It's been a pretty lovely weekend. I had a very early night on Friday and woke up early Saturday morning to the incessant drilling of some workmen out the back of where I live. They'd finished up by 10am by which time I needed to get up anyway... I don't quite see why they couldn't have just started later...
Yesterday was mostly about having a walk down town, bought a lovely red dress for £4, splashed out on some agent provocateur perfume, bought some fresh fruit, then came home to refuel and get my body ready for tattooing.
Well, I now know that my tattoo artist's name is Lee. I think yesterday was the best tattoo experience I've ever had, and I've got 13 other tattoos. Massive, comfy chair to sit in. Lee was on skin for nearly three hours... and the tattoo is only half finished. It was so much bigger when he put the stencil on than I thought it would be. It starts about two inches above my left knee and covers 3/4 of my thigh. I've got quite long thighs, so it's a good size of a tattoo. Lee and I get on so incredibly well that the whole experience, while painful, was incredibly social. We're quite similar people although he's crust punk and I'm... well... Jenny. It's rare that I meet anyone, male or female, that I connect with so easily. He was good at explaining the whole tattoo process as well. Nobody has really done that before, and I feel like I'm learning more about it, which he seems to understand is something that's important to me. It sound really stupid but I like to know the processes for things.
Well back to work tomorrow I guess. I'm really kind of stressing about going back to work because the atmosphere in the office isn't great at the moment. One of the girls filed a formal complaint about one of the women that work in the office. The woman can be a bit aggravating and does stress me out but if she does then I talk it out with her and it's fine. The girl who put in the complaint does the admin work, and I've been covering for her while she's been in hospital. She has cystic fibrosis so I feel really shitty for being mad at her for putting in the complaint. She's really young and I think that the admin job really stresses out but she's been moved difference offices twice because she isn't getting on with people so I don't know what is going on. I love doing the admin job and I feel a bit crap for kind of wanting her job, not that I'd ever try to make her fail, but I thought maybe they could do with two people working admin. Kind of hoped they'd promote me sideways as I'm pretty crappy on the phones and they always take me off to do emails etc when possible because that's what I'm good at. I'm really not looking forward tomorrow as I just feel like shit's going to hit the fan and it's a worry because I just want to go in and do my job with no bitching and office politics. We do a hard job (customer service for what have to be the angriest people in Britain) and it makes things a hell of a lot easier when people aren't bitching and backstabbing. I suppose I just have to go in, be confident and try to get on with things.
Ach. I guess there's a chance that I'm still tired and emotional after my tattoo. There's not really anyone I can talk to about how I'm feeling about it all. I was down at Shona's to see her and Sally, had a really good chat as Rory was out so we got proper good banter. Not that I dislike Rory, it's just different when he's there. I'm pretty sure Shona would have put it all in perspective for me but because she's got a newborn baby I don't think it is fair to unload my worries onto her. I think she likes the break from Mummyhood, cos I don't have kids, so she can talk about stuff with me that doesn't involve things like breastfeeding methods!! Probably best I have a shower, sort my hair out, get my clean clothes out of the washer and up to dry for tomorrow and just go in all guns blazing with my best devil may care attitude. It's just not as easy as I'd like. I'm constantly worried that I'm going to get in trouble for something although I've not really done anything wrong.
This stressful head is what gets me into trouble. What starts off as an average worry mounts into some crazy massive issue and I get all paranoid and upset which ends up with something shitty actually happening because I can't keep my mouth shut. I promised I wouldn't do this any more. I need to try and stay strong and if anything shit happens tomorrow I will just have to deal with it. It's almost like I feel like I should be punished even if I haven't done anything wrong... it's not a conscious thing... and it's so very hard to turn it round. The person who has the biggest problem with me is me... most other people don't really have an issue... it's my own attitude that fucks things up and when I go into a downward spiral other people pick up on it and that's when problems arise. I've come so far. I used to be scared to go into shops alone and now I'm able to live a relatively normal life and I'm incredibly independent...
But I'm still crueller to myself than I've ever been to anyone else, and that needs to stop.
Yesterday was mostly about having a walk down town, bought a lovely red dress for £4, splashed out on some agent provocateur perfume, bought some fresh fruit, then came home to refuel and get my body ready for tattooing.
Well, I now know that my tattoo artist's name is Lee. I think yesterday was the best tattoo experience I've ever had, and I've got 13 other tattoos. Massive, comfy chair to sit in. Lee was on skin for nearly three hours... and the tattoo is only half finished. It was so much bigger when he put the stencil on than I thought it would be. It starts about two inches above my left knee and covers 3/4 of my thigh. I've got quite long thighs, so it's a good size of a tattoo. Lee and I get on so incredibly well that the whole experience, while painful, was incredibly social. We're quite similar people although he's crust punk and I'm... well... Jenny. It's rare that I meet anyone, male or female, that I connect with so easily. He was good at explaining the whole tattoo process as well. Nobody has really done that before, and I feel like I'm learning more about it, which he seems to understand is something that's important to me. It sound really stupid but I like to know the processes for things.
Well back to work tomorrow I guess. I'm really kind of stressing about going back to work because the atmosphere in the office isn't great at the moment. One of the girls filed a formal complaint about one of the women that work in the office. The woman can be a bit aggravating and does stress me out but if she does then I talk it out with her and it's fine. The girl who put in the complaint does the admin work, and I've been covering for her while she's been in hospital. She has cystic fibrosis so I feel really shitty for being mad at her for putting in the complaint. She's really young and I think that the admin job really stresses out but she's been moved difference offices twice because she isn't getting on with people so I don't know what is going on. I love doing the admin job and I feel a bit crap for kind of wanting her job, not that I'd ever try to make her fail, but I thought maybe they could do with two people working admin. Kind of hoped they'd promote me sideways as I'm pretty crappy on the phones and they always take me off to do emails etc when possible because that's what I'm good at. I'm really not looking forward tomorrow as I just feel like shit's going to hit the fan and it's a worry because I just want to go in and do my job with no bitching and office politics. We do a hard job (customer service for what have to be the angriest people in Britain) and it makes things a hell of a lot easier when people aren't bitching and backstabbing. I suppose I just have to go in, be confident and try to get on with things.
Ach. I guess there's a chance that I'm still tired and emotional after my tattoo. There's not really anyone I can talk to about how I'm feeling about it all. I was down at Shona's to see her and Sally, had a really good chat as Rory was out so we got proper good banter. Not that I dislike Rory, it's just different when he's there. I'm pretty sure Shona would have put it all in perspective for me but because she's got a newborn baby I don't think it is fair to unload my worries onto her. I think she likes the break from Mummyhood, cos I don't have kids, so she can talk about stuff with me that doesn't involve things like breastfeeding methods!! Probably best I have a shower, sort my hair out, get my clean clothes out of the washer and up to dry for tomorrow and just go in all guns blazing with my best devil may care attitude. It's just not as easy as I'd like. I'm constantly worried that I'm going to get in trouble for something although I've not really done anything wrong.
This stressful head is what gets me into trouble. What starts off as an average worry mounts into some crazy massive issue and I get all paranoid and upset which ends up with something shitty actually happening because I can't keep my mouth shut. I promised I wouldn't do this any more. I need to try and stay strong and if anything shit happens tomorrow I will just have to deal with it. It's almost like I feel like I should be punished even if I haven't done anything wrong... it's not a conscious thing... and it's so very hard to turn it round. The person who has the biggest problem with me is me... most other people don't really have an issue... it's my own attitude that fucks things up and when I go into a downward spiral other people pick up on it and that's when problems arise. I've come so far. I used to be scared to go into shops alone and now I'm able to live a relatively normal life and I'm incredibly independent...
But I'm still crueller to myself than I've ever been to anyone else, and that needs to stop.
