beanpoophead
Bluelighter
what imprisons me, what in my life has taken away my freedom? have i sacrfified myself to be held in a prions of my own creation or did i become a captive, based on the beliefs of society and my own chocies. Made in canada, manufactored, made to die. was i born to be this person? formed in a prison, releasted nine months later, and brought into another prison. What will happen when i die? is it just another cell or will i feel the light of freedom in the eyes that God and the world have blinded.
and i wonder what keeps me capitive? is it just that i'm comfortable here? comfortable in a life where i am confused. in a life where im always waiting for the next best thing. and where do i get off thinking that i can be comfortable with waiting for that thing, not having any clue if the next best thing will be the next best thing or if it will even happen at all. its not like i can just stop and pretend to not wait. you can't just suddenly allow yourself to be uncomfortable, you can't quit being comfortable about being comfortable. ive let my freedom be consumed in a state of comfortableness.
the circle of life and escaping it has held me down for so long. birth, life, freedome, life, death, escape, and you always just end up dying again and again in the end. how do we escape? what can i do to break the bonds that hold me. i can remember all the times i've felt free. each time my eyes were closed and i felt this warmth. it wasn't really warmth in the sense of heat, it was just there - it made me not care. i felt like i was holding the world in my little girl hands. a few of these times my hands were raised in the air, tears flowed down, and i felt so whole. my innoccence poured out into the hands of God and his hand was on my back, not pushing me, but holding me. the other times were colder in a way, filled with impurity and what i would have called sin, back then. my mind was clouded with whatever, my body danced, but my mind - it was somewhere else, somewhere bigger. i was dancing for the freedom i had. then they both ended i left, chemicals came, i went away.
and what ive began to feel is numb. it has become my freeodm. religion gave me a feeling of freedom, a glimpse of what i could have been, but wasn't - won't - never will be. music, dance, chemicals gave me a pathway to freedom, but not a map to get there. so somehow i'm left, floating... between death and freedom. with a choice to choose, but to let go and give up - and still make it, is what makes life so perfect. if i can stay numb, i'll be forever bwtween freedom and captivaty. a prison can't hold me and freedom can't control me. Society won't own me, no pressure from above, and chemicals won't hurt.
so i'll just stay numb for awhile.
and i wonder what keeps me capitive? is it just that i'm comfortable here? comfortable in a life where i am confused. in a life where im always waiting for the next best thing. and where do i get off thinking that i can be comfortable with waiting for that thing, not having any clue if the next best thing will be the next best thing or if it will even happen at all. its not like i can just stop and pretend to not wait. you can't just suddenly allow yourself to be uncomfortable, you can't quit being comfortable about being comfortable. ive let my freedom be consumed in a state of comfortableness.
the circle of life and escaping it has held me down for so long. birth, life, freedome, life, death, escape, and you always just end up dying again and again in the end. how do we escape? what can i do to break the bonds that hold me. i can remember all the times i've felt free. each time my eyes were closed and i felt this warmth. it wasn't really warmth in the sense of heat, it was just there - it made me not care. i felt like i was holding the world in my little girl hands. a few of these times my hands were raised in the air, tears flowed down, and i felt so whole. my innoccence poured out into the hands of God and his hand was on my back, not pushing me, but holding me. the other times were colder in a way, filled with impurity and what i would have called sin, back then. my mind was clouded with whatever, my body danced, but my mind - it was somewhere else, somewhere bigger. i was dancing for the freedom i had. then they both ended i left, chemicals came, i went away.
and what ive began to feel is numb. it has become my freeodm. religion gave me a feeling of freedom, a glimpse of what i could have been, but wasn't - won't - never will be. music, dance, chemicals gave me a pathway to freedom, but not a map to get there. so somehow i'm left, floating... between death and freedom. with a choice to choose, but to let go and give up - and still make it, is what makes life so perfect. if i can stay numb, i'll be forever bwtween freedom and captivaty. a prison can't hold me and freedom can't control me. Society won't own me, no pressure from above, and chemicals won't hurt.
so i'll just stay numb for awhile.
