soulfly
Bluelight Crew
Who is Soulfly?
well, i'm sitting here in front of this computer, smoking a bowl, like i used to almost every night. I haven't done this in a long time. I'm not nearly as comfortable as i used to be though. I'm laying on the floor, on a dirty old rug...because i don't have space in my room for a chair...or a computer desk. I've been thinking a lot lately, and i guess i've been doing a lot of reflecting.
I've been wondering where i am, how i got here, and who i am this very day. It's really hard to tell people who you are when you're a stranger to yourself. Am i happier now? I ask myself this question every single day. Have things gotten easier? I know the answer to that question is "no". Have things gotten "better"? Not quite as easy to answer that one.
I don't cry every night and break things like i used to. I no longer dream of the day that the flames of my mother's fists would not burn me. The fear is gone, but the pain will never be completely gone. I have accepted that i never had a family, and that my mother truly believes that i am worthless. I rarely picture myself dead anymore... and honsetly, i don't want to know what that would feel like anymore.
The depression anthems that used to play over and over again in my head don't have the same effect any more. The tormented voice of Chino Moreno of the Deftones has been drowned out by Oakie's pumping bass.
I feel that for the first time in my life, i've finally managed to take that first step away from that edge. I lived waiting to die...trying to take matters into my own hands twice.
The most vivid memory i have of anything, was laying in that emergency room, watching all the contents of my stomach leave my body through a tube and into a plastic jar. That night, i realized a lot of things. I promised myself that no matter what happened, i would not end up here again.
Well, things actually got worse, and i cried a lot more, i had nothing left in me. I kept my promise to myself.
I found myself alone, very alone. I cut ties with all of the bad people in my life (which consisted of all of my friends, and my fiancee at the time). I tried talking to professionals, who never seemed interested in a single thing i had to say...and handed me prescriptions. They all told me i'd never get better on my own.
Well, the medications combined with my raging alcoholism only succeeded in making me physically sicker. I tried it their way...now i was going to try mine.
I spent 8 months in my own world, rarely going out and losing touch with the few remaining relationships i had. Eventually, an old friend/girlfriend came home from college. Well. she brought back with her something that would change my life...even though i didn't know it.
Having been at the peak of my drug experimental phase, she had brought two little white diamond pills with her. I, who had no problem snorting, swallowing, or drinking just about anything, was even really nervous about these pills. I had heard of extacy before, but i heard that they were basically a "drug cocktail", and that you had no idea what you were getting, that's why it was so expensive. Heroin, coke, speed, whatever, were it's intended contents.
Despite my fear, i swallowed a pill...and a second two hours later. this was one year ago last night
that night is a story within itself... but after that, all other drugs seemed rediculous.
Extacy had changed all the rules of emotion...and i lived for it
But in return, i was greeted with hysterical depression the following day... and i'd cry for about three days after...and not speak to anyone the rest of the week.
After I witnessed my friend overdose in my car one night offof bad pills, we promised each other that we would stay away from the drug for a long time. We both lied to each other for months about our continued use.
*pause to light a cigarette*
Last october, i went with my friend peter to a club in New Hampshire called Boom. I had never been to this club, and i heard it was a fun place to roll. So we took the 45 minute ride that would change everything.
We got there and i felt more uncomfortable than i had ever been in my whole life. I saw 18 year old men and women with pacifiers in their mouths, and i didn't like the idea of hanging around with kids 4-6 years younger than me. I don't remember what the pills were... but i sat by myself all night... fucked up out my mind phyiscally, but sadder than i had ever been. I don't rember her name, but an angel dressed in bright colors and bracelets sat next to me and asked if I was ok. I looked at her with huge pupils and put my head on her shoulder. She sat with me, in total silence for a minute, then stood me up... gave me the warmest hug i have ever felt, and a smile that shattered the misery. A moment later, a kid with no shirt on saw that my jaw was clenching and put a blow pop in my mouth, hugged me annd walked away...
they made me realize the only thing that would truly ever make me happy... and maybe the calling to my entire existence. I learned that seeing someone happy, or at least feel better, from something that i've done would free me from my chains.
When i woke up the next evening... i hadn't felt the same mind numbing depression that i ALWAYS felt the next day... just really tired and a slightly nausous stomach.
The rave scene has become my opportunity to bring happiness to random people though a hug, a unintelligent conversation, a good pill, or just a blow pop. This is what candy means to me, and this has spilled over into the rest of my life. It's become such a part of me that I know i can never let it go.
Now today, the drug doesn't feel the way it used to, and i know it never will again. I still like it... but i guess you can only have so many life-altering experiences.
Pretty soon i plan on leaving this drug behind...because it has already done more than any doctor ever could. It has tought me that bringing others happiness makes my pain go away...and that everybody in this wrold needs something whether they admit it or not... my challenge is just to figure out what that is and try to get it for them. Everyone, not just ravers, needs to find their candy kid.
So PLEASE, we are in difficult times...our scene is crumbling aorund us. Please be smart... use your heads... remember what PLUR means.... and don't be afraid, or "too cool" to hug the person dancing next to you. Tell them that they are an incredible, worthy human being..they may have been told that they aren't their whole lives. Give out bracelets, they make people smile. Look around for anyone that seems like they're not having a good time, and try to brighten their night. Hug, don't shake hands when you meet people. It's ok to be upset at the end of the night... and it's ok for guys to kiss other guys on the cheek, and not seem "gay"
And ALWAYS bring plenty of candy, and give it to random people... you never know who's jaw may be clenching...
-----soulfly 5/10/00
------------------
"...or if you're just "Soulfly" people will think you missed the Groovenation train or somethin"--Rollergirl
*"Hey Train!!! K=Good!"*
**Kamel Red Light Krew**
well, i'm sitting here in front of this computer, smoking a bowl, like i used to almost every night. I haven't done this in a long time. I'm not nearly as comfortable as i used to be though. I'm laying on the floor, on a dirty old rug...because i don't have space in my room for a chair...or a computer desk. I've been thinking a lot lately, and i guess i've been doing a lot of reflecting.
I've been wondering where i am, how i got here, and who i am this very day. It's really hard to tell people who you are when you're a stranger to yourself. Am i happier now? I ask myself this question every single day. Have things gotten easier? I know the answer to that question is "no". Have things gotten "better"? Not quite as easy to answer that one.
I don't cry every night and break things like i used to. I no longer dream of the day that the flames of my mother's fists would not burn me. The fear is gone, but the pain will never be completely gone. I have accepted that i never had a family, and that my mother truly believes that i am worthless. I rarely picture myself dead anymore... and honsetly, i don't want to know what that would feel like anymore.
The depression anthems that used to play over and over again in my head don't have the same effect any more. The tormented voice of Chino Moreno of the Deftones has been drowned out by Oakie's pumping bass.
I feel that for the first time in my life, i've finally managed to take that first step away from that edge. I lived waiting to die...trying to take matters into my own hands twice.
The most vivid memory i have of anything, was laying in that emergency room, watching all the contents of my stomach leave my body through a tube and into a plastic jar. That night, i realized a lot of things. I promised myself that no matter what happened, i would not end up here again.
Well, things actually got worse, and i cried a lot more, i had nothing left in me. I kept my promise to myself.
I found myself alone, very alone. I cut ties with all of the bad people in my life (which consisted of all of my friends, and my fiancee at the time). I tried talking to professionals, who never seemed interested in a single thing i had to say...and handed me prescriptions. They all told me i'd never get better on my own.
Well, the medications combined with my raging alcoholism only succeeded in making me physically sicker. I tried it their way...now i was going to try mine.
I spent 8 months in my own world, rarely going out and losing touch with the few remaining relationships i had. Eventually, an old friend/girlfriend came home from college. Well. she brought back with her something that would change my life...even though i didn't know it.
Having been at the peak of my drug experimental phase, she had brought two little white diamond pills with her. I, who had no problem snorting, swallowing, or drinking just about anything, was even really nervous about these pills. I had heard of extacy before, but i heard that they were basically a "drug cocktail", and that you had no idea what you were getting, that's why it was so expensive. Heroin, coke, speed, whatever, were it's intended contents.
Despite my fear, i swallowed a pill...and a second two hours later. this was one year ago last night
that night is a story within itself... but after that, all other drugs seemed rediculous.
Extacy had changed all the rules of emotion...and i lived for it
But in return, i was greeted with hysterical depression the following day... and i'd cry for about three days after...and not speak to anyone the rest of the week.
After I witnessed my friend overdose in my car one night offof bad pills, we promised each other that we would stay away from the drug for a long time. We both lied to each other for months about our continued use.
*pause to light a cigarette*
Last october, i went with my friend peter to a club in New Hampshire called Boom. I had never been to this club, and i heard it was a fun place to roll. So we took the 45 minute ride that would change everything.
We got there and i felt more uncomfortable than i had ever been in my whole life. I saw 18 year old men and women with pacifiers in their mouths, and i didn't like the idea of hanging around with kids 4-6 years younger than me. I don't remember what the pills were... but i sat by myself all night... fucked up out my mind phyiscally, but sadder than i had ever been. I don't rember her name, but an angel dressed in bright colors and bracelets sat next to me and asked if I was ok. I looked at her with huge pupils and put my head on her shoulder. She sat with me, in total silence for a minute, then stood me up... gave me the warmest hug i have ever felt, and a smile that shattered the misery. A moment later, a kid with no shirt on saw that my jaw was clenching and put a blow pop in my mouth, hugged me annd walked away...
they made me realize the only thing that would truly ever make me happy... and maybe the calling to my entire existence. I learned that seeing someone happy, or at least feel better, from something that i've done would free me from my chains.
When i woke up the next evening... i hadn't felt the same mind numbing depression that i ALWAYS felt the next day... just really tired and a slightly nausous stomach.
The rave scene has become my opportunity to bring happiness to random people though a hug, a unintelligent conversation, a good pill, or just a blow pop. This is what candy means to me, and this has spilled over into the rest of my life. It's become such a part of me that I know i can never let it go.
Now today, the drug doesn't feel the way it used to, and i know it never will again. I still like it... but i guess you can only have so many life-altering experiences.
Pretty soon i plan on leaving this drug behind...because it has already done more than any doctor ever could. It has tought me that bringing others happiness makes my pain go away...and that everybody in this wrold needs something whether they admit it or not... my challenge is just to figure out what that is and try to get it for them. Everyone, not just ravers, needs to find their candy kid.
So PLEASE, we are in difficult times...our scene is crumbling aorund us. Please be smart... use your heads... remember what PLUR means.... and don't be afraid, or "too cool" to hug the person dancing next to you. Tell them that they are an incredible, worthy human being..they may have been told that they aren't their whole lives. Give out bracelets, they make people smile. Look around for anyone that seems like they're not having a good time, and try to brighten their night. Hug, don't shake hands when you meet people. It's ok to be upset at the end of the night... and it's ok for guys to kiss other guys on the cheek, and not seem "gay"
And ALWAYS bring plenty of candy, and give it to random people... you never know who's jaw may be clenching...
-----soulfly 5/10/00
------------------
"...or if you're just "Soulfly" people will think you missed the Groovenation train or somethin"--Rollergirl
*"Hey Train!!! K=Good!"*
**Kamel Red Light Krew**
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me is the days to come, that today affected!
"
