Struggling

I have been struggling really badly. I started a fight so I could go and use. I stormed off(my usual Mo) ...I don't even want to tell the story as It is the usual and I am so tired of it. I don't even know if this is helpong. I did not use and I think the only reason was because I didn't have enough money. I know though that I am a crack addict. I am addicted to crack. I always want to just think of myself as a good wholesome alcoholic, but know after the first hit I took in 96 i have wanted it ever since. On the 4th of December in a few days I will be one year clean. I have never wanted to use as badly as the last few days.

I don't know if I am cycling ,if I am bipolar, If I just want to use. If I am just so guilty of my behavior that I want to use so I can consider myself worthless. I came so close. I went upstairs after getting home from the city and thankfully I had printed off the internet, As a man thinketh. I read some of it and steelied my thinking.

I wanted to read it today but no, I go downstairs after dropping my son to school and go home and watch porn for two hours. However I also read about crack recovery. The only difference between now and a year and a half ago, is that when I got the urge I would go and use. I guess I had more money then. Now I am able to see the end of the binge in my mind more clearly. However I if had money this weekend I would have used, I am almost sure of that. My mind wants to lie to me all the time, To tell me that I cannot get past this. That my mind is now incapable of thinking healthy thoughts, Or practicing thinking healthy thoughts. It wants me to think that I am no good and I cannot get past this addiction or this way of thinking.

I mean I have a court date from my DUI arrest and I need to clear that up, because I have been complying with all that is required but my psychiatrist did not send in some paperwork. All it takes is a phonecall and here I am spending all this time writing on here and watching porn. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.

Please help, this is the pits. Oh here we go look for self pity, poor me , I can't do this without approval, without being pushed or told yes you can,you are a good boy. Fuck I need councelling , need help big time.

Haven't been able to give myself time to write here
I will try and post for a few days straight. See where it gets me. I hope everyone is well. To those that read my journal or post comments, thank you.
I don't reply personally because I am not able to. Why not? I don't know. I am strugling with consistency and have been all my life. Middle aged and have no idea what my prospects are(i think poor) are more importantly what my purpose is in life. Am I supposed to have a purpose in life? Oh sure being a good father etc is a good purpose, but to be a good Father, I dunno I am running out of thoughts....................Will come back and talk more later.

 

'self-pity' is often a sign that we have acknowledged a problem but something is stopping us from applying the effort to make a change (for me at least, I'm not trying to tell ya how it is with you.

I think we all have bouts of self-pity at times. For me, the more effort I apply on correcting painful parts of my attitudes, ideas or behaviors, the more infrequent those negative feelings of self occur

I dunno, man, I've been reading some of your stuff and I'm just gonna say it... Its over, brother. This running from yourself has passed its expiration date and is no longer fun and will never be again. This is a good thing (if you can accept it). Now its time to finally face all that shit you're trying to distract yourself from.

Its fuckin' scary but you don't have to go it alone. At the very least, you have folks here that will lend an ear but its VERY IMPORTANT to find a real life support network (whatever that may be). A wise man once told me 'Real life is greater than the Internet' and I agree.

Use us (in Blogs or TDS) to practice your social skills. Take your chances here and you'll be more prepared for taking chances in the 'real' world

We got your back, brother!