I've been with my girlfriend for one year as off the 9th of this month. We never had the pleasure of experiencing the "honey moon" phase as our relationship has been VERY crazy from the start. The one thing we do have is a stunningly, mind blowing sexual relationship. I've never been compatible with another female like I am with her. We heve sex every night.
One thing though, if she doesn't get the sex she turns devious and starts saying some really nasty things. She will insinuate that she's going to cheat on me, which she has done in the past.
We are both insecure people, her from past relationships and me from her cheating early on. She was unhappily married for 6 years when we met. I understand it's obviously going to take some time to get over a 6 year relationship, but when we got together and i expressed my concerns she assured me it wouldn't be a problem. She ended up cheating on me about 4 times with her husband. There were lots of lies being told through out this while time as well, mostly pertaining to her relationship with him. He ended up committing suicide in June after hearing that she was never going to be with him again. He had been threatening it for months. We agreed that it was a desperate attempt to get her back gone horribly wrong.
I've tried to leave her numerous times and each time I find myself going back. She starts threatening suicide and has attempted a few times. The last time, which was in July, she drank lysol and I had to call 911. She was hospitalized for a week in the psych Ward. Now I'm scared to leave her. I find myself wondering all the time whether or not I actually love her. I always come to the conclusion that I love her but am not in love with her. If I leave now she'll lose her schooling carrier, because I pay all the bills and the daycare.
We talk to each other all day every day at any time we have free. On my breaks at work. Between classes she sends me texts. We are constantly reassuring each other that we love each other and that we want to spend our lives together. It all feels so fake to me though. But the longer I'm with her the harder it feels it's going to be to get away. I do love her and any time she says she doesn't want to be with me I find myself pleading with her, trying to convinced her why we should stay together, though I know deep down that it's never going to work. I just can't bring myself to leave her. This will sound crazy, but I feel like I'm possessed. I feel like I have no control over the situation and my own feelings are confusing to me. I don't know what to do or how to do it. I want to leave her but at the same time I have a horrible fear of her being with anyone else. She doesn't trust me and I don't trust her. I truly feel lost within myself. I never imagined I would end up in a situation like this.
She has border line personality disorder. She has some serious issues. I feel bad for her and I do love her, just not like that. She constantly thinks I'm lying or doing something I shouldn't be. She takes things I say way out of context and makes them out to be something that they aren't. It's very frustrating. She'll say things like, "you don't have any paint on your hands", translation: you must have been lying and not been at work today. Or ask questions like, "what time did you get out of work?", translation: you must have been cheating because it took you far too long to get home. Ive never cheated on her, nor have I ever given her reason to believe I would. When she says these kinds of things I find myself trying to convince her of the truth. It's the most frustrating thing when you're constantly being accused of lying or doing something you shouldn't be, when in all actuality you're doing nothing of the sort.... if I get a text message on my phone she'll point out the fact that I just got a message and then, in an accusitory tone, she'll ask who it is, as if it's another female, which it never is.
I now find myself getting upset with her over things she would get upset with me for. Things that normally wouldn't bother me, and I'm really just doing it because I feel like, if it's not okay for me then it's not okay for her. It's becoming a sick twisted game.
I could go on and on about how disfunctional our relationship is, and I know that it's easy to SAY "just leave her", but it's really not that easy. Im posting here because I've been coming here throughout the years for advice and I really need some outside input. I need reassurances and opinions and advice. Whatever anyone can offer here is greatly appreciated. Thanks.
One thing though, if she doesn't get the sex she turns devious and starts saying some really nasty things. She will insinuate that she's going to cheat on me, which she has done in the past.
We are both insecure people, her from past relationships and me from her cheating early on. She was unhappily married for 6 years when we met. I understand it's obviously going to take some time to get over a 6 year relationship, but when we got together and i expressed my concerns she assured me it wouldn't be a problem. She ended up cheating on me about 4 times with her husband. There were lots of lies being told through out this while time as well, mostly pertaining to her relationship with him. He ended up committing suicide in June after hearing that she was never going to be with him again. He had been threatening it for months. We agreed that it was a desperate attempt to get her back gone horribly wrong.
I've tried to leave her numerous times and each time I find myself going back. She starts threatening suicide and has attempted a few times. The last time, which was in July, she drank lysol and I had to call 911. She was hospitalized for a week in the psych Ward. Now I'm scared to leave her. I find myself wondering all the time whether or not I actually love her. I always come to the conclusion that I love her but am not in love with her. If I leave now she'll lose her schooling carrier, because I pay all the bills and the daycare.
We talk to each other all day every day at any time we have free. On my breaks at work. Between classes she sends me texts. We are constantly reassuring each other that we love each other and that we want to spend our lives together. It all feels so fake to me though. But the longer I'm with her the harder it feels it's going to be to get away. I do love her and any time she says she doesn't want to be with me I find myself pleading with her, trying to convinced her why we should stay together, though I know deep down that it's never going to work. I just can't bring myself to leave her. This will sound crazy, but I feel like I'm possessed. I feel like I have no control over the situation and my own feelings are confusing to me. I don't know what to do or how to do it. I want to leave her but at the same time I have a horrible fear of her being with anyone else. She doesn't trust me and I don't trust her. I truly feel lost within myself. I never imagined I would end up in a situation like this.
She has border line personality disorder. She has some serious issues. I feel bad for her and I do love her, just not like that. She constantly thinks I'm lying or doing something I shouldn't be. She takes things I say way out of context and makes them out to be something that they aren't. It's very frustrating. She'll say things like, "you don't have any paint on your hands", translation: you must have been lying and not been at work today. Or ask questions like, "what time did you get out of work?", translation: you must have been cheating because it took you far too long to get home. Ive never cheated on her, nor have I ever given her reason to believe I would. When she says these kinds of things I find myself trying to convince her of the truth. It's the most frustrating thing when you're constantly being accused of lying or doing something you shouldn't be, when in all actuality you're doing nothing of the sort.... if I get a text message on my phone she'll point out the fact that I just got a message and then, in an accusitory tone, she'll ask who it is, as if it's another female, which it never is.
I now find myself getting upset with her over things she would get upset with me for. Things that normally wouldn't bother me, and I'm really just doing it because I feel like, if it's not okay for me then it's not okay for her. It's becoming a sick twisted game.
I could go on and on about how disfunctional our relationship is, and I know that it's easy to SAY "just leave her", but it's really not that easy. Im posting here because I've been coming here throughout the years for advice and I really need some outside input. I need reassurances and opinions and advice. Whatever anyone can offer here is greatly appreciated. Thanks.
