*Cosmic Mist*
Bluelighter
Have you ever just typed and typed without stopping to think about what you're actually typing? Well if you have, it might resemble this:
Sometimes life turns to shit and you lash out at things that are of absolutely no consequence to yourself in order to make yourself feel better...
Then you start talking to yourself, and hearing noises that aren't really there... and you shake alllllll the time - and you realise that you don't really take that many drugs, so it couldn't be that, and when was the last time you took a drug anyway? It must be back in August, and before that, November... damnit... what the fuck is wrong with you? YOu wake up in cold sweats, convulsing and kicking the walls.
You pour your heart and soul into various virtual and physical journals, which no longer bring you any comfort.
You shower with the music so loud that no one can ear you screaming, and shower with the hot water turned on full, and the cold water turned off altogether.
You have no finger nails left because you have chewed them all off, and you haven't dyed your hair in months because you just can't be fucked - now your hair has that weird two tone effect happening that you used to mock in others.
You breathe in, and when you do, it feels as though you are going to explode into a million tiny pieces all over your study wals and carpet. But you're glad you don't explode, because the cleaners aren't going to be coming around for at least another 5 weeks, and the thought of having to clean your own blood up off the cream coloured carpet really doesn't appeal to you.
It's at this point you realise that you really should be studying for that big MPO test on tomorrow afternoon.
Sure it's not until 4pm, but you haven't studied at all apart from the 1 1/2 hours you spend reading the textbook in bed yesterday morning.
SO you carefully consider your options, while still typing of course.
You can either: got to bed now, content in the knowledge that you will have done absolutely no work on anything study related today whatsoever; or you can go and study some more before doing some yoga and going to restful sleep.
In the middle of trying to decide however, you are distracted by your own voice on the computer's music playing system.
You are thrown by this, and know not what to say, nor think.
You're unsure as to the quality of this song, however everyone else assures you that it's definately one of the more interesting songs that you and your band have written to date. The irony is not lost on you - this song you're listening to came about almost by accident as much as anything else. But hearing it makes you smile, even if it is a morbid song about the bubonic plague.
hah! humour is such a subjective thing...
WOndering if anyone is actually going to bother to read this, your mind flicks back to the decision that is at hand:
To stay and type?
To Study (definately the best option)?
Or to go to bed?
It's an easy decision really.
You choose to stay and type.
I mean after all, that what the woman who came and did that 4 unit english workshop with you last year told you to do.
If the words keep coming, then write about them. Well the words are still coming, so keep writting you shall, regardless of the spelling mistakes, gramatical errors, and typing fiascoes, and not even marylin manson can stop you! NO NO! Typing is what seems appropriate at this point in time...
Isn't that what stream of conciousness writting is all about? to just let it all out, and worry about the consequences later?
You worry a bit about this thought though - the last time you let out what you really thought, you were hurt and betrayed - left with little respect for the other person involved, and absolutely none for yourself.
DO you really want that again?
no...
but you don't want to keep it all inside you either, do you?
*Screams*
What to do?
what to do!!!?!
You fret endlessly about what turns out to be a lost cause anyway, because you are certain that your feelings will not be reciprocated.
Hah!
That's a laugh!
Just like every other time that has been a laugh... because if it's not a laugh, then it's a scream, and screaming is something that no one can hear, especially when the music us up full bore, and the water is as hot as you can get it, which doesn't seem to be as hot as it used to be anyway...
Sometimes life turns to shit and you lash out at things that are of absolutely no consequence to yourself in order to make yourself feel better...
Then you start talking to yourself, and hearing noises that aren't really there... and you shake alllllll the time - and you realise that you don't really take that many drugs, so it couldn't be that, and when was the last time you took a drug anyway? It must be back in August, and before that, November... damnit... what the fuck is wrong with you? YOu wake up in cold sweats, convulsing and kicking the walls.
You pour your heart and soul into various virtual and physical journals, which no longer bring you any comfort.
You shower with the music so loud that no one can ear you screaming, and shower with the hot water turned on full, and the cold water turned off altogether.
You have no finger nails left because you have chewed them all off, and you haven't dyed your hair in months because you just can't be fucked - now your hair has that weird two tone effect happening that you used to mock in others.
You breathe in, and when you do, it feels as though you are going to explode into a million tiny pieces all over your study wals and carpet. But you're glad you don't explode, because the cleaners aren't going to be coming around for at least another 5 weeks, and the thought of having to clean your own blood up off the cream coloured carpet really doesn't appeal to you.
It's at this point you realise that you really should be studying for that big MPO test on tomorrow afternoon.
Sure it's not until 4pm, but you haven't studied at all apart from the 1 1/2 hours you spend reading the textbook in bed yesterday morning.
SO you carefully consider your options, while still typing of course.
You can either: got to bed now, content in the knowledge that you will have done absolutely no work on anything study related today whatsoever; or you can go and study some more before doing some yoga and going to restful sleep.
In the middle of trying to decide however, you are distracted by your own voice on the computer's music playing system.
You are thrown by this, and know not what to say, nor think.
You're unsure as to the quality of this song, however everyone else assures you that it's definately one of the more interesting songs that you and your band have written to date. The irony is not lost on you - this song you're listening to came about almost by accident as much as anything else. But hearing it makes you smile, even if it is a morbid song about the bubonic plague.
hah! humour is such a subjective thing...
WOndering if anyone is actually going to bother to read this, your mind flicks back to the decision that is at hand:
To stay and type?
To Study (definately the best option)?
Or to go to bed?
It's an easy decision really.
You choose to stay and type.
I mean after all, that what the woman who came and did that 4 unit english workshop with you last year told you to do.
If the words keep coming, then write about them. Well the words are still coming, so keep writting you shall, regardless of the spelling mistakes, gramatical errors, and typing fiascoes, and not even marylin manson can stop you! NO NO! Typing is what seems appropriate at this point in time...
Isn't that what stream of conciousness writting is all about? to just let it all out, and worry about the consequences later?
You worry a bit about this thought though - the last time you let out what you really thought, you were hurt and betrayed - left with little respect for the other person involved, and absolutely none for yourself.
DO you really want that again?
no...
but you don't want to keep it all inside you either, do you?
*Screams*
What to do?
what to do!!!?!
You fret endlessly about what turns out to be a lost cause anyway, because you are certain that your feelings will not be reciprocated.
Hah!
That's a laugh!
Just like every other time that has been a laugh... because if it's not a laugh, then it's a scream, and screaming is something that no one can hear, especially when the music us up full bore, and the water is as hot as you can get it, which doesn't seem to be as hot as it used to be anyway...
