Suicide (catching the final train)

[hunter1]

Hi,
Been on this forum off/ on for many years.

I truly am done and want to die. This is not a fleeting moment of depression or the result of a drug comedown of any sort.

Now, before I get the "things will get better, wait and see" nonsense and the find god ect crap believe me I'm done.

Let me dispell all this positive thinking crap.

I am 31. I have had major depressive disorder for 8 years. I have no family and 0 friends. I have no job, no work history for the last 5 years. I stopped all drugs and alcohol and got fit again all to no avail in the last 6 months.
I live alone in a house paid for by my dad. The only people I speak to are a psych and a centrelink worker.
I once had a great life and a close friendship group that I pushed away after my mothers death.

It's been 3 years of Groundhog Day and I'm done. I enjoy nothing. I cannot get employment and am an embarrassment to myself.

I used to smoke small amounts of marijuana and exstacy but lost contacts with these and haven't been able to find anyone to buy from in melbourne. These were the only things that gave me hope in life.

I've tried aa/NA. Tried abstinence but the reality is that some people have to be statistics and I know I am one.

It's unfortunate there is no suicide pill.

Are there any other easy ways of doing this without bridge jumping?

Also, I went to a private school, have a BA was bought up in a wealthy loving home. My point is that there are those even bought up well and whose parents did all the right things but still end up begging to die

 

[adam west]

hunter, i dont mean to come across as harsh but why exactly are you contemplating suicide, just because of groundhog day as you put it?
it seems a shame to end it all because of a stale life

 

[SixStrongLines]

if you end it now, then its done, and this is how you will leave this world but if you choose life, then at least the potential exists to make changes.. you know.. reinvent yourself

 

[Captain.Heroin]

I have a few suggestions/questions for you.

1) Have you ever considered moving outside of Australia? There's a whole world out there, and I can guarantee you there are plenty of fun and exciting things that you haven't even gotten to experience first hand yet.

2) I was going to direct you to a post I wrote about my philosophical beliefs regarding suicide, but the search engine is severely fucking up so I'm unable to find that post for you. If I can find it later I'll link you.

3) You mention being unable to find marijuana. I'm not going to encourage you to use it, but the way you wrote your post, it seems you are indicating that it helped you with your desire to keep living. Am I wrong there? If it helps, I strongly suggest moving to a state where you can use it in a medicinal fashion. It's better to use medicine and keep living.

4) It would be against the rules to indicate other means of committing suicide. But please don't jump off a bridge, drowning in water is one of the most painful ways to die!

5) I am not familiar with the economy where you live, but how hard have you tried looking for work? The economy where I live is great; I got the first job I applied for here. My point in asking, is that if the economy is really bad and you've applied dozens of times to no avail, I'd move for sure. If you haven't tried looking for jobs, then go for it! You'll likely make a group of new friends working, and it'll give you a lot to be proud about.

I mean, think of it as this way, you have the rest of your life to yourself, why wouldn't you do whatever you feel it'll take to get what you want? It would be worth it to try for whatever you want in life, instead of killing yourself at an early age.

Finally, I am so sorry that your mother passed away. You can always PM me if you want to talk.

 

[Stevenski]

Are there any other easy ways of doing this without bridge jumping?

Plenty hunter but don't look to me for ideas. Good thing the West Gate has those suicide barriers now. I do not advocate suicide unless you are terminally ill. That said I have been there done that & got the tshirt & if you ever need to talk to a local PM me.

 

[mallocup]

I have a few suggestions/questions for you.

1) Have you ever considered moving outside of Australia? There's a whole world out there, and I can guarantee you there are plenty of fun and exciting things that you haven't even gotten to experience first hand yet.

Finally, I am so sorry that your mother passed away. You can always PM me if you want to talk.

this. choose to live dude..

 

[herbavore]

Hi,
Been on this forum off/ on for many years.

I truly am done and want to die. This is not a fleeting moment of depression or the result of a drug comedown of any sort.

Now, before I get the "things will get better, wait and see" nonsense and the find god ect crap believe me I'm done.

Let me dispell all this positive thinking crap.

I know that when you are depressed, especially when you have been so for years, that positive thinking can seem like a joke, but it is really no different from negative thinking. Neither are crap. They are simply two opposing ways to look at the same thing: existence. For the longest time, I did not understand that there was a choice. In my darkest times (and there have been many) I thought that I saw darkness because that was reality. And I was, of course, correct. The world is full of suffering. There is no fairness. Horrors are visited on people arbitrarily, whether it is war or mental illness or physical pain or poverty or addiction. It all exists and it is all reality. The longer I lived and the more cultures I lived in, however, changed my view of things. There was one point in my life when I lived in a third world country (Nigeria) and went to a boarding school in Europe. I would get on a plane and fly from the worst poverty imaginable to wealth beyond imagining and then back again. It was educational in that I began to see people as choosing misery or peace as the state they lived in internally, regardless of their circumstances. I met miserable people with everything they needed provided to them and I met happy people who not only had little but were constantly oppressed and denied the most basic human rights; and vice versa. I wanted the peace I saw in those who had it and I studied those people. It still remained elusive to me for many years. There were long periods of time when I felt , as you expressed so well, that I was doomed to being a person that saw death as a comfort, a release from pain. The change came about for me so subtly that for a long time I barely noticed it. The little moments of joy, of connection to nature, connection to music, to art, to animals, to another human being began to assert themselves as far more worthy of my attention than the moments of despair. I realized that perspective was malleable. I had a choice in what I could give my attention to. I don't think it is by chance that this also coincided with me getting to know some elderly people in my life outside of my family. There is incredible wisdom to be found when you can step out of the dog-eat-dog world of your peers.

Remember how the world seemed as a very young child? Before you knew that you had to be something, or create meaning or any of the other things we adults grapple with. It was a world of constant discovery and interest and fascination was our guide. Maybe you need to turn from the world of people for a while and seek out what the rest of the planet has to offer. Maybe you just need to change the experience you have with people and get out of your home country and try throwing yourself into service for people who are simply struggling to live. I don't know what you need and I would never presume to tell you, but I do know that despair gives us such a narrow view of life and radically getting out of the comfort zone we have unconsciously constructed for ourselves is the best thing to do.

What caused you to push your friends away after your mother's death? Was it depression? Maybe you have not been able to grieve that death adequately. I recently lost my son to his own despair and I know that deep grief like that can kill you or it can split the world open and give you a new perspective. Buddhism has helped me a lot. Not trying to deny feelings that terrify me has also helped.

I am sorry that you are feeling so low. Sometimes I feel like the way depression compounds itself is one of the worst tortures. It can be healed, but not without effort and hope. I think of it like being out in the ocean swimming when you feel yourself getting pulled out to sea. Your face is always in the water except when you turn to draw in that quick breath of air just to put your face back underwater and keep struggling. It can be exhausting and your entire focus is to just keep swimming. But there is always another possibility. You can stop. You can flip yourself over and float on your back. Breathe slowly, let the current take you until you regain some strength, relax and look at the sky, feel yourself breathe.When you are rested, feel your confidence and reason return and set a course, knowing that rest is always there, that the ocean that you are struggling against is also capable of holding you without effort. You don't need to die to experience that. Everything you want from death is already available but you have to step outside your thoughts sometimes to experience it.

I hope that this doesn't piss you off. I don't mean it as a lecture. I truly believe it and it is born of experience. Nature is your best bet. Try to figure out a way to make that connection first and then build from there. If you look at what you are experiencing now (and for the last eight years) as a teacher trying to teach you a very complex lesson, rather than any failure or lack of ability on your part, maybe that would help you to set something new in motion. Much love. I know it isn't easy to be where you are.

 

[4evrLkn]

So you have a degree, a father that cares for you, and at least ambition to look for a job. I know it can be depressing when nothing seems to go right or 'your' way for a long time. I've been there, I'm older than you and have had quite a few bad years in a row.

You probably don't want to hear it, but it sounds like you're Intelligent(you have a degree, and you write well.) so you should know that suicide would only be the easy way out, and once you get through this long drought it will make you a Better person in the long run. I know it seems impossible now, but you will manage to find your niche in life!

Just try and keep your head out of the negative thoughts, an keep plugging away and looking for work, that's what helped me was finding a job, and working everyday, and then one thing led to another, I met a girl, got a promotion, found a home, etc...
So if you need anything or to talk you can always PM me as well.

 

[BurroughsTheCat]

i think the fact you are on here, talking about this means you are not ready to exit the world yet. You are reaching out. and we are here for you. I have been just plain lucky that my 1 serious, tell nobody, plan it properly suicide attempt failed due to bad timing, and its not as if i suddenly 'saw the light' after i woke up from it and changed...far from it...but I am telling you now it is never too late to fix it...it's never to late to fix you. And you might be a total write off in your eyes, but there are people here that give a damn and that worry when they don't see a reply. There are people with kind words and sensible words and funny words. People are here to help and you are worth helping. You have done a brave thing by saying this out loud.
It's never too late in life to find happiness but it will be too late if you die. The bleakest moments in my life had me almost crying when someone would smile at me giving me change in a shop at the checkout because i felt too unworthy of it...but those smiles and things like it kept me going long enough to get the dark cloud over me under control.
take care mate and feel free to PM me if you need to talk.

 

[Fresco]

Hunter1, you need to start reading books on Law of Attraction. It will be a life-changer for you, I guarantee it

 

[yonkers]

<snip> Sounds to me that you have it made, i wish my dad would buy me a house, he wont even let me live with him and i just recently turned 18. Live a little before you decide to kill yourself FOR GOOD, and theres NO TURNING BACK. Who knows what will happen if you end your life, some say you will go straight to hell, who knows if that is true, but seriously think about this hard and long. The after life may be 10x worse then your life right now.

 

[Mysterie]

i can relate to a lot of what you said, major depressive disorder, alone

im convinced from what ive read that you are so sad because you dont go out of your comfort zone enough

what kind of jobs are you going for? suck up your pride and try work at subway or something, everyone has to start somewhere and i dont look down on people that are improving themselves

through a job you might make some friends and get a better perspective on life/validate your own essense which will in turn boost your self-confidence which may attract a female!

melbourne is the drug capital of australia, if you cant find weed through people you know your not trying hard enough!

I live alone in a house paid for by my dad.

^ this highlights to me the comfort zone thought, you need to do something drastic to get out of your shell, and not rely on mum and dad to pick up the pieces because a big part of life is experiencing the suffering and heartbreak and learning to move forward through it without using money etc to assist

DONT JUMP OFF THA BRIDGE BRA

 

[hunter1]

Wow!

Never Did I expect to see so many replies. So many different ideas/ideals and thoughts mentioned above. Much appreciated.

Someone mentioned the "House paid by your dad, get out of your confort Zone ect" which is a really valid point. Compared to a hell of a lot of people I have things really good. I know this. Self awareness with depression i've found to be a double edged sword.

"Get out and do something.... work at Subway ect" is a sensible suggestion.

"Move somewhere where you can smoke the odd spliff ect...".

In order to explain the reasons and issues why these "simple" things just are not realistic I would have to write an enormous back story that even the cliff note version would be too long for a blog. I know when i read through these pages I skip the enormous long slabs of dialogue.

I'll try a few staggered precis writings

 

[hunter1]

Ok...

Capt Heroin... I live in Australia. Possibly the biggest nanny state in the world. Moving within this country would not help. In regards to travel oversees. I have done that for a few months but in terms of relocating to somewhere else it is near impossible full time. Those asian fun countries you only get a 30 day visa and then you can border hop for a while and come back until they eventually refuse entry. I have 2 dogs which is a major barrier to moving anywhere. I don't have the heart to just get them put down and the chances of finding them homes would be a long most probably unsucessful process that would end in me having to leave them at the local animal hospital.

When you don't have the motivation to even eat or shower during the day, the prospect of organizing placing 2 dogs, advertising and selling your car that you owe 30K on and finding a place for you to store all your crap it's just beyond the scope of do able ness. 10 years ago I would have been able to do this but... when the shine has been taken off everything and nothing you do makes any difference you fucked and ya give up.

I don't mean any of that in a negative way to you at all. Thanks for taking the time to reply

I'm sure people can relate to the pill/drug overdose suicide intention and then waking up and realizing that you can't even fucking do that properly

 

[hunter1]

Couple of people mentioned if you cant find gear your not trying hard enough. It's a good point but if your depression is severe enough and your previous drug connections don't exist anymore you have no idea how to go about doing this. It's not the US or the UK here. There is not dealers out on the streets (or if there is I don't have a clue where to start). It's who you know and if you know no one your fucked.

Can't imagine walking through Richmond asking "You got weed, You got XTC, you got anything? I'd get stabbed

 

[RobotRipping]

i bet if you worked in the restaurant industry (even the worst job imaginable) you'd find friends, tons of cannabis and other good things like personal connections. If you don't change how you're doing things then nothing will change. You have to force that shit into action. You could just go talk to random people and eventually make a friend who knows a guy that you can buy a few grams off of, but getting a job is much easier IME.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

In regards to travel oversees. I have done that for a few months but in terms of relocating to somewhere else it is near impossible full time. Those asian fun countries you only get a 30 day visa and then you can border hop for a while and come back until they eventually refuse entry. I have 2 dogs which is a major barrier to moving anywhere. I don't have the heart to just get them put down and the chances of finding them homes would be a long most probably unsucessful process that would end in me having to leave them at the local animal hospital.

You can always try to find another loving home for your pets just in case you are able to move out of Australia.

Why is leaving Australia so hard? Is it one of those countries that likes to make its citizens stay a citizen and not move away?

I know in the United States you are free to leave if you have your documents and what not, but a lot of people choose to stay here (which is beyond me considering how a majority of the United States sucks).

I have never visited Australia so I wouldn't know what is preventing you from moving, but if that's something you are passionate about (the right to leave the country without jumping through an obscene amount of hoops), then why not campaign to be able to change the laws regarding emigration?

 

[Mariposa]

You have much for which to live, mate.

If you do not presently have a job, there are many jobs for which you would be well-suited. What did you study?

I urge you not to take your own life. I have thought about it, but never have I made an attempt. I am 32, in the process of study on a graduate level, I work for my family, and I look at my life as gratefully as possible. I have found what some would consider lucky breaks, but in reality, it was my own efforts that made my accomplishments, matter. I wish to continue to live and thrive rather than obsess of my own nonexistence. I go to therapy, exercise, and although I become sad at times, I have somehow managed to avoid the grim reaper.

I find comfort in doing good deeds for myself and others. I also consider suicide as murder, and I could not murder.

I urge you to find the same comfort. Don't give up.