It's been almost 7 months since I have written on my blog. I'm still stuck meaning I'm still abusing my gabapentin. I wonder if I'm by definition abusing my ambien too. I use it for what it's prescribed for but I double my dose. So instead of 10 mg I take 20 mg. I've been able to skip it occassionally because the gabapentin sometimes makes me sleepy enough to be able to sleep at night. I ask if I'm "abusing" my ambien because I get excited at night knowing I have that dose coming that will assure me I will sleep all night with ease. It provides me with relief that's psychological. It scares me to think that I'll be awake all night left to overthink with my mind racing. Feeling the overwhelming guilt all night feeling anxiety all night. So the ambien I use for sleep but I also use it as relief from anxiety and from my thoughts and emotions.
My goals for 2016:
Get to a primary doctor to figure out why I don t feel good physically
Get back to my therapy. I still need it
Get off the ambien and find something else that will help me sleep
Find a job that will allow me to still be able to get my son to school
Start doing yoga again
Make my house a home
I also still feel stuck because I still have moments of anxiety of guilt. Moments were I'm reliving the past. They are getting to be less often though
I also feel as if I'm moving on and moving forward a bit. I'm starting to feel that it's ok for me to do that and for me to take care of myself. Although I'm still relying on the gabapentin and ambien to get me through. And occassionally a butalbital (fioricet)
I am looking forward to making these improvements in my life not only for me but for both of my boys.
I know it won't be easy but I know I can do it. I know I need to do it
My goals for 2016:
Get to a primary doctor to figure out why I don t feel good physically
Get back to my therapy. I still need it
Get off the ambien and find something else that will help me sleep
Find a job that will allow me to still be able to get my son to school
Start doing yoga again
Make my house a home
I also still feel stuck because I still have moments of anxiety of guilt. Moments were I'm reliving the past. They are getting to be less often though
I also feel as if I'm moving on and moving forward a bit. I'm starting to feel that it's ok for me to do that and for me to take care of myself. Although I'm still relying on the gabapentin and ambien to get me through. And occassionally a butalbital (fioricet)
I am looking forward to making these improvements in my life not only for me but for both of my boys.
I know it won't be easy but I know I can do it. I know I need to do it
