am somewhat young so until recently I didn't have to deal with the deaths of people close to me. Last year, my best friend's little brother died of a heroin overdose. He was like my own little brother (I had known him since he was 10 and he died at 25).

I myself have been wrestling with depression and suicidal ideation for the last 5 years. Not a single day goes by that I don't think about ending it (not that I will - my parents are still alive and I'm acutely aware of the devastating impact such an act would have on them). It just makes sense to some people at some points in their lives, whether or not it is ultimately logical.

All I can say is that your nephew would have reached out if he wanted help. His decision was final. It is very unfortunate but it is what it is.

Try to celebrate his life and the joy and happiness you shared together and try not to assign blame or bear resentment.

We grieve with you. Use us as your support group and seek out love and support wherever it can be found.

 

[Sadie]

Ali and Herb thank you. your words mean more than you could ever know! Herb, you were actually mentioned by a fellow BL'er on FB today as being someone to turn to as you seem to be very good at bereavement

I'm not as raw thank you all for your kind words. I've gone through this before. Was hoping it was the last time.

What really pisses me off is the amount of times I've been that buffer, I'm the one that has kept them alive. He never turned to me!

I love each life that I've helped. I truly do but has my own family forsaken me?

I was sent home from work today and given holiday for tomorrow. Think I need it.


My family are wanting so much of me. Got told today that I seem to be the agony aunt, who was my agony aunt. Errrrmm, she died. Worst question ever!

 

[Cliffy78]

This world is truly fucked! Sry for your loss Sadie...

 

[Sadie]

I hate to say this but this world is amazing and full of love.

I know I have my own shit to deal with but the amazingly small things are what make it all worth while.