Stigma and Pregnancy (Coming Out About Opioid Use)

[Newbie011205]

Hi, I am new to bluelight but I came here looking to ask some questions. I want to hear from someone their experiences about getting sober. I am 28 years old. Currently I am addicted to Oxycodone. I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years and he knows about my history with drugs. But I quit last year, because he said he would leave. This past summer I started using again. I have been using behind his back since June. The worst part is he has no idea because I have been hiding really well. I just found out that I am pregnant, I am so scared and my addiction has only gotten worse over the last few months. I don't know what to do because now I have a baby to think about. I am living a double life, I go to school and I am a mom but I pop pills everyday. I am so scared, how can I get sober? I am so sad and I hate myself for doing this. I just want to get sober and stay sober. I need help, but I know if he finds out I have been lying again about drugs he will leave me. I love this man so much and I really wish I never decided to use again in the first place. I don't want to harm my baby, I want to know if it's possible to withdrawl and not lose the baby? Does anyone else live a double life full of secrets? I have no where to turn and I really need someone to just talk to and get some advice. What should I do?

 

[d3athadone]

Im 28 too! Every junkie lives a double life full of secrets. I'm not an expert but I think the only way to do this pregnant is on methadone or bupe. You cant be high one day sick the other while your pregnant. I don't even think you can withdrawl pregnant. Yo your boyfriend needs to get a grip and you need to tell him the truth! Regardless of the consequences. There is no way your going to hide this from him. It's just not happening. ANd if you some how magically manage to. It will probably end up really hurting your relationship anyway cuz huge secrets like this r not good! I'm trying to think if anyone ever told me stop using or else. I mean people could say that all day and it would have very little impact on if I actually use or not. Ime people wont leave your side if you show real effort. Getting on methadone seems like a good idea to me right abouts now. Also coming clean to him. Best of luck! Ill keep coming here to check how your doing! Keep us updated!

 

[Jabberwocky]

Do not take Suboxone while pregnant. Buprenorphine will be okay to use under a doctor's care, but the naloxone in Suboxone (Suboxone is buprenorphine and naloxone) is a teratogen (toxic to the fetus). Preparations used to treat addiction with pregnant women include Subutex. Methadone is traditionally used to treat addiction in those who are pregnant, and if properly monitored and taken is safe for the baby.

It will be difficult to get the help you need without your partner's support, however if they are antagonistic to your using methadone or buprenorphine and don't understand the significance and safety of ORT in treating addiction for those who are pregnant telling him will be difficult too.

I strongly suggest being strategic and first finding a methadone or buprenorphine provider (you can use SAMSHA's website if you live in the US). Schedule a consult with a local provider or two and tell them what is going on. Once you have talked to them, see what they think about how you can get your partner involved in your treatment. Perhaps bring him to an appointment you set up with the provider for that very purpose, to get him a little educated about what is going on. You can frame it as a neonatal appointment - because that is exactly what it is!

Please let us know what we can do to support you in this! Keep your head up Newbie011205, you'll get through this and welcome to BL

 

[KittyPaws]

That sounds so tough :/ I feel for you xx I can relate to the double life. you've been given some really good advice, it's really important you see a specialist in this area, and like the other guys have said here it could be really beneficial for your partner to be with you so he can understand the situation better. The past is the past, what matters now is how you move forward. And you will move forward. it will be okay​ xx

 

[RedLeader]

If the goal is to maximize the chances of your boyfriend staying with you, I'd write to him instead of confessing to his face. Send him an email, write him a letter, whatever, but do it in a way that appears serious and sincere. Let him read it and then make the next move (verses confessing to his face and risking an emotional escalation). I'd write something like "I know that I have been dishonest with you and I understand if you don't want anything to do with me, but I could really use your help with the detox I am planning." Don't beg him to stay, don't threaten things. Just be mature and pragmatic about it all.

It's normal to feel sad and to hate yourself when you've relapsed or when you have betrayed another person. But you are not a failure. You are a person who failed at one thing recently. And that's the extent of it. Failures are roadblocks on the way to success. If we didn't experience them, we wouldn't learn from them, we wouldn't learn how to recover from them, and we wouldn't learn how to help those around us who are also dealing with failures. Defining myself as a failure had me in my own prison for a very long time. But we all just need to take a step back and realize that life is hard and one common theme of all successful people out there is that they have all failed over and over and over, so much that they've learned to master the art of failing. Anyone who claims to have never failed or looks down on those who have made mistakes is not a person you want in you life. And yes, we do live in a very judgemental society that often does obsess over the failures of others, but this is because we also live in a society of miserable people. Tune it out, give it all the middle finger in your mind, rise above that nonsense and feel truly alive in all of your emotions - good or bad. Life is amazing and human emotions are precious. Don't let other people ruin your experience.

The double life thing is ridiculously stressful and will set you up to want to medicate that stress away, which ultimately will just reinforce the double life. I was stuck in that for many years, and I still get caught up in it now after being clean for a bit, as I'm very selective with what I reveal about myself and to whom. I would suggest surrounding yourself with people you can be honest with and avoid those who you know you'll have to lie to or manipulate. Try and find a doctor you trust to guide you through a detox while pregnant. And stick around this forum, as there are plenty of good people here to help you through this.

 

[spacejunk]

^ great post.
Don't be too hard on yourself - and please don't hate yourself for relapsing.
Relapse is, for a lot of people, part of the recovery process. It's practically expected, so give yourself a break.


This topic (a similar - but not identical scenario involving pregnancy and oxy addiction) came up in this thread the start of the year.

If you skim over and ignore the few rude posts, i think it is a really good read and a few people go through all of the potenntial solutions thoroughly.

Also - might i suggest we change the title of this thread so people know what you're asking advice about? You'll get more answers that way

Wishing you all the best and i really hope you take RedLeader's advice - i think writing a letter is a great idea, and that's something we could actually do our best to guide you with if you want help.

 

[Jabberwocky]

What do you think the new title should be?

 

[Thia]

Ps.
These are all great qns encouraging posts..
The double life is ridiculously difficult..

I'm curious what has happened recently and how your situation is turning out.. ? (Newbie).

 

[spacejunk]

What do you think the new title should be?

I dunno, i guess just something about opioid dependency and pregnancy.
It's a really important aspect of harm reduction to ensure that pregant women can get the best medical, social and psychological assistance possible, so i was just thinking that if the thread title reflected the question it might help get more helpful replies - do you agree?

 

[Jabberwocky]

Couldn't agree more!

Thee is soooooo much stigma when it comes to pregnant opioid users. There is a very, very real need for threads like these.

Much love and support to the OP and mother to be!

 

[VastEmpty]

^ as the wise and all knowing TPD says, much love and support. Talking about this will help others in the future with this issue, which is awesome.

Im sorry I don't have any words of wisdom for you. I don't know anything about pregnancy and opiates - other than it is not uncommon and you and your little one are going to get through it (if that's what you want).

- VE

 

[Jabberwocky]

I should start my own cult *cough* I mean religion

But let's try to keep to the topic. I'm not even sure I know how I feel about even joking around in this thread considering the significance of the subject matter.

 

[Moreaux]

Hey Newbie - welcome to Bluelight! I think you should be totally open with your doctor and come up with a game plan on how best to manage the condition during this time. Many women conceive during the thick of addiction and have healthy babies, and so many more doctors are now well versed with this situation that you should be able to work something out. I think methadone is the only management medication that is currently given in pregnancy, but that's something your doctor will talk to you about.

I do agree with above posters about letting your boyfriend about your lifestyle. One way or another, he will be finding out soon enough. A letter works - letter him know that you're ill - addiction is a symptom of a larger problem. Let him know you have hated keeping this aspect of your life secret - explain the reasons why, and detail how you are going to fix this (therapy, meetings, etc). Tell him you need his support and encouragement, and moving forward that you will be 100% transparent with your addiction, for better or for worse. Invite him to therapy with you, along with some meetings so he can be active and engaged in your recovery. Learn about the nature of addiction and help educate him so he understands that this is not a moral failing on your part.

He will be upset at first but he will eventually come around, especially if you don't breach his trust again. It will be difficult in the beginning - be patient with him. Try not to allow his comments etc to upset you, and remain calm whenever the subject of addiction comes up (but don't tolerate abuse) as he is hurt and needs time to come to terms with this.

Regarding your relapse - well the bright side is that at some point your were able to get sober to have a relapse - that's huge. Many people can't get to that point. Don't beat yourself up, it's part of recovery. Think about what happened around the time you relapsed and what event(s) ultimately initiated the relapse as that is what you need to work on. You know how to get sober, you just need to better recognize signs and signals within yourself to prevent it in the future.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

Go to the doctor and explain your situation. They will stabilize you on a medication so your fetus can be born alive. Stay strong, and explain your situation to your boyfriend. If he leaves you, that's his choice, try not to stress out too much over everything. Honesty is key here.

 

[Newbie011205]

Omg thank you all for your advice and support. So I talked to my boyfriend about everything that has happened and it was so much better than I thought. Yes he was extremely hurt and upset but he said that he loves me and wants us to make it better. Now all of you may not agree with abortion but in my personal situation and because of my addiction , he and I have decided not to follow through with the pregnancy at this time. I don't want to bring a baby into this world with all my madness. I already have two beautiful boys who really need their mom to get better. So I am going to a doctor and afterwards into treatment. It's going to be so hard! The hardest part though is done in my eyes, that was telling him the truth. My boyfriend has agreed to work with me if I go to treatment. I am so glad there are good people out there who care. Thank you a so much this has been the hardest decision I have ever had to make.

 

[Jabberwocky]

I think that was the wisest decision. I am proud of you Newbie! Very mature decision! Keep up the good work

 

[Moreaux]

I am so glad to hear that the discussion went well with your boyfriend, and I think you are making a very mature and heartfelt decision. I sincerely hope
You are proud of yourself for the way you have handled this situation as you have acted with grace and dignity and you have acted in the best interest of yourself and your family. I commend you! We are always here if you need to talk

 

[nuttynutskin]

Don't get an abortion, it's not worth it.

 

[Moreaux]

Don't get an abortion, it's not worth it.

I think that's a very personal decision and depends on the individual. Years ago my birth control failed and I got pregnant. I was a horrible alcoholic and was severely depressed with nasty anxiety. I had an abortion and to this day am very pleased with the decision. I do not have guilt as I was not suitable to be a parent and I would have been a horrible mother. It was not an easy decision but I think the outcome would have been far more devestating had I kept the child. Plus, the chances were very good that I would have passed on my mental health issues to the child and I would not wish those on anyone:/

I think the OP knows what she can and cannot handle, and right now she is working on sobriety, her relationship with her boyfriend, and being a better mother to her children. She has so much going on, and so much riding on her sobriety already that she is making a choice that will be the healthiest to her family and herself.

Im not trying to be argumentative, but I have seen so many women who decide to have one and then change their mind because of pressure from others and they end up miserable and even more disfunctional. The OP isn't making this choice on whim and is given it much consideration. I think we're should support her in this decision.

 

[Jabberwocky]

I think that's a very personal decision and depends on the individual. Years ago my birth control failed and I got pregnant. I was a horrible alcoholic and was severely depressed with nasty anxiety. I had an abortion and to this day am very pleased with the decision. I do not have guilt as I was not suitable to be a parent and I would have been a horrible mother. It was not an easy decision but I think the outcome would have been far more devestating had I kept the child. Plus, the chances were very good that I would have passed on my mental health issues to the child and I would not wish those on anyone:/

I think the OP knows what she can and cannot handle, and right now she is working on sobriety, her relationship with her boyfriend, and being a better mother to her children. She has so much going on, and so much riding on her sobriety already that she is making a choice that will be the healthiest to her family and herself.

Im not trying to be argumentative, but I have seen so many women who decide to have one and then change their mind because of pressure from others and they end up miserable and even more disfunctional. The OP isn't making this choice on whim and is given it much consideration. I think we're should support her in this decision.

Agreed, it should ultimately be left up to the person who is pregnanr whether she wishes to have that procedure done or not. If she feels that is in her best interests, then I believe we should support her as a community. This is a harm reduction community after all, not a fundamentalist Christian fellowship.