This year, i aint gonna be doin no christmas or thanksgivin noddin, since I got a lil baby boy chillin in the belly area right now and I dont even smoke cigs now. I stopped my occasional every couple months nod-fests once i knew i was prego. So it looks like i will just be lookin forward to the warm glow of methadone when its family time.
the thing is, i do love my fam. esp now that i AINT a feen, its alot better. I love my grandma and my aunt so much. and my other aunt and her husband, well, they are like aliens that aint a part of this family, i swear to god. so its them that would usually send me runnin for the bathroom for a shot.
I really, really aint lookin forward to seein her becuz EVERY TIME i see her, even at my fuckin baby shower, each time she says hi to me, she acts like she just found out i got cancer! Instead of bein all loving and happy, she gives me this horrible sad pitiful look like "Oh, im so terribly sorry" and acts really disappointed, like she can barely stand to hug me, like she is some kind of disspointed mother who is punishing me or somethin. (she aint got kids)
Its so hard dealin with that and bein the better person, becuz my whole life as a teenager she blatantly ignored and disowned me when she found out i did drugs and freaked the fuck out and told my mom "you aint my sister anymore" , etc. in the past few years she been makin a effort to be my aunt again (she my damn godmother, matter fact!) but she is very cold to me especially now that she learned i am pregnant.
I wish i could have a bundle to bring to grandmas house for a well earned christmas nod, shit, even last year i was clean for christmas cuz i had to see my po like 3 days later...But my responsibility is to my kid right now, so that will have to wait.
Every once in a rare while instead of taking my pills 6 in the morning and 3 before bed, i take em all at once and it give me a sliiight feeling of warmth. it aint a high, but i can feel it come on and say ahhh, methadone, and be slightly happier than i would be otherwise... so it looks like that will be my strategy to deal this family season.