Starting my 4th week sober, scared for no plans tomorrow

[idonteven]

I have tomorrow off from work, it's raining, I've signed up for all my classes, taken care of all my obligations. Cleaned the entire house, basically keeping my mind busy.

I decided to get clean after this girl told me she loved me. Nobody has ever known me, my drug abuse issues, and past and then said they still loved me. But she was the reason I wanted to get clean, so I could be a role model for her to get clean.

Now she's a drug user herself and disappears for 2 weeks at a time, and then we'll spend 3 days together and she's off again.

I haven't seen her in 2 weeks and last time we talked it just ended her sending me text messages saying "fuck you"

I've been going to the gym again, but I look at pictures of myself from just last year (totally ripped, buff guy) now I'm small again, and it makes me cringe. Last time I wanted to get high I went out and bought a bicycle and rode around.

I can't hang out with women because I'll just end up having sex with them in a meaningless relationship, and that will make me want to use even more.

I figured out what triggers me not wanting to use, and that's the fulfillment of love from someone who really knows me.

My therapist is getting really annoyed with me and doesn't want to help me any more because he feels I'm using my new found knowledge to manipulate people which I am, but I can't help it!

I have a routine to go to bed early every night, wake up early, eat breakfast, go to the gym, read the paper, shower, eat, take care of school stuff go to work, eat come home from work, watch the news and go to bed.

But tomorrow I'm scared, I don't have any obligations, and tomorrow is my off day from the gym. I want to get high more than anything, other than see my girl, but she doesn't answer when I call.

 

[theartofwar]

Bro I compete for bodybuilding and i cage fight - let me tell you those days off are fucking AGONY for me , although I do 3 sessions 5 days a week , 2x cardio am/pm and lift in the early afternoon. Days off 2x sessions cardio. I STILL cannot handle it when I cannot lift man.

Those days off are as crucial to growth as actually lifting. Have you prepared your meals for the week ? If not their is about 3-4 hours of work. I precook most my meals. Last week's bill was 312$ , haha , you gotta do it though right ? I would consider saying going out for a hike , but I do not know where you live - however a long drive and a good hike can take an entire day - just make sure you realize your body will be in a catabolic state - so make sure you bring those meals !!! Nature / endorphins - you will not be thinking about getting high brother.

 

[TheMagikProfessor]

Fear is an instinct, Courage a choice.

You are a Man; don't get high.

 

[jksr1]

Dont let this time clean slip thought your fingers tomorow, one day at a time my friend good luck.

 

[godlovesugly]

wow 4 weeks is a long time! sounds like you are making the right choices and really trying hard for your sobriety. they say at meetings "just keep doing the next right thing..." okay its really cheesy and whatever. but its so true i have learned. you are doing so good. tomorrow, do something you enjoy [ok, other than getting high] and just have "you" time. have fun, be with friends, whatever it is in life that truly makes you happy, do it. read, write, movies, nature, music, etc...youre gonna have alot of days like tomorrow, where you have no obligations, nothing going on, nothing planned to do, but its time to start living life sober. one day at a time. its more like one second at a time for me.

 

[idonteven]

ughhh, so i made plans last night with this girl who i know will take any bullshit I throw at her. I can have sex with her, and kick her out, and she'll come back the next time I call. So she's coming over in like an hour and I really think it would be fun to get high before she comes over, have sex with her and spend the evening with her.

Spending the evening with her only seems plausible if I'm high though. She doesn't drink or do any drugs.

I have no idea where these feelings are coming from!

 

[idonteven]

arggg im feeling anxious I called up my dealer. He said he'd be home soon and he was going to call me when he got home. It's been an hour and he hasn't called me back. So I called him and his phone is off!!!

I'm rationalizing this because my friends wanted to go out and drink last night, and alcohol is the most physically damaging substance, I had no desire to go out. Today I tell myself I can use for just today

 

[theartofwar]

I hope you held strong bro , but if you slipped , remember 4 weeks is a battle , life is a war.

stay up my friend.

 

[junglejuice]

Congrats on 4 weeks!

Make some plans! You could go to the gym and just do some card, or consider hitting an AA meeting. Your day doesn't have to be empty, just find some meaningful or even pointless, but sober activities.

:D

 

[phactor]

Congrats on the 4 weeks. Have you thought about going to a meeting or maybe volunteering at a soup kitchen or working with neglected kids or something? I have to keep myself busy. I have been laying around for the past few days and then my mind starts reeling.

I have it pretty well set in my head that I cannot use or drink, but that doesn't stop me from thinking about how it would be nice to be able too. Thats no fun.

 

[idonteven]

i don't know how stupid this is going to sound, i was feeling great today, hope in my step, but figured I'd get some anyways.

I think that whole occasional use thing is possible. it's like taking a $20 vacation every 3 weeks. And then when I stop the next day I go into hypomania and become even more productive.

It gives my body a day to rest I feel like, and really clear my head. The next day I feel like wow now I can buckle down and get my work done. If I use for more than 2 days in a row trouble starts.

also I like living the 2 lives things, it gives life a little excitement. I tried to bring my 2 lives together, and chaos struck.

I have my ho's for my drug time, and going on vacation

I have my civilian girls to do civilian things with.

I tried to bring my ho's (yes real hookers, whom I'm just friends with, well they think I'm their man) around doing civie things and they couldn't handle it, and the people in my civie life were taken by surprise.

Living 2 lives is the life I like