Struggling so much right now!!

[d3athadone]

I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm so isolated. I been sick for so long now. Chipping away. Now tomorrow I get my check and all I can think about is using. Considering its only day 3, I guess thats normal. But i can just feel the fuck up coming and I'm scared. Maybe I just have to get back on methadone. I don't fucking know anymore. I'm going to snap though. Well maybe I wish I would. I just dont snap. Ive been through so much bs in my life I can withstand the most fucked up shit. Maybe thats my problem. I'm just tired yo. I'm so fucking tired of being sick and letting everyone down. THis disease is eating me alive and I need help. Friends have tried to help. But what can you do for a guy who keeps jumping in the deep end after you save him? I have great friends too. SOber friends. I just don't see them much lately cuz I'm so fucked. I just stare off into this screen all fucking day. I cant do anything else because then I feel the pain even stronger.

I'm starting to think I just gotta get back on methadone cuz I cant do this withdrawal get my life back together thing in my current state. I just don't have enough support. Maybe I just need to get stabalized and then try again? It was so hard to get off methadone though!!!! I guess maybe thats my fate though.... Cuz I cantr stop fucking relapsing. THis is crazy. 4 months ago I had stopped everything, even smoking. My life was looking amazing. Then this happened. Shits a fucking disease man. I don't even wanna hear about how its all a choice and that kinda crap from people. Its not a choice my brain doesn't make any fucking sense. My willpower ran out long ago. I been digging at the dregs for months and I just think Im tapped out. In the start yah... It was a choice, but I was so vulnerable then....

Thanks for letting me vent! I really needed to.

 

[MisterNotSoClean]

Dude, I know it's tough. The first 4 or 5 days are hell. Don't expect yourself to be able to do more than lay around and be a zombie for that first bit. Afterwards it's gonna be a slow uphill climb but most days you'll start feeling better. For me it was kinda like 2 steps forward, 1 step back. I had to distract the crap outta my brain. Xbox was a life saver. I don't even particularly like playing games. But for 2 weeks straight, I was all about fallout 4 and gta v. Gta V definitely helped when I felt really bad...Oddly, I guess plowing over hordes of innocent people gave me some semblance of solace.

You're halfway through the bottom lvl of hell and once you make it to normal hell, it's gonna feel like Montana. Not particularly good, but not all the way bad. Then once you dig outta hell, you enter purgatory which is like Hawaii without the pretty oceans but the weather is atleast nice year round.

Beyond that it gets so much easier once you can look back and see how far you've come. You are able to actually put things in perspective.

Our brains are weird. Willpower is limited and God do I know the feeling of having mined that shit dry. It's like I had to manufacture synthetic willpower. I was thinking of everyway using made me feel bad I guess... and good... but when weighing the bad vs good such as, "Good things about using - I feel damn great for about 4 hours, I don't feel sick for about 24 hours... Bad things - This is not who I want to be, I was always anxious about if I would be able to get more, my life revolved around my using schedule, the ups and downs are shitty, I lost touch with good friends, I miss drinking beer and watching football, I miss being able to go out on a weekend trip to my family without having to cut it short because I don't have enough, Im always fucking constipated and shit bricks that grind my asshole... and when im not i have explosive diarrhea... etc."

Hang in there, it gets better. It really does.

~MisterNotSoClean~

 

[d3athadone]

I think I just gotta get on the juice bro. I know what detox is about. Like i said ive probably detoxed a thousand times. Off every common opiate. I just talked with my friend who works with mental health and addiction and stuff like that and we are going to start meeting regularly. starting today. So thats really good news. THats one support. I think I just need support. Like I have all the will in the world, but its not enough. WIllpower is not the key. I need a real plan. I need life. Motherfucking rat park lol.

 

[mrsnowygrainius]

do it man, get back on methadone fuck it you said you were doing well on it right?

if it makes you feel any better, I am struggling so badly myself, not with dope i been on subs for 4 years so I'm maintained by that, by crack cocaine lately is breaking me down. I worked so dam hard over the past few months, saved up so much, and now its being depleted, over 4k from the just the last couple weeks is gone.

at least I don't have to be dope sick or fiend or anything because of my subs but this crack shit is bad. Get back on meth man these maintenance drugs are the best chances we have

 

[d3athadone]

Your more than welcome to post it here! We can share. I'm pretty sure the withdrawal from 90mg oxy will be no joke. I think the tramadol is holding it off for you. WHich is a good sign. Too bad it doesn't seem you can't get a few more of them. The convoluted situations we find ourselves in right? I feel like its a really bad idea not to tell your S/O about this. I don't think they will leave you over this. I thnk that they will need space. Do you guys have some sort of agreement that if someone relapses the relationship is over? Because ofcourse you guys must both be aware that its always a possibility. I can't help you with your suboxone question about when to take it. I do think the suboxone withdrawals will be less vicious but more drawn out than the oxy withdrawal. I honestly just dont see how your gonna get out of this one without telling your partner. Being sick is so obvious. YOu really want to lie to them the whole time? That is going to make everything so much harder! I don't think your out of the woods. I think the tramadol is making your withdrawal manageable but once you stop with that your gonna get legit dope sick where work might be off the table. I really feel you need to be honest with your partner, for better or for worse.

I'm sure someone here will come along and help you figure out how you can make that 16mg suboxone into a rapid taper program.

 

[d3athadone]

do it man, get back on methadone fuck it you said you were doing well on it right?

if it makes you feel any better, I am struggling so badly myself, not with dope i been on subs for 4 years so I'm maintained by that, by crack cocaine lately is breaking me down. I worked so dam hard over the past few months, saved up so much, and now its being depleted, over 4k from the just the last couple weeks is gone.

at least I don't have to be dope sick or fiend or anything because of my subs but this crack shit is bad. Get back on meth man these maintenance drugs are the best chances we have

aww bro I'm so sorry to hear that. That fucking sucks bro!! Crack is such a fucking money pit. I've had bouts where crack was around so I smoked it, but I've never had like a real habit. I've shot coke a bunch of times and you know once you start its like a 1-3 day long thing, but after that I stop. Fuck man I don't really know how to help you cuz I always just stopped using crack as soon as it was gone. I feel like you gotta reach out for help somewhere in person before you blow your savings. Is there someone you can give your money to? The good thing is when you stop you wont get too many physical withdrawal symptoms. I know the psychological is off the hook though, but when I've been to detox im always so jealous of the people who smoke crack cuz they are all laughing and having a good time and meanwhile they just stopped like 2 days ago. Maybe just that fact alone can help you? I t could always be worse my friend. Maybe just love the sobriety or soemtihng I dunno lol. I'm trying. Def reach out for help in the real world and tell someone about your problem. Tell them whats going on that you need help.

Hey can you have your bank put your money on hold? That could give you a real break to get your head straight? In my experience once I got away from crack for a few days I got it together and was able to let it go. Maybe you just need a good break too man.

 

[Moreaux]

How are you doing d3athadone?

 

[d3athadone]

Sick man. Really sick. Got head ache. I don't even have aspirin for it. Weed might be helping. Maybe making worse. Can't tell at the moment. Not gonna smoke anymore. But I wanna live man. I don't wanna die. I don't want to hurt anyone. This whole thing has just gone on too far too long. Its never going to stop until I stop it. I just cant wait til day 7 at this point. Im pretty much a champ at dealing with incredibly fucked up painful situations so there is always that I got on my side.

 

[herbavore]

Sick man. Really sick. Got head ache. I don't even have aspirin for it. Weed might be helping. Maybe making worse. Can't tell at the moment. Not gonna smoke anymore. But I wanna live man. I don't wanna die. I don't want to hurt anyone. This whole thing has just gone on too far too long. Its never going to stop until I stop it. I just cant wait til day 7 at this point. Im pretty much a champ at dealing with incredibly fucked up painful situations so there is always that I got on my side.

I'm glad that you want to live because you have so much to offer. You are strong and smart and aware. Addiction is tricky and seductive but the desire to heal is an incredible force. (()) Hang in there, d3athadone. (BTW, cold packs on the neck and head sometimes help a headache.)

 

[I cup]

Reading your first post , that's exactly how I felt for a cpl weeks after I filled a dry time w/ m.done for 2-3 weeks daily ..... Almost put me down , idk how ppl. Survive getting off long term use of that stuff , zero motivation super depressed and like my brain was shut down - , have you tried like gabapentin or kratom to help ? Remember where you are right now , and when you turn the corner and start pulling outta it know where you don't want to go back to , I have 5 months clean now and looking back over my 10year add. , it was such a waste of life .....
Keep it together chief !!

 

[d3athadone]

Yeah I feel ya. I did the methadone program. Was sober for like 2 months. relapsed. got clean. relapse got clean. relapsed. got clean. relapsed. seriously. add more to that. I can't believe it. I was doing good. I was depressed ya. But at least I had cash and a future. I'm so fucked right now. Just no cash. At least I have food a place and the itnernet I guess lol..

 

[I cup]

It's easy to feel depressed , but you really don't have to look far to feel lucky and blessed !
Use the natural antidepressant .... Go to walmart at 11:00 pm , you'll leave feeling like a boss !! Heck , you'd prob even take off your pj's and wear pants to go ; ) lolz .....

 

[VastEmpty]

Use the natural antidepressant .... Go to walmart at 11:00 pm , you'll leave feeling like a boss !!

I laughed SO hard. I swear to god I'm gonna do that next time I can't sleep in the middle of the night. I'll take pictures for you guys.

- VE

 

[herbavore]

^Don't be surprised if you run into me there, VE! That cracked me up, too--best strategy I've heard yet for the truly killer insomnia (and an anti-depressant to boot!)

 

[Moreaux]

It's easy to feel depressed , but you really don't have to look far to feel lucky and blessed !
Use the natural antidepressant .... Go to walmart at 11:00 pm , you'll leave feeling like a boss !! Heck , you'd prob even take off your pj's and wear pants to go ; ) lolz .....

Literally LOL'd. So very true and so very sad. In North Carolina one doesn't have to wait for the late evening to get that ego boost...that happens there all day. For an added boost go before an hurricane (I'm going to hell for saying that but it's so true).

ETA: Pants and teeth are optional at my store

 

[cj]

Get your ass back on methadone bro. You already know how this story is going to end otherwise. Don't listen to idiots who try to shame you about maintenance meds as they are just trying to build themselves up by tearing you down.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Methadone is THE gold standard for treating opioid addiction in the US. But it is a long term commitment, not something you can switch on and off from willy nilly. It requires a commitment to your recovery if you are going to benefit from it.

If you are willing to make the commitment and work hard on yourself while on methadone, I guarantee it will save your life. But if you aren't at a point where you are able, for whatever reason, to buckle down and get into the nitty gritty of your shit - because for instance you don't have the social capital or knowledge to do so - then it isn't responsible to commit to something that you aren't ready for.

If you can be genuine and authentic about wanted to get better on methadone, then go for it. It will make such an incredible difference. But if your aren't able to do that, then beware. Methadone can be just as nasty as any other opioid when used inappropriately.

 

[diuqil]

Also D3athadone if you haven't checked toothpastedogs links in his sig, I highly recommend that you do. Some of the info contained therein was very helpful to me at my weakest points during my withdrawals. I'm on day 4 now d3athadone, from 240mg oxy's and then I did a rapid taper 40, 30, 20 none. I wanted to rip my eyes out of my skull so I didn't have to see the world of pain that I sowed around me. I believe in you d3athadone, can tell you have a lot to offer and by how you write that you're intelligent. The world is going to be very lucky to have you back friend, I hope that you welcome it soon too, you can do this hang in there. Like everyone's saying, get back on methadone if it helps you, but commit. There is no harm or foul in using methadone or suboxone to alleviate your pain.

 

[d3athadone]

I'm too scared of methadone. I made a promise to myself though. If I relapse one more time in the next couple of months I will go on methadone. So this is my last chance. I am on day 8. I really want this to work cuz methadone suxors so bad. I already was on it for almost 4 years. ANd u can use on it too. Not the same, but still its bad. lots of fucked up peeps on methadone lol. Its true you gotta be a boy scout about it to get anything positive out of it. I did it. I got all my carries and what not. The thing that realy scared me about being on methadone is feeling sick. I don't want to feel sick anymore and I know methadone is just more of that. Even first thing you always wake up sick. Or at least I did. I hated it. Wake up sick everyday? Even if u feel better after. Still u were sick during the night. So ya. I am running with this. I really know in my heart that I can beat this shit. Its just like my reserves are running low and I cant keep this relapse shit going any longer.

 

[cj]

I never wake up sick on methadone that's really odd maybe you needed a higher dose?