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Suicide thread, for assitance and support for all things related to suicide

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How much do you guys disclose to your therapists / counselors about your suicidal tendencies ? I talk about it but dude no way in fuck I'm gonna be saying how I've felt , everyday I wake up and it's part of me. I don't understand it anymore. It used to be a depression thing, now I get fucking depressed because of this. Keep on taking it one day at a time, but I am snapping, it's overwhelming to be thinking about this all the time :(. I honestly hate this shit so damn much.
 
How I feel today : not like being alive.

I'm sick, tired, strung out, have t buy yet another car after I bought this one 3 weeks ago cuz its a lemon, have errands to run but no time cuz I work so goddamn much that even my close friends have ceased to really talk to me or acknowledge that I exist & I don't blame them.I don't know who I am anymore. I feel like an entity floating along the factory I work at cuz its all I ever do, but I need the money. I have no choice there. I'm depressed, yes. But I gotta keep pushing myself. I'm at the point where I communicate by hand signals, cuz you can't hear in this goddamn factory anyway. If someone looks at me I feel either paranoid or hateful, angry. I can't say this to my closest friends cuz there is no point in bitching. Venting in text where no one knows me so I won't feel ashamed works better. It gets better...haha...
 
^ I know what you mean dude, I try to keep open to the people close to me but I feel like such a fucking burden. With suicide I feel like it's taboo , frowned upon and people don't seem to understand i DONT WANT to feel like this... i do but i fucking hate it. I've been keeping to myself way way more recently, trying to force myself to go out etc, socialize, not slip further down in depression also. Fuck man i hate it. And whenever it gets better, i know i'm a fuckin time bomb, i hate it with a deep passion.
 
Thanks dude. It seriously helps to know someone relates.

in order to work 70hrs a week now (or 12 days straight at 12 hrs a day, whaatever) I take my prescribed adderall more than I probably should. Gotta stay awake. I mix that w otc ephedrine stuff for asthma which makes it possible to breathe cuz I do have asthma..but I use them more as a substitute for addys when I can. Then I also drink caffeine...and thank god am rx'd beta blockers so I don't have to worry about my heart exploding. I feel like a time bomb. No one around me knows a lot about me. I keep my drug use a secret to all but one, a best friend that I work with. All my other friends I've lost touch with since I started working like this.they don't get it. They probably think I'm foolish for working so much. Before I would've. Stopped all the dumb drug combos but its alllegal, rx'd and I gotta do what I gotta do. Half the time I hope I accidently die from it. Then I wouldn't have to choose between life or suicide.
 
donnie080208 said:
@craigy I hate to say i know how you feel but i do , as much as anyone really can. I look at people going about their everyday life , work etc..and think to myself, how the fuck do you do it. Going to pick up methadone everyday, 5 Min's away from home is a nightmare. I too believe cannabis and particularly LSD, triggered many of my mental health probs in my teens. Ive become someone i used to think id never be, alone jobless, addicted and worst of all hope less.
I always swore id kill myself before i got this low, maybe i keep fucking up on purpose to give me the courage i have so far truly lacked. Somehow i didn't die Friday, no one found me i was just asleep, black out for nearly 48 hours.
Am i glad i lived, i dont know, im still a nervous wreck who's only feeling seems to be fear.
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I have been homeless before, but I got out of that lifestyle of heroin addiction, and I have since recovered. You can too! Life can be grim, but you can work on it. One step at a time.

Have you considered tapering off of methadone? Are you a pain patient that requires some form of pain relief to function or is this not the case? If it is the latter, I would consider tapering off of methadone.

I am so sorry to hear cannabis and LSD caused mental problems for you. Nonetheless, you can adapt positively to whatever changes you have mentally. What kind of issues, paranoia and anxiety type? You mention leaving the house for five minutes is a nightmare, are you experiencing agoraphobia?

brimz said:
every day i think about suicide, In some respects it's what keep me alive.
It's like i think "well i can always kill myself". I know this is not normal rational behaviour.
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Knowing you can do it, but you choose not to because you have some kind of ability to overlook the atrocities of life to find some sort of meaning or enjoyment, even if it's very hard to find, or if it's something that's an on-going process for you.

Focus on your locus of control, and try to keep yourself in a positive mindset.

n some benzo's ,which i'm addicted 2 anyway.
It's only under the influence of opiates that i get any real rel;eif from these constant feelings of anxiety , depression and mental pain.
This might sound like a cop out but it is geuinely true.
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Have you considered doing a benzo taper? If you take your time with it, it won't suck as much as some people have reported it to.

There are a lot of resources here, and remember, there are alternatives to anxiety relief when benzos aren't cutting it. There are anxiety medications that are less addictive (in a physical sense, like, having a seizure due to abrupt cessation - which must be very scary, I have never had one before) than benzos.

theartofwar said:
How much do you guys disclose to your therapists / counselors about your suicidal tendencies ? I talk about it but dude no way in fuck I'm gonna be saying how I've felt , everyday I wake up and it's part of me. I don't understand it anymore. It used to be a depression thing, now I get fucking depressed because of this. Keep on taking it one day at a time, but I am snapping, it's overwhelming to be thinking about this all the time :(. I honestly hate this shit so damn much.
Click to expand...

If you are afraid that you won't be allowed individual freedom outside of the therapy session because of what you will say, then here is how to receive treatment and still have free will after therapy.

Discuss the feelings you have had ("years ago") without implying directly or indirectly, that this is exactly how you feel now. If you say things like "...and now I am just trying to stay positive" - they won't think you're a threat to yourself now.

Let's face it, taking someone's will power away from them will only make them feel worse. And if there's a tendency of people to get "sent away" because they are trying to get help but not on an in-patient basis, then it will deter the people who need to go get help now, for the first time.

You are a great person TAoW, I just want to make sure that you don't end up feeling worse after meeting with a counselor or therapist. :)

zombiesarepeaceful said:
How I feel today : not like being alive.

I'm sick, tired, strung out, have t buy yet another car after I bought this one 3 weeks ago cuz its a lemon, have errands to run but no time cuz I work so goddamn much that even my close friends have ceased to really talk to me or acknowledge that I exist & I don't blame them.I don't know who I am anymore. I feel like an entity floating along the factory I work at cuz its all I ever do, but I need the money. I have no choice there. I'm depressed, yes. But I gotta keep pushing myself. I'm at the point where I communicate by hand signals, cuz you can't hear in this goddamn factory anyway. If someone looks at me I feel either paranoid or hateful, angry. I can't say this to my closest friends cuz there is no point in bitching. Venting in text where no one knows me so I won't feel ashamed works better. It gets better...haha...
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Aw no man! :( Sorry to hear about the lemon. Cars suck.

Maybe you should try to catch a ride to work with someone? Or is that really impossible? If so, I am sorry. Maybe if you pitched in a simple amount of gas money to the person with a car they would have the incentive to do it and that way you wouldn't have to put money into a car strictly to get to work and back?
 
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think I've lost all faith in this tricyclic crap they put me on.. I told them before that the 20 'traditional' pills I was on didn't do anything good. Rules out serotonin and NA for sure. Changing DA didn't do much either over all.. While the tricycs have turned the volume down so to say, the problems are still there, only now I get dizzy when I stand up and have reaquired that way of thinking about suicide how I did in HS durning my big attempt because of the way the crappy meds were warping my thought process. Thinking about offing myself has become trivial, and when the thoughts come they hit hard and fast, then fade just as quickly. That's dangerous.. when I had my big OD back in highschool I went into one of those phases and was in bed with a stomach full of pills as I came out of it and thought 'wait maybe I don't want to do this', just shrugged it off, curious if I would live or not but impartial either way.

Counsilor said she would mention benzos to my doc. I didn't think the school was allowed to prescribe those so I never persued the idea. They would be a hell of a lot more effective than this bullshit I'm trying to make the best of though.. Like just how many years to you have to be living in hell before you qualify for those? I hate the idea of putting myself on something so addictive and handing the controlls over to a pill, but it seems logical at this point. I would be able to stop drinking too w/o the fucked up wd's.. that would be nice

ok enough bluelighting, I gotta write a 4 page paper on homeo vs allo stasis. yay
 
Dragynfyr said:
I didn't think the school was allowed to prescribe those so I never persued the idea.
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Keep in mind, my xanax prescription came from the very same school...a different location, but the same school. So, there is a chance. It seems as if you have to take a daily med with them, but they can prescribe them. Good luck with that paper and whatever tests you have left this week!
 
I saw a neurologist today talked about the link between concussions and severe depression / suicidal tendencies. I never knew that their was as steep a link of percentage between people who had more than 5 concussions and suicide - the ability to control emotions all together can be really screwed up making it hard as hell. Especially he said in my case as I have ptsd, the emotions that go along with that can be real tough. Was really interesting, I've gotten to the point where I need some kind of idea why it's like this, having any information helps, i need help with it so fucking badly. Really am ashamed as fuck about it, still am not telling many people how bad it's gotten.
 
I still have. And am driving the car I bought....its just possible to fall thru the floor at any time cuz the frame is so rusted. Literally. My mechanic found me a car that I get tomorrow. I'm lucky I've been working this much so I can afford it. It wouldn't be possible to ride w anyone anyways...my best friend I work with has no car or license and I don't talk to anyone at work...plus people are unreliable.
 
<snip- Let's just say you find ways of releasing energy and focus elsewhere that helps, yeah? ;) This thread is a bit sensitive so we'd like to keep the posts here a little more tactful and productive>
 
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theartofwar said:
I saw a neurologist today talked about the link between concussions and severe depression / suicidal tendencies. I never knew that their was as steep a link of percentage between people who had more than 5 concussions and suicide - the ability to control emotions all together can be really screwed up making it hard as hell. Especially he said in my case as I have ptsd, the emotions that go along with that can be real tough. Was really interesting, I've gotten to the point where I need some kind of idea why it's like this, having any information helps, i need help with it so fucking badly. Really am ashamed as fuck about it, still am not telling many people how bad it's gotten.
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taow this is really good information to have man. You need to know and remember why these thoughts are occurring and that you can overcome them. Can you go back to this neurologist? What's the next step from here??
 
yeh n3o I'm going back for a more comprehensive cat scan - for now I'm waiting on insurance to clear (should here this morning) and I'm going to inpatient for some time. I can't live like this and it's risking my own health.

If I get any paperwork etc in regards to brain trauma and the link (which i asked him to get ie the study) I'll scan it and post.
 
Every day I think about putting a gun in my mouth and pulling the trigger.

Then I don't do it.

Some day I probably will

My problems frequently outweigh my ability to cope.

Even when things are good, its only a matter of time until they fall apart.

Relationships, friendships, my health...etc

I'm not feeling suicidal, but every day, I have the vision of scattering my brains across a wall

I wish it would stop

:(
 
This is exactly how I feel, good or bad days I still am fixated on suicide. I do not understand it anymore.
junglejuice said:
Every day I think about putting a gun in my mouth and pulling the trigger.

Then I don't do it.

Some day I probably will

My problems frequently outweigh my ability to cope.

Even when things are good, its only a matter of time until they fall apart.

Relationships, friendships, my health...etc

I'm not feeling suicidal, but every day, I have the vision of scattering my brains across a wall

I wish it would stop

:(
Click to expand...
 
Dragynfyr said:
think I've lost all faith in this tricyclic crap they put me on.. I told them before that the 20 'traditional' pills I was on didn't do anything good. Rules out serotonin and NA for sure. Changing DA didn't do much either over all.. While the tricycs have turned the volume down so to say, the problems are still there, only now I get dizzy when I stand up and have reaquired that way of thinking about suicide how I did in HS durning my big attempt because of the way the crappy meds were warping my thought process. Thinking about offing myself has become trivial, and when the thoughts come they hit hard and fast, then fade just as quickly. That's dangerous.. when I had my big OD back in highschool I went into one of those phases and was in bed with a stomach full of pills as I came out of it and thought 'wait maybe I don't want to do this', just shrugged it off, curious if I would live or not but impartial either way.

Counsilor said she would mention benzos to my doc. I didn't think the school was allowed to prescribe those so I never persued the idea. They would be a hell of a lot more effective than this bullshit I'm trying to make the best of though.. Like just how many years to you have to be living in hell before you qualify for those? I hate the idea of putting myself on something so addictive and handing the controlls over to a pill, but it seems logical at this point. I would be able to stop drinking too w/o the fucked up wd's.. that would be nice

ok enough bluelighting, I gotta write a 4 page paper on homeo vs allo stasis. yay
Click to expand...

Either you will find benzodiazepines addictive, or you won't. If you can manage to use them without using them every day, or forming a habit, then they should work well for you. Conversely, if you find them addictive, you may not find that they work well at all.

theartofwar said:
I saw a neurologist today talked about the link between concussions and severe depression / suicidal tendencies. I never knew that their was as steep a link of percentage between people who had more than 5 concussions and suicide - the ability to control emotions all together can be really screwed up making it hard as hell. Especially he said in my case as I have ptsd, the emotions that go along with that can be real tough. Was really interesting, I've gotten to the point where I need some kind of idea why it's like this, having any information helps, i need help with it so fucking badly. Really am ashamed as fuck about it, still am not telling many people how bad it's gotten.
Click to expand...

Don't feel bad man, we are all in this thing together. I haven't heard of a correlation like this either, I hope you look into it and I also hope that there is something they can do for you.
 
MDMA abuse which has resulted in me having severe sexual dysfunction at the age of 20 had me pondering about suicide today. Still trying and hoping thing will get better/change
 
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