Cannabis is not toxic and has many health benefits. I enjoyed reading your post and I think you made a lot of great points, but I just wanted to point that out.
I know it's not carcinogenic and I know it's used therapeutically to treat certain conditions such as asthma and MS, but I doubt it's doing OP's lungs a favour if he's waking up to a spliff every day, especially if he mixes it with ciggys like I used to. Thanks for the comment too
I just read all that there and your spot on i was to fucked last night to read peoples comments last night. I've been used and abusd since i was a school and its still happing now, i can't approach people because i'm so self consuse of how people see me.I try to avoid people, yet i crave friends and a r/ship so much but i don't see any light at the end of tunnel. I hate my body, i hate the things iv done and the druggie waster who no-one would remeber if i died today.
It's kinda fucked up, those are the sort of things that run through my head a lot. I'm an introverted sort of person and I often have trouble expressing myself. I don't have a lot of close friends anymore, as I've noticed I tend to clamp up in group situations. Feels like I'm 10 seconds behind, I'll think of something to say but the subjects already changed and I'm like fuck it, don't wanna sound like a snail. Sometimes I wonder, if I got so depressed about my state of mind at the moment that I went and deliberately ODed, how many people would come to my funeral? Would many people even bother to write RIP on my Facebook?
I get over those moods. I used to get really blue about being that kind of person. Looking back, I think a lot of it stemmed from video games. I don't know if many people know about it, but apparently certain people can get hooked on playing video games. I think about it sometimes, like imagine if I ended up in rehab for it. Some guy stands up, is like "Hi, my name is Joseph, and I've been addicted to heroin for the last 5 years." I stand up, "Name's Jayden, I've been a game addict as long as I can remember." Blank stares all around. As a young bloke, when I went to other people's houses, I'd always put playing game consoles above socializing and speaking to others. I always preferred to play someone in Halo rather than kick a football or play sport with them. Looking back on it, I can kind of tell that my social skills haven't really developed as a result. I mean, I can talk to anyone over MSN or Facebook, but that's only because of multiplayer games where you type to communicate.
Well I'm rambling a bit now. Point is, you can't just hate yourself for being you. I regret a lot of the time I've wasted staring at a screen, but I'm trying to change it now. I work out a bit more now. It hasn't had much effect yet, but I'm tired of being me. Another massive problem I had was quitting things because they didn't work out well or were too hard at the start, or starting them up or quitting for the wrong reason, like if all my friends from school left. I'd rather be physically active now, like running a few laps of the school oval till my fucking legs hurt too much to run anymore. I did that last night because no-one called me and I didn't have any credit to call people up, and I needa make $100 bucks last at least 3 more weeks anyway. Oh god...
Piece of shit computer froze at this point, lucky I was on the ball and saved up to here :D Anyways, I honestly believe that if I can turn my life around, then you can. There's all the support and company you need on this forum, and there's been a lot of good suggestions here. In particular reformer's post about repairing severed ties with your family and friends. You might have reservations about posting your personal circumstances, I don't know, you haven't mentioned them yet. But I think that if they see you trying your best to turn your life around, and they're truly good people, then there's no reason they wouldn't be willing to speak to you again. If alcohol is a problem for you, and god knows it is for me (don't drink and Facebook, people), Allen Carr's Easy Way to Control Alcohol might be a bit of help. I heard a lot of positive feedback about it on the net, and since his Easy Way to Quit Smoking completely changed my outlook on cigarettes, I'm led to believe it helps a lot. Self help books are a life changer if you take on board what they say. But only IF you do. It's human nature to learn from your mistakes, but intelligence is learning from other people's mistakes. I hope this helped a bit and sounded a bit warmer than what I thought the last post sounded like, and I really wish you the best in fixing things up for yourself
PS: About the heroin... Stay away. Full stop. You don't need more problems piled on. Your economic situation will be in complete shambles if you tread down that track, not to mention most of your time and state of mind put towards using. I've thought about it as well, if only for a second. Drugs are the easy way out of a bad situation. A lot of them are not incredibly detrimental to your health or well-being if used in moderation but from what I've read on the subject heroin is not an easy thing to use in moderation. If you even consider buying some if you do end up finding a contact, look up stories of addiction, check some TDS threads on here and truly THINK about it, because trying heroin for the first time is the first step towards completely ruining your life if you have a problem with weed. Just thought I'd point that out.
