Hey dude, I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. Trust me when I say I know the pain you’re feeling.
And this is coming from the female side of things.
I’ve made many mistakes in my life. I suppose I always will. Hopefully, they get less harmful. They largely have since I stopped the hard shit and got sober. But then I started taking mushrooms. Even mushrooms are starting to become addictive. Because I’m trying so hard not to shove drugs in my veins, I’m trying to escape my own mind however I possibly can. But this is ridiculous and I know it. Im not doing myself or anyone else any favours. I’m not being a productive human being. I am being a piece of shit. Im not who or where I need to be. Not for me, not for my beautiful little girl. Boo hoo. Grow the fuck up “pixies”.
My ex has “taken” my daughter from me twice. I currently have zero rights as a mother. My little girl is 9. She doesn’t remember most of what has happened… she’s aware I’ve been “sick” a lot (depressed/or what she was told when I was in active addiction). She loves and adores me. Why.. I’m not sure I can figure that out right now. I can’t see clearly. Can’t feel properly.
Even though I have no rights and on paper - court ordered - I’m supposed to be supervised by my parents - she’s with me 4/7 days and is with me for the entire summer because she hates her dad. She hates being in that house. Never wants to go back. She agrees to see him for a couple hours a week. Poor child needs professional help… but
i csnt make that decision. Makes me ill knowing I can’t help the way I should be allowed to.. considering who she wants to be with and who makes her feel safe. It’s not him.
Due to my inability to crawl out of my own ass, she’s been staying with my parents for the most part for the last month. We live very close… so it’s not like I’m not seeing her… but it’s not what should be happening. I don’t feel good about this. Makes me sick to admit when I know there are people who would give their left arm to see their child(ren). I just don’t have the energy inside my body right now. I’m very angry with myself for being such a selfish cunt. I’ve not been well the way I should be in too long. It’s all taking a toll. There’s been a lot of trauma over the last 3 years and counting. Doesn’t excuse my excuses though.
Her dad doesn’t want me well. He wants me dead and out of the picture. It’s a harsh truth I’m very aware of. If I admit I need help, I’ll be ostracized and more will be taken from me. So I have to suffer in silence to a large degree. I always have to hide. I’m always lying to myself and to everyone around me in my physical life.
He tells our daughter I’m jealous of him. I swear to whatever god is out there that I am not jealous of that arrogant cunt. I just want our daughter to be healthy. I’d love to co-parent with him in a healthy way even if that means we don’t actually speak. It would be better than what’s happening now.
Both families are being destroyed by his arrogance and “narcissism”… and my inability to make the necessary changes that will put me on a better path.
We are to blame in our own individual ways. But right now, one of us has been doing more harm than the other. Right now… that’s him. I’m slipping though.
I’ve been begging for her to get help for close to two years now. She started saying she hated him close to 3 years ago. Not good stuff. But he called me a liar. Called his own wife a liar. He could not believe that she felt that way about him or that HE could’ve been the reason for her unhappiness - I’m the easy one to blame. I always will be. And you know what? That sucks. And it isn’t fair. But I need to believe that our child will grow up and understand that we’re all complicated… I may not have been a perfect parent, but I loved her to the best of my ability. I’d die for her happiness. I’d die for her any day. That’s not the point though. The point is to fight for her. Stay and fight. Pull up my big girl pants and get on with it.
I don’t know the reason behind why your wife did this. That’s not mine to know. My best advice would be to start seeking out any form of help from professionals that you can.
If you’re close with your pharmacist, ask them for a reference letter of sorts. Do you always pick your meds up on time? Are you a pleasant person when you’re there? Etc.
Do this with everyone you can think of. The more evidence you have that you’re on the straight and narrow, and you’re not some raging fucking asshole that is dangerous for your daughters well being, the better things will be when or if you do ever have to go to court.
It may take time. But never give up. Never. Know your lane… know when you need to back off.. you feel me? Don’t be overbearing. Don’t antagonize. Don’t do anything that would give your wife ammunition - as hard as that may be.
Life is fucking weird. It’s full of surprises. It’s full of tragedy. But it can also be full of the best of the best… you know the feelings. They’re better than any drug can offer.
I’m a fairly negative person lately. I’m stuck in the blame game. Blaming everyone for my own fucking misery. I know what I’m doing and I can see it… I’m just having a very hard time getting myself out of it and being the healthy human I need to be. Not just for me… but for my daughter, my parents, and whatever future I hope to have.
Please do better than me. Please hold your head high. Find the power within. Summon whatever strength you have from every cell in your body and Get. Shit. Done.
You’ll thank yourself later. So will your baby girl. I’m willing to bet your wife will thank you too, even if that comes to an end. You’re a survivor. We all are. Anyone who is choosing to be here to fight another day - even if they’re only able to get as far as brushing their teeth - that is survival. We don’t
have to be here. We
choose to be here.
Choose better choices - even if that doesn’t feel like a fair statement to you and your situation right now. I hope you understand where I’m coming from.
Please, be well
"she lit up like Christmas" your daughter loves you. And you a man, the bad guy.