Mental Health Suicide - pros and cons

[bit_pattern]

I've been depressed and angry all my life, ever since I can remember my life has been miserable. As a child I was subject to a lot of emotional abuse - I was alienated and isolated from the rest of my family by my father. All my childhood memories are of being miserable, crying and howling until I had a headache. As a result, I was a severely dysfunctional child, so I was bullied by my peers, the only way I ever learnt to stop it was by lashing out with anger and violence. I started smoking pot at 13 and was kicked out of school a year later, that was the last time I actually completed a year of study (1994). I wasted my teens smoking pot and not getting educated, my twenties I wasted doing meth and/or recovering from from meth. I've never had a relationship because I'm so dysfunctional and angry at the world. Now I'm 32 and I've wasted every opportunity to fix my problems, pretty much set my neural pathways in stone and can't see much hope for becoming a real person. I'm so, so sick of being so damaged, so depressed, so angry, and so abusive to the people I care about. I hate myself, I despise who I am and really don't think I want to keep going. And what's so great about life anyway? I feel the need to emote, shout into the wind so to speak, I've been using Bluelight for a long, long time now and I feel this is as good a place as any, I feel I know and trust the forum but am anonymous enough that I can do this without feeling like too much of an attention seeking wanker. So I want to do a pros-and-cons list to get my head around where I really want to go next.

PROS:

• I can't hurt anyone else
• Won't inadvertently bring another life into this world and pass on my shit onto another poor soul
• Won't grow old
• Won't die an sad, lonely, old man - rather a sad lonely young man - less suffering in the long run
• Won't die slow and painfully from some horrible lingering disease like cancer (it's something that runs in the family)
• Remove someone I hate from the world
• Life has been a litany of failures, am now too old to really make the changes necessary (education, career etc) to live the kind of life I want
• Incapable of having a relationship, again that window has closed, I've never leaned how to love so will be painfully lonely forever
• Stop feeling miserable

CONS

• Would devastate my family
• Things might get better (though any student of history would have to be highly pessimistic on this point)
• Death might be worse than life (this is the biggest point I think, I'm scared that it will be much, much worse)

So that's about it, even though the cons list is pretty small the first and last point weigh pretty heavily on me. I'm going to try and do something to help myself, I've had some temporary results on the depression with acupuncture in the past - so going to try that again next week to get some respite. And I'm going to get a few sessions with a psychologist under a mental health plan (6 sessions subsidised - that's about all I can afford as I'm incapable of hol;ding down a job, my interpersonal skills are just so terrible). I've been trying to do meaningful stuff lately, like volunteering with a political party I support and with an environmental group, but it isn't really helping. At the end of the day I don't think I have the balls to do it but at this stage I really can't see much hope for things to get better, maybe if it was ten years ago I'd still have a future but right now it look pretty dark on the horizon

 

[Melop]

I feel like I'm in a similar situation to you, so I'm sorry if I'm not able to give you much support or advice, however it seems you have a few strong links that are keeping you in this world. Namely having family that you care about (and presumably that care for you) which should help give you some hope. Your demonstrating that you have the motivation to try and improve your life, which I think is great and a positive thing.

 

[herbavore]

I think that you are using history to convince yourself that nothing can change, in part from the fact that you sound like you have really tried in the past to change without lasting results, but probably also in part because of that insidious human trait: familiarity. So two things come to mind for me: Chile and my 66 year old husband. They both changed after a long history.

My husband also grew up with lots of trauma and then he got drafted into an immoral war and came home with even more anger and depression. All his life he tried to fight the anger and negativity inside but it was his default setting. It was what he had learned to defend and protect himself emotionally and it was familiar. Basically, like you (I can tell this from your writing), he is a very good person with some very heavy baggage to lug around. Almost two years ago, we lost our youngest son to an overdose. This threw him back to a depression he adamantly maintained he could never emerge from. I tried to get him interested in what was helping me which was Buddhist philosophy, or mindfulness. He insisted that he tried it and "failed" at it. He is a scientist and so I bought him the book, Buddha's Brain: the Practical Neuroscience of Happiness, Love and Wisdom. and at the same time he started reading everything he could about neuroplasticity. You are never too old, or too set in your habits, to change. The final nudge to change came as a harsh kick in the gut--a cancer diagnosis. He has a terminal, but treatable, cancer. There is nothing like being told you are going to die whether you like it or not to break up suicidal thinking and to motivate a person to change his or her perspective. He went from someone that usually noticed what was wrong with the world, with his particular world and with himself, to someone that let's most of that slide off. It's been a pretty inspiring change to watch.

You are very young from my perspective (59) and I think that you most certainly have a future. I hope that your 6 sessions with a therapist can be with one that is familiar with both Mindfulness techniques and CBT. Two people on this forum that have inspired me no end with their own hard work and transforming past histories of hurt into launching pads for inner growth are Spork (TDS, NMI and Blogs mod) and Dave (blogs mod). Shoot them a PM and ask them about what they found to be the most useful.

It is so hard to keep hope alive sometimes. I don't mean to minimize what you are going through at all. Abuse in the family and bullying out in the world of a child is irrefutably damaging. But that damage is not only repairable, it can become the underpinning of a strength and wisdom that others have to work much harder to gain. The best way I have found to keep my own hope alive when it threatens to evaporate altogether is to try to step out of myself and see myself as this very small and brief little existence in a much larger picture. The only meaning to this existence is the meaning I create while I am here, in every moment of my present. The gratitude that starts to blossom is very empowering. I think it comes from the sense of time that I have as an older person; I know how short it really is. Give yourself whatever it takes to nurture that flame of faith into existence inside you. Most of us live in boxes we are not even aware of. Think outside the boxes, push out of your comfort zone and you will reap unbelievable rewards from simply believing yourself capable of that.

P.S. On your list of "pros" you list "won't grow old" as a positive. While there are many things I have to admit are hard about it and I felt exactly as you do when I was young, I have to say that in fact it is proving to be a pretty great time of life.

 

[neversickanymore]

I've been depressed and angry all my life, ever since I can remember my life has been miserable. As a child I was subject to a lot of emotional abuse - I was alienated and isolated from the rest of my family by my father. All my childhood memories are of being miserable, crying and howling until I had a headache. As a result, I was a severely dysfunctional child, so I was bullied by my peers, the only way I ever learnt to stop it was by lashing out with anger and violence.

A miserable childhood only guarantees a miserable adult life if you do not seek and work for a good adult life. If you were a dysfunctional child and have become a dysfunctional adult you will need to learn how to become a functional adult. As you have already tried drugs to a bad result it looks like you are aware they are not the answer. So I think it may be safe to conclude that you may have to work on yourself and build yourself into a happy functioning adult. In order to build something you will have to put the work in, rite.. I too wish they sold prepackaged processed, happy every day adult lives, and if we order rite now that they would throw in a free bonus perfect childhood, a set of well developed coping skills, a nurtured acceptance of lifes "negative" aspects, and a fountain that showered good looks, endless luck, true friends, unlimited money, and an endless supply of a new drug that is 100% more powerful than our DOC and the more you take the better your life gets. But until i see a late night ad for this I will be continuing to put the necessary effort to make me, another "dysfunctional" adult, and my life better and better. (I don't know about you but every time i see a functional adult coming down the sidewalk I cross the street).


About your assumed "PROS"

---"I can't hurt anyone else" or you could begin to live a life where you consciously live a life where you no longer hurt people and even go back and try and make amends to the people you have hurt.. since you are a recovering drug addict i will throw a couple of the AA/NA steps out there..

8 We made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9 We made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

------"wont inadvertently bring another life and pass on my shit to another poor souL" or you could put the work in and learn how to live a healthy and happy life and possibly pass that on to an another LUCKY soul.

------"Wont Grow Old" -if you work on you and your life, there is a good chance you may "grow young" and get to have the childhood you never thought you had just in later life.

People come, people go
Some grow young, some grow cold

tom petty

-----Won't die an sad, lonely, old man - rather a sad lonely young man - less suffering in the long run

If you put the work and time in on YOU.. your life will be full of love and companionship and can live a life where you accept all parts, take the good with the bad, accept all parts of life, and die happy.


Remember, tomorrow is promised to no one.

Walter Payton


All that I know I learned after I was thirty.
Georges Clemenceau

My experiences have taught me a lot and I'm happy with my learnings, if not with what I went through to learn.
Ally Sheedy

-----wont die slow and painfully.. If the death you want to aviod is going to be so painful and slow I assume you will have plenty of time to cut it short and end it, if it unfortunately happens, much later on as the "slow disease" "lingers"

-----Remove someone I hate from the world- you can still do this, just start becoming someone you love and that person you hate will be removed

-----Life has been a litany of failures, am now too old to really make the changes necessary (education, career etc) to live the kind of life I want-

I went back to school for civil engineering at the age of thirty after LITERALLY partying like Hunter S T for ten years and made it through O chem I,II,III and CAULC I, II, III to name just a few
It sounds to me like you just don't want to put in the effort needed to create a good life, it wont happen overnight and it will take effort, but I don't think being lazy is a good reason to kill yourself..

“Self pity is easily the most destructive of the non-pharmaceutical narcotics; it is addictive, gives momentary pleasure and separates the victim from reality.”
― John Gardner

“Certainly the most destructive vice if you like, that a person can have. More than pride, which is supposedly the number one of the cardinal sins - is self pity. Self pity is the worst possible emotion anyone can have. And the most destructive. It is, to slightly paraphrase what Wilde said about hatred, and I think actually hatred's a subset of self pity and not the other way around - ' It destroys everything around it, except itself '.

Self pity will destroy relationships, it'll destroy anything that's good, it will fulfill all the prophecies it makes and leave only itself. And it's so simple to imagine that one is hard done by, and that things are unfair, and that one is underappreciated, and that if only one had had a chance at this, only one had had a chance at that, things would have gone better, you would be happier if only this, that one is unlucky. All those things. And some of them may well even be true. But, to pity oneself as a result of them is to do oneself an enormous disservice.

I think it's one of things we find unattractive about the american culture, a culture which I find mostly, extremely attractive, and I like americans and I love being in america. But, just occasionally there will be some example of the absolutely ravening self pity that they are capable of, and you see it in their talk shows. It's an appalling spectacle, and it's so self destructive. I almost once wanted to publish a self help book saying 'How To Be Happy by Stephen Fry : Guaranteed success'. And people buy this huge book and it's all blank pages, and the first page would just say - ' Stop Feeling Sorry For Yourself - And you will be happy '. Use the rest of the book to write down your interesting thoughts and drawings, and that's what the book would be, and it would be true. And it sounds like 'Oh that's so simple', because it's not simple to stop feeling sorry for yourself, it's bloody hard. Because we do feel sorry for ourselves, it's what Genesis is all about.”
― Stephen Fry

------Incapable of having a relationship, that window has closed, I've never learned how to love so it will be painfully lonely forever.

If you put in the effort to become someone you love, many other people will fall in love with you. It sounds to me like that window hasn't even been opened yet, figure out how to open it.

“Don't worry about failures, worry about the chances you miss when you don't even try.”
― Jack Canfield

------Stop feeling miserable- to do this you have to learn how to feel good and practice it.

I really feel that you could benefit in amazing ways from one of the recovery felowships... if you are not willing to do this yet, think of what you have to loose, nothing.. I mean your contemplating killing yourself. get a copy of the AA big book, and i realize that you didn't mention anything about alcohol use or abuse, but get it and read it, it will probably read like you wrote it..


MUCH LOVE

 

[fifleman]

Solid experience and wisdom above me.

bit_pattern: The truth is that there are no pros to suicide, saving instances with physician-assisted suicide for terminally ill and older patients.

I must have missed the day of class when the Universe said that life is going to be rainbows, pleasant feelings, and dancing all day, every day. In fact, I think I missed the handing out of the "How to Live Life" manual.

The main thing I understand about life is that it is suffering. I am handed frustrating and bad situations weekly, I will deal with sickness, old-age, and the death of the ones I love. Then, if I am lucky and all goes chronologically correct, I will deal with sickness, old-age, and death. This is guaranteed in this one life that we can all agree we get.

It sounds as if you had a bad hand to start life with. However, how is it helping you to feel like a victim all these years later and rehashing how you were hurt and dealt a bad hand? It isn't helping you. It's hurting you and you are using it to hurt yourself. You are imploding from within and causing an askew-view of the world. When I think back on all the bad things I've done and how I was screwed this way or that way early on, I immediately feel like a victim, that nobody understands, and I have a great excuse to drink, get high, or fantasize about killing myself. That is why it's so important for me to stay in the moment and the task at hand. I am not good at it but I am getting better at it. Progress, not perfection.

All of what you have typed must mean something to you and hold its' hand in the anger and resentment you feel. I would highly recommend a counselor/therapist/psychologist. The mind is the most powerful thing known to man in the universe, and I know the feeling when you get it twisted and it feels like it cannot be undone. It's a helpless feeling, but there is help. Professionals are trained to ask the right questions, to investigate the correct avenues which will in turn lead to contentedness for you. I called a counselor ASAP when I first got sober. I knew I wanted someone to talk to.

With the suffering of life comes our decision to view it as positively or negatively. It sounds if you have viewed it negatively most of your life; don't you think you owe it to yourself to try something new? I think you do. Think about the people you could potentially help with your own experiences. There are people just like you who need to hear something positive and reaffirming from someone who has gone through the exact experience as you. Right now, they are considering themselves unlucky because they have yet to meet you.

I have control of everything in my world. I do not have control over anything in the world. You can be a direct result of your happiness or anger. Anger has shown what it has to offer. There is help out there and it is absolutely never too late when you haven't even begun. It may seem overwhelming, but that's OK. It will always be OK. I am in the same life as you and someday I will die. We are brothers here on this earth. So please, understand when I say you can find your light within you, my man. It's there. Just be willing to let it shine.

 

[Abject]

Juxtaposition;
I can't hurt anyone else.
Your suicide will hurt those who care about you to a deep extent.
You won't be able to do anything, be it positive or negative.
Everyone get's hurt, you have that hurt and turned it into suffering to wallow in.

Won't inadvertently bring another life into this world and pass on my shit onto another poor soul.
Won't help take away the shit given to those who are already here.

Won't grow old.
You are not going to be significantly older tomorrow than you are today. Next month as you are tomorrow. You are not old enough for age to be of any significant issue.

Won't die an sad, lonely, old man - rather a sad lonely young man - less suffering in the long run
You are already sad and lonely. Your future self could be much better off than you are.

Won't die slow and painfully from some horrible lingering disease like cancer (it's something that runs in the family)
If you were to get a disease, you could just as easily kill yourself then as you could now.
One comforting thing about being human, imo, is knowing you can die at any time, knowing that none of this is permanent and that there will always be the opportunity for the annihilation of yourself.

Remove someone I hate from the world
Your hate won't exist when you are dead.

Life has been a litany of failures, am now too old to really make the changes necessary (education, career etc) to live the kind of life I want
If there's something you want, why not attempt to attain it? You can always die if things go bad, you can't make things good when you're dead though.

Incapable of having a relationship, again that window has closed, I've never leaned how to love so will be painfully lonely forever
It is your responsibility to build and maintain a relationship.


Not having the balls to do it is a good sign.
Hold onto that fear.

 

[bit_pattern]

I hope that your 6 sessions with a therapist can be with one that is familiar with both Mindfulness techniques and CBT. Two people on this forum that have inspired me no end with their own hard work and transforming past histories of hurt into launching pads for inner growth are Spork (TDS, NMI and Blogs mod) and Dave (blogs mod). Shoot them a PM and ask them about what they found to be the most useful.

The psychologist does CBT, I asked her about that when we spoke on the phone and it's funny you mention mindfulness - by chance today I found a copy of Mindfulness for Dummies at my brothers house and borrowed it from him, it seems sensible but I don';t know I have the energy or wherewithal to put it into practice it. I'll sit down and have a good read of it soon I guess.

 

[chaseconroe]

im in very much the same place in my life as you are i wanted to end it but im to weak to pull the trigger i found heroin. Not saying you should look for a drug, it just helped me not so much get better but it gave me more reason to live. I find most of my troubles relate to the fact im a horrible people person and feel like im constantly being judged.

 

[JessFR]

I've been in a similar place to you, for similar reasons. Abuse, loneliness, feeling like history proves that it's almost certain to never get any better, like you I dropped out of school really young and I'll never have the school experiences people talk about, good or bad. I'd had sexual partners, but there was never any romance in them, they weren't 'relationships'. We'd be friends, I like him, he likes me, it'd just sort of happen but there was never any real non-sexual romance involved. I wanted romance, but I couldn't imagine why anyone would want me. Screwing around sure, but actually being committed to eachother? Like wanting to be together simply because you loved eachother more than anyone else in the world? I'd convinced myself that I would never have that because there would always be someone better and more worthy than me for any sane person to choose from.

Like you, it got to the point where I just didn't want to live any more, and I tried to take my own life. I had recently turned 22 at the time.

A few weeks later when I was discharged from hospital, I decided to go for broke, I didn't care anymore, I didn't care about my possessions, I didn't care how disappointed my family was in me, things were already real low and I figured I would just ran away, I didn't care if I was never able to return, I didn't care if I ended up living on the street, I just had to leave the situation I was in and find my own way.

I won't lie, life still really really sucks sometimes. My lifes far from perfect, and I have a lot of trouble trying to reconcile who I am when my life has been so different to the convention society holds us too. But here's why you shouldn't kill yourself...

You don't know the future, depression makes us believe we do but we don't. I thought I did, things that have happened since I tried to kill myself I never, ever, in a billion years, would ever have truly believed I could have had when I was 18. It's not perfect, I don't know if I'll ever get anything approaching perfect. And I won't lie and say I'm not still terrified with what I have because I know just how much you can lose. And I won't lie and tell you that's what will happen with you, that we aren't two different people. I can't promise you any future except that if you kill yourself you won't have one at all.

What I can promise you, is that the unbelievable sometimes really does happens, the unlikely happens, dare I say it even miracles happen sometimes. I know it's hard, you may be older than me but you are still young, 32 is NOT too late to turn your life around I can promise you that.

When I feel in pain, when I can, sometimes what helps me is to feel like... I may be a horrible, manipulative, lying drug addict who deserves to be in pain... but you know what? If that's what I'm going to be labeled as then I'm going to make it hurt for you too (I don't know who I'm talking about when I think this, society I guess), you can dish out all the pain you want and I'm just going to keep going forward because even if I'm a hated manipulative lying drug addict etc etc... I'm a survivor and I'm not going to end my life until I've done absolutely anything I can think of and want to make life a little more tolerable. Depression lies to us, worse than that, it lies to us in our own voices, pretending it's really us who's saying it, confusing us.

I don't know of any of this helps, but if you take anything from this, it's this. The future is NOT set for you and you would be amazed at the unlikeliest things that can happen. But only if you give them time too.

I still don't have that much in my life, serious money problems... my partner loves me but hates that I have drug problems, I live in a crappy apartment in a crappy neighborhood. But at least I've still had a more interesting life with more experiences than most normal people I know, and I don't regret for a moment not dying. I regret a lot of things about how my life turned out and things that happened, but life isn't about our fantasies of perfections, lifes about those little moments of joy on our roller coaster pursuit of thing better.

 

[spork]

The psychologist does CBT, I asked her about that when we spoke on the phone and it's funny you mention mindfulness - by chance today I found a copy of Mindfulness for Dummies at my brothers house and borrowed it from him, it seems sensible but I don';t know I have the energy or wherewithal to put it into practice it. I'll sit down and have a good read of it soon I guess.

My best advice here would be to stop putting it off and JUST DO IT. Mindfulness is a lot easier than you think and you actually probably practice it often already without knowing it. It doesn't have to be formal meditation or anything. You can just lay down for a bit and put something on your belly. It doesn't matter what it is. It can be a remote control or anything near you. Breathe in and out and notice your belly moving as you breathe. When other thoughts start coming to you don't judge them and just let them go. You can do this for a minute or an hour or however long you want. I like drinking my morning coffee mindfully. I feel the warm cup in my hands and pay attention to the way the cup feels on my lips as I take a drink and then feel as the warm liquid goes down my throat. Mindfulness is all about just concentrating on what is happening right now and completely feeling it without judging yourself or your thoughts. It takes some practice, but it really does help in the long run and has been proven to do some really good things for your brain. It definitely changed my life for the better.

Here is a good thread that herbavore made right here in TDS that has some good links and advice on mindfulness. All the best.

 

[bit_pattern]

Does anyone have any experience with acupuncture for temporary respite? Around about this time last year I left the city I lived in (and am back living in) and stayed with sme family, my Aunty is a practitioner and did a session with me - I don't know whether it was the change of circumstances or the acupuncture or a combination of both but I found my anxiety levels and depressive feelings subsided a lot, was able to hold a job down for about six months. But then it came back, ended up quitting the job because of a conflict with my manager, slipped into depression again (didn't help that I was also trying to resume a course of Champix) so I decided to go back home. I did another session with my Aunty and, again, I don't know if it was the acupuncture or the change in circumstances but I felt a lot better. I struck up an online romance with a girl I met on Twitter, that went well for a little while but then after about two months the old anger and frustration resurfaced, which I took out on her (she had a bf and decided after awhile that she wasn't going to break up with him but we kept on doing stuff together). In the end though I completely fucked it up and she cut off contact, then I really slipped leaving me feeling like I am now. I have a session booked for tomorrow, I found a community acupuncture clinic that provides heavily a heavily discounted service for low income people. I'm desperately hoping that will give some respite. If not I'll probably have to resort to SSRI's because I desperately need a circuit breaker. What are people's opinions on SSRI's? Are they worth it, I'm kind of hesitant about flooding my brain with chemicals like that but also want to believe that they can help.

 

[MrSpeedyG]

I am really, really short for time at the moment and will come back here and give you some advice which helped me along, havent read any of the posts yet.

Long story short, it is deffintly, not worth it. At all. You'll come out of it

And in regards to your question on SSRI's, I have personally been on one for a week, it was sertraline but more commonly known by the brand name zoloft - i decided to do it without. They can deffintly help you . There is a lot of stigma from myself along with many many others on this board aswell as around the world. But, SSRI's do have their place and MAY very well be an extremely helpful tool in helping your recovery.

I'm really short for time like I said, I'll come back here shortly and give something useful

 

[Captain.Heroin]

There are no pros to suicide.

 

[choco1ate]

this is the wrong way to approach it, i think. nobody wants to validate suicide but it does happen so obviously some consider it a better alternative to living

 

[neversickanymore]

12+ minutes or aerobic exercise has been shown to cause positive wonders on serotonin.


also check this out.. http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2077351/

 

[bit_pattern]

im in very much the same place in my life as you are i wanted to end it but im to weak to pull the trigger i found heroin. Not saying you should look for a drug, it just helped me not so much get better but it gave me more reason to live. I find most of my troubles relate to the fact im a horrible people person and feel like im constantly being judged.

I can definitely relate to this

 

[BlueHues]

I don't advocate anyone commiting suicide, but your list of PROS is really pretty good....it's the same things that run through my mind....but I'm glad I never killed myself, because Ive had some low lows and things have always gotten better in ways I couldn't even imagine.....things suck now and I've thought more about suicide this past year than I have in awhile, but I know things can get better again...wasting time thinking that you're getting old is, well, a huge waste of time....there's a lot of little things about life that are hard to appreciate, but if you can take a deep breath and slow your mind down you can find those moments everyday...

 

[panic in paradise]

if you think you have it bad now
it will be worse next time.

if it is bad now, and you think that it isnt
what couldnt of seemed to of have been any better for you
is what will be next time.

 

[Pagey]

The thing is, depression can't be measured logically through lists like this, in my opinion. It's by definition a very irrational state of mind that clouds your judgement entirely. Like okay, last night for instance I had a majorly suicidal few hours during which I was absolutely, irrevocably convinced that I was the biggest piece of shit on the planet, that I had nothing to give to the world and that no one gave a fuck about me. Now that I'm feeling a little better today, I'm not exactly particularly enthusiastic but I'm able to see I was going too far last night.
It's important to remember it's never too late to change your life. If you want to/can go back to university, do it! There are people in my undergraduate course who are well into their 40s/50s. At 32 you haven't even lived half your life yet, you still have time to make up for all you've been through so far.

As you said, we've truly got no idea what comes after death anyway, and we've got no idea if it's any better than this. If that's terrifying enough to deter you from attempting anything, then focus on that. At least you know that in life you're a conscious being capable of making his own decisions and of influencing his own life. Just remember it's never too late to change where you're going

As for the cancer thing - I get where you're coming from completely since I don't think I've got any chance of escaping it (one grandfather died of cancer, other grandfather is battling two of them right now, one grandmother as well, and my dad...plus I smoke). But the truth is 1. well, we can't know for sure how it's gonna end, 2. we both very probably have a few decades in front of us before it becomes that big of a risk and 3. if you do get cancer one day, well you'll deal with it then, but that isn't exactly a reason to end your life prematurely!

 

[Abject]

I don't want to go against the HR nature of BL, but I feel as if I should have a place to express myself.

All of the 'deterrents' of suicide are predicated on a genuine will to live, valued existence, worth within, and desire for the opportunities/possibilities of life.

I do find my emotions to be irrational, especially through simultaneous opposites. I mean, there are objective things that oppose my subjective state of mind.
There is a disconnect between reality and experience.

The little shreds attachment and care, just enough to hold you here, against your entire emotional desire, within the apathy and indifference.
The objective connection in a disconnected mind.
The perpetual flow of the present experienced by a disjointed mind.
The objective worth of the possible/potential time that is your future, even though that is predicated on your present self, to whom existence has no worth.
The chaos within this stagnation.

I think the thing that usually pushes me to the brink of suicide is disgust.
Utterly sick of all of it, fed up of the shit which I am the source for.


It makes it so hard. I live with my mother, and I know she has only shown me love, but I simply cannot be grateful for this existence I have been given.
I feel so bad when I focus on the pain she will feel when I kill myself, and I feel so incapacitated by this whole thing called existence.
I feel like I owe my life to her, like it isn't mine to throw away. I am my own being, if there is one single thing everyone owns it is their being.
It all feels so wrong.
I just-

And as for feeling like shit, I think that is only a natural progression of depression.
When all you feel is shit, you become shit.
Your entire demeanour is based upon desires, be it emotional, logical, objective, subjective, forced, chosen, etc.
It is all about what you want to do.
When you do not care, when you don't want you're existence, when you're trying to waste away all this time because you don't actually want it-
I am a piece of shit, and it is because of the way I feel. It is because of the feelings I lack, the state of mind that is inherent to my being.
I cannot change this. I have the choice to deal with it, to keep existing for existence sake. I can defy my only genuine desire in the cesspool of shit that is my life. The aggregation of each moment I have experienced, each blending into the next, all held together by the constant that is my depression.

I can't be grateful for this. Existence is not a gift.
My entire reality consists of the desire to get rid of it, to stop it, to escape it, to distract myself from it.
I do not want this.

This very phenomenon, is in one mangled integration of so many bad emotions I'm not even aware of half of them,
but I am forced to experience their effects through the repercussions of my actions and lifestyle, and I am completely aware of their existence.
I have no way to explore them, or cease them. This is not a matter of thought.


Everything just feels fucked.
I feel ruined.


Sorry for the massive post OP, seeing as this is a thread about ones thoughts on suicide I hope you don't mind.