Suboxone detoxing.. help needed and advice

[notfeelingood]

Hey guys,

I've been a member of bluelight for years, not posting much, but I know I've had a couple of accounts over the years.. just browsing the forums. Looking for some advice from (hopefully) people who have went through what I am currently going through.

I am a drug dealer, as much as I honestly hate it. It's become a huge part of my life. I was a very antisocial "video game nerd" my entire life, until about 3-4 years ago. Random programs that I went to for my anxiety were also programs for drug addicted youth. This random connection turned into me meeting many drug dealers and becoming good friends with them. Years after this program I found dilaudid while working at a call center. It was extremely random, the dude sitting besides me every day was a video game nerd, who had a mother who sold dilaudid 4mgs. We became good buddies.. months later EVERY lunch hour me and him were scrambling to drive to his moms house to buy a few D 4's, and I mean EVERY day. If she was out, we would literally just say fuck it and leave work early. This was before either of us had realized we were addicts.

Months after all of this, his mom kind of went dry. Her supply was never coming back. I remembered the friends I had met in this program a year or so before.. I reach out to them. One week I was an antisocial video game nerd. A month later, the main pill supplier in my entire province in Canada. This life made me so much more social, I didn't see ANY downsides. I had friends, I actually had a cell phone people would text me on. I was cool, I fit in. As lame as it sounds, I'm starting to realize this is the exact reason why I stuck with being a drug dealer.

Fast-forward in time a bit. It's now 2 and a half or 3 years later.

8 months ago my girlfriend was in the hospital dying from endocarditis caused from IV drug use of the same drug I was supplying to my entire province. 4 months ago, I was surrounded in a McDonald's parking lot by RCMP and busted. I am waiting my sentecning after being asked to become a police informant/agent 1000 times by the police. Nobody knows I am an opiate addict, not even the people I sell to.. I was convinced I was better than them.. "hah. methadone? suboxone? lol get some willpower and quit, bitches". Nope, not that easy. I've been "clean" since I got busted, but my version of clean means a hydromorph-contin (big red) or two every Friday/Saturday. I have never spoken with a doctor in my life about addiction, I do not want my addiction on my medical record for life.. that is for sure.

I have been self medicating with suboxone that I (unfortunately) trade hydrmorph-contin for to other junkies. 2mg a day is the max I will let myself take, which is literally nothing. It does me great. 24 hours after taking my suboxone, I can NOT sleep. I am so restless, if I get 5 hours of sleep I am extremely lucky. After that, it's tossing, turning nausea. It's not THAT bad, I used to take 300-400mg of hydromorph-contin a day, EASILY. The withdrawals from that of course are horrible, but I just can not shake suboxone.

How the hell do I wean myself down? I've went from 2mg to 1mg, to a half mg every 2 days.. I can never get past this. Every 1-2 months I take suboxone, I'll have a rough day for one reason or another, and it'll be a day with a low suboxone dose.. I like to think I'm better than this, but I ALWAYS give in. I have went 6 months with $20,000 worth of opiates besides me and not doing one, but lately I can not shake it. I will always end up doing a few dilaudid 8s, or a hydromorph-contin 30mg (big red).. I just feel stuck.

My biggest worry now is.. what happens when I actually get sentenced to one year.. 3 years.. 6 years? I want to be rid of suboxone, methaone, dilaudid, EVERYTHING, long before I ever get sentenced.

Thanks for listening guys.. I know I'm all over the place. I'm half drunk, and trying not to crush up one of the many pills in my possession right now..

 

[emingos]

do you really think someone will answer when you ask "i need a drug dealer to help???" who the hell would even think of helping then? comeone buddy thats a retry

 

[Allein]

^^ It's a fair point in terms of the thread title so I've gone ahead and changed it.

As far as any kind of moralising about the OPs previous line of business, that would be more than a little hypocritical given most of us here have relied on such 'retailers' at some point or another.

I admire his honesty and candour

 

[emingos]

it was allso mostly the title i ment was a "retry" it was surely making some ppl just skipping the thread but year honesty isnt a bad thing at all just this title is doing the job a little better with same result

sorry for my high ranting OP now go ahead no more moral ranting from me hehe


also im actully in somekind of same situation i cant never get past down the 0.5mg suboxone either.. no matter how i dose (iv, sub, snorting..) the dose just dont seem to cut it for 24 hours...
i use benzo's(hypnotic's and sedatives) for just getting somekind of relaxing during the night else i also just kick and turn all night, the best is clonazepam and diazepam or the muscle relaxing effects
but keep it to a minimum,.. it looses it's benefits ind no time and your left with all the sideeffects and a hole new addiction but it can be used to ease the low doses off sub

there are all kind of relieaf meds depending on your local medical rules and what meds are awailible.. im for instance in a very strick country regarding meds so i dont got many options ..

 

[ExInMil]

Howdey, aboot tyme I poe-sted agayne, ahey!

That is the extent of my Canadian.

Alright, well I can relate to your addiction on a few levels. I , and I'm sure many people will concur, found the self-esteem boost which comes along with opiates as one of the more prominent reasons the addiction is so hard to break. I too started with prescription opiates, but I went to heroin (Insufulating, never in the arm though.) and, after quitting and relapsing many times over, obtained a Subscript.

One idiosyncrasy I noticed you revealed is that you are able to lie to yourself convincingly, such as telling yourself you were somehow better than your clientele, when in reality your choices and actions were essentially the same. I am sure that if you look back at that time with an honest eye, you were actually worried about your habit the whole time, convincing yourself that it was manageable, while deeper-down knowing you were fucked past a certain point which approached and you past really quick.

The reason I bring this up is that this ability of self-deceit is something you must consciously and constantly be aware of while quitting opiates. For instance I can recall that every time before relapsing, I would find myself having a mental dual between my knowledge that, honestly, I was fine, and the addict-drive telling me that I was miserable and to cure that misery with opiates. You know. You only live once, so why live in misery, or that a single time after quitting wont hurt the process, or any other excuse that was even half-reasonable at the time. Being conscious of this tendency will help you in the moment you find yourself convincing yourself that its time to throw in the towel.

Now, as far as quitting Subs in particular, I found that switching to a shorter-acting opiate for a week and then taking the plunge made things much easier. (No taper) This is controversial since it seems inherently wrong to go back to the very reason you needed the Sub (or methadone) in the first place, but I see too many positive aspects as long as the person in question is honestly ready to quit. Many people will worry about relapse, and it being a bad idea to give a junkie junk to quit, which it is if the person isn't ready and serious about quitting.

That being said, simply by cutting the withdrawal time in about half (or more) is in itself worth the risk. To me it seems that if the person cant handle a week of short-acting opiate withdrawal, then they surely cant handle 2-3 (or more) weeks of long acting opiate withdrawal. Having been through both, the duration of the withdrawal associated with long acting synthetic opiates like Sub and methadone amounts to torture compared to the alternative, and will almost always result in relapse.

As always, I' no doctor, but unlike most doctors, I have experience in this nasty topic.

 

[donkeyPUNCH]

I had that problem too, getting down to .5mg or less even, sometimes I was literally using probably .25. but I could never jump off entirely.

I ended up being on about that dose when I was surprise-locked-up. went to court for a traffic violation, the judge was a total dickhead, he gave me the max. penalty. 30 days in county, which is actually 21 with good behavior.

honestly it wasn't that bad, I didn't sleep for the first few nights, but that could've been due to me never having gone to jail before and just being totally freaked out. but after a week I was fine.

my point being, don't worry so much about getting off entirely if you really cant. just make sure you're at the lowest dose you can get by on when you go to court. (and if you are REALLY worried, keister a few subs in to get you through)