Stuggling!!!!!!!!!!

Hello people,,
am new here+this is my 1st blog,,,,dont know what i want to say really,,will just type+see.
After 24 yr;s of on/off heroin/coke/crack addiction i once again find myself on a subutex script,,though am along way from being clean+seriene. apart from 2 3day useups i have not used this yr,,unfortunatly am not jumping for joy about it. I moved to swansea,,wales earlier this yr to be with my partner(never done drugs),,due to my pore mental health i've not been able to get out+i know noone,,at this presant time the only reason im not using is sim0ply down to not having a dealer,,am way to old +been in this mess 4 too long to be asking likely looking suspects on the street (although i have considered it!). The 1st 1/2 of my addiction was spent in counties where gear was of better quality,,cheaper +always available,,now i find myself in a situation that is a first for me,,,heroin hs not found me,,yes,i know i should be grateful about it but im not,,i guess its a case of wanting what i haven'tgot,,after more home detox's than i can remember,,4 clinical ones+2 stints in rehab i have mo ilusions about what exactly i am missing,but have always been of the mind that being clean has to have more benafits than using,,+ at mo im not a happy b unny,,but i do realise that this has alot to do with my mental health being pretty shit at the moment,,but gear has always been the best mediciene for my probs,,very ironic!
This is VERY sad,i realise that,,+ maybe only a long term junkie could possably understand what i'm about to say, but as i believe most long time addicts will agrea,,,,pharmacuticles have no better,,,i sometimes accept that my using days are more or less over,,but i take comfort that if the figure are correct,,the chances of contracting cancer or something simaler,,1 in 4?,that atleast i can take comfort in knowing i wld have shithot drugs! yes i kn ow this is sick,,no need to point it out,,my appolagies to anyone who this affects personaly..i do not intend to offend,,but if i cant be honest,,well whats the point?
I dont drink as have been there,,stopped weed as it dont help my head,,have very recantly come off diazipam after 8yrs,,so am left with 8ml of subutex,,,can anyone relate?
I very much hope to make some friends on here,,,take care+stay safe all,,,
abstant.
p.s <removed -- Please do not discuss sourcing, even online sources. Thanks! DL>

 

Hey Abstant! Welcome to BL and to Blogs.

One of the biggest hurdles upon getting clean, especially from long-term addiction, is finding something to fill the hole in your life that used to be occupied by your DOC. I've not much advice on that, other than that this is the perfect time to develop a hobby, try to meet new people (I know, easier said than done) and develop some really healthy habits. For many, especially those recovering from an opioid habit, exercise has been key to keeping clean. Bored, around the house, and craving? Go for a run. Do some pushups. Go to the gym. Take a yoga class. Do something to physically exhaust yourself.

Incidentally, we have a great sub-forum for, among other things, those trying to get/stay clean. It's called The Dark Side, and I'd really recommend checking it out. There is a great group of people there, many who have been through similar situations to yours, and could offer plenty of excellent advice and support. Keep posting in Blogs, by all means, but check out TDS too.

 

hi Dave,
cheers 4 taking the time to read my blog+4 the advice, which was all good stuff+common sense in recovery i know,i've been down this rd many times b4,the thing is i do know wot i need to be doing I do actually have a plan,( i really hope that this isn't coming across as arrogant,,thats really not my intention,,i really do appreciate u taking the time to reply+to offer me the advice!),itsjust putting it in to action! I must admit that my mindset seems to have taken a diff direction the past few days,,i seem to have gone from wanting to b using+not seeing the point of not, to wanting to get back into recovery really bad,,as i say, i do know wot i need to be doing,+it has worked pretty well for me in the past,,a yr or so ago i learned TM + found it to be really helpful,i also started to learn thhe ukalalie(not the coolest of instrument i know,but it does it 4 me,,also some excercise as u mentioned,,,when doing all of the mentioned 3 i have done ok,and enjoyed it! It's just been the mindset,,u know? Its not excatly a ny resalution,but i intend to start my new plan of action jan 2.
Anyway,,thanks again,,much apreciated,,,b safe,,with love+light