Struggle to be free (Dear Mother)

[Mellabopper]

Freedom? What's that?
In my whole existence,
the closest thing to freedom I know
has been the past few months
when many miles were between us
and now i have returned
and constantly you tell me
indirectly
that i am a disappointment
so what if i am?
please then
just give up on me
that is all i want
for you to stop caring
so i wont bring you down
you say
i have had enough
of dying my hair
or putting metal into my body
but every step of the way
you restricted me
complained
told me how much it made you sick
just to look at me
my whole fuckin life
its whole existence i have lived
solely to please you.
many sleepless nights
studying, learning
so you would be proud
of me
of my grades
because scores are all that matter, right?
but i'm through with
hiding myself
killing myself inside
hating who i'd become
i was like that only because
its what you wanted
but i've had enough
i dont want you to approve
you'd never do that
i just want you to accept the fact
that i am me
for the first itme in my life
i feel independent
i am happy
i am me
and i come back for a holiday
to see you again
and quickly you want me to throw it all away
that thought tears my soul in two
i'd honestly rather kill myself
than live for anyone else
but me
ever again.
you cant teach me anything else
i'm grown up now
you have to sit back
and see that i still love you
but you can never understand me
no one in the family would
i have tried
but i only get disapproving words
well i'm sorry
if i'm not good enough for you
if i'm ont the "right" kind of person
to fit your cookie-cutter family
i realized today
that you are all draining me
my life
my soul
is dying at your hands
nothing matters if i cant be me
it took me so long to finally take a stand
break free
and i'd have to be dead to go back
to confinement
to conformity.
so i sit
on the verge of tears
on the verge of a break down
toying with the idea of death
but knowing that in four weeks
i will return to my life
away from here
i wish i could talk to you
tell you things that are important to me
tell you who i am
but you dont want to hear it
you'd never understand
i cant fight the tears any longer
its been so long sive i've cried
because i didnt have to
i was happy there
but here
i
am
dying.
12-20-00
Mellabopper
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~*~*~ meat is no treat for those you eat ~*~*~
animals are for petting!
"does anyone know where we are? because i think i dont have a clue"

 

[RaveAngel]

The worst thing about parents is that they always think they're right...even when we know they're not. For 19 years my parents and family tried to tell me who I was... so you can imagine how hard it was for me to even try to figure it out for myself. It took an unfortunate situation to help them let go of their idea of me, in order to see the REAL me. But even still it's hard sometimes. And during those times, I think how sad it is that the people in your life who are suppossed to be the most understanding, are instead the most judgemental and controlling. But you'll be free one day...when you can truly tell the difference between doing something for yourself or for somebody else. When you can be proud of yourself, when you know you've done your best, when you admit that you won't ever be able to make everyone happy. Just be you, forever, no matter what anyone else says. Don't let the man (or the mom) get ya down!
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If I had MY way I'd have all of you SHOT!!

 

[bc]

hey mel, you know i'm here for you.
i know the plaec you're at right now, i know i certainly went through it last year with my mom. you'll live, and things will work themselves out eventually. one day they'll accept the fact that you won't be their child forever, but it's hard for parents to let go, especially when you're their last child.
stay tough, i'll see you soon. luv you.
bc
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bc-
**Proud to be an Official member of the Stuck-Up/8-Up Crew**
"Fuck PLUR! it's all about hardcore ass fucking!!"
We'll make great pets...
"drug suppliers, typically wearing 'Ecko' brand sweat shirts shuffle around the dance floor, chanting softly, 'want some pills? k?'" - Shu Shin Luh, The Chicago Sun-Times

 

[EvoldicA]

I don't understand how this whole thing works out. I mean.. your parents were kids once, and their parents were the same.. It doesnt seem right to me to be the same way again.. why not be better? Or it could just be part of being a kid and part of being a parent.. Either way. I've been there too mella.. email me or talk to me on chat sometime if you want

 

[sunEdltye]

Mell-
Very powerful and emotional. Your words moved me deeply, and i want to thank you for sharing your intimate thoughts with us. I'm here for you for whatever you need. I make a great punching bag

AIM= Hybridboi16
Evan

 

[Zennie]

first off mels, your growing awareness and use of words is awesome. this totally moved me...maybe because i understand, or maybe just because of your incredible use of language.
secondly, going home is hard...three years into college i still pull and push with my mother when i get home. you find all this freedom and independence away from home and then it seems like you have to fight not to slip back into what it was like when you still lived at home...but don't give up.
your mother does love you, she just doesn't know how to let you go and be your own person. show her and she'll work with you.
love,
susan - zen

 

[ShelleBear]

Mels,
Its amazing how I can read your poetry, and sometimes see my own thoughts and feelings in them. You have found yourself and thats all that matters sweetie. I moved out the day I was 18....day after my birthday, Im 23 now. And all I can say is wow. You put the feelings I had back then right into words that I could swear that I had written. Just remember, its only a short while, and in time your mother will come to understand you. Your growing up, becoming independant and that probably scares the crap out of her.
Just think about how fast time flies.....4 weeks will go by really fast.
Drop me an email if you need to chat. Im always here for you, and anyone else on bluelight.
Hang in there.
Shelle

 

[silentpoet]

i'm where u r now mella. i'm on the verge of tears, holding myself back. I need to move on, i need to be free. I need to be ME. Thank you for giving me the strength to realize that i'm doing the right thing, that being me is all that is important.

 

[Mellabopper]

its realy weird - reading this again, about 8 months later... and how much has changed since then.
but i remember exactly how it felt to be stuck in a cage b/c of the parents. i wouldnt budge on my appearance/activites, nor would they.
in these past 8 months it has been hard at times and i guess i'm just going through a good spell with my parents. i've learned to somewhat compromise as have they. i cant believe i was so unhappy/miserable/angry then. things get better - they always do.
cheers,
Mella

 

[E-girl]

i know this feeling all too well. i dont understand my parents sometimes... and it makes me hate them. but it seems that months later (or even years later) i look back and realize how right they were, how smart... how much they loved me, and how much i took that for granted.
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E-girl
IM: tiggersgurl2067
"...there are 2 paths, you can go back, but in the long run... there's still time to change the road you're on..."

 

[Dagny]

Damn do I know exactly what you were talking about. My mother has never been able to accept the fact that any decision that I've made without her was right in any way. I just turned 24, and this is still the same. But I can love her around that... and I know that she'll still love me. We may not like each other much, and that stinks sometimes, but that's why we get to choose our friends.

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The space between the tears we cry, is the laughter that keeps us coming back for more.