Well i got out of mt fourth rehab in one year a week ago. Im only 16 and have been an IV heroin user for 2 years, and cant stop. Now i have like 36 days clean, but im struggling bad from deppression, it seems like being clean isnt even that good. Im still miserable. i have good suport, and a sponsor in NA. But i have been thinking and i just want to do what the kid cudi sond day n night says and just free my mind. Im not happy at all and seems that weed will help a lot. not heroin but just weed. What you think? I think im destined for lonlyness and faliure and i just want to get high to free my mind. But with my family and all this its very hard. I cant let them down, but somtimes in life you have to be selfish. WHats your expirence?
-
The Dark Side 💕 Welcome Guest 💕
Posting Rules Bluelight Rules Notable Threads Urgent Hotlines Bereavement Mindfulness Suicide Support Anger Management -
TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android
struggling despertly
- Thread starter Dr.kush
- Start date
TheLostBoys
Bluelighter
It doesnt help that you got hooked on heroin from 14 yrs old & your brain is developing & still is at work fixing itself for another several years. Heroin only destroys it no matter what age but when you are this young, it can be disastrous. Everyone feels depression after going threw what you've gone threw but you not allowing your brain to develop under a healthy environment at a young age will be very difficult for your future.
Hopefully you can stay off the smack but young people your age get bored alot & since you've been addicted for a while, it will be difficult to find something else to occupy your time with. Good luck & hope you make it.
Hopefully you can stay off the smack but young people your age get bored alot & since you've been addicted for a while, it will be difficult to find something else to occupy your time with. Good luck & hope you make it.
Legerity
Bluelight Crew
- Joined
- Jul 29, 2010
- Messages
- 2,965
I would suggest specifically working on changing this belief. As long as you believe this you will not have peace of mind and will likely continue to look for external comforts to satisfy your needs. Believing something doesn't mean it's true, it just means that you believe it. If you are aware of which thoughts are controlling your behavior then you have already won half the battle.
OverDone
Bluelight Crew
- Joined
- Apr 14, 2008
- Messages
- 5,404
You're just bullshitting yourself by coming up with stupid reasons to use.
36 days clean is a long fucking time but, at the same time, it ain't shit. 36 days isn't nearly enough time to be finding relief from your 'misery'. You're experiencing the same discomfort, pain and unfamiliar emotions that everyone else does early in recovery. Its uncomfortable so you want to go back to the familiar territory that provided you comfort in the past. It don't work like that. You gotta bulldog through these initial 'growing pains' and maybe step your game up
If you've been shooting dope for the past two years, its safe to say that you've been plenty selfish thus far. Addicts like us think the universe revolves around us we disquise that self-centeredness in so many ways. If you want to improve your life, you'll need to start thinking of others and consider how your actions affect them.
Service to others is HUGE in staying clean and feeling better on the insides
All in all... it just sounds like you want to get high. Its normal to want this, man. Fuck... the last time you used was 37 days ago. Push through the bullshit you're trying to convince yourself of and at least give your recovery a chance before saying 'fuck it'. Weed ain't gonna cut it and its not going to take you to where you want to go. You'll experience disappointment and regret that will most likely take you back to the dope.
Your question is rigged. Why did you ask this on a message board designed for drug users? You'll probably get a bunch of responses here in TDS advising you to stay the course of not fucking around but, if your like most addicts, you'll grab onto the one reply that says 'yeah, go ahead and smoke, you'll be alright'.
these are the folks you should be talking to about this. Not a bunch of anonymous Internet <users> that don't know you nearly as well as your support system does.
36 days clean is a long fucking time but, at the same time, it ain't shit. 36 days isn't nearly enough time to be finding relief from your 'misery'. You're experiencing the same discomfort, pain and unfamiliar emotions that everyone else does early in recovery. Its uncomfortable so you want to go back to the familiar territory that provided you comfort in the past. It don't work like that. You gotta bulldog through these initial 'growing pains' and maybe step your game up
If you've been shooting dope for the past two years, its safe to say that you've been plenty selfish thus far. Addicts like us think the universe revolves around us we disquise that self-centeredness in so many ways. If you want to improve your life, you'll need to start thinking of others and consider how your actions affect them.
Service to others is HUGE in staying clean and feeling better on the insides
All in all... it just sounds like you want to get high. Its normal to want this, man. Fuck... the last time you used was 37 days ago. Push through the bullshit you're trying to convince yourself of and at least give your recovery a chance before saying 'fuck it'. Weed ain't gonna cut it and its not going to take you to where you want to go. You'll experience disappointment and regret that will most likely take you back to the dope.
Your question is rigged. Why did you ask this on a message board designed for drug users? You'll probably get a bunch of responses here in TDS advising you to stay the course of not fucking around but, if your like most addicts, you'll grab onto the one reply that says 'yeah, go ahead and smoke, you'll be alright'.
these are the folks you should be talking to about this. Not a bunch of anonymous Internet <users> that don't know you nearly as well as your support system does.
Last edited by a moderator:
anterrabae
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jan 28, 2007
- Messages
- 308
2 years on heroin and you expect to feel perfect in 36 days? Sorry, kiddo, it's going to take a few more months, possibly even more. Of course you're going to still feel miserable.
Weed may make you feel better, but in the long run it will only be detrimental to your sobriety I think.
You are not destined for loneliness or failure. You are still young. At your age, I thought the world was over for me. You have so much more to experience and so many new places to go and see.
If the depression is that bad, maybe seek the help of a professional. Although I've faith you can manage this on your own. You're lucky you quit when you did and that you haven't done any irreversible damage to your life.
Good luck, you can kick it for good.
Weed may make you feel better, but in the long run it will only be detrimental to your sobriety I think.
You are not destined for loneliness or failure. You are still young. At your age, I thought the world was over for me. You have so much more to experience and so many new places to go and see.
If the depression is that bad, maybe seek the help of a professional. Although I've faith you can manage this on your own. You're lucky you quit when you did and that you haven't done any irreversible damage to your life.
Good luck, you can kick it for good.
anterrabae
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jan 28, 2007
- Messages
- 308
Last edited by a moderator:
well i have thought about it for a while and i think of life, and i cant imagine it everything seems like its not going to happen, i know deep down that i cant make it, so i guess this thread was pointless...... i just like hearing your thoughts
anterrabae
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jan 28, 2007
- Messages
- 308
If you repeatedly tell yourself that you won't/can't be successful, then no, you might as well give up. I really don't think you were looking for help here but rather reinforcement.
There are no successful heroin addicts, just people who get clean and people who pass away.
You're going to throw away your whole life away just 'cause you can't accept a challenge? Think of all the people who will hurt because of your use, how much worse it will get...
Withdrawal's a bitch, most people on this forum are very familiar with the process. Wait for more responses. There are methods out there to make coming off dope easier. Probably 50 different threads on that topic alone.
There are no successful heroin addicts, just people who get clean and people who pass away.
You're going to throw away your whole life away just 'cause you can't accept a challenge? Think of all the people who will hurt because of your use, how much worse it will get...
Withdrawal's a bitch, most people on this forum are very familiar with the process. Wait for more responses. There are methods out there to make coming off dope easier. Probably 50 different threads on that topic alone.
theartofwar
Bluelighter
wow, OD you have overdone yourself. I love honesty, but the line between honesty and where you started to spit out your own agenda is so perfectly clear. NA people are guess what .... humans .... they fail , they don't know the answers to life's problems and secrets. Going to NA has helped me , having people with different feedbacks responding to threads also helps significantly. Take a big step back and take a look at what you wrote - I won't go in further unless prompted. But that was <out of line IMO>
Last edited by a moderator:
**hAyzzZZ**
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Feb 24, 2005
- Messages
- 1,567
It was not pointless.
You are 16. Shit I remember being that age, and I too had a drug addiction at that age, and it just made.everything.worse.
It takes time. I don't know the details of your life, but you're in NA, said you have a good sponsor, these are excellent things. Just keep going.
16 is a horrible age to be addicted to heroin, and I really hope that you can understand and appreciate that there is light at the end of it... I never thought I would ever make the right decisions for myself until I suffered for years through addiction and am now starting to make the right decisions. I have been getting help for one year now (help that's working anyway...) and slowly, over the past two years, I'm making good healthy decisions.
Don't give your best years away to addiction.
OverDone
Bluelight Crew
- Joined
- Apr 14, 2008
- Messages
- 5,404
taow, no agenda... I'm just of the opinion that if someone admittedly has a problem with drugs, they should probably not use them.
Dr. Kush, are there other things going on that are reinforcing that obsession to use? I got clean (again) not too long ago and there was definitely feelings of hopelessness and depression as well as a combination of hostility, resentment and fear. Those feelings started to dissipate but, for me, they still poke their heads out every now and then.
It sucks but these are things that we go through in the beginning and there's really no avoiding the discomfort and weird, foreign feelings. It won't last forever so you just gotta push through. Time is going to fuck with your head by making a week seem like a month. With that you'll probably be like 'wtf??? I should be better by now'. For me, finding other, more healthy means of getting outside of myself helped a lot. Still uncomfortable, but helpful nonetheless.
Reach out to your people and tell them what's going on in your head. Spons needs to hear this shit, man and it'll be helping him at the same time (which is another simple way of being in service)
Dr. Kush, are there other things going on that are reinforcing that obsession to use? I got clean (again) not too long ago and there was definitely feelings of hopelessness and depression as well as a combination of hostility, resentment and fear. Those feelings started to dissipate but, for me, they still poke their heads out every now and then.
It sucks but these are things that we go through in the beginning and there's really no avoiding the discomfort and weird, foreign feelings. It won't last forever so you just gotta push through. Time is going to fuck with your head by making a week seem like a month. With that you'll probably be like 'wtf??? I should be better by now'. For me, finding other, more healthy means of getting outside of myself helped a lot. Still uncomfortable, but helpful nonetheless.
Reach out to your people and tell them what's going on in your head. Spons needs to hear this shit, man and it'll be helping him at the same time (which is another simple way of being in service)
theartofwar
Bluelighter
OD , I understand what you are saying - so then would you consider the members here (drug users) with a specific forum for this type of advice as strongly as you did in your other past ? Because everyone on here is just another person , like the liars at groups , sponsors tha lie - fuck man , family etc - list never ends. Hit me up if you have time man, I'd like to catch up bro.
-stops hijacking thread-
-stops hijacking thread-
OverDone
Bluelight Crew
- Joined
- Apr 14, 2008
- Messages
- 5,404
i wouldn't consider that type of advice at all if I was still getting high OP isn't currently getting high and mentioned he/she was in NA so, an NA influenced response is what OP got
I keep my mouth shut (for the most part) here in TDS (the only forum of BL I post in) for that very reason. People are just needing some comfort without any real intention of stopping the most likely cause of their pain.
precisely why I made my apparently offensive comment (it was flippant, btw and not directed at anyone).
We're just a bunch of screen names offering suggestions, advice and maybe some temporary comfort but when you get to the balls of it, considering the source of advice is critical. None of us really know anything about anyone else here with the exception of what people reveal about themselves. Much of those revelations are simply attempts to project (or cling to) some sort of false identity.
Shit, looks like I'm becoming active in TDS again. Anyone can message me if they wanna say 'fuck you'.
OP, sorry for derailing and coming off harsh. For me, sometimes raw is best
I keep my mouth shut (for the most part) here in TDS (the only forum of BL I post in) for that very reason. People are just needing some comfort without any real intention of stopping the most likely cause of their pain.
precisely why I made my apparently offensive comment (it was flippant, btw and not directed at anyone).
We're just a bunch of screen names offering suggestions, advice and maybe some temporary comfort but when you get to the balls of it, considering the source of advice is critical. None of us really know anything about anyone else here with the exception of what people reveal about themselves. Much of those revelations are simply attempts to project (or cling to) some sort of false identity.
Shit, looks like I'm becoming active in TDS again. Anyone can message me if they wanna say 'fuck you'.
OP, sorry for derailing and coming off harsh. For me, sometimes raw is best
theartofwar
Bluelighter
fucks sake , I'm just gonna PM you and not wreck this dudes thread LoL - jus sec OD I get what u mean but I got questions n points bro. No "fuck you" - for now at least 
thanks for your posts,OD all that you said was true, but i want to change i just wanted to hear peoples experience and thoughts on my situation. Depression is a major factor in my using i just cant imagine my life without weed. I will like to say i have a GREAT family and life! I just for some reason feel miserable. Maybe cause my dad died when i was young,idk. But for me weed was like a friend for me same with heroin, i was never alone. It was me and my weed, and it feels like im just going to spend the rest of my life like that. I do MMA which i LOVE. But the depression over comes me, once i leave the gym, even when i start thinking while hitting the bags i stop and just sit and think. Im on Remeron and Celexa so i have meds.
OverDone
Bluelight Crew
- Joined
- Apr 14, 2008
- Messages
- 5,404
I can relate to the secure feeling that drugs provided. I felt more comfortable knowing I had weed on me and beer in the fridge and was even more satisfied knowing I was able to get something to put in a spike for that day/night/whatever.
I hate to sound like 'old head' here but, you are young so your mind/body is still going through a lot of natural changes on top of the changes you are going through in lifestyle so shits going to be a roller coaster for a bit. Everyone has to endure that but you got the 'addict' thing happening as well which makes it a bit more challenging.
The MMA thing might be a REAL positive. Folks like us tend to go hardcore into the things we love. Shit, you may become the next Royce Gracie (yeah, I'm showing my age ). For me, I started exercising pretty heavily and that helped with my moods and general confidence level. Maybe you can bump your workouts/training to the next level? Or, perhaps since you got the exercising of the body covered, maybe balance that with stepping up in the area of school and exercise the mind more?
Dude, I tend to be a bit aggressive and I apologize. I don't mean any harm and forget sometimes that my solutions may work for me but that doesn't mean they'll work for others.
I'm just throwing shit out there without knowing too much about ya. Thats why I think its best to shoot the shit with your support system. people who see you regularly and know you. I wish we could take your depression away but that's something that is going to have to be your personal battle.
Please just stay the course and give this being clean thing an honest effort. Its going to get easier. It won't happen right away but it will happen. For me, the best reward I received from getting clean was finally being comfortable in my own skin. That was HUGE!
I hate to sound like 'old head' here but, you are young so your mind/body is still going through a lot of natural changes on top of the changes you are going through in lifestyle so shits going to be a roller coaster for a bit. Everyone has to endure that but you got the 'addict' thing happening as well which makes it a bit more challenging.
The MMA thing might be a REAL positive. Folks like us tend to go hardcore into the things we love. Shit, you may become the next Royce Gracie (yeah, I'm showing my age
). For me, I started exercising pretty heavily and that helped with my moods and general confidence level. Maybe you can bump your workouts/training to the next level? Or, perhaps since you got the exercising of the body covered, maybe balance that with stepping up in the area of school and exercise the mind more?Dude, I tend to be a bit aggressive and I apologize. I don't mean any harm and forget sometimes that my solutions may work for me but that doesn't mean they'll work for others.
I'm just throwing shit out there without knowing too much about ya. Thats why I think its best to shoot the shit with your support system. people who see you regularly and know you. I wish we could take your depression away but that's something that is going to have to be your personal battle.
Please just stay the course and give this being clean thing an honest effort. Its going to get easier. It won't happen right away but it will happen. For me, the best reward I received from getting clean was finally being comfortable in my own skin. That was HUGE!
cj
Bluelight Crew
Im a little older then you Kush but I started using drugs heavy around 16 not heroin till later thank god. But if you can go out and smoke weed drink beer dose acid and be with your friends fuckin do it. But if everytime you do you end up on heroin then yea thats a big problem. Me personally I made a deal with myself I can do any drug that is not an opiate besides suboxone im prescribed. Oh snap theres an option get on suboxone for awhile I mean 4 rehabs by 16 obviously the programs not workin. What s it they say in the program doing the same things and expecting different results is insanity? Just some thoughts
Oh and I just wanted to ask some general questions that I think could be important. What are your parents feeling about you right now? Are you alowed to hang out with friends do you have a car? Like when my rents found out I relapsed on heroin thjey lik,e make me sit in the house all isolated and shit which is the worst thing IMO because then there is no chance to build positive relationships or find hobies or anything fun like that.
Oh and I just wanted to ask some general questions that I think could be important. What are your parents feeling about you right now? Are you alowed to hang out with friends do you have a car? Like when my rents found out I relapsed on heroin thjey lik,e make me sit in the house all isolated and shit which is the worst thing IMO because then there is no chance to build positive relationships or find hobies or anything fun like that.
Last edited:
thismighthurtabit
Bluelighter
When you use drugs like that for an extended period of time, your brain stops releasing a lot of "feel good" chemicals on it's own. It takes a while for your body to adjust back to normal. Congrats on the amount of time you've stayed sober already. It's really a lot longer than it sounds. But you don't ever have to know what it feels like to be sober 36 days again. It takes time, but it does continue to get better.
There are a lot of healthy ways to make yourself feel better without the aide of drug use. I know for myself, especially earlier on in recovery, that sitting alone in my own head was a very unsafe place for me to be. Try utilizing any and all tools you have to help yourself. Such as your sponsor, other people in recovery, family, sober friends etc. Find hobbies that you're interested in. On top of all of the general recovery tools, I continually try to focus on doing things that will have positive results.
When I feel down, the best thing I can do is find a way to help someone else out. Even if it's something very small. Do a small favor for someone, something that will help someone else out. And then, don't tell anyone about it. I know if I do things to help other people, and then don't take credit for it, it always makes me feel good about myself.
Just remember, it will continue to get better and better every day. There have been times in sobriety where I've felt like killing myself, but even that passes. Hang in there! It's worth it!
There are a lot of healthy ways to make yourself feel better without the aide of drug use. I know for myself, especially earlier on in recovery, that sitting alone in my own head was a very unsafe place for me to be. Try utilizing any and all tools you have to help yourself. Such as your sponsor, other people in recovery, family, sober friends etc. Find hobbies that you're interested in. On top of all of the general recovery tools, I continually try to focus on doing things that will have positive results.
When I feel down, the best thing I can do is find a way to help someone else out. Even if it's something very small. Do a small favor for someone, something that will help someone else out. And then, don't tell anyone about it. I know if I do things to help other people, and then don't take credit for it, it always makes me feel good about myself.
Just remember, it will continue to get better and better every day. There have been times in sobriety where I've felt like killing myself, but even that passes. Hang in there! It's worth it!
Thanks everyone!
Crimsonjunk: My dad died when i was 11, we went to see his grave today for fathers day. And my mom worries about me so much,same with my brother. But they are proud of me right now cause im clean now. But i just want to try and just smoke weed at night by myself. Its like my escape from my self made prison, Since I spend a lot of time alone its like i can go on adventures and get out of myself. I dont think im able to stay clean but im trying it feels like weed completes me....
Crimsonjunk: My dad died when i was 11, we went to see his grave today for fathers day. And my mom worries about me so much,same with my brother. But they are proud of me right now cause im clean now. But i just want to try and just smoke weed at night by myself. Its like my escape from my self made prison, Since I spend a lot of time alone its like i can go on adventures and get out of myself. I dont think im able to stay clean but im trying it feels like weed completes me....