stressed!!!

[tackyspiral]

hey i am sure everyone is tired of me talk about this stuff but...

i feel like bluelight is the best place to talk to people who understand...

although i find some useful answers on pregnancy forums alot of them are women stressing about ridiculous issues .... like oh i gained ten pounds in my first trimester... tear.... or i feel guilty for drinking a cup of coffee type things

so far everything is going really well i had an ultrasound at 20 weeks and it showed everything to be perfects and doc said its rare for birth defects to occur later on
but i still worry about autism, low iq, etc. etc.

at any rate obviously i am still a little up and down and today i am down... but over the last few weeks my stress has just been building and building
i am taking my last 3 college classes to graduate and i am sooooo nervous about completing my final projects... of course these are some of the most challenging classes i have ever taken in college (its not that they are higher level they are just wayyyy out of my comfort zone and i personally prefer tests over projects)
all i can think is what if i dont finish... my parents will disown me and i dont know i will get another chance to finish
and i am having such a hard time concentrating....

plus its really really hard being off my benzos and i do take a small dose here and there but i feel so goddamn guilty about it when i do even though i think the main concern is the baby being born dependent and i was able to stop taking them daily
i tried taking half a pill of my vyvanse a couple times ... don't know that it really helped but of course i feel guilty and on top of that for some reason i never have the urge to smoke cigs unless i take vyvanse and i smoked a few...
realistically i dont think a few cigs is going to really do a lot of damage but i feel bad and i feel bad about the vyvanse and the benzos
well i cant take back what i have done... but i am having a hard time.... what if i cant get through the semester?

and its not like everything is great after i finish school ... i am supposed to move to central cali where my bf's family lives and i am scared out of my mind plus i have no idea how we will support a child, and get set up in a house
and what if i hate it there?

i am just scared and anxious... its always been an issue but its really hard now esp cuz i cant just go to a bar... and i am scared to tell a lot of people all this because i dont want to be judged
i have come a long way but i am anxious and i hate myself for picking this retarded major at school god damn it lol

i want so badly to have a healthy baby ... and i want to graduate ... and if i do by some miracle finish these classes and get decent grades i will graduate with magna cum laude

the rest of college was pretty damn easy for me rrrrrrr.... i really needed to vent

also i ask if you do respond please dont tell me what a horrible person i am it might break me!

ps sorry for long post and hopefully it will help just to vent

 

[Pagey]

Tacky, it's perfectly normal for you to feel so stressed out right now - you have so many huge things going on in your life at the moment and no one can blame you for feeling overwhelmed. I'm sure the pregnancy hormones are also multiplying the angst by like 100.
Just try to take things one at a time! You're thinking very far in advance, which is of course normal since you're about to have a child, but still - try to focus on the present and getting things done as they come.
We've only talked a few times but it's obvious you're a great person with a lot of integrity and I've got no doubt you'll be a wonderful mother. I really believe that.

Regarding the benzos etc. - it would of course be way better if you could stop taking them; I'd say see your guilt as a motivator. It'll be tough to go without them but at least you'll have that burden of guilt off your chest
You can do it

 

[mrflowers00]

the small amount of drugs you consumed is so very unlikely to harm your child i'd say it's negligible but try to deal with the stress other ways not just for you child but you as well maybe see a therapist

 

[tackyspiral]

partly i think i am just having a bad day.... grrr hormones....

I need to get these classes overwith hopefully that will help a little until i have to worry about moving across the country that is!!!

nothing is easy i guess.... but what if what if what if i dont get my projects done...
there isnt a lot people can say to that but i am just so terrified and its making me freak out

and i am soooo used to relying on well substance "crutches"

 

[mrflowers00]

yeah i rely on medications for anxiety and depression and pain but if you can find a way to take care of yourself without drugs thats really the way to go

 

[tackyspiral]

agreed but i havent found it yet...
as for a therapist i agree but its sometimes hard to find a good one and i may be leaving the area kinda soon

 

[herbavore]

Tacky, it is going to be fine. I know all the stress of college is really intense right now but try to put that in perspective. Let's say your worst fears about school come true and you blow your final projects. Most professors and universities want to work with students who are close to graduating to help them get everything done. Even though they don't offer solutions beforehand, they often soften when things go seriously awry--especially for a student who is dealing with a pregnancy at the same time. My son just went through a similar panic over school and he was very surprised at how kind and flexible his previously unresponsive department was when he let them know why he was struggling.

Your parents are about to become grandparents. Are they really so callous that they would disown you and forgo a relationship with their own grandchild over not graduating? They may have said things in the past to indicate that, but I suspect it was mostly bluffing. Some parents think they have to come down really tough and use fear as motivation. Have you talked to them at all about your panic?

As far as the health of your baby goes, it is such a natural feeling to worry, especially with your first baby. One of the best things you can do for yourself as a mother and for your baby as he grows and changes and unfolds into his own sense of self is to trust that he will be OK; to trust the knowledge that worry never helps anything. It is the hardest thing you will ever be called on to do. As you are already experiencing, it is natural to worry. You are worried out of love. You want the best for your baby. You want everything to go smoothly. Who wouldn't want that for the new life about to begin? The paradox is that trusting that everything in the future will be OK makes everything so much more manageable in the present thereby creating a smoother path to the future.

Take time each morning and night to breathe and be still. Talk to your baby positively about yourself. Assure him that you are strong and capable. In the process of doing that you will center yourself for the day and decrease your stress (and therefore his!).

So much love to you. You are already an amazing mama. ((((()))))

 

[tackyspiral]

thank you herby
i have calmed down quite a bit now

i get down on myself partly because its only 9 credit hours for gods sake and my mom keeps telling me how she worked full time through all of her pregnancies

I need to forgive myself... its also frustrating because i feel like i am sooo easily distracted i cant even sit through an hour long tv show anymore...