mr Bungle said:
ignor this post im a mess,really in a bad place
I have relapsed, was on 8mg suboxone, had a blow out for two weeks, smoking herion and crack(while taking 4mg suoxone).
aaaaaaarrrhhh! ive went back to my old ways, currently im just on 4mg to see if I can do it, as im planning on getting opiate free for xmas to go and live in Thailand.
hurting really bad, you forget how uncomfortable this is, I hate the cold penerating me from the inside out and the fact that im praying for sleep but carnt. Im fighting this minute by minute. Every ten mins or so it feels unbaerable and i find myself counting to ten in my head again and again to try and carm myself down. I have foolishiy phoned my dealer (with the excuse to myself: ''well my friend that i havent seen for time is coming up i might aswell use just for today to see him) half of me is glad that my dealer hasnt got his phone on! (I feel like i have a split presonality)
I hate this so much, i know I'll probley just take anthor 4mg and then mabybe anther 2mg and reduce from there. wot do you guys thinks? fight it in pain like this or dose up so im comfortable and requce it by 2mg per week and be kind of pain free? (i know its a subjective question - but what would you do?)
Good luck enoughoranganjuice. If i were you i would look hard (or find) your triggers.
i.e
dont hang around with people who use
dont hang around where you can score
dont do things that you used to do when stoned (hard as you probley do everything stoned)
what one of my friends always says is: dont get into a relationship - wait one year of being claen before you get into a relationship - as when it fucks up - and chances are it will - its the perfect excuse to use herion again.
find you true will - what made you happy before drugs - mine was always drawing and painting. (however drugs always made me happy - my life is a horrible loop of blissfull nothing to misery!)
as i said its all subjective - but we are all sort of simular - so can anyone help (if you can be bothered) and name any of your own triggers? what leads you to use herion??? (sorry if this kind of sounds like a lame couseling, self help bullshit - but it might come in handy)
just a thought, I really dont know how i manage to type this dribble.........
Im really sorry to hear about that, man. I feel for ya, and hope you make it out ok. I got a little bit of advice for you, its not much, but it might help.
First off, remember that relapse is part of recovery. Its like a learning experience, or a reminder of sorts. You go back to your old ways only to learn that its either not worth it, or how you can eventually control it, and also to learn what it was that caused you to go back and think about what you will do next time the situation arises so that you dont relapse again.
Now, my suggestion would be to get back to a dose of suboxone where you are perfectly comfortable, however high that may be, and stick with it for a while. Dont try and start tapering yourself immediatley. Im not trying to be rude at all, so dont take what Im about to say to be offensive, because it isnt at all. If it isnt totally obvious to you yet, you arent ready to come off suboxone. I think you still need some time to work on issues in your life or whatever it may be that caused you to relapse.
You said to enoughorangejuice to figure out what his triggers are and to avoid them. That is excellent advice, and I think its something that you may need to do. There has to be something that caused you to go back to using. Everyone has them. You asked for others to name them. For me, its where I live. I used in my bedroom, and since Ive quit, all I ever did was stay in my room. Everything about my bedroom has, over time, been adjust to accomodate drug usage. I have a coffee table that I prep my heroin on. When Im strapped for time, I have this little two drawer CD storage thing that Ill prep it on. My room was arranged the way it is when I was rolling. A friend of mine and I set it up for maximum comfort while rolling. I also have other little items like this wooden dog statue thing that a friend gave to me the first time I used heroin. Everything about my room reminds me of drugs. I had no opportunity, besides going to work, to get out of my bedroom. Eventually the boredom set in and that was it. I couldnt be in my room without being constantly reminded of using drugs. So, I started using again. Now, I use occasionally. 3 or 4 times a month. I admit, Im not totally clean, but I have my use (somewhat) under control.
Either you want to be totally clean or you want to use occasionally. Ive noticed suboxone gives you the chance to do either one. If you want to use occasionally, your only challenge is going to be will power. You need to find and harness the ability to say "Alright, Ive used heroin/oxycodone/whatever once this week/month and that is it! No more!" and actually follow through with it. The only way you will be able to do that is to figure out and have control over your triggers. Whatever it is that makes you feel the urge to use, you need to learn to ignore it.
The best thing you can do in the situation you are in right now is to stop using all-together for a period of time. Youve relapsed and havnt taken control over your usage. You need to gain control back. Like I said, to do this you need to get on a dose of suboxone that makes you perfectly comfortable and stick with it. For how long? However long it takes. There are things you need to address before being able to use occasionally.
Now look, I was not trying to say in all this that the way I use is the right way. Personally, I do see what I do as hypocritical. I dont want you or anyone else to think that I somehow "figured it all out" and found the way to use occasionally. I know I shouldnt be using at all because for one, it goes against what Im suggesting to you and everyone else, and second, its just risky. Its easy to fall back into regular usage. That is exactly why I suggest to abstain from using and stick with suboxone
only for a while.
I really do hope everything gets better for you. Ive come to know you through bluelight and think your a good dude and dont want to see everything fall apart for you. Good luck man, and you know you can PM anytime you want if you need to again.
. Even though you probably feel some relief knowing by noon tomorrow it'll be ok, just take a minute to focus on how shitty you're feeling. It's almost a rite of passage to a new life, and the last memory you'll have before going on suboxone is how crappy you felt. A good memory to retain if you're serious about stopping.![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
) only have 17 hours and 20 minutes until my appointment 
