nothinginside
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Sep 25, 2002
- Messages
- 491
i turn this dialog off when i go into hyperfocus...
my being is strange.. it's kind of an extreme of certain values of a human being.
one value, is socialization, communication.
one value, is thought... observation and understanding.
the problem with me.. is i've always been so easy to detach from my environment.. naturally add, probably due to earlier problems with hearing. I had problems with speech.. certain things were hard. the only problem, however, was the letter s.
I can remember .. maybe it's just me creating a memory.. of my life when i was around 2 or 3 of 4 or 5 or 6.. no idea. I remember hearing people talk. I remember that I couldn't hear well. I can see how not hearing well could make me not discipher the 'ssssss' sound out of s... so it was more of a whistle.. a lispe of sorts.
anyways. to get on with it. I feel like because of my ailment as a child, I might have become more internal, not being able to keep up with the external world... It would bore me, because it would never be to the point, which is the only way i know how to understand things.
only when things were drawn out.. could i see how they connected.
so i would observe... learn.. By 6th grade I had my own sci-fi universe.. many of them.. that i would fall into by the time school started, sometimes letting up when we had science.
jump forward a little.......
i feel as though being cut off from the world has allowed me to understand it more.. i was almost more mature because for about 10 years of my 21 years, i've been in and out of surgeries and doctors offices, had a mastoidectomy to remove the spongy part of the mastoid bone and cavity of the ear. Two of my ear bones were removed due to infection, my canal reconstructed, and my diseased ear drum replaced with a flap of muscle from the mastoid area.
Internal dialog was all i had at this time. That and my videogames.
I've had various surgeries to implant tubes... which were because of all of my infections
... basically.. i've had a lot of shit that's shaped me/scarred me.. as everyone has..
now i have tmj.. which debilitates speech and causes pain in areas related to the ear, teeth, neck, lymphatic systems....
for a year now the lymph nodes on the left side of my body have been inflammed.. due to an imbalance.
all caused by tmj.. all caused by something...
all interrelated at least.. always had problems with the head (physically).. always caused a lot of trauma on me.
and now at age 21.. i have perfect hemispheric balance.. i have this because i had to have this.. i wouldn't have had this had i had a greater connection to the world.. yet all i could do was observe.. and now that's about all i do..
I have a tendency to jump back and fourth on issues but i always say it can go further, because it does. It's like my two hemispheres are in constant arguement/agreement. every test i've every taken having to deal with personality or hemispherical balance says that i have perfect balance. normally within 2% of perfect symmetry. (i don't believe these numbers are accurate.. only on a scale)...
when the two hemispheres are full cooperation, that is when my peak levels are (duh).. and around these times i have been unbeatable in any video game i play hahaha.. nm.. that's just halo. that's a strange game... you ever pay attention to the workings behind the coordination of such a game? excellent multihemispherical excercise
anyways..
i'm done rambling.. basically i believe a human being has to have a little bit of both things.....
the internal dialog normally slows as one gets older anyways.. you tend to fall more into an encoded mesh that is "you".
But there are higher planes of existance that you.
that can be encompassed.. only if you just let go
but that's just our multileveled reality.. there really is no right or wrong.
everything is relative.
TMJ
my being is strange.. it's kind of an extreme of certain values of a human being.
one value, is socialization, communication.
one value, is thought... observation and understanding.
the problem with me.. is i've always been so easy to detach from my environment.. naturally add, probably due to earlier problems with hearing. I had problems with speech.. certain things were hard. the only problem, however, was the letter s.
I can remember .. maybe it's just me creating a memory.. of my life when i was around 2 or 3 of 4 or 5 or 6.. no idea. I remember hearing people talk. I remember that I couldn't hear well. I can see how not hearing well could make me not discipher the 'ssssss' sound out of s... so it was more of a whistle.. a lispe of sorts.
anyways. to get on with it. I feel like because of my ailment as a child, I might have become more internal, not being able to keep up with the external world... It would bore me, because it would never be to the point, which is the only way i know how to understand things.
only when things were drawn out.. could i see how they connected.
so i would observe... learn.. By 6th grade I had my own sci-fi universe.. many of them.. that i would fall into by the time school started, sometimes letting up when we had science.
jump forward a little.......
i feel as though being cut off from the world has allowed me to understand it more.. i was almost more mature because for about 10 years of my 21 years, i've been in and out of surgeries and doctors offices, had a mastoidectomy to remove the spongy part of the mastoid bone and cavity of the ear. Two of my ear bones were removed due to infection, my canal reconstructed, and my diseased ear drum replaced with a flap of muscle from the mastoid area.
Internal dialog was all i had at this time. That and my videogames.
I've had various surgeries to implant tubes... which were because of all of my infections
... basically.. i've had a lot of shit that's shaped me/scarred me.. as everyone has..
now i have tmj.. which debilitates speech and causes pain in areas related to the ear, teeth, neck, lymphatic systems....
for a year now the lymph nodes on the left side of my body have been inflammed.. due to an imbalance.
all caused by tmj.. all caused by something...
all interrelated at least.. always had problems with the head (physically).. always caused a lot of trauma on me.
and now at age 21.. i have perfect hemispheric balance.. i have this because i had to have this.. i wouldn't have had this had i had a greater connection to the world.. yet all i could do was observe.. and now that's about all i do..
I have a tendency to jump back and fourth on issues but i always say it can go further, because it does. It's like my two hemispheres are in constant arguement/agreement. every test i've every taken having to deal with personality or hemispherical balance says that i have perfect balance. normally within 2% of perfect symmetry. (i don't believe these numbers are accurate.. only on a scale)...
when the two hemispheres are full cooperation, that is when my peak levels are (duh).. and around these times i have been unbeatable in any video game i play hahaha.. nm.. that's just halo. that's a strange game... you ever pay attention to the workings behind the coordination of such a game? excellent multihemispherical excercise
anyways..
i'm done rambling.. basically i believe a human being has to have a little bit of both things.....
the internal dialog normally slows as one gets older anyways.. you tend to fall more into an encoded mesh that is "you".
But there are higher planes of existance that you.
that can be encompassed.. only if you just let go
but that's just our multileveled reality.. there really is no right or wrong.
everything is relative.
TMJ