Suicidal,Addiction, No Hope Please Help!

[jadefox]

Hello my name is Brandon and I am 24 years old and live in Los Angeles, California....I started smoking weed at the age of 10 with the neighborhood crew, dispensaries were popping up on every street corner so weed was as easy to buy as a candy bar even at age 10 I assure you....Anyways by the age of 14 weed wasn't doing the trick for me anymore I wasn't getting high at all after 4 years of smoking it and 2 years of everyday a gram a day habbit...So I soon dabbled with prescription painkillers...It started with vicodin...then to norcos...then to Percocet...then to roxi...then to oxy... and by age 16 I had a severe addiction to opiates....I was spending anywhere from 50-100$ a day just to feel normal....not high.....A friend at the time realized I was spending so much money on oxys that he brought me on to heroine...(Real friend huh... >.<) Anyways So at age 16 I switched to heroine...I jumped from oxys to heroine back and forth until about age 17 where I was fully addicted to heroine and oxys no longer did anything at all nothing nada...To go back a little on the time-line I met a girl at the age of 14 we were the same age...We fell in-love instantly...It was amazing love notes, cute pictures, cuddling under the night stars on a blanket...Anyway we stayed together and moved in together when I was about 18....the whole time she NEVER knew about my addiction ...She smoked weed heavily so I would smoke with her to pretend like the heroine effects were from weed instead and she bought it for years never knew a thing....then fast forward to age 24.....we are still in-love but I caught her sleeping with another guy....I went crazyyy I smoked so much heroine that night I am surprised I didn't die....Well anyways I forgave her..because I loved her so much and she told me it was a mistake she wasn't thinking and she really loved me and didn't care for him and told me it was him who made the first move she was blinded by being horny...Anyway I forgave her things were back to normal...then she randomly broke up with me out of the blue ...her reason was she couldn't stand being a bitch to me all the time and hurting my feelings ( Yea she was a bitch we dated for years I was used to that it didn't bother me I laughed it off because I loved her) But she was really serious she said it was time to end things completely because our relationship was unhealthy because the way she treated me so cruely (Mind you I treated her like a princess catered to her every need) So I was soo upset I fell into deep depression.....I started smoking 1-1.5 grams a day just to get so high I would forget the love of my life left me....I moved back in with my parents since my ex-fiancé and I had lived together alone for years....I was getting so high to numb the pain and to be in my own personal la-la-land....But I soon got fired at work because they said I was "High as hell" And I worked in a machine shop and they told me they can't have people being high and operating there machinery... I had worked there fine for years high on heroine and even got promotion and raises while being high on heroine everyday...I don't understand why they fired me they had no proof I was high I always showed up on time and did above and beyond my assigned work...anyways...I eventually used up my last paycheck from work on heroine and cigarettes....I got to a point where I had no money..I started stealing from my family...and friends....they soon caught on and disowned me ...I lost the support of my family...my sober good friends....and I lost the love of my life(not because of heroine)....So I had no money...then I found my ex-fiancés debit card!!!! I knew the pin number! I withdrew 200$ and bought dope...She soon realized the charges and cussed me out...I gave her the debit card back and sold my laptop at a local pawnshop to pay her back....Although I payed her back right away she hates me to this day....Or does she hate herself for cheating on me and treating me horrible all those years we were together.....So the time came no money...no support from friends/family...Everyday my parents told me I needed to move out....This was a few weeks ago the debit card, the break up, and the lost job.... I had nothing I lost all hope...I was crying everynight I couldn't sleep...I went into this forrest planning to kill myself just hoping that if I did end my life I would be able to be with my ex-fiancé in heaven embracing oneanother for eternity.. While I had the gun in my mouth I saw this White Owl fly 10 feet away from me on a tree branch....Everytime I was about to pull the trigger it would make it's owl noise and flap it's wings....this happened multiple times...I finally realized this way a sign the owl did not want me to end my life.....I got in my car and drove home with the sun-roof opened I watched the stars and above the trees was the owl following me all the way until the main road....If that owl wasn't there that night I may have killed myself.....So now I am back home....I am on day 2 of no heroine....I used 1 suboxone 8mg strip in my mouth.. It did not help at all...maybe maybe the WD's 10% less...The body aches were serve and the depression and anxiety were still there and the urge to get high was deinfetly still there....So I have 3 subs left 8mg strips...and 6 Xanax bars 2mg left....I want to be able to get clean off dope but I have no money for any other remidies this is all I have... 3sub...6 Xanax.... I took a 2mg dose of Xanax today to help with the anxiety depression of losing the love of my life and having no hope...It barely helped all it did was reduce anxiety maybe 10% same as the suboxone ...I have severe WD symptons...Restless Leg...Body Aches(Unbearable) Mental to still want to get high.... I know I should up my dose but I only have so much and want to make it last...I've tried water, vitamins, soup, ibuprofen, naproxen, Xanax, suboxone, nothing is really helping ... I am on day 2 of being sober...30th hour is right now...2:00 AM Friday August 13th....I cant go to rehab/detox/pyschward/hopstial.. those will only make my depression and anxiety go through the roof. I can't socialize without opiates...When I do take opiates I am a social butterfly without them I cant even say a word outloud to myself.... So please help any suggestions. ive lost all hope I have nothing ..no support from family/friends....I lost the love of my life (pretty sure she is seeing someone after a week of us break up so all that shit about breaking up because she doesn't want to hurt my feelings is bullshit) I have no one to turn to the only thing to keep my mind off the WD's is World of Warcraft, T.V. and hot baths and reading...other than that I have nothing to help me....So I am starting day 2 right now...How soon will it get better...I want to start a new life fresh..I want to gain my relationship with my family and friends back...they hate me they tell me I need to move out everyday they don't understand addiction and withdrawls they wanted to call the cops on me when they found out I stole money from them instead of trying to get me help....So if you have anything to help me anything at all please feel free to post this ...and sorry about spelling issues I have been crying uncontroably the whole time typing this...

 

[jadefox]

Bump, Please help! Any advice is better then nothing!

 

[legalizeall]

your story really touched me man. ive been in a similar situation and one thing i figured out was there werent enough drugs in the world to mask the pain i was going thru. We think it will help cause were used to it but it almost just makes it worse. If you wanna get clean i think distractions is what you need. Try and do something nice for yourself. Treat yourself to something nice cause you deserve it. Fuck this girl man. In the long run she was no good for you dont you think.

Remember your experience with the owl man. I believe in shit like that and its no coincidence it happened. Which also should tell you that your here for a fuckin reason and its not to blow your brains out in the forest. Go find your purpose here and show that bitch what she missed out on.

I know its not what you want to hear but one of the only things that works is time man. The gift of time. It will heal everything. Good luck buddy

 

[jadefox]

Thank you so much just reading what you had to say put me in tears instantly and I am not that type of person to cry at all. I feel so helpless but at least what you said has given me an ounce of hope so prove everyone who has looked down on me wrong. To rise above and be successful to show the world I am not a weak drug addict that I can be more successful then anyone of my friends and especially my ex-fiancé. I hate her so much for cheating and leaving me but at the time same time I love her so much because that's all I know..She is all I know...Living with her for years, waking up next to her is the only life I've known for years. Now everything has come to a stop. I have NOTHING literally nothing to show for the years I have been alive. But thank you for putting the time into this and replying man it really means a lot. Time heals all is what I've heard and you have just reminded me of the greatest gift of all. Thank you very much bud

 

[jadefox]

bump for more help please :[

 

[Cliffy78]

Big jade what's up brother. Damn dude I wish you didn't have to go through all this bullshit man.
I think a lot of us here have been through something a lot like your going through right now, lord knows I have.
You gotta just push through these shit times bro, you'll be a better person for it. That chick is poisen bro, believe it or not she would've hurt you much worse if you stayed together. People have a way of showing their true colors over time so look at it as a blessing in disguise bro. What goes around comes around, I promise you. Her life will be empty in the end. You will live and become a better person.
Throughout all of our lives were faced with difficult challenges, it's what we do during these times that will shape our futures. You can hide in drugs or you can just move on and make good shit happen.
She's your first love and you'll never forget her, but you gotta move on. Don't let this chick win by killing urself dude! You seem like a decent dude with a good heart and a lot of chicks don't know how to deal with that. They end up in loveless relationships with a tribe of kids and they get cheated on by every dude they get with, what goes around comes around, that's just how it goes.
I think this is your first detox so it'll probably only last 4-5 days and then you'll be brand new, just stick with it bro. Right now your at the bottom of the pit dude, love lost and detoxing at the same time, that's fuckin rough man. It's only temporary though but u gotta make it through this.
Fuck everybody dude, you gotta be down for you cause no one else in this world is. Get through this and take steps to improve yourself, school, new job, do a lot of reading and pass time, it'll help you get closer to yourself. You gotta love yourself though, I know it's hard but your at the right age to start making positive changes.
I understand why you think the subs will help u but I think your just extending the torture of wd by using them. If u cold Turkey it it'll take a few days to get better, but if u use the subs your looking at like 2weeks til your a bit better. I totally understand though bro I'm on opiates too so I know the wd all to well.
The loss of a first love is absolutely life shattering, it's like this for everyone. A lot of people ruin their lives over it by doing any number of awful things to ourselves, prison, suicide, extreme drug use Etc etc.
Try to fix problems one at a time, first u gotta kick opiates, then when your clearheaded you can really start to figure out your relationship issues and get a new job or whatever u wanna do. Our brains expect us to fix everything straight away but were just not capable of that so try not to overload yourself, especially when dealing with wds. I still love my first love and that was 22years ago, it never goes away totally but the pain fades, I promise. All u can do is carry on. Don't get lost in the drugs dude, just kick now while u can and get on with your life. Everyone says u need family/friends, that's bullshit dude. All u need is u, the wd is making u feel weak right now but that's just the drugs talking. Once your through the wd you'll realize how strong u actually are. You've been hiding and covering up pain and insecurities with the drugs for awhile now so u just gotta learn what it is to be you again, once u do that you'll realize that life goes on and everything happens for a reason brother... Stay strong, stay safe and just live well dude, that's always the most rewarding revenge,..

 

[jadefox]

Cliffy78...thanks man that means a lot, You are right..If we stayed together longer down the line we would of got married and had kids...If she cheated/fucked me over that far down the line it would of be 100% worse..Thanks for your time and your thoughts my man. I hope you have overcome your struggles in life. Thanks again for the advice and yea fuck her she will be empty in the end ...begging me to take her back...but instead I will have moved on and found someone else who is loyal (hopefully)

 

[Cliffy78]

Sry bro I clicked reply before I was done typing.
You get it though bro! That's the right mindframe to be in. She'll end up miserable with her new cool ass boyfriend in jail or whatever with a bunch of kids going to spend her food stamps. You'll be well beyond her with a rightous chick making good money and taking care of business. You'll get it cause u worked hard and u deserve it and she'll get what she deserves. God has a funny way of evening everything out in the end...

 

[The Doc.]

I read your story and I feel for you bro I've been there too and without Suboxone I would be dead from the big H. Heroin is a plague man, stronger than any prescription drug and the addiction is much more real. I've seen it bring down so many good hard working people and turn them into shells of humans simply living to get their fix with nothing else on their mind. It destroyed my body my mind and told me that I wasn't good enough without the drug. I too would contemplate suicide every day. I used to do heroin every 2 hours to avoid withdrawals due to my fast metabolism and I couldn't even sleep more than 3 hours without waking up dopesick drenched in a pool of sweat, shivering cold, my sore legs would be flailing and I would cry wishing I would just die already to end this. If I didn't have dope to put me back to sleep I would lay there all night like this waiting to go to work feeling miserable. Every night I woke up at 2 am and 5 am sick as hell like clockwork it didn't matter that I always did a shot before bed I still got sick waking up in the middle of the night.
I wouldn't wish heroin addiction on my worst enemy it is by far one of the worst lifestyles a human can live. I praise you for wanting to end the cycle and if I were you I would try to focus on yourself getting healthy before any girls or even family. You need to do it for YOU nobody else this is the only way it will work put in your favour and you end up clean.

I agree with a lot of what my pal cliffy said well except about god giving us what we deserve I just don't/cant belive in that. I believe in life we all get what we get, it has nothing to do with what we deserve and there's nothing we can do about it.

You seem like a good hardworking individual and I'm sure if you work hard enough the sky is the limit.

I have a couple questions how long did you wait to take the Suboxone? If it didn't work right it usually means it was taken too early with sub the longer you wait to take it the better it works rather than just taking it at the first signs of withdrawal to avoid Precipitated withdrawal.

Also is the 8mgs all you have taken so far? That's a big dose mabye a little more would help but I don't going up higher in dose benefiting you very much.

Keep your head up I'll talk to you later my friend.

 

[jadefox]

Hello trainspotter thank you for all your support. it really means a lot. I have taken everything you guys have said and inscripted it inside my brain. Fuck that girl. fuck all my drug addicts friends its time to do ME. It is just hard dealing with detox WD and Losing the love of your life. Right now I just wokeup and took another Sub 8mg strip. I was waking up every hour covered in sweat and severe body aches again. Trainspotter to answer your question I last smoked .9 g of good heroine and waited 18 hours to take the Sub. I know its not Percipitated withdrawl it was not that bad. It just seemed to not do anything. The body aches were still there and the emotionally pain of wanting to high high was still there also. All the sub did was seem to make things 10-25% less then if I quit cold turkey. Which is better then nothing so that's why I just took another one right now when I wokeup. I am going on Day 2 right now somewhat 35~ hours. I hear day 2 is the hardest I surely could not sleep for shit and the sub has kinda kicked in and I feel a little better. If I feel like how I do right now then I think day 2 will be simple to get through. This is my first time detoxing so I hope it only lasts a 5-7 days at most.... I am afraid once im sober and clean that I will use again...The only friends I have are drug addicts....The only way I know of life for years on years is to be high....It will take time to make feeling sober normal but I am going to try my best...I might buy some norcos for the really tough days but I wont get addicted like I was before....I shouldn't even buy any norcos what am I saying FUCK THIS SHIT. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy as well. THank you both for your advice it truly has helped me I have had no one to turn to right now and all these years. I never told my ex-fiancé in fear she would judge/leave me. I never told my sober friends in the same fear they would disown me and I never told my parents until just 2 days ago when I told them I am detoxing and they just blew it off as its time for you to move out...When I lived in my own apartment since I was 18 and just recenetly moved back into my parents since I brokeup with my ex about 2 weeks ago. Whatever your right you don't need family you need yourself! Just reading this has given me motivation to be a better person to be strong inside. The only life I know is being high its time to rise up and make being sober the life I love! it will be hard as fuck....but I will try my best to get through it. I regret taking those vicodin at age 14......I had trouble talking to people at school I was shy but when I took opiates I was the center of attention and popular so maybe that's why I got addicted to them to fast mentally and then sure enough psychically ...Well thank you again you too for your thoughts it REALLY means more then you think...

 

[jadefox]

I have 2 subs left 8mg films, and 6 Xanax bars. I know the dose I am taking 8mg sub isn't doing much but I cant up the dose because I only have 2 left and I want to make them last on the worse of days....the Xanax is to stop me from crying/depression/ and to help me eat (barely anything)...this is the toughest thing I have ever gone through in my life..if I get through it then I will have enormous amounts of willpower and trust in myself. Day 2 35th~ Hour so far.....I will check in thank you for your advice ....When there was no one to turn to not one single person ...you BlueLighters have done so much for me more then I could express..I love you both man lol If I could I would give you a hug !

 

[jadefox]

I have a question for both of you Trainspotter and Cliffy.....Do you guys still use any kind of Opiates? Do you do H still? Are you completely sober?

 

[jadefox]

If anyone else has anything to add feel free the more support the better, don't think since trainspotter and clify already replied that you cant even if your response is basically the same. Please help

 

[jadefox]

Also the Suboxone has been giving me crazy migraines...I don't know fersure if its from the subs. but as soon as it kicks in about an hour after taking it a pulsing migraine/headache starts and doesn't stop for shit....fuck one thing after another huh.....I hope I don't kick in after this detox....I hope I have the strength to say no to opiates and to ignore those phonecalls from my drug addict friends...or should I say old friends....

 

[jadefox]

I just took 1 8mg Sub Film a few hours ago...then I took a Xanax 2mg bar an hour after the sub....I am almost through day 2 and I feel SOO much better. Idk if it was the euphoric music and playing video games at the same time to get my mind off things. But the mixture of the sub and Xanax has reduced my WD by 80%..! I will keep checking in everyday through my detox... The Xanax let me be able to eat now...and I am feeling a lot better then when I wokeup and took the sub....I hope day 3-5 get a lot better. I have 2 subs left I am doing to take 1 each day. So by day 5 I will be out of subs and Xanax...So lets hope by day 5 the WD symptoms have gone down a lot and I start to feel like a normal person. The support of this forum make me have the will power not to get high...I think I can stay completely sober off opiates for months ...I don't think I feel like I can!!! ty so much you blue lighters ^^^^^^

 

[legalizeall]

Dont think of it like you have to stay sober off opiates for months. Its too long to think about. I know its corny but just take things one moment to the next. I would hear the day at a time shit and i would think to myself, Fuck that, the day is too long. So what i did was break it down into increments. I would just say to myself, ok i just got to get through the morning, which was the hardest for me and then i would get through that and tell myself to just deal with the afternoon and so on. I wouldnt ever think about tomorrow. Soon the days just added up and i got more of a clear head and it got easier.

One thing dude, is this shit is no joke and the average person has no clue how tough it is to deal with this aspect of drugs. They just dont know. But when you get through it and on the other side, your gonna be a different person. You wont have that ball and chain directing your life. I dont know how it was for you but the opiates ruled my life. When i thought about that one day, i realized that they had total control over every single aspect of my life. There wasnt one thing that i did that the opiates were not involved with. Your thinking will be different, your moods, your approach to things and people. Your not the same person you are when your on shit compared to when your sober.

Remember to think about the things in your life your grateful for. Make a list if it helps. Also i like to be grateful for the things i dont have in life. Like not having bad health or family members with bad health, dealing with death of someone i love, i dont have to look for work cause i have a job, i dont have court cases etc.

Just take it easy on yourself and just take things as they come. Its easy to overwhelm yourself esp when you start feeling better. You wanna hurry up and fix everything but again time will take care of that. You just do the work and everything will come out. Its not easy but if it was, you know how that would be.

 

[jadefox]

thanks a lot Legalizeall ! your words really have given me a lot of hope! I am on day 4 and have not taken any Suboxone or any WD Remedies. Completely sober. I don't feel as well as I did on suboxone but I want to quit everything and get clean off just pure will power not remedies ! I have taken your advice and taken it morning, afternoon, evening. instead of thinking a day by day or month by month! It really has helped ty so much man!

 

[jadefox]

Hello just checking in I am starting Day 5!... I feel very good about myself. I actually threw away my suboxone....I don't feel as good as I did while on the Subs but I decided it was just prolonging the inevitable ... my w/d symptoms are starting to fade but the fatigue is still very high...and the PAWS come in waves....That's what I fear the most not being able to feel normal and have Paws for months......Ouch :,[ ..... Well just want to check in and thank EVERYONE again for the support it really has helped.

 

[herbavore]

Try to let go of the concept of normal and just let yourself feel whatever it is that you have to go through--it's all temporary anyway (even normal). Look at it this way: you are going to have the opportunity to face so many difficult feelings and to be able to put them in perspective. With compassion for yourself everything can look different. If you are feeling depressed you might say, "it makes sense. I have taken away all my crutches. It's new, this ability to feel without fleeing. I can give myself time to adjust to this without judging myself or my feelings."

I'm really glad to hear how positive you are feeling right now. Keep us posted. It's bound to be a bit of a rollercoaster so hang on.

 

[Exosphere]

I have relatives whose been in a similar situation, the key is to hang in there - but it most definitely sounds like you're headed down the right path, don't slow down. Oh, and remember to don't give in for for "friends" who intentionally support your abuse, you're better off without them! Take care, man.