jadefox
Greenlighter
Hello my name is Brandon and I am 24 years old and live in Los Angeles, California....I started smoking weed at the age of 10 with the neighborhood crew, dispensaries were popping up on every street corner so weed was as easy to buy as a candy bar even at age 10 I assure you....Anyways by the age of 14 weed wasn't doing the trick for me anymore I wasn't getting high at all after 4 years of smoking it and 2 years of everyday a gram a day habbit...So I soon dabbled with prescription painkillers...It started with vicodin...then to norcos...then to Percocet...then to roxi...then to oxy... and by age 16 I had a severe addiction to opiates....I was spending anywhere from 50-100$ a day just to feel normal....not high.....A friend at the time realized I was spending so much money on oxys that he brought me on to heroine...(Real friend huh... >.<) Anyways So at age 16 I switched to heroine...I jumped from oxys to heroine back and forth until about age 17 where I was fully addicted to heroine and oxys no longer did anything at all nothing nada...To go back a little on the time-line I met a girl at the age of 14 we were the same age...We fell in-love instantly...It was amazing love notes, cute pictures, cuddling under the night stars on a blanket...Anyway we stayed together and moved in together when I was about 18....the whole time she NEVER knew about my addiction ...She smoked weed heavily so I would smoke with her to pretend like the heroine effects were from weed instead and she bought it for years never knew a thing....then fast forward to age 24.....we are still in-love but I caught her sleeping with another guy....I went crazyyy I smoked so much heroine that night I am surprised I didn't die....Well anyways I forgave her..because I loved her so much and she told me it was a mistake she wasn't thinking and she really loved me and didn't care for him and told me it was him who made the first move she was blinded by being horny...Anyway I forgave her things were back to normal...then she randomly broke up with me out of the blue ...her reason was she couldn't stand being a bitch to me all the time and hurting my feelings ( Yea she was a bitch we dated for years I was used to that it didn't bother me I laughed it off because I loved her) But she was really serious she said it was time to end things completely because our relationship was unhealthy because the way she treated me so cruely (Mind you I treated her like a princess catered to her every need) So I was soo upset I fell into deep depression.....I started smoking 1-1.5 grams a day just to get so high I would forget the love of my life left me....I moved back in with my parents since my ex-fiancé and I had lived together alone for years....I was getting so high to numb the pain and to be in my own personal la-la-land....But I soon got fired at work because they said I was "High as hell" And I worked in a machine shop and they told me they can't have people being high and operating there machinery... I had worked there fine for years high on heroine and even got promotion and raises while being high on heroine everyday...I don't understand why they fired me they had no proof I was high I always showed up on time and did above and beyond my assigned work...anyways...I eventually used up my last paycheck from work on heroine and cigarettes....I got to a point where I had no money..I started stealing from my family...and friends....they soon caught on and disowned me ...I lost the support of my family...my sober good friends....and I lost the love of my life(not because of heroine)....So I had no money...then I found my ex-fiancés debit card!!!! I knew the pin number! I withdrew 200$ and bought dope...She soon realized the charges and cussed me out...I gave her the debit card back and sold my laptop at a local pawnshop to pay her back....Although I payed her back right away she hates me to this day....Or does she hate herself for cheating on me and treating me horrible all those years we were together.....So the time came no money...no support from friends/family...Everyday my parents told me I needed to move out....This was a few weeks ago the debit card, the break up, and the lost job.... I had nothing I lost all hope...I was crying everynight I couldn't sleep...I went into this forrest planning to kill myself just hoping that if I did end my life I would be able to be with my ex-fiancé in heaven embracing oneanother for eternity.. While I had the gun in my mouth I saw this White Owl fly 10 feet away from me on a tree branch....Everytime I was about to pull the trigger it would make it's owl noise and flap it's wings....this happened multiple times...I finally realized this way a sign the owl did not want me to end my life.....I got in my car and drove home with the sun-roof opened I watched the stars and above the trees was the owl following me all the way until the main road....If that owl wasn't there that night I may have killed myself.....So now I am back home....I am on day 2 of no heroine....I used 1 suboxone 8mg strip in my mouth.. It did not help at all...maybe maybe the WD's 10% less...The body aches were serve and the depression and anxiety were still there and the urge to get high was deinfetly still there....So I have 3 subs left 8mg strips...and 6 Xanax bars 2mg left....I want to be able to get clean off dope but I have no money for any other remidies this is all I have... 3sub...6 Xanax.... I took a 2mg dose of Xanax today to help with the anxiety depression of losing the love of my life and having no hope...It barely helped all it did was reduce anxiety maybe 10% same as the suboxone ...I have severe WD symptons...Restless Leg...Body Aches(Unbearable) Mental to still want to get high.... I know I should up my dose but I only have so much and want to make it last...I've tried water, vitamins, soup, ibuprofen, naproxen, Xanax, suboxone, nothing is really helping ... I am on day 2 of being sober...30th hour is right now...2:00 AM Friday August 13th....I cant go to rehab/detox/pyschward/hopstial.. those will only make my depression and anxiety go through the roof. I can't socialize without opiates...When I do take opiates I am a social butterfly without them I cant even say a word outloud to myself.... So please help any suggestions. ive lost all hope I have nothing ..no support from family/friends....I lost the love of my life (pretty sure she is seeing someone after a week of us break up so all that shit about breaking up because she doesn't want to hurt my feelings is bullshit) I have no one to turn to the only thing to keep my mind off the WD's is World of Warcraft, T.V. and hot baths and reading...other than that I have nothing to help me....So I am starting day 2 right now...How soon will it get better...I want to start a new life fresh..I want to gain my relationship with my family and friends back...they hate me they tell me I need to move out everyday they don't understand addiction and withdrawls they wanted to call the cops on me when they found out I stole money from them instead of trying to get me help....So if you have anything to help me anything at all please feel free to post this ...and sorry about spelling issues I have been crying uncontroably the whole time typing this...