Radtastastic
Greenlighter
- Joined
- Aug 11, 2017
- Messages
- 31
I posted before my medical struggle.
I need to post where I am now.
I returned from a trip with my child. For sake of anonymity shes young. Its a magical place which I saved up for.
Knowledge, education and clean time failed to save my recovery. I spent 4 days glued to toilet seat trying to get balloons I swallowed out.
Rock bottom can vary. Theres no "high" and "low" just when we have had enough. The tragedy is weeping in "the happiest place on earth" unable to care for my child in a WHEELCHAIR may not be it. Going through my own feces, praying I passed balloons may not be enough.
For my sobriety peeps my head is lying and I can't stop. I feel self righteous, justified because I went to behavior based upon a faulty medical system.
Heres my truth- I am drowning and terrified. Hiding behind degrees. Chronic illness. Grief. Fear.
My child's gone for a week now (unexpected). I have proven, again my addiction may have had seven years respite but I picked back up like I never stopped. Overnight my addiction was worse than ever before. Different substances- same disease.
My fellow big ego low self esteem ones, I need you. I won't go to a meeting or treatment knowing I have all to lose (please don't ask about this part).
I need to know the safest support groups. I need to hear others stories about knowing it should be bottom but wasn't. Getting back up after years clean. Again.
Dealing with untreated chronic illness. I know we aren't supposed to get clean for others but I always did and eventually I cared about ME.
I have ultimately given up on me. I am not posting anonymous because I need you. Thanks for showing up another day and reading this.
*not looking for pitty or tough love. Truth.
I need to post where I am now.
I returned from a trip with my child. For sake of anonymity shes young. Its a magical place which I saved up for.
Knowledge, education and clean time failed to save my recovery. I spent 4 days glued to toilet seat trying to get balloons I swallowed out.
Rock bottom can vary. Theres no "high" and "low" just when we have had enough. The tragedy is weeping in "the happiest place on earth" unable to care for my child in a WHEELCHAIR may not be it. Going through my own feces, praying I passed balloons may not be enough.
For my sobriety peeps my head is lying and I can't stop. I feel self righteous, justified because I went to behavior based upon a faulty medical system.
Heres my truth- I am drowning and terrified. Hiding behind degrees. Chronic illness. Grief. Fear.
My child's gone for a week now (unexpected). I have proven, again my addiction may have had seven years respite but I picked back up like I never stopped. Overnight my addiction was worse than ever before. Different substances- same disease.
My fellow big ego low self esteem ones, I need you. I won't go to a meeting or treatment knowing I have all to lose (please don't ask about this part).
I need to know the safest support groups. I need to hear others stories about knowing it should be bottom but wasn't. Getting back up after years clean. Again.
Dealing with untreated chronic illness. I know we aren't supposed to get clean for others but I always did and eventually I cared about ME.
I have ultimately given up on me. I am not posting anonymous because I need you. Thanks for showing up another day and reading this.
*not looking for pitty or tough love. Truth.