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Suicide note?

DeathDomokun

DeathDomokun

Ex-Bluelighter
Joined
Mar 22, 2011
Messages
1,555
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Bound by my mistress
Now I know that this is my decision, and no people on the internet have as much a view into my life and circumstances than I do, but some input and perspectives would be nice.
It would be nice to get your opinion herby, seeing as you're a mother.
Now I'm a piece of shit. I know this. The thing is. Well, I'm having trouble trying to even analyse let alone describe the relationship I have with my mother.
I'm a very... irrational? No. My emotions don't correlate with logic or reason, and they confuse the fuck out of me. I'm not going to describe the state of mind I deal with as I've attempted this before and I can't adequately do this.
The thing is
Alright, well, you see
Nobody really knows me. My family have a different perception of the type of person I am than associates would, and friends would have another perception, and sexual partners even more so.
I don't mean the average differences. I seem to act very different.
In all of my life, I am disconnected though.
I am very estranged? from my mother. She knows nothing of the feelings I experience, other than seeing obvious suffering from my actions.
She doesn't know any of my opinions, or my thoughts on these matters. She knows nothing about me, and I don't have the courage to expose that in life.
The thing is, I don't know whether I should leave her a letter when I eventually kill myself.
On one hand, I feel like revealing so much will make her feel bad that she didn't do more when I was alive (even though she can't/couldn't) and feel like she missed out on knowing somebody deeper than she knows of me through the relationship we both failed at, but on the other hand I feel like if I don't leave a note she will feel too much responsibility and have a hard time dealing with the uncertainty and lack of knowledge about my final action.
So, I ask you TDS, if you were physically close to someone but didn't know them emotionally or psychologically very well. Or your perception of who they are is completely different to what is really going on inside, would you want the answers when it's too late? What would knowing such information once they're gone mean to you? Would you take closure from the brutal honesty and annihilation of your misconception? Would you find it harder with the uncertainty and lack of knowledge without a letter?
There's much more to me than anybody knows, and I like it that way. I just don't know whether I should die that way. It's not even about me and what people think of me, it's about how my mother feels.
I just can't help but feel like her reaction to seeing this side (that I assume she knows exists, although knows nothing of) will result in much anguish.
I know this might be a bit vague but my cognitive function and awareness of my own life are fucking abhorrent, and if I were more cognizant I would do all I could to convey that. I can't express what I'm not aware of, let alone know or understand.
So, how would you react to a note? No note?
What is your opinion on the course of action to take given such dynamics of the relationship?
Now I don't need people telling me to fix shit while I still can and express these things in life as that is not what I'm going to do.
 
Also she doesn't like my beard and long hair so I'll be getting rid of that before I kill myself for her, although my head will be mangled and detached from my body anyway.
 
I'm nearly 50, I've seen a lot in my life, I've watched a few close friends have to bury their child, nothing you can do or say will ease your mothers pain and grief, she will be devastated, she will weep every day, she won't understand, she will blame herself, she will remember you as a baby, she will remember the first words you spoke, the first steps you took, she will think constantly of all the hopes and dreams she had for you, she will never get over it.

Is that what you really want ?

It takes more courage to reach out through the fog and find love and forgiveness than it does to end it all in an attempt to make a statement.

If she wasn't important to you then you wouldn't have gone to the trouble of telling us all about her and your relationship with her, do you have it in you to give her a hug and tell her you love her ?, do you have the guts to admit the truth to yourself ?

You are hurting bad that's obvious, but don't give in to it, please.

I have 3 children, none of them have ever met the rest of my family, I lost my father when I was a kid, I have hated my mother since I was 15, I have not spoken to her for 30 years, and I am ashamed of myself for that.

I'll make a deal with you, you find the courage to reach out to your mum and I will match you stride for stride and attempt to do the same, PM me if you want, maybe we can help each other.

My heart goes out to you bro.

webby
 
Even if you don't fix things, can't you just throw caution to the wind and experience some of the awesome things life has to offer? I was struggling a bit recently, so I dropped everything and saw some of the world. I took off to India first (highly recommended, this places really makes you feel alive), and made my way around there for a few weeks, and then moved on to another country. It really, really helped. I gained a new perspective, maybe there's something that will give you this too. It's definitely worth a try before you end it anyway. Please, please try everything possible before ending it. Go to places you've never seen, meet amazing people, eat foreign foods and experience life! Volunteer and help out at an orphanage? Teach English on the other side of the world! There is so much you can do. You can't hold on any longer? You couldn't give yourself another chance at life?

:( <3
 
your hair would be the last thing she is thinking about when she has to bury her child it would devastate her i'd be dead by now too just i have people who love me and couldn't do that to them it's too selfish i would seek therapy and try meditation
 
Sounds like your young and you don't know who you are yet or who you want to be. Give yourself about 10 more years and slowly everything comes into perspective.
 
webbykevin said:
I'm nearly 50, I've seen a lot in my life, I've watched a few close friends have to bury their child, nothing you can do or say will ease your mothers pain and grief, she will be devastated, she will weep every day, she won't understand, she will blame herself, she will remember you as a baby, she will remember the first words you spoke, the first steps you took, she will think constantly of all the hopes and dreams she had for you, she will never get over it.

Is that what you really want ?

It takes more courage to reach out through the fog and find love and forgiveness than it does to end it all in an attempt to make a statement.

If she wasn't important to you then you wouldn't have gone to the trouble of telling us all about her and your relationship with her, do you have it in you to give her a hug and tell her you love her ?, do you have the guts to admit the truth to yourself ?

You are hurting bad that's obvious, but don't give in to it, please.

I have 3 children, none of them have ever met the rest of my family, I lost my father when I was a kid, I have hated my mother since I was 15, I have not spoken to her for 30 years, and I am ashamed of myself for that.

I'll make a deal with you, you find the courage to reach out to your mum and I will match you stride for stride and attempt to do the same, PM me if you want, maybe we can help each other.

My heart goes out to you bro.

webby
Click to expand...

This is a good post.

DeathDomokun, I hope you get through this without deciding to go through with these plans of suicide. You're obviously a bright person, and believe it or not, I can relate to a lot of what you've said. Please consider what some others have said in this thread. Sometimes a lot of us have a harder time finding the will to live, but when you get there, it's worth it and you'll be happy you got through it alive.
 
DD, I think you should write your mother a note but not go through with the suicide. I was the same way with my parents for many years and hid my depression from them for a very long time. I never wanted them to know because I thought they would think I was weak and be disappointed in me. I also never really felt a real closeness to them which made it extremely difficult to open up to them. I definitely can empathize with you and know how it is to not want to let a parent know the pain you've been experiencing. Anyway, I ended up calling my mom at the last minute and admitting that I was very close to taking my own life. It was something that I never really wanted to do as I didn't want them to feel bad in any way. My mother ended up being more helpful than I ever thought she could be. I found out that she's had the same sort of thoughts and has had bouts of depression and anxiety throughout her life and other members of my family have suffered from mental illnesses as well. She ended up staying on the phone with me for hours and my parents came to see me a few days later. Since then, my relationship with my mother changed quite a bit and now I feel more comfortable talking with her about things when I'm going through a rough patch because she really does care and understands. I'm so glad that I decided to tell my mother my feelings before I did what I was planning to do.

If you can't talk to your mom over the phone or in person about this stuff, I think a letter might be a good idea. Give her a chance to know what you've been going through and let her in. She might surprise you and help give you the strength to keep on living.

<3 <3 <3
 
DeathDomokun, when my boys were growing up, every birthday that I had, every Mothers Day, every Christmas I would say, "DON'T buy me a present. All I want is a letter. Just write me a letter." Sometimes they would and sometimes they wouldn't but I can say without a doubt that their words, words that described their feelings, are treasures to me beyond anything I own. But these were words from boys who were very much alive. The whole point of me asking for the words, their value to me, was that I wanted to know my boys and I wanted them to know that I valued their feelings and communication above any material thing. A note written before death and received after death is an entirely different set of words. I can honestly say that I do not think that it would have any effect on the devastating pain that Kevin described so accurately.

The relationship between a mother and child is so complicated. We were, after all, once one. We shared our blood and oxygen. Where your mother went, you went. What she ate affected you. The sounds surrounding her ears were what you heard in the womb. When she experienced anger or fear or happiness, different chemicals washed through your world. The birth process, that separation, takes great courage for both mother and child. There is always a very real tension going on between mothers and their children, the tension of separating in healthy ways while acknowledging the bond that can never be broken. Some mothers hang on too tight. Some mothers are scared of the intensity of the bond and show little or no love out of fear that love will consume them. Most mothers do the best they can somewhere in the middle of that continuum.

When you say that your mother doesn't know you, that is both entirely true and false at the same time. No one in this world has ever, will ever, could ever have the need to nurture you like your mother. This comes with its own set of complications. Love and the need to nurture can slide easily into fear and the need to control. Every parent and every child on earth will chart their own course through this dynamic and few us get through completely unscathed. But your mother is in some ways, like every one else. She is a separate human being and she cannot know all the complex dynamics of nature, personality, experience and perceptions and biology that went into making you who you are. Sometimes I think the root of all the intense struggles I see between mothers and their children come down to this: once upon a time she knew us in a way no one else will ever know us again. She knew every single square centimeter of our body, she anticipated our feelings before we even had them and she responded to them selflessly. She soothed our fears and fed us on every level. We spend our lives looking to be known, holding up impossible bars set by that first unconscious experience, and in some ways resent our mothers for failing to continue to know us and for setting the bar higher than anyone can ever realistically achieve again. Being a mother and a daughter I've known this from both ends.

Ok, I'm sorry, DD, I've written a mini essay on motherhood and that is not what you asked for. You asked if as a mother, it would be better to leave a note or to leave nothing if you take your life. I cannot answer that question but I can echo what Kevin said about the effect ending your life will have on her. There will be no solace for your mother. She will spend the rest of her life in guilt, in confusion and aching at such a bone deep level that there really is no way to describe it. What healing takes place will be her ability to live with these feelings, her ability to put them in some kind of perspective. It will affect her marriage, her relationship with other siblings, her friends and her relationship with her own parents.

What you didn't ask for is my feelings about your despair. This is not an opinion about suicide in the abstract; these are feelings for you, feelings about life and death in general that I want to express. You have been in pain for quite some time and right now you cannot believe that this will ever change. It is understandable to come to that conclusion when it is your experience day in and day out. The words you used, "I am a piece of shit and I know this" are words that I have heard twice in my life--once from my little brother (20+ year coke/crack addiction) and once from my son (MDVP addiction, less than a year). Nothing has ever caused me so much guilt as a mother as those words. When my kids were growing up I tried to teach them that no matter what they did, no matter how badly they acted or how badly their behavior hurt someone else that there was always forgiveness but first they had to forgive themselves. You are human and every human being is a mess of contradictions, impulses, bad decisions, and selfishness. But like the rest of us you are also miraculous in your ability to be empathetic (I have seen it so many times from you on this forum), to have humor, to feel regret and altruism, to simply be kind for kindness sake. Calling yourself a piece of shit and claiming that as an irrefutable reality for all time will cause your mother (not to mention your Dad and siblings) to ask herself every day how she could have loved you so badly, so inadequately, that you could ever have felt that way. No amount of rational thought will ever completely save her from that hell. I never felt that way about myself until my son, who had uttered those words about himself, died and transferred them to me. Now I know what he felt. I know that it would kill him all over again to know that his death caused this for me and so that is my motivation to fight that hideous voice tooth and nail every day. It's a formidable enemy, I'll give you that much. But make no mistake, that that perception, those words, are your enemy. You have to choose between victim and warrior every day. It gets exhausting. What Mel wrote is really good advice: push out of your reality to a whole new one somewhere else--it doesn't even have to be far if you don't have the means. What Spork wrote is also really good advice--open up now to your mother. Let her know that she doesn't have to fix you, she just needs to hear you. I had to move all the way across the country from my family before I could open up to them but once that healing took place in a few small ways it just continued to build over the years.

I keep telling myself that I am writing too much and then I think of more thing I want to tell you. Sorry. Bottom line is this: Your life feels unbearable to you, but your life is not only defined by what is happening inside as what circumstances allow you to perceive from the outside. Change it up before giving up. The world is so huge. There may be worlds of solace out there for you that you cannot even imagine because you have no information to get your imagination started.

My sincerest love and empathy are with you for what its worth. I only know you from your words on this forum but I can assure you that I (and no one here) could ever agree with your assessment of yourself. You have helped many people to see themselves differently, to try a different perspective. I hope that you can allow us to influence yours.<3<3<3
 
I have many opinions on this one. I feel like someone wouldn't be able to predict an accurate response to a suicide note.
 
you remind me very much of myself. especially with your relationship with your mother. it's sad, really. i'd love to be friends with my mom like i am with my dad but i just can't figure it out. i respect her and everything but we just don't get along...it sucks.
 
IMO a letter won't change anything. People think what they think. You can't make a person think what you want to think.
You make it sound like your going to write something magical and all the sudden she will understand you. Maybe she understands you perfectly right now. Maybe if you just talked to her you would find that out. Or maybe I don't know shit about you Im just guessing from what you said and your saying it wrong *shrug*

who knows.... IMO a letter is a cheap way of trying to hurt someone after your dead. Once your gone your gone and people will just forget about you. A letter will just hurt them a little bit more and again IMO its a cowardly thing to do. Nothing good will come of it. It can do nothing but cause more pain. How can a letter do something you have failed to accomplish in all this time?

what do I know you asked me what I think so I told you. See you asked. so there you go.

later
 
I'm not planning on killing myself in the near future, but it is only eminent and this is one aspect I am unsure about. I appreciate the sentiment Webby, and if you feel like you're able to reach out to your mum you'll find plenty of support here, myself included.
Mel, I am sort of vaguely thinking about getting a one way plane ticket at the end of the year and just seeing how I react to a different location.
Spork, it's good that you've been able to (re)connect with your mother. I appreciate the post, but I just don't have it in me to open up to her.
Please don't apologise for writing Herby, that's the opposite of what you should be doing. I'm not expecting a letter to bring solace or comfort, but rather prevent unwarranted suffering. When I say this, I mean that with a better insight into the origin of my suicide she wouldn't be left with such a haze of uncertainty and confusion. I can't even imagine all of the possible thoughts that could arise, and I know that the clarification could nullify some of them, well better put would be prevent them from arising in the first place. I just can't help but wonder if the truth would be worse than not knowing.
I'm sorry you experienced such guilt from your son feeling that way, I really am, but I can't change the way I feel. Even if I'm only pathetic because I'm pathetic, shit because I feel shit, apathetic because of-
Everything is driven by emotion. If there was no emotion, there'd be no will to do anything. Volition is based on desire, really. Whether it's a 'logical' or 'emotional' or from 'priorities' they're all derived from an emotional foundation. I can't change the way I feel, and the control I do have over my actions is fuelled by my emotional state, which is not good in any sense.
So when you say no amount of logic or rational thought will nullify her feelings, I understand. I truly do. I just can't stop this.
I'm neither a victim nor a warrior, and no matter how much I fake it and change my actions I can't control my emotions. I am my emotions, they are a part of me, so all there is for me to do is accept and surrender to them. In this, comes the notion of self-disgust and lack of esteem. Not high esteem or low esteem, but esteem in general. I don't hold myself in any esteem, but when I analyse the condition I'm in and my actions which are directly affected by my state of mind, I'm left with the very real feeling that I am shit. If this is my enemy, then I must continue to fight myself. This condition is stronger than my volition, and therefore I can't see any possible way to surmount my suffering.
You're not writing too much at all.
I haven't reached my wits end just yet, and I'm not quite over the edge.
I know logically I should try to explore all avenues before giving up, but when I'm in such a negative state I have no inclination to do such.
I know what you mean rules. I respect her as a person, and I think she's great, but we just clash hard given the circumstances of everything.
Sickness, with all due respect, a letter would change things. It will influence thoughts. It will restrict some whilst creating others. Nothing will make her understand what I've experienced, but it will certainly give her some insight and clarity over nothing. The thing is, I don't know whether the answers she will derive without a letter will be 'better' than what she will derive from a letter.
I don't know how you think a letter is an attempt to hurt someone. It's not supposed to be some reminder, and if my mother were to forget soon thereafter or stop caring now, that would be great.
I don't think a letter is more cowardly than leaving nothing at all, but I'm not sure either way. A letter will accomplish saying things I didn't say in life, is what it will accomplish.

Thank for you the replies, I appreciate it.
Your post was very touching herby, and I appreciate all the support guys.
<3
 
And thank you for sharing all this with us, you have certainly given me cause to re'think a few things and for that I am truly grateful.

Also thanks go to Herbavore too, your post was amazing
 
Maybe your scared to mention the fact your thinking of hurting your self because she might talk you out of it? Or maybe you want to be talked out of it.

I think a letter would bring a lot more grief then support. It would make her think there were things she could of done to stop you instead of thinking (he would of done it anyway nothing I could of done)

JUST My opinion not worth much :)

are you sober? you should do things on a clear head before you make a choice.
 
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