Step 1: Hitting Bottom: Despair & Isolation, Question 1 P1

crisis - a dramatic emotional or circumstantial upheaval in a person's life.
(source: dictionary.com [web version])


What crisis brought me to recovery?

This is going to be long but fortunately I have always kept a journal as well as posting my misery online. Below (in blue italics) is the trend that brought me to NA:

07-21-2008 19:42

Its gettin' bad

Fuck! I had a nice run of banging coke. My connect was cool with fronting massive ammounts ($50 and $100 at a time). I was able to keep it going for about 3 months, eventually owing about $10k. Dude knew me when i was succesful and had no idea i was flat broke. I talked the talk and it worked for a bit. Now he wants his loot (can't blame him) and I don't have it.

I kept on telling myself "it's cool, i can always sell this and that". Now i'm actually thinking of a second mortgage. More immediately, I plan on hitting the pawn shop just so i can give him something and, more importantly, see if i can use the cash to hopefully get something to jam in my arm (actually feet and legs).

I know the drill... if i get more, i'll just be in the same spot after its gone. What then? I only have so much of value to pawn off (i still haven't paid my bills either). What the fuck do i do?!?!!

The easy answer is just STOP. It isn't that easy. How do i get over the obsession of getting another hit. I fucked myself by enjoying the "neverending" high for so long. Its almost like having a credit card and just buying shit without care because the money isn't something you can grasp.

People who have kicked this shit, how did you gain the strength and motivation to stop? I have none. I'm fucking weak as shit when it comes to sticking coke in my veins. I fantasize about it, talk about it, and cruise the internet to read topics about it. How the fuck did you stop?

07-21-2008 20:46
Thanks for the input. I did was able to stay clean in the past through NA for 5 year spurts. My meeting attendance stopped and soon enough I was back using again. After 5 years i started feeling like a "normal" person and then... the shit hit the fan.

I know what needs to be done but i'm having a real hard time with it. its the damn obsession.

Dude won't do anything harsh concerning my debt, i helped him in the past with a free place to live for 8 months. The most i'll have to worry about is the factg that i lied to the dude and hear his complaining. He was good with it when i ran the tab but now he needs loot.

I tell myself i'll go to the gym, sleep all day, drink or anty number of things to distract myself from the shit but the fact that its so easy to get is making it tough.

I know i sound like a pussy and lots of people have been able to kick it no problem but fuck how do you get it out of your mind and how can i stop being such a pussy about it?

07-23-2008 02:58

Originally Posted by Dxmmonster
No man you dont sound like a pussy. Almost everyone here on this forum has had addiction problems. It's soo natrual to be afraid to face reality. No drugs means actually dealing with problems in life.

Fuckin sucks, I just suddenly realized the other day that I was fully addicted to tramadol and NEEDED it to live a normal life... the second I realized that, it scared the shit outta me even tho I was high at that time.

Sorry for all the negative vibes in my post, just hope you get through this shit.
Peace out

I didn't catch any negative vibes from your post. What i like about BL is you get honesty from folks who have nothing to gain and nothing to lose. We lie to ourselves so much that we need people to reign us in and say " your full of shit and you know it. This is what ya need to do"

I'm doing ok I suppose. I did an 8ball last night which (compared to $400/$500 a day) is an improvement. Today I did about a gram and a half, popped ativan and OTC nighttime sleep aids with vodka to knock me out.

I'm going to make a commitment to journal each day in the hopes that putting my feelings/need on paper will help.

I'm still a pussy though, I cried (the blubbering type of cry) today. Self pity and realization that I destroy or run away from good things has brought me to this point. I never craved a fucking hug before but I would have traded my car for the opportunity to hug/hold someone who understood while i just cried and absorbed some sort of human closeness

 

07-21-2008 19:42

Its gettin' bad

Fuck! I had a nice run of banging coke. My connect was cool with fronting massive ammounts ($50 and $100 at a time). I was able to keep it going for about 3 months, eventually owing about $10k. Dude knew me when i was succesful and had no idea i was flat broke. I talked the talk and it worked for a bit. Now he wants his loot (can't blame him) and I don't have it.

I kept on telling myself "it's cool, i can always sell this and that". Now i'm actually thinking of a second mortgage. More immediately, I plan on hitting the pawn shop just so i can give him something and, more importantly, see if i can use the cash to hopefully get something to jam in my arm (actually feet and legs).

I know the drill... if i get more, i'll just be in the same spot after its gone. What then? I only have so much of value to pawn off (i still haven't paid my bills either). What the fuck do i do?!?!!

The easy answer is just STOP. It isn't that easy. How do i get over the obsession of getting another hit. I fucked myself by enjoying the "neverending" high for so long. Its almost like having a credit card and just buying shit without care because the money isn't something you can grasp.

People who have kicked this shit, how did you gain the strength and motivation to stop? I have none. I'm fucking weak as shit when it comes to sticking coke in my veins. I fantasize about it, talk about it, and cruise the internet to read topics about it. How the fuck did you stop?

I know it's an old journal entry, but I suppose the craving never completely dies.

3 months? Wow! I'm curious how often you did it. The reason I ask is that I banged coke for several months (maybe 6, but I don't recall at the moment) as well. I did it every other weekend. I would get 1/4 oz or so on Friday evening after work. Then I would begin my session and finish it by dawn on Saturday morning. Then, I would be so exhausted from that intense cardio workout that I would be tired the next day. Then I would see the mess I'd made of my arms. I don't know if it's possible to do that every day for 3 months (even 1 month) and not die.... Just one night of it every 2 weeks on average quality cocaine is exhausting.

That, combined with feeling "burned out" was enough to keep me from getting more on Saturday. By Sunday, the craving was gone and would stay gone for 2 or 3 weeks. For whatever reason, the desire for another session was irresistable by then. Then I would do it all over again. Finally after 3 months of this, I wasn't enjoying the shots anymore so I stopped. That's how I quit. I did try one or 2 shots every year for a few years after that, but I was never able to enjoy it again, even thought the craving never completely died.

 

I was shooting every day all day. It was a unique situation where my connect moved in with me and didn't pay rent. I spent everything I had and also had a credit system (eventually owing him 10k by the time I rolled out of Colorado and back to Pennsylvania)

It was just too easy and too accessible. He sold an ounce or more a day but most of it went to me. He has since passed away.

It was a beautiful thing at first but, of course, quickly deteriorated and I am still recovering from that time period. Shit, I had tracks running up both sides of my legs from my feet to my inner thigh and my arms were tore the fuck up.

You are right though... sometimes I look back on those days with longing.

 

You must have had an insanely high tolerance - you must have been banging a gram at a time. I didn't know anybody could survive taknig that much, nearly 1 oz per day, every day for 3 months. Even if it was average quality, it's a lot. I'm glad you made it. Is that how your roommate died?

With the miniscule (relative to you) amount I was doing, the come-down the next day was horrible. I can only imagine how awful it was for you in comparison.

 

my tolerance was high but I never did gram shots. I would do shot after shot after shot, though and there were many times that I flopped on the floor.

I would write down $50 on a sheet we had and take a gram up to my room, bang it, and then go back down and write $100 on the sheet, take a 16th upstairs and continuously do this. In the beginning, he allowed me to weigh out my own bags and, of course, I abused that privilege.

It was a strange time period of not bathing, cleaning or doing much of anything but the coke.

Man, right now I'm just thinking of the 'fun part' of that time but in reality... it was a mess that has fucked me up. What's weird is that I am kind of grateful because if I hadn't gone through that, I wouldn't be at this place in where I am finally comfortable in my own skin.

I don't think it has to do with the amounts we do... the coke comedown is horrible, regardless. Even when i came back to Philly and was only able to do a half gram on some days... I would become suicidal because there was no more left to do.

I'm glad you don't play the game anymore either, socko... you're certainly strong for being able to stay away from it without outside help. I respect and admire that