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Mental Health Suicide is Tempting

S

siamooshkeleh

Greenlighter
Joined
Jan 15, 2013
Messages
2
Alright well I am an 18 year old girl.

Here is my story.

So since I was a small child I had problems communicating with people. I was just always very socially anxious and awkward. I still don't know how to convey feelings to people. As a child I had friends but they usually ended up not liking me due to me getting angry very easily. I got angry easily every time I thought someone didn't care about me; I was very sensitive about it. I don't get angry as easily anymore and if I do I control it. Aside from getting angry I was always very quiet and people mistook that for being shy, but I just felt tired talking to people after a few minutes. I don't know why.

So I go on to middle school, and again I'm unpopular because people just thought I was a loser. I did make some friends but I started getting angry at them too because they'd do things like never say hi to me but say hi to each other, I generally got the feeling they didn't care about me. Additionally I was bullied heavily because of my race and by the time I was 14 I was hiding in toilets at breaks because people jeered at me if I sat alone outside.

Then I decide to move to a new school for high school. High school was an improvement. I found good friends and went to parties regularly, alongside with having a couple of boyfriends along the way. Then my home life became bad as my parents started putting more and more pressure on me to get good grades. If I got 60% on a test, they'd make me stay home a month. The times I wasn't grounded, I'd only be allowed out once a week. I started getting depression in my senior year of high school. My grades which used to be excellent, dropped to 30s and 40s. My teachers started to complain about me. I got in a fight with my best friends and was virtually alone. I was constantly in trouble at school for skipping classes. Eventually I got to a point where I just snapped and went home, waited until 3AM and took all the pills in my family's pantry and took a glass of water, took them to my room and swallowed all of them.

I was 16 at the time. Next thing I knew I woke up at hospital and was in a ward for a week. My parents were traumatized and all the teachers at school thought I was a nutter because the doctor told them what I did. I couldn't bear to go back because they knew, so I dropped out. I took a bridging course to a good university in my city. The bridging course is about one and a half years. It basically replaces your first year of college. It was a shithole.

Once I started the bridging course I pretty much had no friends and I was 17. I did get through the units until now. This March I was supposed to start my actual year of university. I have been depressed all this while because I have no true friends. I depended on hanging out with friends who used me when they were bored and a couple of boyfriends. The bridging course is in a small college full of Asians who don't speak English so I only made two friends who were both guys who wanted to sleep with me and drifted off when I didn't. I am a good looking girl so I became quite popular amongst boys within the college, but no one would talk to me. Apparently my face looked fierce.

The only thing that got me through this bridging course was the thought of going to university this year and finally making good friends and actually enjoying my youth for once. But now that's over as I just screwed up one of my exams and thus will fail a unit. This one unit will prevent me from getting in. If I do extensions units with it, I have to pay 4000 dollars which I don't have. If I don't, it's 4 months going to one class per week, making no friends, nothing to do, and being incredibly lonely. The only thing which stops me going crazy is that I still hang out with a couple of friends from high school and I have a boyfriend who I have been dating for eight months and who loves me very much.

I tried to ask for a retest but my lecturer isn't having any of it. She just told me to do the one unit for four months. I'll literally go crazy if I have to spend another four months without making new friends or anything. Seriously. I want to die. I'm totally lost. Even with my boyfriend's support, it's not enough. I'm hopeless. I'm just a loser who will never enjoy youth and never have good friends. My sister enjoyed her youth but I won't. Everyone does but not me.
 
"Everyone does but not me." This is false. A lot of people struggle in their youth
My teenage years were a struggle. Loneliness, depression, confusion and intense feelings of inferiority were my constant companions. I was bullied a lot for three years, by my whole class. I got into all sorts of trouble. I've done things I regret. I've seen things I wish I hadnt seen. I'm not proud of my teenage years neither my early adulthood years. Somehow, though, I've survived the shitstorm that was (and still is) my youth.
 
Been there, just don't. Get professional help, the sooner you do the sooner you can get to a place where everything doesn't feel so screwed up. There's always a way out of your problems, but it's hard to see clearly when you're depressed, and it's not suicide.

Also, your lecturer might be more willing to retest if you tell them that you're having issues with depression and can show them you're getting help for it. You can take an academic leave of absence at a lot of schools, which will let you focus on getting yourself right. I know it probably feels like everything you're going through right now is going to completely decide how your life turns out, but it won't. I promise. You can go back to college if you need to take time off, you can pick a new job if you don't like the career path you've chosen. You're not stuck, you're just starting out, and there's plenty of time to enjoy your youth and all the rest of it. There's also a whole world to see, so sort out your mental health so you can enjoy going and seeing it.

And if you're curious: Attempted suicide at 13 and 17, shy growing up, great grades until 17, hospitalized for depression and taking a bunch of sleeping pills at 17, parents didn't understand, had issues all through college due to depression and off and on in my 20's; now spend time traveling the world, have work I enjoy and a healthy relationship, met people that can relate and am learning to live with and treat my clinical depression.
 
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Suicide IS tempting...Ive been feeling the same way too...for slightly different reason but some the same as you...hard for me to express my self properly...put what i feel or think into words..among other things. But as much as its tempting...its not really. It just seems like the ultimate FUCK IT, the ultimate escape. But then what..? No one really knows. Some people think you go to a limbo type place where you just walk around with your sadness until the time you were supposed to die, A lot of people think theres just...nothingness...A lot of people think you even go to hell. I dont know what I beleive...Ive had friends that have commited suicide and I just refuse to believe they went to hell and it made me realise the huuge impact it has on sooo many people the magnitude the extent of the pain it causes to others..I know its hard to imagine sometimes but its HUGE. . ANYthing could happen at ANY time. Things can change sooo fast. Dont lose your thirst for life..theres always moments even little ones coming that make everything worth it. Money school things like that...there so fleeting...so is your state of mind...You have a good relationship you say you have friends enjoy that and I think more people think they dont enjoy there youth then do...from what I see lol. Dont put sooo much pressure on enjoying your youth...that just adds extra stress. Just live it. Live in each moment see where it takes you. Focus on the good things. You have the potential to have an amazing "youth" with what you already have you just need to see it..live in the moment...and maybe drop some expectations..
 
Things seem hard now, I understand....but they can get better but you have to give yourself the chance to experience it.
Without the bad times, we wouldn't appreciate the good nearly as much. <3
You have your whole life ahead of you......Don't give up.
I've been there, contemplated ending my life a few times, but there is no do over for that.
You take away all chances of experiencing the good things in life- growth, happiness, love....

My father committed suicide a year ago in ten days.
After he passed I just kept thinking, I wonder if he knew how FINAL this choice was.
As the survivor of suicide loss, and also someone who has considered it, I can tell you it's much bigger than you think when you're in a depressed state.
If you find yourself making plans to follow through on this, please reach out to a professional.
You may think of doing this now, therapy is a very good option.

What interests do you have?
My suggestion would be to try to focus on the positive, to live in the moment, and try to keep a positive outlook.
Find your interests and what makes you happy and feed that.
If you like reading, read quotes on positivity, look into affirmations-
If you enjoy nature to ANY extent, go outside and choose one thing to focus on and just let go of your troubles and try to breathe in the peace nature offers us.
When I do this, I will choose a leaf, or birds chirping, or the wind....I think of the cycles of nature and the cycles of my life.
You could say right now you're experiencing your winter- it's time to focus on your roots, the base of who you are- find yourself and your passions and nurture yourself....Try not to focus on the daily trials you have or the social aspect of things until you are in a more positive state.
Embrace the time you have to yourself rather than resenting it (if that makes sense).
I understand loneliness and feeling like there is no way out of a bad situation- but there always is....you just need to find it and make it work for you.

I hope things get better soon <3
Please keep us updated.
Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves. ~Henry David Thoreau
 
Sia you sound like such a sweet girl I'm sorry your feeling down. I can relate to having social anxiety, being bullied, and feeling like a social outcast. I spent my 4 high school years smoking myself stupid with weed just to escape reality and the fact that nobody really liked me except the computer geeks I would hang around because they would accept anybody. It's taken me a long time to get my confidence and self-esteem back. At 18 I was a mess, but it's funny now that I'm 27 I would give almost anything to be 18 again. You have so much ahead of you that if your willing to ask for help and get to the root of your depression & dissatisfaction with life, the next 10 years could be the best of your life. They sure were for me.

From 18-25 I lived it up, drugs, pussy, parties, you name it. I went wild. But you'll find that once your out of school and your life slows down, all your party/druggie friends have left, your left alone to ponder where the time went and what the hell you do now. At least thats how its been for me. Sia, you sound depressed, have you ever tried Wellbutrin? Thats what I take and it's made a huge difference in my life because things don't feel as pointless anymore and I feel geniunely happy sometimes. Attitude and your perspective on life really is everything. And ungratefulness is very bad for the soul.

At 18 there also comes a lot of angst. I don't know what its like for girls but at 18 I was pretty much a wild animal who just drank a lot of beer, watched a lot of porn, and jacked off like a mad-man. My point is, you can't really expect to have all the kinks worked out by that age. You still have so much maturing to endure and so many mistakes to make on your own that you will hopefully learn from. Whens the last time that you've been single? I know for me I stayed in relationships, and one in particular for 4 years, and when it ended I was left feeling incomplete because I hadn't really learned how to live life on lifes terms and I couldn't face life alone. I would encourage you to spend at least 6 months single if the relationship your in (not saying it will or even has to end) doesn't work out in the future. Take those 6 months and explore yourself. Cut through the expectations of others, or society, and ask yourself what you truly (deep down) want out of your time here on earth. Do you want to be a mother someday? Do you want a family? Do you want a good career and to make a lot of money? I would encourage you to find a longterm goal or something to strive for because THAT is what keeps us motivated when life gets dull and we feel like we aren't getting anywhere in life. When you have to be up at 6am or work 12hour days it's those longterm goals that prevent us from giving up. So you have to find something YOU TRULY DEEPLY WANT and believe you can have if you walk the right path.

Another thing to remember is things take time. Everything takes time. A lot of time. In life you pretty much never get what you want when you want it. You have to think in years instead of months/weeks. Pretty much everything will work itself out if you try your best and keep moving forward even if it's in slow incriments. But sweety, please don't even go there with thinking about suicide. You have to believe life can get better if you have the right attitude to make it better. Trust me I know, I was a hopeless junkie at times in my life and thought I would be better off dead. But then something happened, I asked God for help and he gave me a small, but critical perception tweak. I began feeling thankful for all I had and the possibilities open to me. I started making a plan that I could work and that would lead me to a promising career, and then a family, kids, my own home etc. Because of my perception being changed all of a sudden I wanted to put down the video game controller and go for a jog/lift weights. Instead of drinking alcohol I started taking vitamins everyday and eating healthier. My point is this, once God gave me a purpose for my life EVERYTHING changed. I needed the Lords help to find a purpose, others don't. But don't go another day without thinking about the purpose of your life and what you truly want to achieve with your time here on earth. 'Once I was blind, but now I see.'

We will always be here for you, we care about you, and we only want to see you happy, joyous and free. And so does God.
 
It's true that you're absolutely not alone in feeling alone and isolated from the world. I'm a 19 year-old girl myself and I experience many of the exact same feelings as you, albeit not for the same reasons. I understand things must feel incredibly overwhelming right now but you should try to look at them one at a time. Don't try to solve everything at once.

There's some sort of stereotype about the teenage years being the best of our lives but from my impressions that's bullshit. For so many people, being a teenager just means having to deal with new responsibilities, with changes, both internal and external, with new desires and thoughts...it's overwhelming. Lots of people in their 20s and 30s have assured me that it really does get better. You're not missing out on the best years of your life. Maybe you feel like you've established some sort of irreversible pattern so you're not really trying to get out of it because you don't think it's possible?
It's never too late to make small but important improvements in your life. Start with the little things, like try socializing with a new person every week, or something.

Yes, suicide is so very tempting sometimes, but there are also tiny moments in life that make you realize it's actually worth living. You're still so young and you have no idea what the future holds in store for you. It would be a shame to deprive yourself of what could be an incredible surprise that will have made it all worth it.
 
choco1ate said:
is there an age where one doesnt have their entire life ahead of them? and if so is suicide acceptable at that point?
Click to expand...

It's just a figure of speech...you've got more time to do a billion different things with your life if you're 18 rather than 80. More time to have so many adventures she might miss out on if she lets her past take over.

OP - as I mentioned earlier I've been in your position many, many times, but you do come to realize all the amazing things that really are worth hanging on for. For example, a couple months ago I got to see the remaining members of Led Zeppelin stand right next to me, which has been an absolute dream for years, definitely one of the happiest moments of my life so far. If my suicide attempts had succeeded, I would never have been able to experience that. Next year it so happens I might be able to spend six months in Sydney. I might be able to go to the other end of the world, I would never have imagined this, say, last year. My point is that you really don't know what lies ahead of you. If you end it all, you could be (and most likely would be) missing out on the best moment of your life. Life is tough and there's a lot of horrible shit to deal with, trust me, I know, but some things really are worth staying here for. Please don't give up.

Also, altough it might be tough, you can try to see how you've become a better person due to all the hard stuff that's happened to you. I was just talking about this with a friend earlier on tonight, actually. For instance I know that my past experiences which led me to attempting suicide a few times have made me a much more mature and compassionate person and I like to think I'm now more able to help others than if I'd had a perfectly happy life so far. I'm not saying that makes up or compensates for all the shit, but it is nice to look at it that way.
 
Suicide is rarely if ever the answer!! Its not worth it in the end, you will only be leaving loved ones behind to live in anguish and sorrow. Believe me, I've attempted suicide and when it didn't work, I took it to mean i had a greater purpose in life. Boy am I glad that I lived!!! Trust me, you will be glad you live also.. If you need someone to talk to feel free to pm me
 
I'm trying hard to remember how it felt to be 18, and how time moved at a different speed back then cos TBH I'm thinking 4 months? Why, that would be gone in the blink of an eye these days. New Year's just been and gone and I was like, how can it possibly be 12 months already since the last one? Time does change as you get older, but you know what? It's not so different that 4 months at 18 is like an absolute lifetime. I'm not being dismissive here, honestly, but is it really such a long time as to be absolutely insurmountable? Is it so bad that suicide could ever, ever be a reasonable reaction when faced with it? Hell no! 16 weeks Siamooshkeleh, that might be full of unremitting boredom, sure, and yes, even loneliness but how worth it will those 16 weeks be in the end? It's 16 weeks spent moving towards a goal that can, and probably will be life changing. Even if it takes you longer than those 16 weeks to get to uni hold on, struggle through. It will pass faster than you think, trust me. My late teens, even my 20s went waaaaay too fast for me let me tell you, I wish now I'd had more of them.

Far as your lecturer having none of it goes, is it absolutely their final say, and theirs alone? Every college I've ever been to has had procedures in place for retakes, etc. Here in the UK FE colleges will do everything they can to get you through a course with a passing grade cos their funding next year depends on their results. Speak to your college counselling service. I'd be stunned if they didn't have one. Enlist their support, talk about your issues, lay it on thick if you have to. Get them to help you with your approach and change this lecturer's mind, and get them to follow whatever resit procedures the college has in place. This problem is not nearly as insurmountable as you think I'm sure. Make sure you've explored every possible avenue before chucking in the towel because that truly would be irrational, and needless. And if having done all that you still can't get the resit, muddle on, and find something to do that will make the time out of college more bearable if the time in college is so crap. Things can be done. That will bring you the rewards you seek once you're done and in uni.

Good luck!
 
Kcwhite said:
Suicide is rarely if ever the answer!!
Click to expand...

The ONLY time suicide is even a possible answer is in the case of someone with a terminal illness, who is ready and willing to die, and comes to peace with his family, etc.

Anyways, to the OP: Been there and done this. Except I didn't have near the good outcome you've had. My "situation" started in Middle School, I was always the quiet guy unless I was just with my friends, then i'll be the most outgoing guy you've ever met. I started fucking off in 7th grade, I went from Straight A's at the end of 6th Grade to straight F's by the end of the 1st Semester in 7th grade. I wasn't even doing drugs, smoking, drinking, or anything you'd think someone who makes that drastic leap in grades. I just wanted to be one of the "cool kids" and started goofing off, doing whatever I thought people wanted to see me do. Fast Forward to 9th grade, I got high for the first time, I hated it. I told myself i'd never do X/Coke/etc. and didn't for a long time, that whole year. Failed 9th grade, 2nd year, I went ahead and just stopped having any limitations on what I would or wouldn't do. Tried Coke, X, Shrooms, Meth, Oxy, Heroin and some other shit I suppose this year. Age 16 I think? Anyways, just to jump ahead, I end up dropping out of High School and got hooked on Oxy after I had MRSA in my foot that almost killed me, was on oxy for a long time, snorting em. Started shooting, then started shooting heroin. All the while no one really suspects anything, you really couldn't tell except the usual long sleeves. I got my GED during this time, and enrolled in college and kicked the habit for a little while. Relapsed 6 month laters, dropped out of HS, caught some felonies, went to prison, and all the fun shit you get when you're an addict. Had a couple friends diagnosed with Hep C and one friend has HIV. More than a couple friends are dead from overdoses. I finally got off the shit and realized I couldn't drink or anything or I would be right back in the same position. I'm currently a year or so away from my Bachelors in Science (Computer Science) and already have a job offer from Hewlett-Packard, even with felonies.

What i'm trying to say is even though your situation may grim where you're at now, you'll never know what's in the future if you never give your life a chance. I know right now it may seem like a good idea or decent idea, that you may be helping others by causing them less pain or your situation is so hopeless that you can't take it anymore. It's not, trust me. How can we know happiness if we never feel sadness? And you won't cause your family/boyfriend/friends any LESS pain by doing it, you'll cause them way more problems and grief and pain. I hope this helps even a little to see people who have been through situations where they felt completely hopeless and often questioned the point of being alive anymore, there's always a point, if only to work to better the situation that put you in that mind state to begin with.

If you want to talk about whatever, don't hesitate to PM me.
 
philosophically, I accept and respect suicide as a decision; it's your life, it's your choice. However, since there's no way back, it is not to be taken lightly at all. I believe most people focus only on the problems, ignoring the things they love in life. And even if they do like and love many things, the mind starts projecting negative thoughts so in the end the person is afraid to even try to go after what he/she likes doing. And if we look at those negative thoughts closely, they have nothing to do with just us, but they're all about how we relate to others .

For whatever reason most people start from a point of view and state of mind in which the way they relate to others is fundamentally faulty (eg human relationships are viewed through a lens of comparison, competition, judgement, exploitation etc). This starting point conditions the mind to always project negative thoughts. The mind is "neutral" and there is nothing wrong with it, it's just its condition. All those negative thoughts strangulate any kind of interest, dream, hope, contentment. Eventually what remains is only despair, self-loathing, misery. Within this context, suicide seems an appropriate solution all right, but isn't it worthy to back-trace the misery to its source instead of taking it for granted? Here's a quick test, let's start with the question "is there anything that I love doing?". Now let's make it more specific:

-is there anything that I love doing if I stop caring about what people think about it?
-is there anything that I love doing if I stop caring about whether it's successful or not?
-is there anything that I love doing if I stop caring about whether people acknowledge me for it or not?
-is there anything that I love doing so much that my focus is given entirely to the action and not thinking about the results?
-is there anything that I love doing that I would still be doing even if I were the only person on earth?

What do all these questions show? What if happiness is a choice? Would you rather wait until your last breath to realize this or consider it now?

"Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice."
http://www.inspirationandchai.com/Regrets-of-the-Dying.html
 
The ones who are put through the hardest trials,are for sure the most important...You're being trained for something big sweetheart...Don't fail...Asain with a fierce face...That's just what I'm into;)I know that your race pushes harder for achievement,it's not a sterotype,but you cannot let school be the ruler of your existence...It's important,but not worth letting it eat at you...I could be cliche and tell you you'll be fine,but it's up to you...Please don't ruin the reason you're alive...Who knows what lives are involved...
 
zen_donkey said:
philosophically, I accept and respect suicide as a decision; it's your life, it's your choice. However, since there's no way back, it is not to be taken lightly at all. I believe most people focus only on the problems, ignoring the things they love in life. And even if they do like and love many things, the mind starts projecting negative thoughts so in the end the person is afraid to even try to go after what he/she likes doing. And if we look at those negative thoughts closely, they have nothing to do with just us, but they're all about how we relate to others .

For whatever reason most people start from a point of view and state of mind in which the way they relate to others is fundamentally faulty (eg human relationships are viewed through a lens of comparison, competition, judgement, exploitation etc). This starting point conditions the mind to always project negative thoughts. The mind is "neutral" and there is nothing wrong with it, it's just its condition. All those negative thoughts strangulate any kind of interest, dream, hope, contentment. Eventually what remains is only despair, self-loathing, misery. Within this context, suicide seems an appropriate solution all right, but isn't it worthy to back-trace the misery to its source instead of taking it for granted? Here's a quick test, let's start with the question "is there anything that I love doing?". Now let's make it more specific:

-is there anything that I love doing if I stop caring about what people think about it?
-is there anything that I love doing if I stop caring about whether it's successful or not?
-is there anything that I love doing if I stop caring about whether people acknowledge me for it or not?
-is there anything that I love doing so much that my focus is given entirely to the action and not thinking about the results?
-is there anything that I love doing that I would still be doing even if I were the only person on earth?

What do all these questions show? What if happiness is a choice? Would you rather wait until your last breath to realize this or consider it now?

"Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice."
http://www.inspirationandchai.com/Regrets-of-the-Dying.html
Click to expand...

This is a scary test. I took it and failed it. What if the answer to all these questions is no?
 
^Try new things and you could very well find what it is that you love to do. Also, give yourself some time and answer the questions again. I find that when I'm in a negative mindset, I'm more likely to look at a lot of things negatively. A little bit of time working on yourself and finding your passions can really go a long way even if things feel hopeless now. Change is a constant part of life and having faith that things will change in my favor has gotten me through really difficult times.

OP, please update us if you see this post. <3
 
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