"Story Of MY Life"- Bi-polar Disorder and self medication and suicide

[T9358]

I may not have alot oof post, but ive been lurking for a long ass time, ive been diagnosed BP disorder with chronic insomnia.
this diagnosis came when i was 15 in wich i was prescribed adderall 30mg and zyprexa 20mg for 4 years, spending my childhood RxED methylphenidate and amphetamines for ''add'' wich manifested or actually was BP disorder.

Long story short ive been arrested 3 times and placed in psychiatric hospitals 4 times mostly agianst my will, this all happend during the period of age 16-24. I have been through many Docs (psychs) and found one thats right for me ie:listens and semms to care!!, have had cutting/suicidal ideations/ hate the world want to kill my self problem as well.

just to top it off i always have an always will have a facination with drugs, i know alot about pharmacology and modest neuropharm Knowledge, this left me with at a young age trying every drug known to dampen this monster that is BP/chronic depression....

I have ripped through countless relationships,friendships, and have made my family lock my ass up, i simply cant rely on anybody for advive thats not a random person without the risk of repercussions, I did what i thought was best i quit smoking pot, stopped a 7 year opiate addiction(pharms), No drinking and have limited myself to very rare psychedelic/dissociative use as stims make me suicidal, and modest opioid use, basically as a last minute escape button.Yet i have expirience with a vast amount of chemicals

Im in a highly volitile relationship( more gas to the fire i know) and i wont justify my use of chemicals to on a terrible day remove myself if you will from my mind and my stress, not to mention prevent self harm.

My question is to anybody who suffers bi-polar depression thats hit the fork in the road in life: what have you done to move on from seemingly destructive relationships, dampen the desire to escape ( keep in mind modern pharmacology has for the most part failed me) and do you justify escaping every now and then?

I know exercise/healthy eating/good influences are the best please understand im already doing these things and have a loving family, im the destructive force i feel and would like to know how others cope with either substance abuse or BP or both...... keep in mind no matter how great im doing in life my mind is there to fuck me, it always has, and seemingly always will yet i remeain positive...sadly

thankyou to anybody who chimes in glad theres a spot for this love the site, have loved it for years!

 

[herbavore]

There are many people in this forum that suffer from Bipolar. We have a megathread devoted to it here but many feel that their posts get lost in the mega threads so it is good you started one.

It sounds like you have come a very long way in terms of learning to manage the condition by understanding it and being open to working with a doctor. It always makes me so angry that there are so few psychiatrists anymore that actually listen and have empathy--why should finding one like that be so near to impossible?

Getting into destructive relationships can have myriad sources deep in the subconscious and that is something not necessarily related to having bi-polar. Sometimes it is what is familiar (follows a pattern set by your parents), sometimes it is in reaction to how you are raised (over-protected as a child wanting risk and drama as an adult) and sometimes it is a form of self-punishment (this is all I deserve). Sometimes we are attracted to wonderful people as friends but dangerous people (for us) as sexual partners. Basically, it all comes down to self-discovery and that is a lifelong process. What do I want? What attracts me initially but then what sustains me?

Good luck.It's a bumpy road without bi-polar but definitely can get near impassable with it. The tradeoff is that it also seems to come with some big bonuses, not the least of which is depth of emotion. Kudos to you on getting control of your drug use.

 

[T9358]

Thank you and your right life is a bumpy road and BP disorder makes it that much more of a challeng, although i consider myself enlightened by this gift/illness, as its tought me alot and made me understand things i find would be hard if i had not been humbled so many times by this mental disorder, im in a great position as my loved ones and psychiatrist are very understanding and actually listen to me, it hasnt always been like this and ive had to go through many docs to find a good one, i guess my advice to any out there who suffer from BP or frelated disorders with polydrug abuse past problems of current is that

no matter how bad it gets if you fight ( wich many people who are BP dont realize how resilient/determined people they are) you will come out a better person and it took alot of time for me to get my wish to escape into wonderland with drugs to a minimum, i by no means think im out of the woods yet, but am greatful for every day, good or bad, im still alive and fighting!!