winglessbird
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Nov 28, 2012
- Messages
- 4
It's no mystery to me how this happened, I think I've got it pretty shored up and it all seems to make a little sense, it's just proving almost impossible for me to reconcile myself with the state of things as they currently are.
Brief history: my drug use started perhaps 3 or 4 years ago and began as just a few joints here and there. I had a particular curiosity about and desire to experiment primarily with psychedelics, the notion of a trip and all that could entail fascinated me, the potential for enhancing or awakening latent creativity was also a factor behind my desire to explore different mindscapes.
Anyway, it only really ramped up properly over the past fourteen months. I moved to university and to a big city and suddenly everything became so much more readily available. From what had been only very rare experimentation at music festivals in the Summer, with substances such as MDMA, speed and cocaine, aswell as 2C-I and acid, became a semi-regular indulgence in cocaine, made possible by a relative surplus of expendable income and a very high quality connection who I was on close terms with, often hanging for a little while on pick-up visits.
Whilst use of other substances has caused me certain other demons in a limited sense, these have never been sustained for any significant period of time and after a few weeks of detoxing and healthy living, my mood and faculties would usually return to normal, perhaps with slightly altered perspectives and attitudes, particularly regarding caution when (ab)using.
In the period between fourteen months ago and about 8 months ago, my cocaine use was at its inital peak, which was never particularly high - I never let it get that way because I've always been particularly sensitive with chemicals, the high being higher and the low being lower than it seemed with my friends indulging in comparable doses of the exact same substance and batch - of a gram or two a fortnight. (I realise this level of use pales in comparison to habitual users, this in itself is not the problem and never really has been) The quality of the product I was taking at this point, as I've said, was excellent, my connect purchasing from a relatively high-up link in the chain primarily for personal use, and to move amongst their friends. This continued until the money drained away and certain responsibilities relating to my studies started to become more of a focus.
Fast forward to about five months ago, my use had calmed down entirely, my mood was elevated and life was good. Following a festival binge and police involvement, I was calming down the drug usage ready for a return to study. For some reason, despite all my best intentions, this idea of cleaning up never really stuck.
Presently, I should be happier than I've ever been, I'm in a committed relationship with someone I truly love and care about but following a night a whole month ago I've had this interminable brain fog which has driven me into a deep and ever present depression. On the evening in question, having recently reached a mutual decision with my other half to commit to taking a long break from hard drugs, visitors to a party hosted where I live showed up selling coke. These, as far as I was aware, were my housemates friends and so I was welcoming to them as they arrived at the house. With them was a guy I assumed was friends with my housemate and he was selling coke. The price was unusually cheap and so I didn't expect anything that would blow my mind, fifteen pounds for half a gram, me being accustomed to paying thirty five/half for the good stuff I used to get or twenty/half for the standard stuff around my present area. I was drunk though and bored and despite my girlfriend's weak protestations I bought it from him and me and my girl shared it, something which haunts me and devours me with guilt, not only that I was weak enough, but that I caused her to become involved in this event, which has become a source of so much regret and heartache for me.
Anyway, we took the blow pretty steadily by my standards and it was instantly numbing in a not so cokey manner, so I knew it was a little bit funky, not bunk at all because the familiar coke euphoria and energy was there - I assumed the cut might be some sort of anaesthetic x-caine with a little speed from the way I was feeling. Over the course of the night we finished the half between us and I later had some more stuff from a different source (another person in the group that arrived with the guy I bought off), continuing through the night and drinking profusely aswell, staying awake well into the next day.
My concerns initially began when I learned that this guy I bought the first gear off was not a a person of the highest moral character (ha), and wasn't even welcome at the party (he is also the one we suspect stole from our house, having ran inventory the next day). Since that day, though it's only become truly apparent over the past 20 or so days, I've had this terrible inability to think clearly, to communicate and socialise well, I've been racked with anhedonia, and on realisation of what could be happening become plagued with panic attacks derived from regret concerning this entire situation. I've done some memory tests that I'd taken for fun before in the past and my memory has not only declined but vanished entirely, even modest memory tasks proving impossible for me to complete. I've found it difficult to read and study because when I begin to read my attention drops off almost immediately, and when it doesn't I find myself forgetting instantly what I've already read. In a more physical sense I've also been having strange sensations with my right eye (the side I always insufflate with), as if there's something at the back of it and almost like the angle of that side of vision has been altered. I have eye tests scheduled for this. There is also a physical sensation in my head, though it's hard to describe. It almost feels as if the right side of my brain is inactive, where I can feel some sensation on the left side, the right side has nothing. All this is in addition to a generally irritable mood and motivational problems. The reason I've linked it to this occasion, despite all these problems being symptomatic of cocaine abuse, is that before that night none were present in anything more than a normal, occasional capacity and after my hangover and comedown had disappeared and I'd returned from a weekend break in Amsterdam, the brain-fog that I expect to last no more than a week has not only remained but intensified. I've also noticed differences in my coordination and energy levels.
I don't know what to do, I don't know how I can live like this. If I've made myself so incapable of proper function, I have no desire to function at all, I don't want to be a burden, I don't want to draw my girlfriend deeper into a relationship which (due to my 'early exit' or self-destructive ideations) may be doomed to fail. I'm going to see a doctor but if they even pay any heed to what I've got to say and investigate, I'm scared that all they'll find is confirmation of my suspicions (I'm convinced of them) and be unable to treat them, I don't see how they would be able to treat this sort of damage (which I attribute either to minor ischaemic strokes from increased heart rate or from some toxicity from an unknown element where the coke may've been stepped on by this unscrupulous dealer), so where does it leave me?
I've increasingly been engaging in suicidal ideation, the only thing capable of calming me from panic attacks. Aside from my personal depressions I've become emotionally numb and disconnected, unable to respond to recreational stimuli - films, music, even sex (which itself remains as technically fulfilling and satisfactory as ever) - in anything representing an ordinary way. The benchmarks I use to value my individual life and myself are my creativity - writing, poetry, music- and my intelligence which up until this point I've always been very confident of.
I really don't know what to do, sorry for such a long post and it's arguably self-indulgent nature, but I've reached a point where my waking hours have been transformed into dysfunctional misery, looking to past times of joy just intensifies my regret and looking to the future gives only prospects of continued unhappiness, unfulfilled potential and general hopelessness. I'd be very interested to hear anything that anyone has to say.
Needless to say I've ceased my drug use, which in terms of scale was never that great anyway, though have been leaning on moderate amounts of alcohol and continuing to feed my nicotine habit.
Thanks
Brief history: my drug use started perhaps 3 or 4 years ago and began as just a few joints here and there. I had a particular curiosity about and desire to experiment primarily with psychedelics, the notion of a trip and all that could entail fascinated me, the potential for enhancing or awakening latent creativity was also a factor behind my desire to explore different mindscapes.
Anyway, it only really ramped up properly over the past fourteen months. I moved to university and to a big city and suddenly everything became so much more readily available. From what had been only very rare experimentation at music festivals in the Summer, with substances such as MDMA, speed and cocaine, aswell as 2C-I and acid, became a semi-regular indulgence in cocaine, made possible by a relative surplus of expendable income and a very high quality connection who I was on close terms with, often hanging for a little while on pick-up visits.
Whilst use of other substances has caused me certain other demons in a limited sense, these have never been sustained for any significant period of time and after a few weeks of detoxing and healthy living, my mood and faculties would usually return to normal, perhaps with slightly altered perspectives and attitudes, particularly regarding caution when (ab)using.
In the period between fourteen months ago and about 8 months ago, my cocaine use was at its inital peak, which was never particularly high - I never let it get that way because I've always been particularly sensitive with chemicals, the high being higher and the low being lower than it seemed with my friends indulging in comparable doses of the exact same substance and batch - of a gram or two a fortnight. (I realise this level of use pales in comparison to habitual users, this in itself is not the problem and never really has been) The quality of the product I was taking at this point, as I've said, was excellent, my connect purchasing from a relatively high-up link in the chain primarily for personal use, and to move amongst their friends. This continued until the money drained away and certain responsibilities relating to my studies started to become more of a focus.
Fast forward to about five months ago, my use had calmed down entirely, my mood was elevated and life was good. Following a festival binge and police involvement, I was calming down the drug usage ready for a return to study. For some reason, despite all my best intentions, this idea of cleaning up never really stuck.
Presently, I should be happier than I've ever been, I'm in a committed relationship with someone I truly love and care about but following a night a whole month ago I've had this interminable brain fog which has driven me into a deep and ever present depression. On the evening in question, having recently reached a mutual decision with my other half to commit to taking a long break from hard drugs, visitors to a party hosted where I live showed up selling coke. These, as far as I was aware, were my housemates friends and so I was welcoming to them as they arrived at the house. With them was a guy I assumed was friends with my housemate and he was selling coke. The price was unusually cheap and so I didn't expect anything that would blow my mind, fifteen pounds for half a gram, me being accustomed to paying thirty five/half for the good stuff I used to get or twenty/half for the standard stuff around my present area. I was drunk though and bored and despite my girlfriend's weak protestations I bought it from him and me and my girl shared it, something which haunts me and devours me with guilt, not only that I was weak enough, but that I caused her to become involved in this event, which has become a source of so much regret and heartache for me.
Anyway, we took the blow pretty steadily by my standards and it was instantly numbing in a not so cokey manner, so I knew it was a little bit funky, not bunk at all because the familiar coke euphoria and energy was there - I assumed the cut might be some sort of anaesthetic x-caine with a little speed from the way I was feeling. Over the course of the night we finished the half between us and I later had some more stuff from a different source (another person in the group that arrived with the guy I bought off), continuing through the night and drinking profusely aswell, staying awake well into the next day.
My concerns initially began when I learned that this guy I bought the first gear off was not a a person of the highest moral character (ha), and wasn't even welcome at the party (he is also the one we suspect stole from our house, having ran inventory the next day). Since that day, though it's only become truly apparent over the past 20 or so days, I've had this terrible inability to think clearly, to communicate and socialise well, I've been racked with anhedonia, and on realisation of what could be happening become plagued with panic attacks derived from regret concerning this entire situation. I've done some memory tests that I'd taken for fun before in the past and my memory has not only declined but vanished entirely, even modest memory tasks proving impossible for me to complete. I've found it difficult to read and study because when I begin to read my attention drops off almost immediately, and when it doesn't I find myself forgetting instantly what I've already read. In a more physical sense I've also been having strange sensations with my right eye (the side I always insufflate with), as if there's something at the back of it and almost like the angle of that side of vision has been altered. I have eye tests scheduled for this. There is also a physical sensation in my head, though it's hard to describe. It almost feels as if the right side of my brain is inactive, where I can feel some sensation on the left side, the right side has nothing. All this is in addition to a generally irritable mood and motivational problems. The reason I've linked it to this occasion, despite all these problems being symptomatic of cocaine abuse, is that before that night none were present in anything more than a normal, occasional capacity and after my hangover and comedown had disappeared and I'd returned from a weekend break in Amsterdam, the brain-fog that I expect to last no more than a week has not only remained but intensified. I've also noticed differences in my coordination and energy levels.
I don't know what to do, I don't know how I can live like this. If I've made myself so incapable of proper function, I have no desire to function at all, I don't want to be a burden, I don't want to draw my girlfriend deeper into a relationship which (due to my 'early exit' or self-destructive ideations) may be doomed to fail. I'm going to see a doctor but if they even pay any heed to what I've got to say and investigate, I'm scared that all they'll find is confirmation of my suspicions (I'm convinced of them) and be unable to treat them, I don't see how they would be able to treat this sort of damage (which I attribute either to minor ischaemic strokes from increased heart rate or from some toxicity from an unknown element where the coke may've been stepped on by this unscrupulous dealer), so where does it leave me?
I've increasingly been engaging in suicidal ideation, the only thing capable of calming me from panic attacks. Aside from my personal depressions I've become emotionally numb and disconnected, unable to respond to recreational stimuli - films, music, even sex (which itself remains as technically fulfilling and satisfactory as ever) - in anything representing an ordinary way. The benchmarks I use to value my individual life and myself are my creativity - writing, poetry, music- and my intelligence which up until this point I've always been very confident of.
I really don't know what to do, sorry for such a long post and it's arguably self-indulgent nature, but I've reached a point where my waking hours have been transformed into dysfunctional misery, looking to past times of joy just intensifies my regret and looking to the future gives only prospects of continued unhappiness, unfulfilled potential and general hopelessness. I'd be very interested to hear anything that anyone has to say.
Needless to say I've ceased my drug use, which in terms of scale was never that great anyway, though have been leaning on moderate amounts of alcohol and continuing to feed my nicotine habit.
Thanks
