Struggling with myself as an opiate addict

[Feelinspiritual]

I have been struggling with opiate addic. For years. I switch from this to that so much. Was on sub for about 6 months but started to use codons and ultram while seeing the sub doc. I got the codons from a diffrent doc. I was dishonest in my actions and the pharmacy caught me and I feared to go see either doctor anymore. I panicked and thought "well this is it", and started to stop. I made it about a week and was hurting pretty bad pot&valium off the street helped but my life was difficult. I am a college student, have a steady gfriend, volunteer at a church weekly. Things got tough. I told my girl that I quit the sub and told it was going to be tough for me. She was gracious and accepted. I made it about 3-4 more days then found an old methadone hook-up. I picked back up and started hating 10mg a day, now I'm up to about 12-15mg a day and am becoming very depressed. I hate my addiction right now, I've never really taken methadone much it was always a last resort in between the this or that(at very low doses) I have about 10-15 of the 10mg pills left and want to start tapering. I really need some help and advice on what should the best route be for me. I've been using the methadone a for about a month. Some, and only a few days I have took around 20-25mg throughout the day. Very seldom did I do that. For the last week I have been taking 30-50mg of adderal xr also. That I hate also, I'm such an addict there is no doubt. I got off OC's in 2010(first time quitting) and stayed sober for about 4 months. I got saved and became a Christian during that time. I've been battling with slips and relapses since. I can't afford to go detox and do 30 days in treatment like I did the 1st time. I have some knowledge of 12 step program and it helped. My shame is so great that's why I hide all this. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

 

[Jnk]

cant hide behind the shame, got to own it and seek forgiveness for it, even if you just forgive yourself. There Is a lot of smart people in here that will be able to give you great advice and support. Personal op, Id stay away from that methadone shit, I've talked to people that get more hooked on that than the shit they were on in the 1st place. Stay busy, if your girl is cool , spend some quality time with her (bow chika bow wow , if a know what I am saying) = that always helps. Addiction is a bitch man. Hope you find a way to deal and get well asafp.

 

[theseeker]

Don't feel ashamed of simply being an opiate addict. You might feel ashamed of some of the things you've had to do- like maybe lie to people, etc. But having become an opiate addict may not have been entirely under your control. Note, I say *not entirely*. You should know that in some people there is a strong genetic predisposition to become an addict- it's not something someone wants to be. Now that you are aware of your addiction, it is up to you to fix the problem. You can overcome your addiction, it will take some time and trouble, but you can do it. Overcoming addiction is hard enough on its own. There's no need to feel ashamed about it to make things even harder. Put aside your shame, and get onto dealing with this.

If weening is something you would like to try- a rule of thumb is generally a 10% reduction in dosage per week. That gives you a week to get used to the new dosage. It's totally doable, but you need discipline, that's for sure. But we can conjure up all kinds of strength when we need to.