Cool, keep us updated. Have you ever tried MBSR? An eight week training in that plus ketamine therapy should be really helpful. Throw kratom into the mix and I see no reason you wouldn't be able to stay away from dope. It's just a matter of learning to love yourself I think. Of course that is easier said than done, but it's super possible. If you haven't tried it, invest a few hundred bucks in an MBSR course. They are well worth the money. You're certainly in the right town to learn to actually sit with yourself hombre
And there is nothing to be ashamed of as far as using kratom is concerned. Yes, it isn't ideal. Yes, we would be better off if we didn't use it. But if we are serious when we say progress and not perfection, and kratom is LEGAL whereas heroin is SUPER ILLEGAL, you really can't compare the two. Plus the two dependencies are truly night and day in terms of severity. Kratom dependency is serious in its own regard, but it is far more manageable than an illegal habit of a super potent full agonist opioid.
If using kratom is causing you to hate yourself, that is a problem. Which is more realistic, learning to be okay with yourself and using kratom or struggling to not use heroin while not using kratom? I'm genuinely asking you, and no one can answer but you. AND there is no right or wrong answer, just where you find yourself. What counts is you see your situation as clearly as possible, because once you understand what is going on you'll act exactly as you should. Like when something is seen it can't be unseen kinda situation.
And god knows you have the right head on your shoulders simco. I really suggest you look into an MBSR course. How has peer recovery type support been going? I never really found that very helpful as you know, and it doesn't seem to have really been a boon to you in your new local - which in part is why I suggest you look into a non-recovery centric form of peer support that is focused explicitly on health and wellness such as MBSR. You need support, and if you haven't found the 12 step stuff helpful in your city, there is no reason to keep bashing your head up against that wall. They don't have any monopoly on recovery.
Plus you can always go back to meetings down the road. I find I'm more open to it now than I was four years ago, even though I'm still not really interested in it. Anyways I'm just saying the meetings aren't going away. So why not try something new? I'd be MBSR+ketamine+kratom+amazing wife+good job+therapy+right meds=path to success. Shit man, with all you have invested in your recovery, it's just a matter of time. Just have to invest a little more I guess. You'll get there. You're getting there
You know I'm always rooting for you brother