and I dont mean like the occasional "come on stupid" I mean like full on conversations with myself.
im fucked up man.
like, in the head. not physically. Im just a bum really in that regard
no motivation to do anything.
go to work. get high. talk to myself. watch tv. rinse. lather. repeat
a vicious cycle Ive gotten myself into, yet so welcoming at the same time
so enjoyable. so peaceful
me and heroin. just hangin out
at the root of it im just selfish really. I honestly enjoy being alone because I truly enjoy listening to myself talk. somewhat narcisisstic (no spell check on mobile, my weakness is revealed), somewhat delusional, but completely problematic for my mental health.
I used to do drugs because I was bored, now Im bored if im not doing drugs. I never wanted to hang out. I dont want to come to your birthday party.
and I dont know why.
Im an agreeable guy. I get along with people. shit, people LIKE me.
but I am poison
its just never really been a desire of mine. to form connections that is
reach out to someone. give myself to others.
Id rather just isolate myself in my own comfort zone and watch the world around me burn, satisfied in the fact that I wasnt the one who sparked the blaze.
I dont hurt nobody. I dont help nobody. Is that a good trade off?
I dont know, and this uncertainty leads to repetitive behavior.
im a creature of habit, and I have a few of them. Some good. some bad
all changeable. but I resist that path because deep down Im afraid to go out of my comfort zone. put my neck out where its out of my control. leave my fate to someone else.
you cant make people want you to be a part of their lives. just like you cant make people NOT want you to be a part of their lives.
but I am stubborn in my ways, and my ways are sort of... well downright illegal to be honest.
and since I dont change, if your involved in my life, you join this illegality.
some willingly. some hesitantly. some refuse. some dont get a chance to do any of those.
and at the end of the day, I dont really care. but I care about the fact that I dont care.
I want to change, but I dont want to be someone Im not. I cant live in a fake existence.
Time will tell, but for right now, I like to get high.
I am poison, and im still searching for the antidote
im fucked up man.
like, in the head. not physically. Im just a bum really in that regard
no motivation to do anything.
go to work. get high. talk to myself. watch tv. rinse. lather. repeat
a vicious cycle Ive gotten myself into, yet so welcoming at the same time
so enjoyable. so peaceful
me and heroin. just hangin out
at the root of it im just selfish really. I honestly enjoy being alone because I truly enjoy listening to myself talk. somewhat narcisisstic (no spell check on mobile, my weakness is revealed), somewhat delusional, but completely problematic for my mental health.
I used to do drugs because I was bored, now Im bored if im not doing drugs. I never wanted to hang out. I dont want to come to your birthday party.
and I dont know why.
Im an agreeable guy. I get along with people. shit, people LIKE me.
but I am poison
its just never really been a desire of mine. to form connections that is
reach out to someone. give myself to others.
Id rather just isolate myself in my own comfort zone and watch the world around me burn, satisfied in the fact that I wasnt the one who sparked the blaze.
I dont hurt nobody. I dont help nobody. Is that a good trade off?
I dont know, and this uncertainty leads to repetitive behavior.
im a creature of habit, and I have a few of them. Some good. some bad
all changeable. but I resist that path because deep down Im afraid to go out of my comfort zone. put my neck out where its out of my control. leave my fate to someone else.
you cant make people want you to be a part of their lives. just like you cant make people NOT want you to be a part of their lives.
but I am stubborn in my ways, and my ways are sort of... well downright illegal to be honest.
and since I dont change, if your involved in my life, you join this illegality.
some willingly. some hesitantly. some refuse. some dont get a chance to do any of those.
and at the end of the day, I dont really care. but I care about the fact that I dont care.
I want to change, but I dont want to be someone Im not. I cant live in a fake existence.
Time will tell, but for right now, I like to get high.
I am poison, and im still searching for the antidote
