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Struggling pretty bad..

w0w0mg

w0w0mg

Bluelighter
Joined
Dec 4, 2015
Messages
848
Location
In Jail, NC
So as you guys know I have been staying away from heroin.
It's been 16 days since I have last used.
Honestly though, If it were in front of me, I would go use.
If I knew where I could get it where I'm currently at now, I would go use.
The mental aspect of it is killing me.
So far I used Kratom for about a week after 7 days clean off heroin to help my anxiety,
but really I think it's my brain screaming - Get high, please please get high.
I finally stopped taking the kratom - but long behold, I found a couple of xanax - only 5 1mgs.
My anxiety shot up as soon as I knew it was available and BAM - I did a middle man to get some w/o having funds.
I think the PAWS has been getting to me pretty bad.
I just want to not have those cravings, and it's like - if it's a benzo, opiate, even tramadol - I feel powerless and
need to go use.
Like said though, I have NOT had any oxys,vics,heroin,ect just had a little bender with kratom and xanax.
This just gives me some false hope and I really think I won't ever recover.
If I have money - It will go towards a way to feel better.
If I can get something for free - I'm sure I would cave in and get it.
What should I do?
When will the madness stop?
 
Honestly the kratom and xanax probably were not good ideas because they will get you atleast a little bit "high" and when you are trying to detox and get clean that is not good. It will just lead to you wanting to actually get high. You should just stay away from all of it. Keep yourself secluded if possible and watch some movies or tv shows, play some video games, post on here, do whatever you can to keep your mind occupied. Even going out for a hike or going bowling or something is good. Just keep occupied and keep yourself and your mind busy.

The PAWS can last quite awhile but you are already 16 days clean! Keep it up! Stop playing around with the benzos and kratom at this point because all that will do is make you crave getting actually high even more. Just keep yourself clean and eventually the REALLY bad cravings will end. However in my experience you will always crave getting high atleast a little bit but its bearable. When you are getting really bad cravings though maybe try going to a NA meeting, it could help. Just dont give in and dont give up! You got this! Look how far you came! Good luck man, dont let that shit get the best of you!
 
Yeah I can relate I am 2 days off the shit and at night is the worst. I toss and turn in bed and probley would have killed for a benzo or suboxone. Even though I'm clean the thoughts of just throwing in the towel and seeking suboxone is strong. Hell, kratom crossed my mind but I don't really want to wait for it to arrive in the mail plus from what I've read about it I doubt it would suffice. I've being super depressed because I was clean almost all of 2015 then relapsed hard in December and lost my job and place to live. I chose to move out of state away from all the friends I had made during my year clean to avoid being homeless. I'm 30 back with my parents and it is a real struggle. I feel like I had my life swept away, a year of hard work and progress. When I first moved back in w/ the rents I was in such shock and depression that I was considering moving up to Portland and just living out of my car. Getting on methadone, using here and there, just basically giving up. But I decided to try and not be rash and just stay. Try and be grateful to have food, a roof over my head, to not be in danger, or strung out.

I've been taking action to stay positive stuff like going to the movies, going to the library, taking drives around my new town, and today I went to my first NA meeting since my relapse and the message there was not to beat myself up because I didn't loose all my recovery, I just lost my clean date. Anyways, I understand the struggle, and sometimes its unbearable, but getting high or back on opiate maintenance isn't really a positive move ad I know it. The question is, am I done fucking up my life over and over? Or do I want to continue this madness. I've been doing it for years now.
 
It's so crazy how this addiction will drive us to burn bridges, destroy ourselves, and repeat the process all over again.
I am so tired of this - The endless cycle - The insanity.
Why can't I just be normal? Why did we put these toxins in our body knowing it would eventually cause destruction in our lives.
I can not even bring myself to find employment.
My criminal background is so bad - no job will hire me.
My PAWS/WD has hindered me to get the ambition and energy to even seek at this point.
I don't want to live anymore.
I just want this to all go away, and I feel like snuffing myself is the only option.
I keep hurting my family, and I am tired of making my girlfriend cry because I snap at her when she just wants me to
stay clean and stop talking about drugs 24/7.
I sometimes think about going on a crime spree, and going back to prison just so I can stay away from drugs.
Yes, there are drugs in prison, but the cost is so high, I could never afford it anyways.
I have nothing left at this point.
I am pretty much homeless, I am living at my girlfriends dorm room (sneaking) and its only a matter of time
that will come to an end.
I can not afford food, and I have been waiting over 3 months for food stamps - nobody calls me back.
The shelters here are horrible and are full of other drug addicts which will cause me to break the law I'm sure.
The depression has gotten so bad. I want to go to the ER and IVC myself.
I cant take much more of this.
 
Your doing great, but your letting your eliphant convince you that its hopeless.

Keep it simple. . Keep your thoughts in the moment. Early recovery is overflowing with "unaturally" strong emotion.

A way to deal with a big chunk of emotion is to learn to, develop and practice control over our thoughts. We need to conscieously manupulate our thoughts.

One of the ways we need to develope control of is where our mind and thoughts are. We need to conscieously center our thoughts in the here and now. If we slip into the past we can get run over by regret, anger, resentment, guilt, shame, etc. If we fall into the future we can slam into anxiety, fear, self doubt, hopelessness, etc.

Have to learn how to sail our minds in the present. Its where the mind blowing majic of lifes experience lives.

Most people miss almost all of it because they blunder through with their minds stuck in the past or worried about the future.

If your able to evolve and develope your cognition you will recognize people everywhere doing this.. they will be the anxiety plagued masses with big plans or "hopelessly" broken dreams, pridefully waring ornate horse blinds and confabuiated excuses , and eternally anticipatevdly rushing towatd the next place where their big plans and baggage wont allow them any time to experience or enjoy it.

To change your life may seem to be impossible when all the challenges circle endlessly trough our heads. Can be downright daunting and disheartening.

All we need to do to acomplish the impossible is break it down into smaller pieces that are possible.

The easiest way to acomplish the Impossible is to break it down into goals. Then we break the goals down into parts. Then we break the parts down into easily done tasks. Then we make a list of those easily done tasks and start knocking them off.

Make the list.. get some things done from it almost everyday.. watch your life transform.

If an abysmal system like the no secound chance criminal record system is hampering or preventing your goals think outside the box and also consider joining efforts to change that crap.

Maybe volenteer at a food bank.

Your doing great. . Dont let that idiot addict in you talk you into anything idiotic. Find something chill for now to support yourself. Find someplace cheap to stay. Focus on your recovery and figuring out who in the fuck you are and what in the fuck your supposed to be doing to satisfy you<3.

Keep it real chill in the beginning and do whatever you can to not make yourself misserable. Make the list of goals and take the time to split them all the way down to easy tasks and chores. Keep patient and start knocking them off.

Number one goal may be create and imliment an individual recovery plan that will be revised, polished and altered as needed.

Will power fails everytime even if its strong enough to keep us clean, as that existance would be a never ending misserable struggle.

What are you doing to address the addiction?


Just some suggestions I thought id throw out. Hope it helps you at some point:)

Pecked out on mobil so I will edit this later
 
Last edited:
Your doing great, but your letting your eliphant convince you that its hopeless.

Keep it simple. . Keep your thoughts in the moment. Early recovery is overflowing with "unaturally" strong emotion.

A way to deal with a big chunk of emotion is to learn to, develop and practice control over our thoughts. We need to conscieously manupulate our thoughts.

One of the ways we need to develope control of is where our mind and thoughts are. We need to conscieously center our thoughts in the here and now. If we slip into the past we can get run over by regret, anger, resentment, guilt, shame, etc. If we fall into the future we can slam into anxiety, fear, self doubt, hopelessness, etc.

Have to learn how to sail our minds in the present. Its where the mind blowing majic of lifes experience lives.

Most people miss almost all of it because they blunder through with their minds stuck in the past or worried about the future.

If your able to evolve and develope your cognition you will recognize people everywhere doing this.. they will be the ones with big plans, pridefully waring ornate horse blinds, and eternally hurriedly rushing to the next place there big plans wont allow them time to experience.

To change your life may seem to be impossible when all the challenges circle endlessly trough our heads. Can be downright daunting and disheartening.

All we need to do to acomplish the impossible is break it down into smaller pieces that are possible.

The easiest way to acomplish the Impossible is to break it down into goals. Then we break the goals down into parts. Then we break the parts down into easily done tasks. Then we make a list of those easily done tasks and start knocking them off.

Make the list.. get some things done from it almost everyday.. watch your life transform.

If a fuck tard system like the no secound chance criminal record system is hampering or preventing your goals think outside the box and also consider joining efforts to change that crap.

Maybe start by volenteering at a food bank.

Your doing great. . Dont let that idiot in you talk you into anything idiotic. Find something chill for now to support yourself. Find someplace cheap to stay. Focus on your recovery and figuring out who in the fuck you are and what in the fuck your supposed to be doing to satisfy you.

Keep it real chill in the beginning and do whatever you can to not make yourself misserable. Make the list of goals and take the time to split them all the way down to easy tasks and chores. Keep patient and start knocking them off.


Just some suggestions I thought id throw out. Hope it helps you at some point:)

Pecked out on mobil so I will edit this later
 
Wow I hope you are hanging on, I am at 23 days and also have alot going on, it's hard with cravings, I get it. With being sober, it is easy to say don't be hard on yourself but really you should try and be proud of the work you put in to getting clean. Can you maybe look for temp job, I know there are places that don't do background checks and maybe just try pick and choose a place to apply. Depending where you are at there are agencies free of charge within different counties, that help you find work, even on probation, you could give it a try, now you see why they say getting clean is easier than staying clean, this is the hard part!
 
I have been doing xanax - ALOT lately.
and I shamelessly ordered Phenibut....
I am trying to stay away from the opiates.
I don't even know where to get them around here and the only place that sells kratom in my area is now out of stock.
I have 55$ in my paypal and I am looking for something that will stop the depression and anxiety until PAWS subsides a little bit.
If not, I am going to relapse - I just know it. I want to cry, I want to give up, I am trying not to though.
 
16 days is incredible. Heroin is a monster to kick and you have beat it so far don't let it beat you. I'm struggling at six but really only two Bc I slipped up in my sleep after four days of misery and I was finally able to sleep then I dreamed off using and did at 4am. I feel so defeated but I'm not going to give in. I feel sick again and was doing so good. Please stay the course I need someone to show me it can be done. Don't give up!
 
I'm with you man, no H in about a week and a half and the anxiety is killer.
I ordered some kratom in the hopes it might help (hopefully without turning into a Big Deal of its own) and I'm going a little batty waiting for it...
Tried to source some overpriced stuff advertised by a local shop; the cashier informs me that she "refuses to sell it" and it's "the owner's thing."
Guess $8/hr is the pay rate for Moral Police.
Anyway...
Just stick to it, you got this and nothing's hopeless.
Your brain is just fucking with you. I can definitely relate.
Everything feels so insurmountable and it's easier to slip back into chemical distraction, but we both know that's only going to contribute to the breakage...
 
hey my friend i know the struggle man. I have been using sense i was 19 and am now 23. I want so badly to stop using and have tried many times without success just because in Raleigh its so easy to find them. I have been using in moderation but have still unsuccessfully been able to stray away from them. When i was able to stop i just tried to keep my mind off of them by spending time with my girlfriend, playing basketball, gaming, and hanging out with friends and to some degree it worked but the cravings are REAL and HARD to ignore. Willpower is key my friend and the fact that you must want to truly be done forever with abusing opiates/opioids.

Sincerely O
 
@neversickanymore I'm so glad you posted that ? I'm going to read it over and over again while I'm going thru this hell. I NEED to make a plan. Thank You
 
yeah this shit is hard as fuck!

but do not give up. DO NOT! you're doing so good, man...keep it up! for real. i'm 4 months clean from meth & heroin. i was an IV user. this shit is hard. but hey, you got this!!!
 
Thank you for the advice neversickanymore, Yeah my criminal background gives me pretty much zero chances of employment in my trade.I would try to do industrial work for they seem to not care so much about criminal backgrounds butI have metal plates and screws thru out my body so it's sometimes an issue doing long periods of hard labor.I am only 24 years old, and I am actually in pretty good shape (a little on the skinny side, but I am sure I will gain more weight soon) I use to work out daily and would very strong when I was in prison.It's just the plates limit my activities time-wise. I could only do maybe a good 2 hours of labor before I start getting really bad shooting pains.My probation is hassling me a lot and I have court tomorrow which I am nervous about.I just moved my probation for the third time in 6 months to another city because I had to move in with my girl-friend because I lost my job and my other source of income was not the most legitimate approach if you know what I mean.I want to start my own company again, I have in the past and was pretty successful. I love working in marketing and I do not mind free lance work at all. I just want stability, and a chance to achieve an actual career.
 
Reading this literally made me sob uncontrollably. Its just really beautiful that there are people who care and can express their messages so beautifully. I'm in early recovery and the emotion is just pouring over me. I had 3 years of clean time that I just pissed away I'd say a year ago starting slowly with percocets....then eventually falling all the way back into a heroin habit. I'm so angry at myself.....why did I let it all happen again?!?! 3 years....of tremendous ups and downs but it was real....I felt everything.... I lived an actual existence. Heroin doesn't allow for me to live...it's not what I want for myself!! I'm gonna fight.....I'm gonna fight and keep fighting with all the fight I have in me. For my future...for a chance to live again.
 
I am glad that you have been inspired.
I am so happy for you that you want to make a change like myself.
3 years clean is AMAZING and I know you can do it again.
We can fight this addiction and over come it. You are proof that people can be clean for years.
Everyone makes mistakes and slips up, we are human and not perfect. Just keep trying to better yourself.
That's what I am trying to do. I relapse so much but I have not given up hope. Life without heroin is so much better, I know it is.
I want to make a change and I am going to give it 299% to achieve this goal.
Much love to you Keeponkickin. I know you can get better. Don't give up hope, you know what to do.
 
The human condition allows us to fall into addiction but there is an escape door called free will..u always have the power to change,the power of the present moment without past circumstances ..at anytime u can stop the vicious cycle if you are strong enough to keep the cravings at bay,maybe not forever but long enough to get your life in order..it's not easy believe me I know :| but u are on your way there with a change in attitude from I want to be high, to i want to be clean %). Keep that in your mind and u will slowly start to make decisions that will get u closer to sobriety..good luck my brother :D
 
Ive had similar problems with opiods in the past and the cravings are more of a mental withdraw. i found loperomide (Imodium or generic) took all the physical withdrawl away but then i couldnt go without that or they would start again so for physical aspects 32-50 mgs of loperomide will do. for cravings that will take time, dont contact anyone who will even remind you of that life or you could cave. the benefit to loperomide is it completely takes away physical effects of withdrawl which i found took the cravings away too, then it causes your liver to over produce P450 sub strait enzymes so even when you do have the drugs they wont get you high as they are immediately metabolized and dismissed in your urine. so if you truly want to quit then its the best medicine to use, just be carful, opioid resistance is caused by your body becoming use to making these p450 enzymes and then your blood becomes more and more concentrated with them, so use the loperomide off and on when you can. i find that just having the physical withdraw gone takes the cravings away entirely but everyone is different. if you use loperomide for more than 2 weeks at a time it will raise your tolerance to other opiods so one week on 2-3 days off of it will keep this from happening. but the less you use to get by the better. loperomide is a opioid but it doesnt effect the CNS because it is pulled out by p-glycoprotien so DONT TRY TO GET HIGH WITH IT! it wont work. try that dose and tell us how it does for you. its great to know how things work for each person.
 
Im new here....first post. Im on day 10 of CT from 120-150mg oc per day. I'm hoping the worst is behind me, but when does the energy/motivation come back?
 
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