Still waiting on MMT and it's fucking killing me.

[OxycoDrone]

Okay so it's been ~a month since I first applied for my MMT. Since then I've had several meetings with a case manager, 2 of 3 urine screens (One of which showed up clean, no idea how) and have one to go tomorrow. After that I have to wait at least another week for them to "present" my case to the District Health Board where they will decide if I qualify. There's no legitimate reason why I'd be denied, everyone I've talked to at CADS (Community Alcohol and Drug Services) have said I'll be fine but I just have this horrible feeling that something will go wrong. It always seems to. After that I'll be put on a waiting list for MMT, which could mean I'll get it 2 weeks after that or 6 months. If it's going to be more than 6-8 weeks then they put you on the "interim" program where you get a maximum of 40mg a day, but if it's shorter than that you just have to wait it out.

I'm aware that my situation isn't a bad as some people, but fuck me, the waiting and not knowing and the chore that is trying to score every day is just making me so very tired. I'm so very sick of it all. I've been an addict since I was 18, my entire adult life, and knowing that it's hopefully all going to be fixed in a matter of weeks is almost worse than just being a regular addict. It all seems like such a waste of time, scoring every day, being sick every fucking morning, the awful feeling when I know I can't score on any given day, fuck it, I'm just so over it.

MMT works quite differently in my country compared to the states -- Methadone is free, once you're on the program, whereas suboxone/buprenorphine is prohibitively expensive even with a prescription as our government doesn't subsidise it like methadone.

Sorry for whining, today is just really driving me nuts. My usual connect won't help me cos he's in a bad mood (he does this all the fucking time and it's so annoying) and the only other person I know is an hour away and I have no idea if he's even home or has anything, but I'm about to walk there anyway because I keep fiending and fiending until I've exhausted every single possibility. Is anyone else having a bad day? I sure am. Used my last oxy yesterday at 6am so I'm very very sick and it sucks as it's my girlfriend's only day off today -- and also if I can't score today then I'm fucked for my urine screen tomorrow since nothing will show up again and I'll have to wait god knows how long to redo my 3 tests (2 need to come back positive in order to qualify... Gets on my nerves. Look at my fucking tracks, do they look fake? I'll shoot in front of them if they want, FUCK.)

Okay, I'm done. Thanks TDS -- I don't have many people to complain to, and I feel my partner has heard enough from me today.

 

[deadmau]

I feel for you. For 3 years I worked to buy pills to get high at work. I would use in the morning, score after work and tell myself "I will save these so I'm not sick in the morning" but you probably know how that turned out. I hated waking up sick every morning where moving or even shaving and washing become the worst sounding ideas, I went into work looking fuckin crazy sometimes.

I'm on day 13 now, I used suboxone and tapered to 1mg and am expecting to jump ship by Friday. Suboxone does work wonders but it is insanely expensive. I had to wait 3 weeks to get it and it felt like time crawled. Just the thought of having to manipulate people, sell at a markup,and drive around town for another 3 weeks drove me depressed. I really hope it's sooner then later for you.

Now that I'm so far down the road I noticed I have a lot more free time and that is pain in itself. Literally everything I do reminds me of opiates. Xbox, certain streets, tv shows, even my job (I had to quit) were awful triggers for me.

I would not wish this on my worst enemy. Good luck OP, stay strong, your not alone.

 

[OxycoDrone]

Thanks mate, always a little cathartic to hear about other people woes, especially when you can relate to every word.

Yeah triggers are awful.. I've just moved house in anticipation for MMT so that I don't have so many triggers but yeah I feel you -- for me it's songs, certain people and I know exactly what you mean about streets. I live in quite a small city so I'm always thinking "oh i used to come this way to score" and shit. Haha I liked the "I'll save these for the morning" story, as that's me nearly every day. I can't even sleep when I know I still have some -- it drives me mad. So then I think "Oh, I'll take them and just stay up" but then I feel so nice and relaxed that I end up sleeping anyway then wake up and my first thought is "You're a fucking idiot."

I probably would wish it on a few people, mostly those that think addicts need to "harden up" -- a common sentiment where I live.